8 Steps for Teaching Resilience

Think back through the past week and call to mind all the setbacks, curveballs and challenges you had to navigate. (Pause).

I’ll bet you fashioned quite a list. Chances are, you found (or are working on) a workaround for each one. That’s resilience. It’s a learned skill parents need to teach kids…a lesson best taught (and practiced) early and often.

As much as we may want to shield our children from life’s disappointments, they will face inevitable setbacks at every stage of development:

·      A toddler playmate breaks a favorite toy

·      Mommies and daddies go off to work leaving little ones in the care of relatives or babysitters

·      The long-anticipated first day of school disappoints

·      A treasured family pet dies

·      A ‘tween bestie suddenly prefers other friends

·      The starting position on the baseball team goes to a classmate

·      A teen is bullied online

·      A high school senior receives rejection letters from every one of her top choices

·      New college grads have trouble find a job that fits

No matter what form the problem takes, children often look to parents to make the problem and its pain go away. As they should. Yet as every parent knows, we too feel the pain of our child’s rejection, hurt feelings, grief or loss of hope. So how do we help our children manage setbacks and effectively manage change – and deal with our feelings as well?

It begins with recognizing that while we may have suffered a narcissistic injury that we’ll need to address, our first responsibility is to attend to the needs of our kids.

Here’s an example. Let’s say your uber-talented son didn’t make the cut at the performing arts high school that’s part of an established pipeline to his top-choice prestigious music school, while a less capable (in your mind) student was accepted. Your teen, who has long labored evenings and weekends practicing his horn and composing new music, is understandably devastated that his hoped-for academic path is now off-course. There’s a decent chance he’s pissed off, too.      

Were you to magnify his ire by railing against the injustice and trashing the admissions office, it may feel as if you’re being empathic because you’re reflecting your kid’s feelings. Think again. Rather than helping your son manage the situation, you’re actually escalating it. While he may feel momentarily justified and “supported” by you, relief of this sort is extremely short-lived. Worse, he won’t have learned one positive thing about how to successfully manage his feelings or chart a new path forward.

Teaching children resilience is a two-fer, enabling parents to help their kids develop a sense of self-efficacy in dealing with setbacks, as well as helping parents free their kids to differentiate from them – a critical developmental activity.

 Here are 8 steps (which will not happen in one conversation) for doing just that:

1.    Listen to what your children have to say about the setback – in as much detail as they want to share (and don’t be shy about prompting).

2.    Invite them to describe how they feel about it – and express empathy for their pain or unease.

3.    Ask them if they have any ideas for managing the situation (naturally, young children may need some strategizing help).

4.    Let them know you support their efforts. Ask them what they think they might need from you to move through their feelings and find a workable solution.

5.    Make sure they know you have confidence in them, and that you trust they will reconcile the situation.

6.    If they choose to figure out and/or execute a fix-it plan without your aid, don’t keep asking them how it’s going.

7.    Reiterate that learning how to fail is just as important as learning how to succeed (actually, it’s even more important!). Kids need to understand that the only real failure is not learning from our mistakes. It’s helpful to share examples of how you’ve bounced back from failure.

8.    Take time to process how you feel about your kids’ setback AWAY from them. You may be heartbroken, disappointed, frustrated, scared, etc., but you must process those emotions independently or with the help of another adult. This way you can be present for your child and not contaminate the situation with your issues.

A deeper dive on number eight is in order.

So often parents come to me personally distraught about whatever issue their kid is navigating. We forget that the job of parents is to give our children the dignity to have their own lives and to support them in solving the problems that arise as a result.

Parents need occasional reminders that our children are not extensions of us. When they become tweens, their friends become more important than we are and they start to pull away from us. Often, parents struggle with what they perceive as rejection. But that’s not what’s happening at all. They are simply differentiating from us – a necessary and critical developmental milestone. When we are clear about where we end and our kids begin, we’re better able to accept, tolerate and celebrate their choices, successes and failures as theirs, not ours. 

