How Self-Compassion Can Ease the Burdens of Parenting

When I began blogging, one of very first topics I wrote about was self-care for parents. That’s how important I thought it was.

I believe self-care is even more important today, and over the years it has become prominent in my work with parents. In fact, it’s become a central tenet of my coaching practice. As I often tell my clients, “You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.” Not only will parents who ignore their own needs pay the price physically, mentally and emotionally -- it’s not good modeling for your kids, either.

I define parental self-care as any activity that takes the focus off your children’s needs and puts it squarely on your own. Most of you are familiar with the basic repertoire of self-care habits: healthy eating, exercise, good sleep, journaling, date night, time with friends, therapy, hobbies and meditation, to name a few.

Yet there’s another element of self-care I’ve become convinced is most essential, and that’s self-compassion. Easily overlooked, self-compassion is an exceptionally simple and profound way to reframe your parenting struggles and, perhaps, your very humanity.

It’s not that parents lack compassion - not by a long shot. Since the early days of the pandemic, I’ve heard parents express and demonstrate an abundance of compassion for their children, particularly for the losses, big and small, they’ve had to endure.

Yet I’ve not heard parents express a comparable amount of compassion for themselves about their unavoidable parenting missteps in a world turned upside down by a global pandemic. Just the opposite, in fact. There’s far too much “comparison parenting” going on, as well as over-worry about our choices and what others might think about them. Too often I hear parents being uber-critical of themselves (“I’m a terrible mom!” or “I should never have done / said that to my child.”).

In situations like these, it’s important to remember it’s not the parenting mistakes you make -- it’s how you repair them. When you apologize to your child after a blowup, you’re actually letting them see you as an imperfect human willing to be vulnerable, which gives them a shot at seeing themselves that way, too. Besides, when we beat ourselves up for parenting mistakes, we simply compound the original problem. Best to put our energy into what we can learn about our kids and ourselves.

One definition of self-compassion that’s popular is “learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and consideration that you would a good friend.” For parents, though, I think a more potent definition is to treat yourself with the same kindness and consideration that you would your child. Imagine how it might feel if you started talking to yourself with that same soft-spoken understanding, care, acceptance and love. That’s self-compassion.

According to self-compassion’s foremost researcher, Kristin Neff, PhD, Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion involves three main components: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness.

From a parenting perspective, here’s what that looks like:

Self-kindness. This is simply being as kind to ourselves about our parenting mishaps as we are to the friends who call us looking for support about theirs. Self-kindness is taking a soft view of our efforts, knowing that being a loving, supportive presence for our kids (and ourselves) is what matters most of all. It’s accepting that there is no way to be a perfect parent; some days, being a “good enough” parent is good enough.

Common humanity. There’s genuine relief in knowing that being a parent is difficult for everyone -- even parenting coaches! Every parent makes mistakes or feels they mishandled an important event in a kid’s life. Embracing those difficulties and our inadequacies, rather than avoiding them, is essential to rebuilding our resilience and restoring our hope. Recognizing our common humanity helps us turn “The way I handled that proves I’m the worst parent ever” into “Next time that situation arise, instead of doing X, I’ll try Y.”

Mindfulness. When we’re mindful, we make a decided effort to catch ourselves in negative self-talk about our parenting, and then consciously bring our attention back to our breath so we can think and act more in alignment with our parenting values. Plus, mindfulness offers a chance to gain perspective about what we can control -- and what we need to let go of.

Self-compassion isn’t usually a struggling parent’s go-to, but it’s an essential skill we can learn if we practice it. The best part about it is that we’ll always have a wise and empathetic friend at the ready and at our side -- ourselves!

I like to think of self-compassion as a deep breath for the soul. My advice? Take them as often as you can.

#Mother's DAY is Not Enough

“....And Moms are still not OK.”

That’s the line that got me. It appeared in an article about moms and the pandemic that hit my in-box late March.

Fourteen months in, and I’m still hearing from clients and friends that moms bear the brunt of the increased work- and stress-loads brought about by the pandemic. And that’s not even accounting for the lost wages and forfeited gains in the labor force that mothers, especially those of color, have endured due to both the lack of childcare and the persistence of remote K-12 learning. Not to mention centuries of the unpaid, undervalued and unacknowledged labor of women.

For Mother’s ‘Day’ 2021, I say we aim much, much higher when it comes to supporting mothers…because one day out of 365 is not enough respite for anyone.

