They’re BACK: How to Navigate Adult Children Returning Home

You’ve heard the adage that says if you hear something three times, it’s something you need to pay attention to, right? Given that, I’m hereby announcing that if you hear something five times, it officially makes it a “thing.”

The thing in question is the skyrocketing rate at which young adults return home to live with their parents, something at least five friends or clients have mentioned in just the last few weeks.

 But it’s not just happening to folks in my circle. Here’s the skinny:

 In the U.S., bastion of the rugged individualist, the Pew Research Center reports that living with parents is now “the most common arrangement for people ages 18-34.” Why? One explanation is that although the U.S. unemployment rate is 4.9 overall, unemployment is almost double that for young adults.

Even in Europe, where it’s long been traditional for children to live with their parents until they marry – at whatever age – it’s now reported that 60% of Italian and approximately 80% Spanish 18-29-year-olds still live with their parents!

 That makes it a safe bet that, at some point, one of your adult children will ask to move home.

Since “once a parent, always a parent,” you’re likely to pause and ask yourself, “Is this the right thing to do?”

 As with most tough parenting questions, my best and most honest response is, “It depends.”

 What it depends on is open, honest and ongoing communication about the reason for the move, as well as frank discussions about money, boundaries, responsibilities and respect. Let’s start with what I consider to be some good reasons to allow your adult child to move back home.

 Transition after College / Grad School  

·      Finding even a good-enough first job isn’t an overnight process

·      Some grads may have a job, yet want to be strategic about where they’re going to sign a lease

Unexpected Personal Crisis

·      An adult child ends up in a situation with an unstable or unsafe roommate

·      Your adult child and his/her live-in partner broke up unexpectedly and he/she needs to move out immediately

·      Your adult child is diagnosed with a physical illness or depression

 Economic Situations

·      Unexpected or unplanned job loss

·      Living costs that exceed income

·      Adult kids with families who need temporary support due to economic hardship

·      Desire to save for a strategic expense, such as a wedding or down payment on a house 

Elderly Parents

·      Sometimes, the situation is a win-win, as when an adult child needs a place to live and an aging or ill parent needs some in-home support or care

 If you’ve decided it’s okay for your adult child to move back home, you need to establish – and agree to – ground rules before the move. Here are some good questions to consider when establishing the rules.

 To Pay or Not to Pay

These are basically need-and-capacity questions:

·      Is there enough room in your home to accommodate your adult child and, perhaps, his or her family?

·      Do you need your adult child to contribute to household expenses?

*  If Yes, does your adult child have the financial resources to contribute? Is it enough?

*  If No, are there non-monetary ways he or she can contribute?

·      Do they need use of a family car and, if so, can they pay for their own gas and insurance?

 Boundaries

Making sure everyone understands where the limits are reduces confusion and makes expectations crystal clear. Here are questions to guide your rule-making:

·      Defined length of stay

*  Is the “ask” for a month…six months…one year? 

·      Consider curfews

*  If we’re talking about your gap-year kid who is spending the year at home, will you impose one?

*  With your older adult children, will you not?

·      Friends’ rules

*  Are girlfriends / boyfriends allowed to stay overnight?

*  How about close friends?

*  What about people you don’t know?

·      Chores

*  Beyond being responsible for their own room and bathroom, laundry and dishes (please do not clean up after your adult child), do you expect help with general housecleaning, shopping, yard work and other routine household tasks?

Personal vs Parental Responsibilities

·      Does everyone understand that...”

*  You are not responsible for ensuring your adult kids get enough sleep, eat well and wake up on time for work and other responsibilities?

*  You have the right to set the household rules your adult children must abide by if they move back in?

*  You don’t have the right to oversee (or weigh in on!) every aspect of your adult child’s life or decisions… unless specifically asked for input?

 Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

·      Agree to talk - on a regular timetable - about what’s working and what’s not

*   Every two weeks, especially in the beginning, is probably about right

·      Agree to address unforeseen problems as they arise

*   Talk about uncomfortable issues immediately; don’t wait for a scheduled check-in

*   Don’t keep a tally of infractions; address the issues and then let them go

*   Don’t presume your adult children will know what you’re thinking or what you want

 Just to cover all the bases, I’m going to weigh in briefly on situations where it’s NOT a good idea for your adult child to move back home: 

·      If they’ve demonstrated that they can’t follow your house rules / expectations

*   Unlike the stock market, past performance is a good indication of future success

·      If allowing them to move home means you’ll be crossing the line between support… and enabling

*   Substance abuse issues

*   Irresponsibility about money

 Here’s the good news about kids who return to the nest as adults. If you raised them from 0-18 to be independent, capable and self-reliant members of society, you can be pretty sure that’s who is moving back home. Continued discussions with them about how to approach the everyday problems of adult life is a powerful opportunity for them… one that can bear fruit for them with their future partners, colleagues, and friends. So put out the welcome mat!

How To Create A Summer Worth Savoring

IT’S SUMMERTIME!!!!

If you’re a working (or even non-working) parent of school-age kids, the youngsters are registered and ready to enjoy the combination of sleepover-sports-arts-theatre-park-district-specialty-religious-and-other camps you’ve engineered to provide them with a structured, safe and stimulating place for the summer.

That means it’s time to start creating a magical summer the entire family can savor…long after the setting of the late-August sun.

What’s so magical about summer?

Time. That’s what.

Imagine this: You and the kids are done with your daytime responsibilities or activities. What’s on the docket?

· A full 3 hours of daylight to spend as you please

What don’t you have?

· Reams of homework to oversee

· Unexpected runs to the office-supply store for due-tomorrow school projects

· Last-minute class snacks to bake or buy

· School clothes to prepare

· Recitals, school plays, and teacher conferences to attend

I’ll admit that even in summer, there will be weeknights with an activity you or your kids must attend. And trust me… I know all about summer sports leagues! But for most parents on most weekdays – and especially on weekends – summer delivers two priceless commodities that are in exceedingly short supply during the school year: Freedom and Flexibility.

That’s why I wholeheartedly advocate intentionally creating a summer that gives you and your kids time to reconnect… reenergize… and re-whatever your particular family wants and needs.

Enjoy the benefits of free and unstructured time for you and your kids

While modern parents must cover work hours with activities (or childcare) for their kids, there is tons of evidence touting the multiple benefits of languid, self-directed, even day-dreamed-filled free play. Even the American Academy of Pediatrics – a decidedly pro-kid organization – maintains that free play is critical for healthy child development.

Then there’s the fact that summertime free play is simply a delightful way for families to spend precious time together.

Indulge me this short trip down memory lane. When my kids were small, I’d pack or pick up sandwiches after work and camp were done, and we’d saunter to the park and have a picnic dinner and play. Weekends, they’d have a ball collecting stones at the beach then return home to paint them, sans “kit.” Some nights we’d read their bedtime stories – outside! Yes, I was one of those parents who, when the school year loomed, grieved in advance the lack of unstructured time with and for my kids.

Summer is also a time to indulge your own passions and interests and ask your kids to give them a whirl. We all know how important physical activity is for kids, right? Luckily, there are many fun family runs and walks to participate in, many raising money for good causes.

But let’s say you’re not the athletic type. Don’t force yourself to participate in a family 5K – that won’t be fun for anyone. Do you like yoga? Are you an art lover? An avid bird-watcher? Invite your kids to join you. You may not a devotee make, but exposing them to a variety of activities can only expand their worldview.

What role can your kids play in making the most of summertime?

A quick Internet search turns up countless lists of fun things to do with kids during the summer, so I won’t duplicate that info here.

For a fresh take on summer fun, why not put your kids tech-savvy to work and have them do the research and planning? Give them a budget and a time allotment and challenge them come up with a personal Top Ten list of things to do relatively close to home. They can even research bus/train schedules, available parking and event select some places to eat or picnic nearby.

The outcomes are numerous:

· You have their complete buy-in and enthusiasm for those activities

· You’ve enhanced their self-directed executive functioning skills (a “powerful predictor of academic performance and other positive life outcomes”)

· You’ve off-loaded a significant to-do

· Everyone enjoys superb family outings

Summertime is a gift – one you give your family. Enjoy it!

