November is one of my favorite months -- largely because it includes Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my family’s favorite holiday and we gather with close friends for a daylong extravaganza of food, football and friendship. As we work to construct a safe gathering this year, I have been very cognizant of my gratitude—for these long standing friendships, for our access to the COVID vaccine, and for meaningful family traditions.
Another treasure associated with Thanksgiving is its overt invitation to express our gratitude to those in our lives. Every child, partner, friend and employer I know loves to hear explicitly what it is about them that you’re grateful for -- me included!
For kids, learning to express gratitude comes easiest when parents consistently model this value for them. One very practical way to do this is by using the social nicety of “thank you notes” to help them understand why saying “thank you” matters.
When it came to ensuring my kids sent thank-you notes when they received a gift from a relative or friend, our house rule was pretty simple: Just do it.
Why?
First of all, it’s simply the right and kind thing to do when someone receives a gift or is the recipient of someone’s generosity of time and energy.
Second, no less than Harvard Medical School refers to research that demonstrates that giving thanks and expressing gratitude is “strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.” What parents can argue with creating habits that promise our kids that?
As important as inculcating good manners and increasing our kids’ happiness quotient are, when we teach them why it’s important to express gratitude we’re educating them about a value that matters -- making the gift-giver feel seen, recognized and acknowledged.
The impact of a thoughtful thank you note is immediate. In addition to “Thank you for X,” it says, “I see you. I know that you went out of your way for me, and I appreciate how much you care about me to make that effort. You’re great!”
The impact of being “seen” in that way is the building block of strong relationships -- at home and elsewhere
If that doesn’t resonate, just think about a time when you gifted someone and your largesse went unnoticed and unacknowledged. I’ll bet it felt bad -- and it can also be hard to forget.
Remember, though, kids don’t instinctively know what it means to be grateful or how to express it. Fortunately, it’s a lesson easily accomplished through early parental intervention, situational prompting and always, modeling.
With little kids, a thank you note can be as simple as texting the giver with a picture of the beaming toddler with the longed-for Rainbow Build-a-Bear. School-aged kids can be prompted to leverage their artistic skills and make simple homemade thank-you notes.
When kids are in high school, they’ve probably already developed a decent thank-you-note habit for birthday and holiday gifts, but may miss other opportunities where a more heartfelt acknowledgement is called for -- like when someone shares their wisdom, time or resources.
Even though my three young adult kids know the thank-you drill, when they’re home for the holidays they always appreciate the fact that I can deliver easy access to relatives’ addresses -- not to mention postage stamps!
I’ve found that modeling gratitude at home is the best path to helping our children learn the value of validating and acknowledging what others do for us. It’s so easy to take for granted what each member of a family does to make a home comfortable and enjoyable. So go ahead and thank your kids for doing their chores and your spouse for always emptying the dishwasher. It not only spotlights the object lesson, it ensures that everyone feels seen and valued as a contributing member of the family.
Happy Thanksgiving!