In my Mother’s Day post last month, I noted the dramatic escalation in the workload and roles that mothers have been experiencing during the pandemic. Even though moms have long logged off from their professional stints only to clock in for a second shift of child- and household care -- the uptick during COVID is something from which few mothers (if any) have fully recovered.
This isn’t to say that the pandemic has been a cakewalk for dads, who experienced a different sort of sea change. Perhaps more accustomed to setting aside familial responsibilities (including the weighty mental load) once they crossed the threshold of their offices, factories or organizations, fathers who migrated home to work remotely were suddenly thrust into the chaos of upended family lives as schools and day cares closed and the country went on lockdown.
For starters, many dads got woke to the massive amounts of energy their wives and/or partners expend in myriad ways caring for the family. Fathers who lost their jobs and found themselves in an at-home parent role reversal learned this in a most immediate way.
From what I’ve heard anecdotally from friends and clients, however, most dads responded vigorously and helpfully to the vast amount of family responsibilities that required renegotiation during the pandemic:
· who oversees schooling and after-school activities
· how do daily chores get accomplished
· how to deal with work meetings that could not be interrupted
· which responsibilities and chores could (or should) be handed over to kids
· tending to everyone’s anxiety and uncertainly around the virus
· helping every family member cope with the abrupt isolation from loved ones, friends and beloved communities
Once the pandemic became a workaday reality, many dads discovered the benefits of parenting 24/7 far outweighed the rigors as this Harvard study found. Among my client base, for example, most dads appreciated the increase in family-centric experiences and traditions (weekly talent shows, dance parties and back-yard camping trips, for example) that made family members feel more connected. And huge numbers of fathers savored the increased opportunities to engage with their kids -- and vice versa.
One working-at-home dad spoke of his 3rd grader who, having learned more about his day job running a college writing center, figured out he could come in mighty handy, especially as her homework had begun to include more writing assignments! Plus, his aptitude for technology perfectly dovetailed with her increased engagement with it because of remote schooling. As her tech abilities grew, he said, so did her interest. Their shared enthusiasm led to increased Dad-daughter time spent making art videos and playing with other tech tools, ultimately strengthening their bond.
I’ve also heard from fathers whose active involvement in their kids’ day-to-day school deepened. Ensuring kids logged onto Zoom on time supporting them academically became de rigueur for many dads, of course. But the real delight was eavesdropping on their kids’ interactions with teachers and students and witnessing them engage with new ideas in real time.
Pandemic family life mimicked pre-Covid life in one significant way: improvements in family cohesiveness were often the result of missteps or frustration that allowed moms and dads alike to (re)learn the value of do-overs. Lost your temper (again)? Apologize to your kids and talk about how you’ll handle it differently the next time. Then there were the multitude of pandemic-induced upsets like the abrupt cancellation of friend visits, school sports and summer camps. These gave parents tons of opportunities to collaborate on new ways to engage kids -- as well as to discover how their parenting choices in response to disappointment can actually build resiliency.
Naturally, dads felt the downside of 24/7/365 family life; who among us didn’t?! One often reported complaint was the virtual obliteration of private time, denying dads the chance to hang with friends, play team sports or engage in personal hobbies or pastimes. But many consider that a small price to pay.
How might the experiences fathers had during COVID translate to their professional lives once the pandemic is firmly behind us? From what I’m hearing my clients and colleagues say, I suspect that dads will push for an explicit reworking of the corporate “benefit” of work-life balance, one that truly accommodates flexibility for remote work and reduced travel so dads can continue to be more present in their children’s lives.
Sadly but not surprisingly, both male and female parents reported mental and physical health declines during COVID. But one study really caught my attention. It reported that 82% of fathers said “they could have used more emotional support” during the pandemic.
So here’s my plug for Father’s Day 2021. Every parent wants to be appreciated and told they’re doing a good job. Dads are no exception. They want to hear specifically -- from their partners and the kids -- what they’re doing well and right. So let’s make Father’s Day 2021 the day we do just that!