Take a minute to take a few deep breaths.
If that short pause is all the time you have for self-care today, I get it. But I’ll bet you wish you had time for more.
It’s been an extraordinarily rough seven-plus months of the pandemic, punctuated by the supremely stressful back-to-school season. One mom, whose kids who are at school “in person,” told me feels that she’s a better parent now that her kids are gone during the day.
That’s telling. The majority of parents have been burning the candle from both ends. Unfortunately, that block of wax is down to the quick and you’re running on fumes, hoping you can “power through” yet another week of remote work, remote schooling and all the rest that’s on your plate.
This way of life is simply unsustainable. Especially since experts are telling us there’s no way to reliably predict an end date for when life will go back to “normal.” That’s why parents need to bolster our immune systems and strengthen our resilience in whatever ways we can -- every day if possible -- so that everyone in our families can emerge from this unique period with our health and our sense of purpose intact.
The key is parental self-care -- and I’ve long been a proponent of it. Years ago when I started this blog, it was with a two-parter on the topic. But those pre-pandemic days were easier for parents by comparison.
Please know this: I am not trying to add to your to-do list. Self-care during the pandemic is not about learning a new language or taking up the ukulele. It’s about ameliorating the universal problem of parental burnout given the burden parents are facing. Self-care will enable you to better manage all of the challenges you are facing. To that end, here are some suggestions for retooling your approach to self-care in several arenas.
Physical and Emotional Health. Tending to our physical and emotional well-being has never been more important. See if you can incorporate just one idea -- or an idea of your own -- this coming week.
Physical health
· Exercise as often as you can, outside when possible; if you’re super pressed for time, try breaking exercise into smaller, more doable chunks. When on non-video calls I am now standing rather than sitting.
· Adhere to regular bedtimes / wakeups for everyone. At the very least, have everyone in their bedrooms and winding down at set times
· Use these meal-prep time-savers to “make” time for exercising
o Plan a week’s worth of healthy meals each weekend so you’re only thinking about meal prep, including making grocery lists and shopping, once a week versus every day
o Make a double batch of a favorite recipe and do meal exchanges within your pod
o Use part of your unused entertainment budget to get as-healthful-as-possible carryout -- especially on the busiest days
o Give older kids responsibility for fixing meals either alone or with siblings at least one night/week; this both takes something off your plate and lets your kids learn a new skill
Emotional health
· Journaling, meditation, and yoga are all great tools for emotional health; if these aren’t for you, find other centering activities you like
· Leverage the availability and flexibility of online support groups
· Acknowledge and share how you’re feeling with an empathic friend; if you’re anxious or sad, say so; don’t be afraid to ask for what you need
· Arrange a tele-health appointment with a parenting coach or therapist if you feel the need; sometimes a check-in is all you need to feel OK about how you’re doing
Give your marriage / partnership the attention it needs. Given how much forced togetherness you and your partner have had lately, this may seem antithetical. But here’s why focusing on our partnerships is critical:
· Your kids are paying extremely close attention to how you’re treating one another and working together now that the stakes are raised
· As partners, we need more compassion from one another; use this opportunity for self-compassion and to express more compassion to your partner
· Amp up your communication about the additional demands on your lives and make sure the home / work / home-schooling duties (and stress) are shared
· Establish screen-free times for you and your partner when your relationship can take center stage
Fortify (or create) your pod. A pandemic is not the time to parent in isolation. If you feel extremely risk-averse about COVID-19 (and I can relate), create a pandemic pod with people who are taking the same COVID precautions you are.
· Given the duration of the pandemic, it’s vital for kids and adults alike to socialize within a safe circle of like-minded folks
· Consider using your trusted tribe to help manage distance learning: if you and your pod mates are dual-working parents, perhaps share the expense of hiring a teacher’s aid to help the kids in a blended classroom, or consider sharing among you the role of “teacher’s aid” so everyone can get a free morning or afternoon.
Pat yourself on the back! We’re nearly eight months into a global pandemic with a deadly and novel virus that scientists are still learning about -- not to mention all the political and cultural upheaval -- and you and your family have survived!
· Acknowledge and celebrate your resilience…and even the tiniest of victories
· Be especially mindful of your self-talk and dial down any self-criticism; keep your internal chatter positive and compassionate
· Don’t up the ante on expectations of yourself or your partner; everyone is doing their best to survive these trying times and may not always be playing their “A” game
Banish guilt and comparison parenting. Sadly, the pandemic offers multiple opportunities for parents to feel we’re falling short. But know this: every parent is struggling. There’s not a parent out there who feels comfortable with the vast array of decisions they’ve been forced to make during the pandemic, often with inadequate information to support them.
· The premise of my practice has always been to reassure clients that the right thing for their family is always what they think is the right decision; so figure out what’s right for you and do the best you can
· Continue to make decisions based on your parenting values.
· Let go of outcomes; if your decisions and actions were made in good faith, accept what comes, even (especially!) when things don’t turn out as you hoped
· Remind yourself regularly that our kids will come out of the pandemic intact as long as they know they are safe and loved and that we have their backs
· Refuse to parent-shame yourself or others
· Reduce your consumption of social media sites that paint a rosy picture of pandemic parenting -- especially now at the start of a new, largely at-home school year.
Find things to be grateful for. When your life feels turned completely upside down, finding things to be grateful for can seem futile. But the benefits of gratitude are plentiful and they’re backed by research. Given the impact of the pandemic, what have you got to lose by trying?