In fact, let’s tag it: #MothersDAYisnotenough.

I know this defies Rule #1 of successful hashtag creation (“don’tputamillionwordsinonehashtag”), but if ever there was a time for rule-breaking, it’s now…when women are collapsing from the strain of all that’s been put on and taken from them during this past year. 

Moms -- working, single and stay-at-home alike -- have shouldered the primary responsibility for the roles of teacher/tutor, chef, housekeeper, babysitter, therapist and coach imposed by the pandemic. Of course, that’s in addition to any paying work they may have.

This isn’t just anecdotal. Study after study after study provide evidence of the pandemic’s disproportionate impact on mothers’ workload and well-being.

I’m not saying there aren’t some dads and partners out there who hold up 50% of the parenting, caregiving and household burden; nor am I denying that some fathers have stepped up to take on more of the responsibilities of family life during COVID. And there are increasing numbers of fathers who are the primary parent, caregiver and home-keeper. But a study from the Pew Research Center last year noted that despite those efforts, “many of the dynamics between couples haven’t changed much during this turbulent time.”

So now what?

If you’re a mother or the primary parent…

·       I’m like a broken record on this topic, but moms must prioritize self-care -- full stop

o   For starters, on your next walk (sans kids), listen to one of the free webinars on Gemmawomen.com on topics including “Mom Guilt: When Does it End” and “Setting Boundaries with Families”

·       Practice saying “No” (it’s actually a full sentence); you simply cannot do everything -- and everything simply does not need to be done

·       If parenting and other family responsibilities aren’t being fairly distributed between you and your partner, talk honestly with them about what you need

·       Involve your partner and your children in the problem-solving and in the doing, even little kids can (and want to) contribute in the home

·       Share your experience with other moms and enjoy the mutual benefits of support and empathy, as well as the reminder that you’re not alone

·       Refuse to participate in or accept mom-shaming -- on the job, on social media or in conversation; there is no shame in not being able to meet wildly unrealistic expectations -- either your own or society’s

If you’re a dad or the non-primary parent…

·       Transform your approach to Mother’s Day by frankly talking with your co-parent about the caregiving or housekeeping areas where she is feeling particularly stressed…and devise ways you can lighten her load in those arenas going forward

·       Ask the mom in your life how she would like to spend Mother’s Day

·       Acknowledge your partner’s Herculean efforts on behalf of the family during the pandemic…apologize if you’ve not done your share…and demonstrate what you plan to do differently

·       This one is crucial: Initiate a discussion with your wife, partner or co-parent about the “mental load” they carry regarding both parenting and household upkeep. This includes the often-invisible load of anxiety, anticipating, planning and follow-up that moms typically shoulder. For example, some dads may be surprised to know that moms start researching summer camps right after they’ve cleaned up the New Year’s noisemakers. Make a plan to relieve your co-parent of some of this “worry work”

If you’re a friend or family member of a single parent…

·       Check in with single moms regularly to offer emotional support -- and let them know they can call on you in an emergency or just to chat

·       Offer to take the kids for an afternoon to give her a much needed break

·       Call before you go to the grocery store to see what you can pick up for her; or consider giving a gift card for grocery delivery

·       Gently encourage her to not neglect self-care, even if she only has a few minutes a day for it

These are just a few suggestions.  I’m sure if you open up the conversation with the mother you co-parent with or other primary caregivers in your circle, you’ll no doubt hear additional suggestions for how you can make a positive impact on their workload and well-being.

In the meantime, I’m going to give #Mother’sDAYisnotenough a shot. It may not go viral on social or bring about the policy and institutional changes the world needs to make mothering more equitable and primary caregivers less stressed, but if it makes a difference in your home, I’m good.

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

As I developed my coaching practice, the approach that worked best for most clients was interventive. Parents came to me with a specific concern, and I advised them on ways they might respond that were in keeping with their stated parenting values. The majority of the problems presented were issues I had dealt with many times over -- either in my own parenting or as an educational therapist and consultant. In that sense, I coached from a 10,000-foot view.

Then in March, “go-to-mom-and-parenting coach” met “global pandemic.” Parents, myself included, were in uncharted waters and the waves were sky high. The need for safe harbor grew, and I responded 

Yet as the weeks of the pandemic dragged on with no end in sight -- and equally seismic racial and political issues rocked the U.S. -- I received a lot of call, from clients, colleagues and friends.

