Post-Election Letter to My Children

This has been an unparalleled election season. Like more than 50% of Americans, I anticipated a different outcome.

As the victor became clear, my first thoughts were of my children and my fears about how the policies of our new president would affect them in years to come. After taking time to process my own response, I composed and sent the following letter to my children on Wednesday morning, November 10. I shared it with a few close friends who urged me to post it on my blog.

I hope it is helpful.

Dear Oliver, Kalie and Quincy,

 Perhaps I should have had this letter ready to go first thing this morning or even last night. However I, like many, failed to recognize the profound disillusionment and disenfranchisement experienced by so many Americans who seem to have voted for a political outsider who filled the campaign trail with rallying rhetoric and promises of a better life. I'm no political expert...and I don't fully understand what happened in this election. What I do know is that we are profoundly lucky in our lives, which makes it is easy for us to trust a system that, although flawed, has served us – or at least not betrayed us.

Democracy…so central to our freedom in this great country…requires dialogue, compromise and commitment to ideals of unity, not division. Let's work to hold our elected officials to that standard and hope that the mandate for reform will push collaboration and not obstruction. We must stand with the groups that have been victimized and marginalized by Trump on the campaign trail. As Jews, and as human beings, we cannot stand by or fail to speak up for women, people of color, the LGBTQ community, those with disabilities, immigrants, veterans and other minority groups.

As I face this new day...one I could not have imagined...one that fills me with fear...I am also thinking about tomorrow.

 I have lived my life motivated and mobilized by anxiety and fear rather than paralyzed by them. That approach is intentional and reflects my values. It is a volitional choice I have made, and I have worked hard to model this to the three of you because anxiety, fear, disappointment and rejection are part of life. It is not realistic to eliminate them, but it is empowering to learn how to use them to help us grow and change. Resilience is key...and challenging times like this are tests of our grit and our resolve, and we will persevere.

This is a moment where despite my fear, despite my anxiety, and despite my profound sense of despair, I am going to find a way to mobilize and reengage and be part of the solution. I want to do whatever it will take to heal our country, because the vast divide that has been identified and highlighted by this election cycle is ultimately destructive and dangerous for America.

I encourage you today to take the time you need to grieve and to mourn.  I feel your pain and wish I could hold you all in my arms.  But tomorrow, I encourage you to awake with a renewed commitment to being citizens of this country and citizens of this world.

This will manifest differently for all of us. You get to decide how to use your spheres of influence...you get to choose how you can make your mark...what you will do...what you will say. There is no right way, nor is there only one way. But promise me that despair won't win the day...that apathy won't be victorious...that hate won't prevail. Find your path...continue to be engaged members of your community in whatever ways you define them.

I need you to know that I am beyond proud of the three of you. You are the greatest joys in my life. I know that you are fundamentally engaged, responsive, committed people who are going to be part of the solutions in this country.

Today we mourn. Tomorrow we recommit to Tikkun Olam...healing our world.

I love you beyond measure.

Mom ❤

Parenting as Easy as 1,4,4: 1 Week. 4 Questions. 4 Answers.

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”  So said 19th century French critic and writer Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr.

While Karr likely wasn’t referring to parenting when he coined the phrase, it rings true nonetheless.

While modern parents are beset by “more is more” consumerism, whether it’s kid gear, how-to books or digital experts trafficking in truth, the basics of good parenting really hasn’t changed over millennia – at least not from my perspective.

You know what else hasn’t changed? The questions parents ask about raising their children.

Last week I heard from 4 different clients, each asking one of the most-frequently-asked parenting questions I’ve heard over the years. In this post, I’m sharing them – and my answers – with the blogosphere! 

QUESTION #1 – How do I create even a little ‘ME’ time?

This question is so universal and ubiquitous that I actually launched my blog with a post on the importance of self-care.  There was so much to say, I continued the conversation in my second blog post!

Here’s the crux: You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.

Let’s say you’re having a beyond-crazy week. What “good” parents (usually moms) think they “should” do is free up a little time by cancelling the one thing that’s on the calendar for themselves. In the end, everyone suffers, especially the children we mistakenly believe our selflessness will benefit.

Why does eliminating self-care backfire? Because if we are exhausted, or worse, falling apart at the seams, we don’t have the bandwidth or resilience to be the intentional, positive parents we want to be.

Trust me on this: I learned the hard way.

I was the Mom who was always available and present for my kids. I managed to put them first all of the time -- at the expense of myself and, at times, my marriage.  After my divorce, I was drowning and could barely keep my own head above water, much less my kids’. But wouldn’t you know it, in a moment of sanity, I realized they were more than capable of treading water – even swimming!

I eventually saw I was doing my children a grave disservice by always sacrificing my needs to attend to theirs - even their perceived needs. So I pulled back on being there 24/7/365 – and amped up teaching them how to navigate and negotiate life’s challenges. As a result, we were all able to recover, and even thrive, through and after the divorce.

Don’t believe it’s possible to carve out “me time”?  Here are a few suggestions for parents of kids of all ages.

