An imbalance in the “mental” aspect of parenting is where I see the most discrepancy – and sometimes it’s what lies underneath a couple’s presenting issue when they first start working with me. Because even if both parents share equally in the execution of the tasks – or if they have the funds to outsource the cleaning, cooking, carpooling and childcare– one partner still does much of the heavy lifting that remains.
The idea of taking a “gap year” – born of the independence of the post-war 60s generation that challenged themselves to create a life different from their parents – has come a long way in 70 years. Since the new millennia, it’s been taken up by parents and young people alike who have lived through the accelerating pace of the new world order – and see little chance for such an extended pause once they start college and forge fledgling careers.
The text arrives, our blood pressure elevates, our tweens and teens want an immediate response, and all of a sudden we are down the rabbit hole. There is a better way. This three step response ensures our kids feel heard, but creates space for thoughtful engagement at the appropriate time.
The official commemoration of Grandparent’s Day is the Sunday after Labor Day, but most grandparents will tell you that every day is grandparent’s day if you’re lucky enough to be one!
I suspect you’ve heard (or said!) some variant of this: “I know I’m biased, but my granddaughter / grandson is one of the smartest / most creative / most coordinated / most [you-name-it!] child I have ever known.”
It’s a great job if and when you get it – and everyone benefits from intergenerational relationships. Let me enumerate the benefits first…and then I’ll share a few tips for hanging on to this plum assignment!
Values of GrandParenting
The Job Description Can’t Be Beat.
Hands down, the #1 reason grandparenting is so great is that you get all the fun of being a parent without any of the responsibilities! Revel in your special role as cheerleaders, spoilers, supporters and bestowers of unconditional love.
You Get to Share Your History and Passions
Grandchildren, particularly as they grow up, look to grandparents for their perspectives and advice. So share your values, your family history and what life was like for you at their age.
Share your passions, too. My parents are great art lovers and collectors, and they’ve shared this with my kids both in terms of cultural outings and gifts of art. Of course my kids appreciate the inherent value of the works, but they truly treasure being a part of their grandparents’ legacy.
Even so, it’s not the “stuff” grandparents give; it’s the connection. My mom always sent my kids little things to let them know she was thinking of them. Pinecones she collected on a walk…a random purchase on the street…a funny postcard. My kids loved receiving it all.
The Gifts (of Health) Keep On Giving
Being a grandparent can help older adults stay active, which often translates to better health. There are mental health benefits as well.
One study demonstrates that women who spent one day a week caring for young grandchildren may have a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disorders. Another studied examined the link between quality grand-parenting relationships and depression and found that if the relationship is a high-quality one and support is mutual, both grandparents and grandchildren experience reduced incidence of depression.
You Can Help Out When / If You Want
Many grandparents have the economic freedom to defray education or medical costs for their grandchildren. If you have the means and want to help, it’s a great feeling. And typically there aren’t any negative tax consequences. My children and I are grateful for the college tuition assistance and also recognize my Dad’s commitment to their education.
When it comes to your time, it’s up to you to set limits based on your energy and availability.
How to Keep the Gig!
Let Parents Rule.
Parents have a major role to play in the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren in that they set the rules and determine the consequences for the moral and ethical education of their kids.
One grandmother I know has the right approach. She says she always lets her daughter and son-in-law make the parenting rules – and she never shares her opinion on anything except to admire it. “I might not always agree with them, but my opinions are not on the table. The kids are their responsibilities to raise and our responsibility to love.”
Adopt the Right Tone.
Don’t be judgmental. Your grandkids will experiment with tons of things that may be foreign to you. Unless your grandkids are into something dangerous, keep your opinions to yourself. Respect and honor their choices about food, hairstyles, clothing, etc. Unsolicited advice or commentary is often heard as criticism and may be alienating.
p.s. Don’t be hurt by the occasional sassy comment. Kids can be insensitive, but it’s often age-appropriate and not intended to be rude or disrespectful.
Learn to Use Technology.
If grandparents want to have full access to their grandkids, they have to get proficient with the technology their grandchildren are using. My kids never listen to voicemails, so my Mom knows that if she wants to get in touch, she needs to text them. And while Facebook may be the preferred social media for baby boomers, their teen and tween grandkids are much more apt to use Instagram or Snapchat.
Stay Involved.
