How to Prepare Your Kids for the Road, Rather than Preparing the Road for Them

Here’s something I absolutely know is true:  There is hardly a parent alive, myself included, who wouldn’t willingly take on the sadness, disappointment and suffering of their children, whether it comes from a playmate’s snub, a rejection from a hoped-for university or the death of a family pet.

Here’s another truism:  Not rushing in to smooth our children’s paths is one of the most difficult and loving acts a parent can do.

No matter the impulse behind it, doing everything we can to shelter our children from life’s travails is detrimental for several reasons:

1)    It’s exhausting for parents, especially when there are multiple kids.

2)    It causes unnecessary stress between and for parents.

3)    Most compellingly, shielding our children from adversity or over-indulging their wants and needs profoundly interferes with their cognitive and emotional development, denying them the full set of skills and competencies necessary for adulthood.

If our primary goal as parents is to raise adults capable of managing their lives and contributing to society, it’s up to us to ensure they develop age-appropriate core competencies and self-confidence in their ability to do so -- even if that means standing back and watching them fail over and over again!

Picture a toddler learning how to dress herself -- an enormously frustrating task for someone with subpar motor skills. They need lots of practice, day after day. In the process, they fail -- a lot! But if you give them opportunities to ‘do for themselves’ they get to experience mastery and pride in their accomplishment.

My eldest struggled mightily to learn how to tie his shoes. As a mom, it was excruciating to witness his exasperating attempts. At times I desperately wanted to step in, but I didn't want to deny him the opportunity to sit with the problem, figure it out and then have the joy of his success. Over those weeks, my son didn’t just master shoe tying; he built up both his frustration-tolerance and his belief that if he worked hard, he could do anything!

Learning the discrete and seemingly mundane tasks of early life are the fundamental steppingstones of childhood. Eventually, they enable your tween to tell the school psychologist they’re being bullied, for example, and they can give high schoolers the confidence to negotiate a fare wage for a summer job. For kids of all ages, the tremendous value of learning isn’t just acquiring new skills; it’s the self-efficacy and resilience that results from the process of moving through failure to mastery.

One of the best ways parents can support their kids along the path is to

model how to deal with the myriad problems, snags and plans undone by circumstance that litter every parent’s waking life! When the airline cancels a flight…when there’s a traffic jam and you’re late for an appointment…when the pipes burst. Do we scream and rail, throwing up our hands in defeat? Or do we problem-solve, investigating all the possible fixes and options available? Naturally, parents feel and express frustration, too, and handling our emotions appropriately is part of the lesson. Then, we model how to pivot to the solution.

Please know I’m not suggesting parents shouldn’t ever intervene. If your child’s frustration level is too high or they are really struggling, it’s a parent’s job to step in and offer support. It’s also up to us to decipher when our kids’ frustration is actually a real need for connection. Above all, we must be vigilant about differentiating between personal needs around being an uber-parent and the long-range desire for our kids’ maturation. That’s when parents need to acknowledge that it is hard to see your kid in pain and then get the support you need.

Standing by and watching our children fail can feel like the heaviest lift of parenthood. From the minute your child is first in your arms (and often before), parents fantasize about what we want the future to look like. The first thing that upsets our idealized picture for them can feel devastating. And watching them fail? That felt really hard to do.

When I’m working with parents who’d do anything to save their kids from failing and feeling bad, I like to share the viewpoint of one of my all-time favorite authors and researchers, Julie Lythcott-Haims. She says, “I call failure one of life’s beautiful f-words -- along with “flail,” fumble,” flounder” and “fall.” You have to encounter these things over the course of your life to learn how to bounce back. The more you experience them, the more resilient you’ll be when bigger challenges arise.”

That’s superb advice for parents too. You’ll find more gems like that in her groundbreaking book, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success. You’ll find it on the resource page of my website below the FAQs.

p.s. If you have 20 minutes now, watch Julie’s Ted Talk for a glimpse into her take on raising successful kids.