Toddlers. Create an activity bag with enough toys and puzzles to keep little ones occupied for 10 minutes. It gives them the opportunity to have some righteous “alone time” right outside the open bathroom or bedroom door while you have a shower or do 10 minutes of mindful meditation.

School-aged. Go to your room after dinner for 20 minutes and relax while the kids clear the table and load the dishwasher. (Promise me you won’t redo it, even if they waste precious space!)

Teens.  Older kids need autonomy. Go out for a run, take a yoga class or grab coffee with a friend. By this age, your teens know your boundaries – and the consequences if they cross them.

QUESTION #2 – Why do my kids fight all the time?

What parent likes being a referee when their kids fight over seemingly inane matters? None I know. But far too often, parents become arbitrators because they think it’s what good parents do.

Bow out now. It’s not your job to be judge and jury over every sibling squabble. (Caveat: if an older child is striking a younger one or safety is at risk in any way, get involved.)

A sibling spat may not be Instagram or Facebook worthy, but it’s a fact of life for every family. Skirmishes among siblings – over having the best toys, a parent’s favor or yadda-yadda – is a natural sibling dynamic that’s actually developmentally appropriate.

If you’re one of those parents who can tune it out while your kids work it out, consider yourself lucky. But for some of us, that level of disruption and disquiet is uncomfortable at best and unnerving at worst.

What to do? My MO was to give my kids one “Knock it off!” in hopes they’d do just that. When they didn’t, the rule in our house was that they each went into separate rooms until they were able to co-exist.

Kids naturally want to draw us into understanding why they did what they did to their brother or blame their sister. But resolving the issue is not your job; it’s theirs. Kids want you to label one the victim and the other the villain. As long as you continue to do that, the frequency of squabbling only escalates.

How long must they be apart before the time out is over, you ask?  As long as it takes. I always tell my clients that a “time out” isn’t about time, per se. It’s about “out.” How long “out” lasts depends on our kids’ willingness to peacefully co-exist.

QUESTION #3 – Why won’t my husband get with the program?

Let’s start with the positive.

According to a Pew Research Center report on American fathers, generally speaking they are more ”with the program” than not.

In another Pew report on the division of labor in households with two working parents, things appear generally, if not exactly, equitable. 

Then there are the outliers.

I often hear from women – like the one who asked this question – who say they do everything related to child care and domestic duties; their partners are simply not engaged. When talking about a male and female partnership, it’s safe to say the sexes function differently. In my experience, unengaged Dads fall into several categories:

1.    They want to be the “fun” dad, leaving everything else to Mom.

2.    They want to engage, but struggle to participate.

3.    They engage, but feel as if their efforts aren’t appreciated or aren’t good enough.

4.    They don’t want to do the work of family life, but are willing to pay for outside help (housecleaners, nannies, etc.).

5.    They don’t want to engage and they don’t care how it makes their partner feel.

With the first three categories, the opportunity for success is great. If your partner is a #4 and you’re okay with such an arrangement, then a happy home life can be yours as well. A #5 partner is a situation beyond the limits of my coaching expertise – so definitely engage a therapist (or divorce lawyer).

Certainly, as women, we need to hold our partners accountable – not by keeping a tally of infractions and blowing up when we can’t take it anymore – but by speaking up in the moment and objectively communicating how we feel without judging or blaming. If you’re unable to communicate effectively – or if you can yet your partner still doesn’t understand -- then by all means bring in a third party like a therapist or parenting coach to help.

Here’s the hugely important thing, women with partners like #3 must do: Let their efforts be good enough.

Perhaps the dishwasher doesn’t get loaded exactly as you would like or no one in the family has matching socks when he does laundry or your daughter’s luscious locks look gnarly no matter how many styling lessons you’ve proffered.

Let it go, let it go, let it go.

Conversely, if there’s something you absolutely positively need to be done a certain way, then take it off your partner’s list and swap it for something you don’t care about. What’s important is that the two of you are more or less equally engaged in making sure the kids are safe, healthy and (relatively) happy. The rest pales in comparison.

QUESTION #4 – Why is my kid lying on the floor instead of doing his homework?

Great question. Why is your kid lying on the floor instead of doing his homework?

In this particular situation, school had just started. Her otherwise compliant 9-year-old son refused to answer the list of questions his teacher had posed to all her students in an attempt to get to know them. Instead, he flopped down on the floor, flapping about, refusing to do the work.

And Mom? She mimicked his flapping to prove to him how ridiculous he looked.

It hardly made the boy want to jump up and get to work.

My response to any child who is avoiding responsibility is to engage with her or him to get to the crux of the resistance. After all, a child who feels confident and competent about her abilities isn’t going to avoid an opportunity to let her teacher know just how smart she is.

So what exactly was going on? I coached my client through the following scenarios:

•      Was her son having a difficult transition from summertime to school?

•      Is he over scheduled?

•      Does he need a snack and some downtime after school before hitting the books?

•      Was he overwhelmed by the sheer number of questions in the assignment?

•      Did he know the answers, but was embarrassed by his handwriting?