I picked up the phone whenever it buzzed. Every parent I knew was shell-shocked, adjusting work and childcare roles to survive in a locked-down world, and scrambling for answers and support. Contrary to the advice I gave my clients, I began to slowly abandon self-care. Forget filling the gas tank; even the fumes ran out. Eventually it was unsustainable -- and I needed to address it.

As the first year of the pandemic drew to a close, I reflected on what I’ve learned (in most cases, re-learned!). I’m sharing the most salient takeaways in my first post of the new year. My guess is I’m not the only parent in need a refresher as we continue to face down the pandemic in 2021. 

No one is immune to parenting problems -- not even parenting coaches.

When the pandemic hit, I was thrust into a world exactly like the ones my clients faced. I, too, had to create a family plan to address the risks of the coronavirus, which was rumored to be both highly contagious and deadly. My personal situation was eerily similar to clients with college-aged kids who had to decide if it were safe to send them back to school come Fall. My middle daughter, a newly minted grad and I had to negotiate what the coronavirus rules would be when she moved home to take a job nearby. And like another subset of parents, it was up to me to figure out how to support elderly and/or out-of-state family members with ongoing health issues, when contact with and travel to them were deemed unsafe.

I was humbled. All parents, myself included, were struggling with not having answers to the tidal wave of questions we had. We were all forced to make decisions in the face of a tsunami of information that was changing by the day. Nothing was predictable, and no amount of research made it less so.

The situation was antithetical to how I had always made parenting decisions and practiced my work. Down I came from that 10,000-foot perch. I was 100% “in it” with every parent with whom I worked.

Being so humbled -- and feeling afresh the vulnerability of parenting -- was a gift. For me, the visceral identification with my clients’ states-of-mind was a type of grace that rallied my best self as I tuned in to them in my practice. For clients, seeing me wrestle with the same decisions they were facing, humanized me. They were comforted when I reiterated again and again that we were all doing the best we could in the moment. Off I came from any perceived pedestal I might have been on. And in the process we all served our children, who were witnessing first-hand just how much of life is impossible to know, predict or plan for.

Even if you’re isolating…don’t isolate!

I had a high rate of anxiety about catching COVID-19 (still do). From the start I planned to isolate, even if it flew in the face of how others were comporting themselves. It was the right decision for me, but it had consequences.

First, it meant I would no longer rely on outside help as I had pre-pandemic. Overnight, my at-home workload increased substantially.

Isolation also took away the myriad social and personal interactions I was accustomed to and enriched by in daily life. By relying on contact-less delivery, I effectively eliminated visits with the many people who lived and worked in my neighborhood. Business meetings, with their introductory chit-chat and welcoming hugs, were replaced by Zoom calls where people preferred to simply get down to business. I didn’t see my partner for months, because he was in contact with his 90-year-old father who was at high risk so we created separate pods.

Historically I’d been no ace at articulating or getting my needs met, but in the face of COVID-19, I contracted further. I reached out less. Didn’t make calls. An invitation from a friend to go for a walk -- even masked and socially distanced -- was inconceivable. I simply said No.

Eventually, my loneliness forced me to reckon with the difference between isolating from the virus and isolating from people. I gathered people I could rely on into a virtual cohort. I ratcheted up my communication with a group of high school best friends -- long on a group text chain-- because they felt like family and I found the increased contact comforting.

These days, when I get an invitation I’m not comfortable with, I know to say “I would like time with you…I just don’t know how to do it safely. Can we figure that out together?”

Self-care reduces stress -- and it’s time-expanding to boot!

I once gave a talk about dealing with stress to a professional women’s group. Back then I handled most everything with the confidence that I would successfully navigate life’s inevitable pitfalls -- or pivot when the need arose.

Then came COVID.

Because it descended like a shroud on top of the tensions of modern family life, pandemic stress felt aggressive, wanton and out of control. Every parent I knew had to completely overhaul family life in an atmosphere of utter fear.

As a coach, I effectively help clients deal with their stress, but I was trying to manage my own solo. Since I was busier, I cut back on exercise. Because of that, I was not sleeping well. Before long, the self-care items on my calendar began to feel more like onerous to-dos rather than the affirming, time-expanding practices I knew them to be.

The addition of two major life changes -- returning to school for another credential and selling the home where I raised my children -- complicated matters exponentially. Because they were time-sensitive, I had to take them both on. Even in normal times they would have added stress to my life. But dealing with them during COVID forced my hand.

