Days have turned into weeks since the social distancing and stay-at-home directives to stem the spread of Covid-19 were first announced. And it’s safe to say that weeks may turn into months.
As hard as this is for everyone, the current conditions have a particular impact on families and children.
As we hunker down in social isolation, some of us are starting to crack under the strain. In my parenting coach practice, a number of parents have admitted to struggling more than they anticipated. Here are some of the most common complaints -- and my advice for how to cope.
“I am not cut out to be a full-time teacher.”
I get it. So don’t try. But there are a few things you can do:
· Take full advantage of whatever distance learning support is provided by the school
· Create a kid-friendly environment in your home that is conducive to learning
· Let your children know you are proud of their efforts
· Remind yourself that whatever you’re doing to support your child’s learning is good enough.
“My teenage son/daughter keeps pushing to see their friends.”
Sorry, this is a hard NO. The one thing each of us can do to help stop this pandemic is social distancing. Expert after expert says it is the only way to curb the spread, and we have a collective responsibility to do our part. Be empathic and acknowledge how hard it is for your teens to be separated from their all-important friends, but do not allow them to socialize with their friends except virtually.
“How do I balance MY work responsibilities with the needs of my kids?”
This is a real challenge for working parents. Managing your workload and being accountable to your boss, colleagues and clients while being a full-time parent, chef and teacher is overwhelming. Here, too, you just have to do the best you can. This is a global crisis and many people are navigating the same issues. Here are some tips for finding a balance:
· If you haven’t already done so, talk to your manager about which projects take priority.
· Sit down with your partner and strategize how to insure you both have some protected ‘quiet time’ for the most urgent work-related issues.
· Stash a few special toys/crafts in the closet. When you need some uninterrupted time pull one out to distract your kids.
· Use screen time wisely. Rather than watching the show together, use the screen time to get your work done and then play games together.
· Create a sign that says “Mom/Dad at work” or “Do Not Disturb” but only use it when you absolutely have to. You want to train your kids to respect the sign so don’t put it up unless you are on an important business call and truly can’t be interrupted.
“It is hard having my college age kids back in the house.”
Some kids were home for spring break and couldn’t go back to school. Others were kicked off campus as the virus spread. Still others were sent home from study-abroad programs. Whatever the reason, there are a lot of college age kids sheltering in place with their parents. And it is stressful for both parties. So you need to have a family meeting ASAP. Here’s how I recommend structuring it:
· These are young adults and they need to be part of the problem solving
· Discuss the issues together and work to create a plan
· Revisit the plan and adjust as necessary
· Respect that your kids have been managing on their own so to be back under your roof is hard for them
“When will this end?”
We don’t know how long this will be the reality for families and we need to be honest with our kids about that. What we do know is what we must do today to keep our kids and ourselves safe. Don’t make promises about tomorrow or next week. The situation is too fluid and you don’t want to set your children up for disappointment.
“It seems like there’s no time to take care of myself after tending to everyone else’s needs!”
It is critical that parents not isolate emotionally even as we sequester in our own homes. So what can we do to stay emotionally strong and healthy?
· Remember that you’re not alone; we’re all in this together
· Stay connected to your tribe -- including extended family, friends and communities
· Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp, etc.) to virtually check in and ‘see’ each other
· Find a moment to do something for someone else. Being able to recognize that we can still help others can allow us to feel gratitude. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.
The upending of life as we knew it impacts all of us. Since children are the least equipped to process and deal with it, they need the reassurance and steadfastness of their parents more than ever. Above all, take the long view and recognize that we are all working to survive and doing the best we can.
If you have a unique question or concern you’d like to discuss, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.