•      Was his behavior part of a pattern of avoidance?

•      Could there be a learning disability?

•      What about an emotional block?

After careful analysis, my client realized her son was dealing with an execution issue. After a summer off, he was simply overwhelmed by the task of sitting down to write out all of the responses. Mom agreed to be his scribe so he could answer fulsomely without having to face the onerous task of writing. In this case, it was a great solution. The teacher was trying to get a sense of her new students, it wasn’t a handwriting exercise. And as it turned out, the boy was happy to to share his thoughts when he wasn’t constrained by the writing. 

As parents, our most important job is to pay the right kind of attention to our kids so we can understand what makes them tick – and to see where they need extra sensitivity and empathy.

My take away from my clients this week is that all parents would be well served if we regularly shared our parenting trials and tribulations with each other.  So much of what parents go through – especially the tough times – aren’t unique.  Finding out you are not alone eases the burden considerably, alleviates anxiety and offers you multiple ways to deal with challenging moments.  So let’s keep sharing.

There you have it. 1 week. 4 questions. 4 answers. Now I’d love to hear about your concerns!

Ask a parenting question. 

Why Sexy Halloween Costumes are Scary for Our Daughters

Are your daughters starting to talk about what they’ll be for Halloween this year?

If Yes, I have a straightforward piece of advice. Stop and bring a thoughtful, adult perspective to the discussion.

Bottom line, tweens and teens need to be empowered not to wear costumes that sexualize them before it’s developmentally appropriate.

It won’t be easy.

The trick will be to deftly navigate today’s marketplace.

Sad to say, non-sexualized choices for girls, especially teens, are limited. Most costume shops that start popping up in early September mostly stock whore-ified female versions of male costumes. 

There’s the police officer…and his sexy counterpart (what female cop doesn't wear a mini skirt  and fishnets these days?) The fire fighter…and his sexy counterpart. The ghoul, the chef, the butler, the skeleton, the devil, the doctor, the fill-in-the-blank…and his sexy counterpart. You get the idea.

I can almost hear your daughter’s argument: “But it’s what everyone else is wearing!”

That may be true, but this is the time to confirm your values and firmly weigh in on the decision of what your daughter can wear. When children are allowed to wear sexy clothing – costumed or everyday – not only do others see and treat them as sexual creatures… they see themselves that way as well. And often, far earlier than they are emotionally or developmentally aware enough to deal with the consequences.

Be sensitive to your daughters’ desire to fit in, and by all means, don’t shame her for wanting to wear a sexy costume. Take this opportunity to speak up about the appropriateness of her choices. I’m certainly not advocating we blame the victim, but it’s important to point out to our daughters the message that certain types of clothing send – whether wittingly or not.  It is also important that our daughters feel safe and comfortable in the choices that are made available to them.

A friend asked me a great question on this topic the other day. “At what age should I let my daughter make her own decisions about the clothes she wears?” My response? Parents should probably continue checking in as long as the child lives at home. Discussions about how we present ourselves is really a discussion about the values we hold as parents and that we’re trying to instill in our children.

When we allow our young daughters to leave our homes dressed as mini adult women, we forfeit our right to be aghast when people react to them as such in the outside world.

It’s a tough stance, but our daughters are worth it.

Why It's Okay to Hate Your Toddler

Hating toddlerhood?  You're not alone.

This is an actual post from a parenting group I belong to on Facebook.

Swear. To. God.

At post time, there were 171 Likes / Comments…and counting!

If you’re one of umpteen parents challenged by devilish little ones, you’re clearly not alone. Frankly, what’s not to hate? Toddlers are irrational, highly emotional, demanding – and completely powerless over their lives. A perfect storm, particularly because they possess ZERO capacity to act reasonably once they’ve hit their limit (or sooner, depending on the provocation).

It's just how they roll.

In developmental terms, they have the vital job of exploring their vast world – and asserting their (presumed) mastery of same – by any means necessary.

Fortunately there are some very effective parental workarounds for the conundrums that beset toddlers and their handlers. In this post, I share some of the most exasperating questions I hear from clients, as well as my tested and proven methods for taming the oh-so-terrible 2s and 3s!

Why can’t I stop the meltdowns?

Kids throw tantrums because they’ve completely exhausted their physical and/or psychic capacity. When we put toddlers in situations that exceed their capacity, we invite catastrophe.

That makes Rule # 1 for stopping the meltdowns to be mindful of your toddlers’ limits – and don’t exceed them.

Rule #2 is to prioritize the “red rules” – those things you and your co-parent (and other caretakers) agree are non-negotiable and always enforceable. For example, considering most toddlers are sapped by bedtime, do you really need a list of 5 hygiene-related tasks every night? Could simply brushing their teeth be the one must-do, leaving flossing, moisturizing and the like for those days when they’re in a more agreeable mood?

Rule #3. Stop talking and start doing. Even just 30 seconds of this video gone viral proves the point.

 While having a deep convo with your kiddie may seem like the in-touch-parent thing to do, “processing” with a 3-year-old is a complete waste of time and oxygen.