My body and my emotions let me know things were out of sync and I resolved to act. I checked in with a therapist to get grounded. I started attending a bi-weekly Zoom meditation group with some women friends. I upped my physical activity. I started keeping a gratitude journal. I signed up for a Whole30 group to start the new year focused on healthy eating with a supportive cohort.

Life is a mystery.

I never imagined a global public health capacity of this nature could happen in my lifetime. Or even in my children’s lifetime. Yet its existence, while exceedingly frightful and difficult at times, has also underscored the immense role families play in society, as well as the resilience which we are all capable of - parents and children alike. The challenges we have all faced, and continue to face, will shape and define us. I for one, want to learn from this experience and emerge a better version of myself. I also want to afford myself the grace and compassion I so readily offer others as I navigate these uncharted waters.

Why Pandemic Self-Care for Parents is Paramount

Take a minute to take a few deep breaths.

If that short pause is all the time you have for self-care today, I get it. But I’ll bet you wish you had time for more.

It’s been an extraordinarily rough seven-plus months of the pandemic, punctuated by the supremely stressful back-to-school season. One mom, whose kids who are at school “in person,” told me feels that she’s a better parent now that her kids are gone during the day.

That’s telling. The majority of parents have been burning the candle from both ends. Unfortunately, that block of wax is down to the quick and you’re running on fumes, hoping you can “power through” yet another week of remote work, remote schooling and all the rest that’s on your plate.

This way of life is simply unsustainable. Especially since experts are telling us there’s no way to reliably predict an end date for when life will go back to “normal.” That’s why parents need to bolster our immune systems and strengthen our resilience in whatever ways we can -- every day if possible -- so that everyone in our families can emerge from this unique period with our health and our sense of purpose intact.

The key is parental self-care -- and I’ve long been a proponent of it. Years ago when I started this blog, it was with a two-parter on the topic. But those pre-pandemic days were easier for parents by comparison.

Please know this: I am not trying to add to your to-do list. Self-care during the pandemic is not about learning a new language or taking up the ukulele. It’s about ameliorating the universal problem of parental burnout given the burden parents are facing.  Self-care will enable you to better manage all of the challenges you are facing. To that end, here are some suggestions for retooling your approach to self-care in several arenas.

Physical and Emotional Health.  Tending to our physical and emotional well-being has never been more important. See if you can incorporate just one idea -- or an idea of your own -- this coming week.

Physical health

·      Exercise as often as you can, outside when possible; if you’re super pressed for time, try breaking exercise into smaller, more doable chunks. When on non-video calls I am now standing rather than sitting.

·      Adhere to regular bedtimes / wakeups for everyone. At the very least, have everyone in their bedrooms and winding down at set times

·      Use these meal-prep time-savers to “make” time for exercising

o   Plan a week’s worth of healthy meals each weekend so you’re only thinking about meal prep, including making grocery lists and shopping, once a week versus every day

o   Make a double batch of a favorite recipe and do meal exchanges within your pod

o   Use part of your unused entertainment budget to get as-healthful-as-possible carryout -- especially on the busiest days

o   Give older kids responsibility for fixing meals either alone or with siblings at least one night/week; this both takes something off your plate and lets your kids learn a new skill

Emotional health

·      Journaling, meditation, and yoga are all great tools for emotional health; if these aren’t for you, find other centering activities you like

·      Leverage the availability and flexibility of online support groups

·      Acknowledge and share how you’re feeling with an empathic friend; if you’re anxious or sad, say so; don’t be afraid to ask for what you need

·      Arrange a tele-health appointment with a parenting coach or therapist if you feel the need; sometimes a check-in is all you need to feel OK about how you’re doing

Give your marriage / partnership the attention it needs.  Given how much forced togetherness you and your partner have had lately, this may seem antithetical. But here’s why focusing on our partnerships is critical:

·      Your kids are paying extremely close attention to how you’re treating one another and working together now that the stakes are raised 

·      As partners, we need more compassion from one another; use this opportunity for self-compassion and to express more compassion to your partner

·      Amp up your communication about the additional demands on your lives and make sure the home / work / home-schooling duties (and stress) are shared

·      Establish screen-free times for you and your partner when your relationship can take center stage

Fortify (or create) your pod. A pandemic is not the time to parent in isolation. If you feel extremely risk-averse about COVID-19 (and I can relate), create a pandemic pod with people who are taking the same COVID precautions you are.

