“....And Moms are still not OK.”
That’s the line that got me. It appeared in an article about moms and the pandemic that hit my in-box late March.
Fourteen months in, and I’m still hearing from clients and friends that moms bear the brunt of the increased work- and stress-loads brought about by the pandemic. And that’s not even accounting for the lost wages and forfeited gains in the labor force that mothers, especially those of color, have endured due to both the lack of childcare and the persistence of remote K-12 learning. Not to mention centuries of the unpaid, undervalued and unacknowledged labor of women.
For Mother’s ‘Day’ 2021, I say we aim much, much higher when it comes to supporting mothers…because one day out of 365 is not enough respite for anyone.
In fact, let’s tag it: #MothersDAYisnotenough.
I know this defies Rule #1 of successful hashtag creation (“don’tputamillionwordsinonehashtag”), but if ever there was a time for rule-breaking, it’s now…when women are collapsing from the strain of all that’s been put on and taken from them during this past year.
Moms -- working, single and stay-at-home alike -- have shouldered the primary responsibility for the roles of teacher/tutor, chef, housekeeper, babysitter, therapist and coach imposed by the pandemic. Of course, that’s in addition to any paying work they may have.
This isn’t just anecdotal. Study after study after study provide evidence of the pandemic’s disproportionate impact on mothers’ workload and well-being.
I’m not saying there aren’t some dads and partners out there who hold up 50% of the parenting, caregiving and household burden; nor am I denying that some fathers have stepped up to take on more of the responsibilities of family life during COVID. And there are increasing numbers of fathers who are the primary parent, caregiver and home-keeper. But a study from the Pew Research Center last year noted that despite those efforts, “many of the dynamics between couples haven’t changed much during this turbulent time.”
So now what?
If you’re a mother or the primary parent…
· I’m like a broken record on this topic, but moms must prioritize self-care -- full stop
o For starters, on your next walk (sans kids), listen to one of the free webinars on Gemmawomen.com on topics including “Mom Guilt: When Does it End” and “Setting Boundaries with Families”
· Practice saying “No” (it’s actually a full sentence); you simply cannot do everything -- and everything simply does not need to be done
· If parenting and other family responsibilities aren’t being fairly distributed between you and your partner, talk honestly with them about what you need
· Involve your partner and your children in the problem-solving and in the doing, even little kids can (and want to) contribute in the home
· Share your experience with other moms and enjoy the mutual benefits of support and empathy, as well as the reminder that you’re not alone
· Refuse to participate in or accept mom-shaming -- on the job, on social media or in conversation; there is no shame in not being able to meet wildly unrealistic expectations -- either your own or society’s
If you’re a dad or the non-primary parent…
· Transform your approach to Mother’s Day by frankly talking with your co-parent about the caregiving or housekeeping areas where she is feeling particularly stressed…and devise ways you can lighten her load in those arenas going forward
· Ask the mom in your life how she would like to spend Mother’s Day
· Acknowledge your partner’s Herculean efforts on behalf of the family during the pandemic…apologize if you’ve not done your share…and demonstrate what you plan to do differently
· This one is crucial: Initiate a discussion with your wife, partner or co-parent about the “mental load” they carry regarding both parenting and household upkeep. This includes the often-invisible load of anxiety, anticipating, planning and follow-up that moms typically shoulder. For example, some dads may be surprised to know that moms start researching summer camps right after they’ve cleaned up the New Year’s noisemakers. Make a plan to relieve your co-parent of some of this “worry work”
If you’re a friend or family member of a single parent…
· Check in with single moms regularly to offer emotional support -- and let them know they can call on you in an emergency or just to chat
· Offer to take the kids for an afternoon to give her a much needed break
· Call before you go to the grocery store to see what you can pick up for her; or consider giving a gift card for grocery delivery
· Gently encourage her to not neglect self-care, even if she only has a few minutes a day for it
These are just a few suggestions. I’m sure if you open up the conversation with the mother you co-parent with or other primary caregivers in your circle, you’ll no doubt hear additional suggestions for how you can make a positive impact on their workload and well-being.
In the meantime, I’m going to give #Mother’sDAYisnotenough a shot. It may not go viral on social or bring about the policy and institutional changes the world needs to make mothering more equitable and primary caregivers less stressed, but if it makes a difference in your home, I’m good.