Picking them up and buckling them in the car in their pjs, if necessary, so you can get them to daycare and you to work? That they understand in a heartbeat.

 If I let my toddler win an argument, aren’t I teaching them that my rules don’t count?

See Rules #2 and 3. 

Plus, pick your battles. Give your children choices so they can learn to assert some control over their lives. You’ll be surprised to see just how empowered they feel when they get the opportunity to select from two options.

Don’t be surprised, however, when they select door #3 - from which you haven’t proffered a thing. But if that option doesn’t put them in danger or isn’t truly inappropriate, let it go! Rain boots on a sunny day? Plaids with stripes? Who cares! Allow your toddler to assert his or her independence on things that ultimately don’t matter.

Why is my toddler so temperamental and whiney?

Most toddlers who present that way have exhausted their capacity and you’re seeing the manifestation of that. Much of the time, whiney kids are actually hungry or tired or have some other physical or emotional need you can fulfill.

And yes, sometimes toddlers are just whiney. Remember, though, their lives are all about are wresting even a miniscule measure of control from a situation in which they are generally powerless. So when they whine or scream No about something you ask them to do, they are simply trying to assert their independence.

 Why are transitions so difficult for my toddler?

Toddlers like routine. In new or unfamiliar situations, they’re simply less resilient.

When you interrupt your established routine with a new activity or a trip, they often deal with their anxiety by whining or tantrumming. So prepare them for the transition as much as possible.

An upcoming trip? Try this: “We’re going to Grandma’s tomorrow after our Mommy and Me class. You’ll get to sleep in your cousin’s room on a special cot. Do you want to bring your bear or your blanket… or both?”  Talk about the upcoming activity in a positive way, and share the fun they will have as a result.

 Is it ever OK to spank my toddler?

In my opinion, it is never, ever okay to hit a child. I’ve raised my voice at my kids. I’ve bribed them. But I never spanked them.

Why not?

It’s not an effective strategy. It doesn’t teach them anything, except that mommy or daddy can be scary.

If you want to spank your toddler because she isn’t listening, for example, forgo the swat and figure out another way to teach him to listen. As the adult, it’s your job to experiment with multiple ways to make your point so your child learns what you expect from them.

Speaking of raised voices… save your SUPER voice for truly dangerous situations. You want your toddler to hear that voice and freeze.

 How should I respond to my very picky toddler when it comes to food?

Again, choice is helpful here. Keep healthy foods cut up and accessible.

Make new foods available. Don’t try to cajole your kids into eating them, but be sure they see you eating them! Try not to give them their staple favorites at each meal, or they will be inclined to shy away from new options. Be willing to keep trying, but know it may take a while for picky toddlers to adjust. 

I promise they won’t starve themselves, however. Eventually they’ll get hungry enough and will eat something you’ve provided. If you’re still not sold, there are plenty of picky-eater tricks to try online.

 I’m a stay-at-home parent. What do I do with my toddlers all day long?

Toddlerhood can be especially tough for stay-at-home parents who don’t love this age. If you fall into this category – as do a lot of cerebral and verbal people who want their kids to get their puns – I want you to feel permission not to love these toddlin’ years.

Regardless of your predilections, the same solution applies. You’ve got to find ways to use your community. Meet up with other moms of toddlers. The kids need toddler-to-toddler interaction, and it also helps them to hear from and interact with other adults.  

Leverage every low- and no-cost opportunity your community provides – and there are plenty. Libraries. Bookstores. Toy stores with play stations. Indoor malls.

Distraction is what you’re after.

If you need to spend the morning at the service station while your car is serviced, pack a bag with 15-20 things that will amuse your kids for at least 5 minutes each. If you need to take a shower – give your toddler a morning bag with several toys, keep the bathroom door open and scrub-a-dub.

Toddlerhood may make you feel imprisoned at times, but remember…it’s not a life sentence. These few years – and all those adorable things your kid says and does – will be over before you know it. 

When is the best time to make the transition from crib to toddler bed?

Hold out as long as you can! I wouldn’t take a toddler out of a crib until they demonstrated a full ability to climb out of it. In fact, pad the area around the crib and wait until your toddler’s dismount is a perfect 10!

I kid.

If your toddler can be in a crib comfortably and safely – I say leave them there. Why make the transition before you need to? Their development will not be impaired. When you think about it, a crib is just a toddler bed with safety rails.

Whenever you decide to make the switch, make sure the rest of their life is relatively calm, and do what you can to ease the transition for your toddler.

 Is co-sleeping okay?

Co-sleeping is an individual decision. I personally think it’s better for parents to be alone and for toddlers to learn to self-soothe, so it wasn’t the right choice for me.

Most experts say it’s OK if it doesn’t create tension between parents – and as long as the child isn’t totally dependent on co-sleeping.

 Should I make a point to interest my children in non-gender-traditional toys and activities or let them choose?  

It’s always important to be thoughtful about the toys you’re bringing into the house. Truth is, though, I bought my older son dolls, and he used them as projectiles. He even pretended carrots were pistols.