·      Given the duration of the pandemic, it’s vital for kids and adults alike to socialize within a safe circle of like-minded folks

·      Consider using your trusted tribe to help manage distance learning: if you and your pod mates are dual-working parents, perhaps share the expense of hiring a teacher’s aid to help the kids in a blended classroom, or consider sharing among you the role of “teacher’s aid” so everyone can get a free morning or afternoon.

Pat yourself on the back!  We’re nearly eight months into a global pandemic with a deadly and novel virus that scientists are still learning about -- not to mention all the political and cultural upheaval -- and you and your family have survived!

·      Acknowledge and celebrate your resilience…and even the tiniest of victories

·      Be especially mindful of your self-talk and dial down any self-criticism; keep your internal chatter positive and compassionate

·      Don’t up the ante on expectations of yourself or your partner; everyone is doing their best to survive these trying times and may not always be playing their “A” game

Banish guilt and comparison parenting.  Sadly, the pandemic offers multiple opportunities for parents to feel we’re falling short. But know this: every parent is struggling. There’s not a parent out there who feels comfortable with the vast array of decisions they’ve been forced to make during the pandemic, often with inadequate information to support them.

·      The premise of my practice has always been to reassure clients that the right thing for their family is always what they think is the right decision; so figure out what’s right for you and do the best you can

·      Continue to make decisions based on your parenting values.

·      Let go of outcomes; if your decisions and actions were made in good faith, accept what comes, even (especially!) when things don’t turn out as you hoped

·      Remind yourself regularly that our kids will come out of the pandemic intact as long as they know they are safe and loved and that we have their backs

·      Refuse to parent-shame yourself or others

·      Reduce your consumption of social media sites that paint a rosy picture of pandemic parenting -- especially now at the start of a new, largely at-home school year.

Find things to be grateful for.  When your life feels turned completely upside down, finding things to be grateful for can seem futile. But the benefits of gratitude are plentiful and they’re backed by research. Given the impact of the pandemic, what have you got to lose by trying?

Pandemic Parenting - A Pause to Say Bravo!

Parenting during a pandemic is like nothing parents have ever had to face.

The dangers of the coronavirus led to a lockdown, working remotely, homeschooling, addressing our kids’ compounding disappointments, at-home-summer-camp coordination -- not to mention monitoring regular hand-washing, masks and social distancing. Altogether, it’s been over four months of unparalleled stress. If your kids are still upright at the end of each day, you have done an outstanding job. No question about it.

So at this mid-summer juncture, I wanted to simply say Bravo, Parents! 

In truth, I have been blown away by my clients’ and other parents’ resilience during the last four months. I’ve heard (and experienced) just how hard it is to do one’s paying job while managing all the extra roles parents have had to take on  -- and this goes doubly for parents of young and school-aged kids. More disheartening, every parent has had to deal with the uncertainty, ambiguity and fear about how long this situation might last, feelings that sometimes permeate every (sometimes-unending) day.

In talking to parents, several approaches that have been especially helpful have repeated themselves with regularity:

·      A literal change of scenery, if resources allow…or a virtual shift in daily / weekly activities if you’re unable to leave home

·      A resurgence of and increase in family meetings, so that every member of the family can get involved and buy into helping the family thrive despite the difficulties

·      Cooperating and creating opportunities for family engagement versus pointing fingers at who’s not doing what

·      Preparing and eating at least one meal a day as a family

·      Relinquishing some of the 100% hands-on care we wrongly think a “good” parent always provides

Still, I have to acknowledge that even these things don’t make the problems related to the coronavirus go away or give us a sense of what the future holds, which is the thing we and our children are craving most.

For parents, “not knowing” is probably one of the biggest challenges of the pandemic. After all, parents are accustomed to coming up with solutions to the constant flow of problems life and kids throw our way, but at this moment we have no control over what happens outside our homes -- even though it affects us profoundly. We can’t control the virus. We can’t control government mandates. We can’t make plans that our kids can count on. There are tons of what-ifs.

Given all this stress and uncertainty, every parent is experiencing burnout and major COVID fatigue. That’s why I invite every parent to make sure taking care of yourself is at the very top of your list each day. Try using these suggestions or craft some techniques that work for you:

·      Mindfulness / Meditation / Deep breathing (include the kids if you can)

·      Regular exercise and outside time

·      Consistent bedtime / wake-up schedules

·      Color…listen to music…rock in a rocking chair or hammock -- anything that is self-soothing

·      Limit multi-tasking

·      REPEAT daily…and at any point when you become anxious about the uncertainty of it all

Most important, give yourselves a pat on the back for all you and your family have weathered these last four months.