How to Support – and Set Limits - for Toddlers, Tweens and Teens Post-Divorce

In a previous post I outlined the top four reasons co-parents need to be extra vigilant post-divorce. To recap… co-parents ought to do whatever it takes to make the period immediately post-divorce as secure and protective an experience for our children as we can.

BUT.

As vulnerable, anxious and upended as your children’s lives may be, divorce isn’t an excuse for bad behavior.

I can practically hear you thinking, “Really?”

Really.

Many newly divorced feel guilty that the marriage didn’t work – and even guiltier that kids have to pay part of the price. But tough times…even as tough as divorce…don’t give your kids the right to process their feelings and emotions in ways that are disrespectful to you or their siblings, break house rules, or, well, break anything.

Here’s a news flash: Your divorce won’t be the last emotionally negative experience your kid has to endure. Bad things happen in life all the time. As parents, our job is to help our children develop tools that allow them to navigate difficult times. In fact, research shows that not only do most children of divorce have healthy adulthoods, it’s how you parent post-divorce that makes the biggest difference in how your children recover…not the divorce itself.

In this post, I wanted to outline the key behaviors your Toddlers, Tweens and Teens may exhibit post-divorce, as well as several ways to support them and, ultimately, your family, through the process. 

Toddlers.

The most resilient of the three age groups, toddlers can easily adapt to the new normal because they don’t have mindful reference points for pre- and post-divorce. What they may notice is that Daddy or Mommy isn’t around as much, and they may experience separation anxiety regarding the more-absent parent.

There are two basic signposts your toddler is feeling stressed: Shifts in sleeping and eating patterns, which you can address in your customary ways, and tantrums. Given their undeveloped prefrontal cortex, anxious or stressed toddlers often simply lose it.

What to do?  Offer your teed-off tots their “angry bear” or “angry pillow” so they have a tangible object to be mad at. And make it clear that hitting one’s brother or biting sister isn’t an option.  Be especially mindful that transitions can be challenging for toddlers, so consider that when planning the custody schedule.

Tweens. 

School-aged children tend to be the ones who are the most surprised, scared, and worried when you tell them you’re divorcing. They don’t know what to expect, and even if they did, they have little agency to affect it.

Tweens are also more likely to be highly vigilant about your feelings – and act accordingly. If they feel Mom is vulnerable, they won’t say they’re scared for fear it could make her more upset. Walking on eggshells becomes their go-to method for navigating what feels like shaky territory. You may also notice them isolating from both family and friends, as well as some changes in their sleep, eating, and energy habits.

What to do?  Validate their feelings. Give voice to their concerns. Make sure they know you’re aware they’re having a difficult time. Invite them to share their feelings. Encourage them to visit friends and engage in favored activities.

It’s important to keep the conversation going, because you never know what you’ll learn. For example, when I divorced 8 years ago, talking to my school-aged kids revealed they were particularly worried about their Dad, who had moved out of our family home. I reassured them it wasn’t a betrayal of me to check on their father.

Cautionary note: Don’t let your issues be their concern. Take the opportunity to share your emotional experience with measured, age-appropriate honesty. It’s possible to tell your kids you’re sad without revealing the level of devastation you may be feeling. For example, I remember those first few weekends they were gone I missed them terribly, but I didn’t tell them that.  I dealt with it with my friends and my therapist– and then happily listened to them recount their exploits when they came home Sunday evening.

Teens.

Your high-schoolers will likely be the least surprised of all. In fact, your announcement may just validate their felt-sense that all was not well with your marriage. But often their “aha” moment is accompanied by anger at feeling deceived.

More emotional outbursts and rebelliousness than “normal” – as well as a dip in academic performance - are telltale signs your teen is feeling the stress of the family rupture. And don’t be surprised if your friends-focused teen becomes even more so. They may even find a special comfort in their BFs – and their BFs’ homes.

What to do?  It’s crucial teens know that you and your co-parent are there for them. Assure them they can speak their mind, as well as have a little distance from you if needed, as long as they do so in respectful and agreed-upon ways. All kids, but especially teens, need to know they have a right to feel badly, but not to act badly. If they weren’t allowed to swear at you before your divorce (and let’s hope not!), they don’t get a pass to do so now.