My other son, born after my daughter, did play dolls with her – until the day, unprovoked, he declared those days were over.

Interesting, from the ages of 2-4, that same son carried a purse (black patent leather with a pink heart!) that held all his little toy planes and trucks. He just liked to have his belongings with him. At 4, he unceremoniously traded in his purse for a knapsack.

It’s safe to say toddlers absorb some gender-identify info from a variety of sources, including toy stores, and opinions on gender-specific toys vary widely. My opinion? Be mindful of what you buy –and of your own bias – and then do what you believe is right.  

 Is there a right or wrong time to send my toddler to preschool or daycare?

I’m going to fall back on the “personal choice” option here. Well, that…and an honest understanding of your tolerance level for this stage.

If you have the freedom to be home and explore the world with your kids…

If you (generally) love doing so…

And you’re good with giving your toddlers ample opportunities to socialize with other toddlers…

Then feel free to keep them at home with you. What’s important developmentally is that kids begin to practice individuation from Mommy and Daddy at this point of their young lives – but they don’t need to go to school to do so.

If you’re not in love with toddlerhood, or you need coverage, by all means, enroll your child in a preschool or daycare program that gives you the respite you need to be the best parent possible when you trek home, toddler in tow.

Here’s the crux: You don’t want your child to get to kindergarten without being socially exposed to other toddlers and adults. Beyond that, do what works for your family -- although I’m not sure I’d endorse the following option (also a FB entry.)

Why is it so hard to remember that, as the parent, I am in control?

I understand that it feels as if you are being held hostage to your toddlers’ irrational demands. But feelings aren’t facts.

Naturally, you can’t lock them in room and walk away. Your job as a parent is to stay in control despite their protestations (NO! I can do it myself! Mine! “Listen to me, Linda!”)

Toddlers aren’t the only ones with finite capacity for life’s frustrations. Parents, especially the caretakers of toddlers, don’t get enough sleep and may not be eating as healthily as possible. But even when you are not feeling particularly resilient, it’s important to continually remind yourself that you ARE in control.

Here’s the last word on taming your toddler: When things don’t go according to plan, don’t negotiate, legislate!

And enjoy the ride!

“Dear Stress, Let’s Break up!”

That’s how I began the presentation I gave at the EPWNG (Exclusive Professional Women’s Networking Group) annual luncheon that featured four presentations on the topic, “Unstress for Success: Tools for Shifting Stress into Power.”  

Think about it: Who among us wouldn’t like to break up with stress once and for all? Certainly nobody – and for sure no parent – I know.

But given what a pipe dream that is, I quickly followed up my opening line with the reality:“Stress is Here to Stay.” 

But don’t despair. In my view, stress often results from good intentions. Here’s what I told my audience:

So, if stress is here to stay…what tools can we parents use to manage the inevitable and be more successful and happy in our lives?  I’ve got four such tools I’d like to share with you. Here they are:

De-Stress Tool #1 – Make choices to avoid stressful situations.

There is a certain amount of what I call “optional” stress in everyone’s life. In these situations, we have the opportunity to be thoughtful about the decisions we’re making.

I can tell you first-hand that volunteering to give a presentation at a professional meeting definitely qualifies as “optional” stress! Clearly, I could have completely avoided the angst of preparing for and delivering the presentation at EPWNG, but obviously I believed the benefits of doing so far outweighed the stress it caused. (p.s. It totally did!)

I often help parents see how they usher optional stress into their lives with open arms. The classic example, of course, is bringing young children to a nice restaurant.

Granted, the $$ you save on babysitting by bringing your child to your neighborhood’s newest farm-to-table spot virtually covers the cost of at least one fabulously prepared meal. But it’s a Faustian bargain at best. Eliminate such unnecessary stress by not putting young children in environments where they can’t possibly perform well. Sadly, there’s no guarantee your toddler won’t have a meltdown in a family-friendly restaurant, but you’re much more likely to garner empathy from co-diners versus the death stares you’ll likely get in a 5-star establishment.

Parents can also eliminate a good measure of weekday morning stress by differentiating decision-making and execution from time of departure. By making decisions – what you’ll pack for lunch; what you and the kids will wear in the morning; confirming everything that needs to go in the backpack or briefcase in advance – then executing those tasks each evening, you’ll eliminate morning stress for you and your kids. As you well know, they don’t like starting their day with yelling anymore than you do!

De-Stress Tool #2 – Acknowledge when you’re in a stressful situation.

Traffic jams.

Performance reviews.

A sick child.

Travel.

Public speaking. :) 

Who among us has ever had a day go precisely as planned?  No one. That’s why before I dig in to help clients unpack a stressful situation and plan how to deal with it, I make sure they vent – and I acknowledge – the stress that is happening in their lives.

Just as important as not denying our stress?  Not adding guilt to the mix. This, sadly, seems to be a super power we women have. Men? Not so much.

De-Stress Tool #3 – Don’t own anyone else’s stress.