As it turns out, parenting is a master class that helps parents hone their own resilience when it comes to their kids’ differentiation

10 Tips for Raising Resilient Kids

As the end of November rolls around, many of us are compiling our Gratitude Lists for the big day that’s just around the corner.

·      Healthy children

·      Success at work

·      Being with family at the holiday

It’s not hard to be grateful for the good things in our lives, is it?

As a parent and parenting coach, I want to share some even better grist for your Thanksgiving thank-yous this year. This year, I am encouraging my family, friends, and clients to be grateful for the challenges our children face – because navigating tough times successfully is what transforms kids into resilient and capable adults

Why would any parent be grateful for difficult situations that cause our children to struggle, have their feelings hurt, or even fail? According to a growing body of research, just about every parent on the planet should be. Psychologists and researchers have demonstrated that what differentiates kids, what helps them to develop the resilience and “grit” so crucial to navigating modern life, is learning how to deal with the challenges and tough times that are central to the human experience.

Most of us tend to define gratitude and success far too narrowly, equating them with the times when everything is going smoothly. We implicitly teach that to our kids too by ameliorating their troubles and spoon-feeding solutions to them. 

Parents do better by their adults-in-training when we focus less on self-esteem and more on self-efficacy.  Here are 10 tips that can help you raise resilient kids who become resilient adults.

1. Check your parenting expectations at the door. Do whatever is necessary to get it out of your head that “good” parenting is defined by how much smooth sailing your children – and your family – experiences.

2. Change how you talk to your kids. Instead of promising, “Don’t worry; I’ll fix it” say “I know things are hard, but if you persevere, I promise you’ll find a way to resolve this – and be better for the effort.”

3. Get out of the way! Don’t always race ahead of your kids to level the playing field, literally or figuratively. If your 8th grader wants friends but is having trouble making them, don’t try to arrange things behind the scenes. Instead, help him navigate the feelings of rejection and teach him skills for finding his tribe.

4. Stand by your child. Yes, get out of the way, but that doesn’t mean going away. Your kids need your support and motivation even more when their life gets hard. Offer suggestions when asked – or when they are truly at an impasse.

5. Honor their emotional experience. As hard as it is to see your “baby” in pain, let her or him know it’s OK to be upset by an upsetting situation. Above all, be empathic when your child communicates their hurt feelings. If they aren’t talkers, be mindful of their behavior and help them identify what they are feeling. Listening is critical.

6. Set boundaries for expressing emotion. Some parents may be tolerant of their kids swearing or yelling or breaking things when they’re angry. I wasn’t. I was supportive of my kid’s anger and sadness, but I saw it as my job to teach them how to feel their feelings without being abusive to others. For the littler ones, be sure to provide plenty of “containment” for their more difficult emotions so they’re safe.

7. Express confidence in their abilities. Persevering through challenges is uncharted territory for young kids. Telling them how much you believe in their abilities helps them come to believe that they are indeed capable of advocating for themselves. Once they have a few successes under their belt, you can reference those when the next hurdle arises.

8. Model resilience. One of the biggest ways parents can help their kids is to stop interviewing them each night at dinner and create a dialogue instead. Share how you faced a challenging discussion with your boss or what happened when you told a close friend a truth you had been avoiding. I constantly share my foibles and what I learned through them with my kids. It’s helped them to see my humanity, too.

9. Trust the process. Teaching your children how to deal with problems is one of the best gifts you can bestow. Frankly, I wouldn’t have “perfect” kids even if that were possible. My oldest son, now in his first professional job, would say his current success – and his outlook on life – has more to do with the academic nosedive he took as a sophomore than with all the easy times combined.

10. Be grateful for every bump in the road. Each time you feel frustrated for your child or want to swoop in and fix everything, remember that your new definition of “good” parenting is resilient children who feel a sense of empowerment, ownership and self-efficacy when it comes to life’s challenges.

Empower you children to own their successes and failures and you put them in control of their destiny. That’s the best goal of parenting there is.