As each week has passed -- without being conscious of it -- your family has been writing the story of your resilience during an exceptional time in human history. So take a few minutes during a quiet time and jot down some memories of your family’s COVID chapter. Write down the things you’ve accomplished against enormous odds. Take the time to note the things that worked and even those that didn’t. Reflect on what your kids have learned -- and the surprisingly things you’ve learned about them as they’ve weathered their COVID experience.

Above all, acknowledge that while you may not have done it perfectly, you’ve survived and your family is intact and perhaps even thriving in some ways. You’ve been great. So please, revel in it.

The next chapter is just ahead.

6 Parental Concerns and Answers for Coping with Covid-19

Days have turned into weeks since the social distancing and stay-at-home directives to stem the spread of Covid-19 were first announced. And it’s safe to say that weeks may turn into months.

As hard as this is for everyone, the current conditions have a particular impact on families and children. 

As we hunker down in social isolation, some of us are starting to crack under the strain. In my parenting coach practice, a number of parents have admitted to struggling more than they anticipated. Here are some of the most common complaints -- and my advice for how to cope.

“I am not cut out to be a full-time teacher.” 

I get it. So don’t try. But there are a few things you can do:

·      Take full advantage of whatever distance learning support is provided by the school

·      Create a kid-friendly environment in your home that is conducive to learning

·      Let your children know you are proud of their efforts

·      Remind yourself that whatever you’re doing to support your child’s learning is good enough.

“My teenage son/daughter keeps pushing to see their friends.”

Sorry, this is a hard NO. The one thing each of us can do to help stop this pandemic is social distancing. Expert after expert says it is the only way to curb the spread, and we have a collective responsibility to do our part. Be empathic and acknowledge how hard it is for your teens to be separated from their all-important friends, but do not allow them to socialize with their friends except virtually.

“How do I balance MY work responsibilities with the needs of my kids?”

This is a real challenge for working parents.  Managing your workload and being accountable to your boss, colleagues and clients while being a full-time parent, chef and teacher is overwhelming. Here, too, you just have to do the best you can. This is a global crisis and many people are navigating the same issues. Here are some tips for finding a balance:

·      If you haven’t already done so, talk to your manager about which projects take priority.

·      Sit down with your partner and strategize how to insure you both have some protected ‘quiet time’ for the most urgent work-related issues.

·      Stash a few special toys/crafts in the closet. When you need some uninterrupted time pull one out to distract your kids.

·      Use screen time wisely. Rather than watching the show together, use the screen time to get your work done and then play games together.

·      Create a sign that says “Mom/Dad at work” or “Do Not Disturb” but only use it when you absolutely have to.  You want to train your kids to respect the sign so don’t put it up unless you are on an important business call and truly can’t be interrupted.

“It is hard having my college age kids back in the house.”

Some kids were home for spring break and couldn’t go back to school. Others were kicked off campus as the virus spread. Still others were sent home from study-abroad programs. Whatever the reason, there are a lot of college age kids sheltering in place with their parents. And it is stressful for both parties. So you need to have a family meeting ASAP. Here’s how I recommend structuring it:

·      These are young adults and they need to be part of the problem solving

·      Discuss the issues together and work to create a plan

·      Revisit the plan and adjust as necessary

·      Respect that your kids have been managing on their own so to be back under your roof is hard for them

“When will this end?”

We don’t know how long this will be the reality for families and we need to be honest with our kids about that. What we do know is what we must do today to keep our kids and ourselves safe. Don’t make promises about tomorrow or next week. The situation is too fluid and you don’t want to set your children up for disappointment.

“It seems like there’s no time to take care of myself after tending to everyone else’s needs!”

It is critical that parents not isolate emotionally even as we sequester in our own homes. So what can we do to stay emotionally strong and healthy?

·      Remember that you’re not alone; we’re all in this together

·      Stay connected to your tribe -- including extended family, friends and communities

·      Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp, etc.) to virtually check in and ‘see’ each other

·      Find a moment to do something for someone else. Being able to recognize that we can still help others can allow us to feel gratitude. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

The upending of life as we knew it impacts all of us. Since children are the least equipped to process and deal with it, they need the reassurance and steadfastness of their parents more than ever. Above all, take the long view and recognize that we are all working to survive and doing the best we can.

If you have a unique question or concern you’d like to discuss, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.