Kids are master stress dumpers, given their exaggerated sense of urgency and their lack of perspective about what is and is not your responsibility. Frankly, it’s not always up to us to solve their problems – as much as they may want us to!  Our job is to teach our children the same de-stressing tools we’re trying to implement. Here’s how I put it in my talk: 

Secondhand stress just doesn’t come from our kids, of course. Co-workers, bosses, family and friends can all be instigators, intentionally or not. While our instinct may be to intervene or rescue, let’s all vow to consciously remind ourselves that someone else’s bad planning is their emergency, not mine.

De-Stress Tool #4 – Use stress to motivate change.

Once we recognize and acknowledge stress, we begin to see what an amazing opportunity we have to control what we can control – and that’s our own reaction to stressful situations.

I remember early on when my ex-husband would bring his girlfriend to kids or family events, I let their presence contaminate my experience. But after realizing that if I were to feel 100% of the joy I wanted to feel at my child’s graduation or piano recital, it was up to me to find a way to manage my reaction. Once I did, those experiences were better for all of us.

Stress can also function as a positive motivator, such as when we take on a challenging work assignment. Or when we work with a therapist or support group to learn how to better regulate our emotions and reactivity.

The more we practice these four tools to de-stress, the more effective we will be at handling the inevitable stressed faced by humans around the globe.

I’d like to end this post with a final positive reminder…

What I Did on My Summer Vacation OR 20 Things I Learned About Divorce Mediation

Here I go, with a riff on that age-old middle-school essay.

As a divorced mom and parent coach, one of the things I feel passionate about is helping divorced couples co-parent to the ultimate benefit of their children. So among the many things I did this summer was to take a week to focus on my own education before I hustled to launch my three young-adult children on their individual academic adventures.

In short, I took the Divorce Mediation Skills Training Certificate Program at Northwestern University.

It having been quite a few years since I was a student, I was a tad trepidatious. I remember joking with my kids about my anxiety and attention span, but ­­­­I’m happy to report I found the experience to be enlivening and enlightening. I am particularly grateful to our two outstanding teachers, the terrific coaches they brought in to work with us and my talented cohort group.

So, what did I learn? Quite a lot! Here are a few things that people going through a divorce – and the many people who know them – might find helpful.

1.     Divorce is complicated. Of course you know that. What you may not know is that divorce isn’t just a family issue. There are actually three (count ‘em, 3) systems involved in every divorce: the Family system; the Legal system; and the IRS. Divorce is the process of navigating those three systems and negotiating the boundaries between them. Make sure your mediator helps you end up with a parenting agreement that doesn’t raise red flags in any of those areas.

2.     Fighting makes everything worse. Speaking of flags, keep a white one handy. I don’t mean surrender your rights or your wishes, but surrender fighting about them. Fighting not only kills any vestiges of family spirit, it can lead to depression, withdrawal from parenting, drug and alcohol abuse, and at its worse, even spousal or child abuse.

3.     Make sure your mediator is neutral. A mediator’s job is to ensure that both parties have their voices heard and understood. The mediator’s role is to help co-parents collaborate so they can come to agreement – not to be vested in any particular outcome.

4.     Informed decision-making is key. Divorcing couples are making extremely critical decisions at a super-fraught and emotional time in their lives. Co-parents need to be fully informed, which is why many people opt to engage lawyers and or financial experts to vet issues even as they participate in mediation.

5.     Mediators are trained to reflect your “interests”, not your rights. Mediators are not attorneys. The legal system stipulates legal rights for both parents and children in a divorce. Don’t confuse your mediator’s role and expertise with your lawyer’s.

6.     Something can be inequitable, but still be legal. There’s the rub, right? The axiom that life isn’t fair typically plays out at some point during every divorce. As best as they can, divorcing parents need to focus on the big picture – the wellbeing of their children, themselves, and their former spouse. Do make sure your mediator understands that equity is relevant and important to you.

7.     Lawyers get a bad rap. Lawyers see the world through a very precise prism. From their point of view, equity isn’t relevant under the law (see #6). Sometimes they have the tough role of sharing those facts with their clients. That said, select your divorce attorney wisely and well. Most important, if you plan to engage in mediation, make sure your attorney is a willing partner to the process.

8.     Mediation is a delicate balance. Mediators are called on to make things better for one co-parent without making it worse for the other. But sometimes the best decision for the children may also happen to be easier or better for one parent versus the other. If you’re the “other,” try to keep your children’s well-being top-of-mind.

9.     Enough with the venting. I get it. Divorce sucks. Maybe even your spouse sucks. But unregulated venting in mediation is counter-productive. Mediators aren’t therapists, so they can’t cure your sense of hurt or injustice or whatever. Vent to your friends; get a therapist; join a gym. But in mediation, stay focused on the goal – an agreement that’s in the best interest of your entire family.

10.  One partner is always further along than the other. It stands to reason that the partner who initiated the divorce is more at peace with the process. Or one partner is simply better at regulating his or her emotions. One’s position relative to the other will likely shift during the process. When you’re the “further along” one, let your mediator do the work of bringing your partner along.