Don’t always wait for an invite. Offer to help by taking the kids out for an afternoon if you’re local or for a visit if you’re long-distance. Other ways to stay involved is to gift parents with a cleaning service or a spa afternoon. Remember how overwhelming it was for you as new parents and do something you might have appreciated.
But don’t keep score on who is contacting whom. If you want to stay engaged with your grandchildren, reach out to them.
Make Your Home Welcoming
A kid-friendly home makes visiting much less stressful for everyone. Make a quick sweep around the house to remove breakables and irreplaceables. If possible, borrow, rent or buy things like strollers, pack-n-plays, high chairs and even bikes so your kids don’t have to schlep them. And stock some fun toys and children’s books.
What if there aren’t any grandparents in the picture, either by death or lack of interest?
Building a tribe is always the best solution – even when grandparents are in the picture. One friend of mine, who regularly volunteered at a senior center, unofficially 'adopted' grandparents for her kids.
If you’re the type that would like a more detailed primer on how to be the perfect grandmother or grandfather, check out the American Grandparents Association for resources, tips and other perks.
Either way, enjoy the best job in the world!
Sweaty palms and jangled nerves.
Anxiety about navigating a new world.
Intense desires to fit in.
Frenzied fears they won’t.
That’s the emotional terrain most teens traverse as they make their way across the wide expanse from elementary to high school.
It’s a sizable transition by all accounts – social, psychological, academic and physical. The rub is that the transition needs to be experienced… your teen can’t really prepare for it. But as parents, you can help along the way.
That’s why this posts offers guidance on the 5 most relevant and fraught topics your freshman (or freshwoman) will continually face as he or she evolves from an incoming 9th grader to bona fide high schooler. They are, in no particular order:
2. Making friends
3. Academic expectations
4. Romantic relationships
5. The digital domain
One caveat: There are no magic solutions or established protocols that will work for every teen in every family. What’s essential is that as parents, you understand your own feelings about these high-stakes high school hurdles. That enables you to make intentional decisions based on your values – and the outcome you want for your child. Then you articulate them again… and again.
Let’s talk teens.
1. Drinking and drugs.
Personally, my values are that teenagers should not drink or take drugs. My (now grown) kids knew this because I told them – early and often. And the more they heard me say it, the more it was in their head when they were faced with that choice.
Unlike my teenagers, I had the parental gift of perspective and insight, so I shared my knowledge about drugs and alcohol with them, especially regarding the:
· Difference of the alcohol levels in beer vs. spirits
· Implications of mixing uppers (like red bull) with downers (alcohol)
· Difference of the effects of drinking on a 200-pound boy vs. a 100-pound girl
· Legal consequences of drinking or taking drugs on school property
· Legal consequences of driving while under the influence
· Legal implications for me if minors drank in my home
Granted, my telling them all these things didn’t prohibit my children from making their own choices (good and bad), but they absolutely knew what the pitfalls and consequences could be.
Most important, we always had a plan in the event their decisions turned out badly. My kids knew they could call me at any time if they needed a ride. And if they texted me the phrase “911,” that was code for me to rescue them while they could still save face with their friends.
2. Making friends.
The headline? Play dates are over.
In elementary school you had some say – or at least sway – over your kids’ friends. But in high school, who your teen befriends is no longer up to you.
Big changes are afoot socially. Eighth-graders who were on top of the food chain just 12 weeks prior now find themselves at the bottom. Fueled by a desire to fit in and be accepted, most teens find themselves in wholly new territory.
High school is a great time to explore new friendships. It’s a time to try on different personalities, and maybe even re-invent oneself entirely. While I can relate to the desire for your special frosh to meet and hang out with other “good” kids, their reinvention might just look cockeyed from your point of view. My advice? Let them be.
It’s actually okay to be a little permissive if your teen explores in arenas that aren’t mortally threatening (Goth dress or unconventional hair color, for example). If their choices are discordant with your family’s values, then of course it’s time to step in and make your values known – again. Outside of that, try not to be authoritative in this arena.
The bottom line? Kids need to work out their friendship and relationship issues on their own unless you’re specifically asked. Then you may share these five ideas with your frosh. Otherwise, provide support, empathy and insight, but don’t interfere.
3. Academic expectations
The academic divide between grade school and high school can be daunting. More is expected of high school students. And there is less hand-holding by teachers (and there should be less hand-holding by parents!)