BTW, post-divorce is a time when all kids should have the opportunity to talk to a therapist if they need to – or if you think they need to. In the latter case, even just a few sessions offer a safe and private place for kids to share their truth with an objective adult.

My kid seems to be doing fine. Should I be looking for signs of trouble?

Each child comes to terms with divorce differently. Some will be immediately sad, while others may need more time to process the information. Denial, sometimes coupled by the fantasy that Mom and Dad will reunite, is also a perfectly normal response.

Another cautionary note: A muted initial response doesn’t mean that things will stay calm or good. There are a lot of transitional moments post-divorce, and feelings and reactions can be delayed.

Naturally, no one would advocate divorce as a life-skills “teaching moment.” But in my personal experience and with my coaching clients, when co-parents stay alert, present and in good communication with their kids and one another, divorce can be a situation from which the entire family recovers.

SELF-CARE TIPS FOR PARENTS – Part 2

Before we get to Part II of this post, here’s a quick recap of Part 1:

TIP #1 - Get Out Of Your Head.

·      Your body needs just as much TLC as your kids’ bodies do

o   Make exercise, healthy eating, and sleep a priority!

TIP #2 - Back to Your Head (and Heart)

·      There’s no such thing as one-size-fits-all self-care

o   Figure out what you need, then collaborate with your co-parent about how you can each get your needs met

TIP #3 - Stand by your Man (or Woman) (or Partner)

·      Date night is a must-do (‘nuff said)

TIP #4 – Find Your Tribe.

·      Build community with other parents via schools; religious organizations; park and recreation classes; babysitting, meal-sharing and housecleaning cooperatives; etc.

Read on for my last 4 self-care tips for parents:

TIP #5 - Pat Yourself on the Back.

One of my most important roles as a parenting coach is to give my clients positive feedback. Why? Because like most parents, when one problem is solved or developmental stage mastered, they worry about what’s coming next.

Make a pact to acknowledge what you, your co-parent, and your parent-friends are doing right! For every struggle you share, share a positive parenting moment, too.

Just as important, be mindful of your self-talk. What we say to ourselves can be powerful indeed, so make sure your internal chatter is positive and compassionate.

TIP # 6 - Banish Guilt

If I had a magic wand, guilt is the one thing I would get rid of wholesale.

Especially the guilt that says “good” parents protect their kids from disappointment and pain.

You may think you’re caring for your children by shielding them from painful experiences, but in fact, you’re handicapping them. Infants need to learn how to self-soothe. Little ones need to be able play by and amuse themselves. School-aged kids must struggle over difficult homework assignments. And teens need to know their actions have consequences. Children can’t master these important developmental milestones if mom and/or dad are always front and center.

You may also feel guilty about visiting your own unresolved family issues on your kids. Every parent experiences transference. Often you can deal with it on your own. If not, get the professional support you need.

TIP # 7 - Refuse to Compare.

Smart phone in hand, you are bombarded with images of family perfection. There’s that chill yoga mom on Instagram, knitting a baby sweater with hand-pulled yarn from her pack of llamas. Your friend’s Facebook post of their “perfect” family vacation. And the parade of stars promoting parenting tips online.

Hold the phone! Posts on social media… ads promoting must-have products essential for happy kids… and the latest celebrity blogs simply reflect a moment in (often air-brushed) time.

Decide what parenting needs to look like to you; establish what is meaningful and relevant to you. Then remind yourself what that looks like the next time you’re tempted to compare your parenting to anybody else’s.

One final word on self-care tips for parents (well, three words, actually):

TIP #8 -  Just. Do. It.

You – and your kids – will be glad you did.

Would you like to ask me a parenting question?

SELF-CARE TIPS FOR PARENTS - Part 1

I’m Parenting Coach Dana Hirt. I’ve always been the go-to mom – the one everyone called when they had a parenting question or concern. I’ve coupled my practical expertise with my professional background and am now coaching parents in private practice – and sharing helpful information with all parents through my blog.

At any time, feel free to ask a parenting question you’re concerned about!