11.  Emotional uncoupling is a process. An extremely difficult one at that. Everyone needs to acknowledge and validate the reality that emotionally uncoupling a marriage and a family is a roller-coaster for everyone. Compassion for yourself and your family as everyone meanders through it is essential.

12.  Mediators are people, too. While many mediators have been through conflict or divorce, those who have not may come across as insensitive or surprised at a co-parent’s difficulty with the process. If that happens, acknowledge the infraction and move on.

13.  It’s not the mediator’s job to solve your problems. You and your spouse created them, so the two of you are responsible for resolving them. A mediator is there to help guide you through the process. Period.

14.  Mediators are bound by ethics of confidentiality. But be aware that confidentiality laws can vary state to state and contract to contract. Be sure you understand the confidentiality of the mediation process. Be thoughtful that the more transparent you are in the process, the more likely you are to achieve a successful outcome that protects your interests

15.  Co-parenting is not the same as parallel parenting. Obviously, co-parenting – when parents put their children’s needs first – is optimal for kids. But as it relies on regular and at least decent communication between divorced people, for some parents it’s just not realistic. Sometimes, “parallel parenting” is the only option. If that’s the case for you, make sure that is reflected in your parenting agreement by establishing clear boundaries and putting systems in place for how issues get resolved without direct contact.

16.  “Be brief; be informative; be friendly; be firm.” That’s the essence of collaborative law, and it’s part of the training for mediators. Don’t expect to become chummy with your mediator. They have an objective job to do, and that’s what you want them to focus on. It’s not a personality contest between you and your co-parent.

17.  Be as positive as possible. When going through divorce, it’s easy to focus on what you don’t want or what you won’t tolerate. But that’s not very informative to the mediator. Focus on what you do want for your kids. You’ll end up with a much better parenting agreement that way.

18.  Listen to understand, not to react. That’s the mediator’s primary job. But divorcing spouses would be wise to take such counsel. Really listen to what your spouse wants for your children; don’t be planning your response as he or she is speaking. You just may be surprised at what you hear.

19.   Focus forward. Divorce is (generally) permanent. You and your co-parent are going to continue parenting for decades. Keeping a forward focus is a constructive approach that can inhibit you from getting mired in inane arguments about issues that will only matter for a short time.

20.  No parenting agreement is ideal. But can you live with it? Does it offer the best support, consistency and safety for your children? Are you getting most of what you need? If the answer to these questions is Yes, do your kids a huge favor and sign it.

5 Pieces of Advice for Parents of High School Freshman

Sweaty palms and jangled nerves.

Anxiety about navigating a new world.

Intense desires to fit in.

Frenzied fears they won’t.

That’s the emotional terrain most teens traverse as they make their way across the wide expanse from elementary to high school.

It’s a sizable transition by all accounts – social, psychological, academic and physical. The rub is that the transition needs to be experienced… your teen can’t really prepare for it. But as parents, you can help along the way.

That’s why this posts offers guidance on the 5 most relevant and fraught topics your freshman (or freshwoman) will continually face as he or she evolves from an incoming 9th grader to bona fide high schooler. They are, in no particular order:

1.    Drinking and drugs

2.    Making friends

3.    Academic expectations

4.    Romantic relationships

5.    The digital domain

 One caveat: There are no magic solutions or established protocols that will work for every teen in every family. What’s essential is that as parents, you understand your own feelings about these high-stakes high school hurdles. That enables you to make intentional decisions based on your values – and the outcome you want for your child. Then you articulate them again… and again.

Let’s talk teens.

1.    Drinking and drugs.

Personally, my values are that teenagers should not drink or take drugs. My (now grown) kids knew this because I told them – early and often. And the more they heard me say it, the more it was in their head when they were faced with that choice.

Unlike my teenagers, I had the parental gift of perspective and insight, so I shared my knowledge about drugs and alcohol with them, especially regarding the:

·      Difference of the alcohol levels in beer vs. spirits

·      Implications of mixing uppers (like red bull) with downers (alcohol)

·      Difference of the effects of drinking on a 200-pound boy vs. a 100-pound girl

·      Legal consequences of drinking or taking drugs on school property

·      Legal consequences of driving while under the influence

·      Legal implications for me if minors drank in my home

Granted, my telling them all these things didn’t prohibit my children from making their own choices (good and bad), but they absolutely knew what the pitfalls and consequences could be.

Most important, we always had a plan in the event their decisions turned out badly. My kids knew they could call me at any time if they needed a ride. And if they texted me the phrase “911,” that was code for me to rescue them while they could still save face with their friends.

 2.    Making friends.

The headline?  Play dates are over.

 In elementary school you had some say – or at least sway – over your kids’ friends. But in high school, who your teen befriends is no longer up to you.

Big changes are afoot socially. Eighth-graders who were on top of the food chain just 12 weeks prior now find themselves at the bottom. Fueled by a desire to fit in and be accepted, most teens find themselves in wholly new territory.

High school is a great time to explore new friendships. It’s a time to try on different personalities, and maybe even re-invent oneself entirely. While I can relate to the desire for your special frosh to meet and hang out with other “good” kids, their reinvention might just look cockeyed from your point of view. My advice? Let them be.

