I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to deal with the stress of life and divorce on hold and self-quarantine with someone you no longer wish to be married to. Here are my best tips:
So you were in the midst of divorce or separation and then COVID-19 happened and now you find yourself quarantined with a spouse you don’t want to be with... what now?
As a parent coach, I want to focus my advice on those of you with children in the house.
Whether they are toddlers or college age kids who have been forced home, you must show them your best selves right now. As a divorce survivor myself, I feel your pain. At whatever place you were in your separation or divorce proceedings, you had made the decision to end your marriage and now that is on hold.... along with the rest of your life. This situation is challenging for all and can seem untenable for those of you suffering in your marriage.
But, your children have to come first here.
They look to us for the answers and we don’t have many for them right now. They don’t know when they are returning to school, when they can see their grandparents, or when they can go back to the park. What you CAN (and should) do is practice effective co-parenting. If and when you are able to separate/divorce you will have to navigate co-parenting so it’s a good opportunity to practice. Stop focusing on you vs. me and start focusing on us vs. COVID-19.
Once you survive this crisis you can get back to figuring out your next steps.
While you are stuck inside together I do not recommend trying to negotiate the parenting plans for the future. Navigating issues around custody, visitation and vacation schedules is not optimal right now as it’s hard to take a break when things feel contentious. Instead work together to take care of yourselves, the kids, your work responsibilities and the house.
Check out my ten tips for parents. These are particularly relevant for you as you have the added stress of your in flux situation.
1.) Manage your own anxiety. Get the support you need so you don’t escalate fear for your children.
2.) Stay informed. The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. In addition, stay on top of communication from your children’s school, pediatrician, tutors, etc.
3.) Focus on what you CAN control. It’s important for our children to still feel like they are empowered. Involve older kids in setting up hand washing stations in the house; create a checklist to wipe down handles, light switches and knobs regularly and assign the tasks.
4.) Make a plan. Structure is important for kids and they like being able to anticipate what is happening next. Post your daily schedule and use colors and pictures for little ones. Be mindful of work demands for yourself and your partner as you plan the day. NO parent can be effective if they do not have an opportunity for self-care.
5.) Be prepared to PIVOT. You may need to revisit the plan as the situation changes. Be flexible.
6.) Have family meetings. A weekly forum (or more frequent if necessary) to check in with each other will help manage the stress of all of this together time.
7.) Dedicate private space. Everyone should have a special place in your home that is just his/hers. It can be a fort in the corner of the living room, but privacy is important.
8.) Don’t isolate emotionally or psychologically. Stay connected to your extended family, friends and community. We are all in this together. Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp) to check in and ‘see’ each other.
9.) Share your best ideas. Post a great pantry staple recipe. Share a fun family game.
10.) Do something for someone else. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.
You can read the full article here: Coronavirus, Self-Quarentine and Divorce