EIGHT SELF-CARE TIPS FOR PARENTS – Part 1

As a parenting coach, I get some version of the following question a lot:

As a working mother of three, “mommy care” is usually the last thing on my to-do list. More often than not, I don’t get to it!  What are some self-care tips for busy moms?  

Here’s what I tell every mom and dad who ask me how to cope with the stress and strain of parenting: “You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.”

OK… I’m the first to admit that for the short-term, it feels doable. And in a crisis, you do what you have to do. But for the long term? Denying your physical, mental and emotional needs is simply unsustainable. And contrary to what you may think, ignoring your own needs to cater to your children isn’t good for their development, either.

More than just about anything else, children need consistency. You can’t say one thing (“No devices at the dinner table”) and do another (plop their dinner in front of the TV). But when you’re exhausted and spent, you’re much more likely to do whatever is easiest, right? To avoid getting in that spot as much as possible (we all get there sometimes!), here are some self-care tips for parents that can help you meet your good-parenting goals.

TIP #1 - Get Out Of Your Head.

Look down. See that?  It’s your body – and it needs some serious attention.

·      Schedule exercise into your week. If you can, engage a buddy to exercise with – and to hold you accountable. Many of my coaching clients tell me that exercise is the first thing they cross off the list if something has to go. Don’t. Exercise pays dividends in spades. BONUS: Most gyms have built-in childcare services.

·      Your kids aren’t the only ones who need to eat a healthy diet. Creating a beautiful organic meal for your children… then eating the scraps off their plates and calling it “lunch” is not self-care. It’s composting! Model healthy eating as best you can – it’s good for the whole family.

·      Sleep. Granted, it’s one of the rarest commodities at your disposal, but do what you can to maximize the time you spend horizontal.

TIP #2 - Back to Your Head (and Heart)

There’s no such thing as one-size-fits-all self-care. My clients use all sorts of tools, including journaling; meditation; joining a mom’s or self-help group; getting counseling when needed; and/or engaging a parenting coach.

When it comes to self-care for parents, identifying and advocating for your needs is Job #1. That’s where open and supportive communication with your co-parent is key. Help one another identify self-care priorities – and collaborate on how to fit them into busy lives. One working mom I know maintains that having a clear division of labor at home around domestic and childcare duties is essential. When it’s her husband’s turn to supervise bath time, she knows she can count on 20 glorious minutes to play online scrabble or catch up with a friend on the phone. And vice versa.

By making time to care for yourself, you actually may uncover issues you didn’t realize you were avoiding. Take me, for instance. I was very intuitive as a parent, and quite confident I was doing the right thing by my three children. But after a good deal of reflection, I realized I was sublimating the need to end my difficult marriage by throwing myself into being an über-mom. Today, my ex-husband and I are great co-parents – and our children are capable, independent and resilient young people.  

TIP #3 - Stand by your Man (or Woman) (or Partner).

Here’s some advice for you married or partnered folks: You were a couple before you had kids. If all goes according to plan, you’ll be a couple when they’re gone.

            In between those goalposts, tending to your partner is just as important as caring for your kids. Some therapists say it’s even more important. So make time to be alone sans brood. However you define them, “date nights” are vital.

            In fact, your children need to see the primacy of your relationship with your spouse or partner. Kids pay very close attention to what we do – and they learn a lot by what we model. Show them what a healthy partnership looks like by making time for each other.

If you’re still not convinced, try this: Picture your child all grown up with a spouse or partner of his or her own. Imagine what you would want for their relationship. Do you deserve anything less?

TIP #4 - Find Your Tribe.

I know many women who believe they’re more effective parents because they have a career. Some dads prefer being the primary caregiver. Tons of single and/or divorced co-parents have extremely fulfilling lives. But no matter your status, every parent needs support.

Building community allows you to connect with an array of human and other resources. Day care, school, kid-sports leagues, and religious and communication organizations offer a natural opportunity to network with other parents.

Remember, carpooling isn’t the only sharing opportunity. Get your family active in your local community garden. Create a cooking co-op with like-palated parents and swap up to a week’s worth of meals. Participate in a trade-based babysitting or housecleaning coop.

Stayed tuned!  More “Self-Care Tips for Parents” coming to you soon! In the meantime, feel free to ask a parenting question.