It’s actually okay to be a little permissive if your teen explores in arenas that aren’t mortally threatening (Goth dress or unconventional hair color, for example). If their choices are discordant with your family’s values, then of course it’s time to step in and make your values known – again. Outside of that, try not to be authoritative in this arena.

The bottom line?  Kids need to work out their friendship and relationship issues on their own unless you’re specifically asked. Then you may share these five ideas with your frosh. Otherwise, provide support, empathy and insight, but don’t interfere.

3.    Academic expectations

The academic divide between grade school and high school can be daunting. More is expected of high school students. And there is less hand-holding by teachers (and there should be less hand-holding by parents!)

It is difficult to stay out of the way and not help or rescue your child as they struggle with this transition. Do your best to let your son or daughter navigate the new academic demands and manage relationships with their teachers. Be empathic to their struggles, while you help them advocate for themselves.

I appreciate the difficulty of watching a child struggle and resisting the urge to fix the problem. By all means, listen to their concerns and help them uncover ways to approach the problem. And provide a reality check for an anxious teen who can’t fathom recovering from a poor grade.

But when we get overly engaged, it disempowers our children and sends the message that we don’t think they can handle the challenges they face. If we want to build resilient, confident kids, we have to let them deal with these situations, and learn that they can, indeed, figure out their academic problems and do well. Here are some tips worth passing on:

·      Encourage them to build relationships with their teachers and regularly check in with them on their progress

·      Take advantage of in-school resources like writing labs, National Honor Society tutoring, and mentorship opportunities          

·      Identify a go-to person in each class (may not always be a friend) that can be relied upon to provide notes or a heads-up about missed assignment after an absence

In a very real sense, your teen’s mastery of the challenges of high school academics are the 21st century skills they’ll need for post-graduation work and their college career.        

4.    Romantic relationships

Just like with drinking and drugs, I didn’t tell my kids how I felt about teens and sex in one big talk prior to high school. I shared my values with them over and over again. And I assure you, they weren’t always receptive to these conversations.

If you’re not comfortable talking about sex with your kids, get help getting there. Your kids need to know your values about love and sex. Not telling them is a missed opportunity to spark a dialogue. It may not happen in the moment, but if your teens hear you speak naturally and often about typically taboo or uncomfortable topics, it’s more likely they’ll see you as someone with whom they can discuss these issues.

If your kid is the one who is uncomfortable having that conversation with you, give them a great sex-ed book or two. Do not let them construct the narrative about healthy sexuality exclusively from the Internet and their friends. 

Just like with alcohol and drugs, as parents we ought to share essential info with our teens:

·      The efficacy of various birth control methods – and access to them if you’re comfortable with that

·      Dangers of sexually transmitted disease

·      Importance of consent and being a respectful partner

·      Issues around sexual orientation and acceptance

·      Emotional attachment as a consequences of sex

·      Impact of drugs/alcohol on decision-making and sex

And with young women 16 to 24 experiencing the highest rates of rape, sexual assault and stalking, teens need to know how to take action if any of these occur.

Sharing my values about sex may not have always led to the outcomes I personally wanted for my kids, but it did lead to learning opportunities for them, as well as conversations by which they could begin to establish their personal values about sex and relationships. I call that a win.

5.    The digital domain

When even the youngest of the current crop of parents were in high school, tweeting, sexting, texting and social media were unimaginable. Today, it’s the world in which we live… and around which your teens’ lives will forever revolve.

Talk with your teens about what is appropriate to view online and what is appropriate to share online. They do not know this innately, and therefore are more vulnerable to predators and other severe consequences.

It’s especially important that teens understands several things about their digital footprints:

·      The acronym “www” stands for worldwide web, which is exactly how far their posts travel

·      There is no privacy on the web; everything posted is officially on the record –potentially for all time

·      Unflattering digital exposure can be easily viewed by college admissions officers and future employers who aren’t above relinquishing offers based on what they see online

While the idea may be a tough sell to a 14-year-old, talk regularly about how you practice social media professionalism and point out examples of social media gone wrong whenever you see it.

Well, there you have my 5 pieces of advice for parents of high school freshman.

Here’s a bonus piece of Intel: If you do not want to be one of those parents freaking out because your incoming college freshman isn’t ready for university life, begin their preparation today.

Do not handicap your high school freshman by protecting them from failing. Do not handicap them by interfering with every decision they make. Let them stumble… or even fail.

As educational reformer John Dewey insisted, failure could be as essential to learning as succeeding. Your job is to give your teen every opportunity there is to practice self-reliance and problem solving in high school. The best you have to offer is your support, validation and empathy as they do the hard work of growing up.

One final note:  While I consider myself a parenting expert, it’s been more than a few years since I crossed the threshold into high school for the first time. So if your kids seriously tune you out – or if you sense they’ll be more responsive to hearing about high school from someone born in the 21st century – here’s some advice from the pros – high school sophomores! Their recommendations aren’t half-bad.

Want FREE parenting advice? Email and ask me a parenting question.