It is difficult to stay out of the way and not help or rescue your child as they struggle with this transition. Do your best to let your son or daughter navigate the new academic demands and manage relationships with their teachers. Be empathic to their struggles, while you help them advocate for themselves.
I appreciate the difficulty of watching a child struggle and resisting the urge to fix the problem. By all means, listen to their concerns and help them uncover ways to approach the problem. And provide a reality check for an anxious teen who can’t fathom recovering from a poor grade.
But when we get overly engaged, it disempowers our children and sends the message that we don’t think they can handle the challenges they face. If we want to build resilient, confident kids, we have to let them deal with these situations, and learn that they can, indeed, figure out their academic problems and do well. Here are some tips worth passing on:
· Encourage them to build relationships with their teachers and regularly check in with them on their progress
· Take advantage of in-school resources like writing labs, National Honor Society tutoring, and mentorship opportunities
· Identify a go-to person in each class (may not always be a friend) that can be relied upon to provide notes or a heads-up about missed assignment after an absence
In a very real sense, your teen’s mastery of the challenges of high school academics are the 21st century skills they’ll need for post-graduation work and their college career.
4. Romantic relationships
Just like with drinking and drugs, I didn’t tell my kids how I felt about teens and sex in one big talk prior to high school. I shared my values with them over and over again. And I assure you, they weren’t always receptive to these conversations.
If you’re not comfortable talking about sex with your kids, get help getting there. Your kids need to know your values about love and sex. Not telling them is a missed opportunity to spark a dialogue. It may not happen in the moment, but if your teens hear you speak naturally and often about typically taboo or uncomfortable topics, it’s more likely they’ll see you as someone with whom they can discuss these issues.
If your kid is the one who is uncomfortable having that conversation with you, give them a great sex-ed book or two. Do not let them construct the narrative about healthy sexuality exclusively from the Internet and their friends.
Just like with alcohol and drugs, as parents we ought to share essential info with our teens:
· The efficacy of various birth control methods – and access to them if you’re comfortable with that
· Dangers of sexually transmitted disease
· Importance of consent and being a respectful partner
· Issues around sexual orientation and acceptance
· Emotional attachment as a consequences of sex
· Impact of drugs/alcohol on decision-making and sex
And with young women 16 to 24 experiencing the highest rates of rape, sexual assault and stalking, teens need to know how to take action if any of these occur.
Sharing my values about sex may not have always led to the outcomes I personally wanted for my kids, but it did lead to learning opportunities for them, as well as conversations by which they could begin to establish their personal values about sex and relationships. I call that a win.
5. The digital domain
When even the youngest of the current crop of parents were in high school, tweeting, sexting, texting and social media were unimaginable. Today, it’s the world in which we live… and around which your teens’ lives will forever revolve.
Talk with your teens about what is appropriate to view online and what is appropriate to share online. They do not know this innately, and therefore are more vulnerable to predators and other severe consequences.
It’s especially important that teens understands several things about their digital footprints:
· The acronym “www” stands for worldwide web, which is exactly how far their posts travel
· There is no privacy on the web; everything posted is officially on the record –potentially for all time
· Unflattering digital exposure can be easily viewed by college admissions officers and future employers who aren’t above relinquishing offers based on what they see online
While the idea may be a tough sell to a 14-year-old, talk regularly about how you practice social media professionalism and point out examples of social media gone wrong whenever you see it.
Well, there you have my 5 pieces of advice for parents of high school freshman.
Here’s a bonus piece of Intel: If you do not want to be one of those parents freaking out because your incoming college freshman isn’t ready for university life, begin their preparation today.
Do not handicap your high school freshman by protecting them from failing. Do not handicap them by interfering with every decision they make. Let them stumble… or even fail.
As educational reformer John Dewey insisted, failure could be as essential to learning as succeeding. Your job is to give your teen every opportunity there is to practice self-reliance and problem solving in high school. The best you have to offer is your support, validation and empathy as they do the hard work of growing up.
One final note: While I consider myself a parenting expert, it’s been more than a few years since I crossed the threshold into high school for the first time. So if your kids seriously tune you out – or if you sense they’ll be more responsive to hearing about high school from someone born in the 21st century – here’s some advice from the pros – high school sophomores! Their recommendations aren’t half-bad.
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