How Parents can Mitigate their Back-to-School Concerns

“School is all I think about” -- the subject line of a recent NYT parenting email -- perfectly sums up the collective angst around the coming school year for just about every parent I know.

In fact, how to manage what’s next academically has been one of the top concerns on my clients’ minds since April, when I first broached the subject of what parents can do to manage uncertainty during the pandemic.

Five months in, uncertainty is still the watchword when it comes to back-to-school season, from pre-schoolers to the college bound, leaving parents to make their best decisions given the profusion of ever-changing data.

First, there’s the new research out of the Children’s Hospital of Chicago that indicates higher viral loads in young children than previously thought. Complicating the picture, a study in Australia demonstrates “extremely limited” transmission in New South Wales educational settings during the first wave of COVID-19. Science magazine reported on a study that indicates that rampant screening of the whole population is a key to safely reopen schools and business. The latest guidance from the CDC, sadly influenced by politics, hasn’t changed since July 23, even given the new studies. And tragically, while a spotlight has been shined on how to protect children in abusive or neglectful homes for whom school is a lifeline, (20% of reports to child protective services come from educational personnel), a nationwide solution remains elusive.

For most parents, the choice of how to return to the classroom has been made for them. As of August 6th, 17 of the 20 largest school districts in the country have chosen to exclusively educate their students online. Other districts are still finalizing their approach. What still remains unknown is how districts are addressing the deficits in technology hardware and access that remain unaddressed for a number of students.

Those are just some of the large systemic issues that education writ large is facing. Closer to home, there are a number of concerns keeping us parents up at night. But with planning and presence, parents can mitigate them.

1.    Risk of exposure to the coronavirus for staff and students.

Either by school-district mandate or personal choice, many parents are opting for online-only education for their elementary and high-school aged kids largely because it is the safest bet, even though it runs counter to advice from some pediatric experts.

The latest data about young kids and COVID-19 hugely impacts parents of pre-schoolers and rising kindergarteners -- particularly if these youngsters and their parents are in regular contact with elderly or immune-compromised people. If sending young children to in-person schools or preschools, parents need to give little ones lots of practice wearing masks for extended periods of time now so it becomes routinized come Day 1. And if your children are washing their hands as much as they ought to be, keep a special eye out for peeling, rashes and cracking and tend to them daily.

Understanding school rules and expectations for in-person learning will help you prepare your kids and keep them and their teachers safe. Not traveling to hot spots and practicing smart social distancing for two weeks in advance of returning to school is vital, as is continued vigilance.

2.     Academic engagement and rigor.

Amid the chaos of the abrupt transition to distance learning this past March, many pedagogical principles took a back seat. So did teacher expectations of students. But come September, that will hopefully change now that teachers have flattened the distance-learning curve and have had time to plan.

That’s not to say that there won’t be variation in teacher preparedness. If you don’t feel the online classroom is challenging enough (or if you have other concerns), bring it to the attention of the teacher and/or administration, as you would have in the past. School staff may be remote, but they remain accountable for their work. Your kids will be learning from home, but they aren’t being educated in a vacuum.

If your child’s achievement is a concern, an effective strategy to alleviate online hurdles is to recall what worked -- and didn't work -- about distance learning for your particular children and put tweaks in place to address the discrepancies. For example, if in the Spring you were quick to jump in when your middle-schoolers struggled with an online assignment, take a more encouraging-but-hands-off approach so they can get better at independent learning.

When school is ‘live’, there are many built-in cues to help kids anticipate what was coming next, which actually prepared them for better learning. Students (of all ages) respond favorably to structure, so build routine into your children’s school day, especially if the online learning isn’t synchronous.  A huge help in this regard is a weekly family meeting. These gatherings don’t just let everyone know what to expect in the coming week, they also give kids and parents alike a chance to learn from missteps and contribute to family harmony. After you create your family’s daily or weekly schedule, hang it in a highly trafficked spot in your home. There are numerous examples on-line.

example taken from caps.k12.va.us

acps.k12.va.us

Remember that many children will find themselves without the necessary resources to succeed and are much more vulnerable at this time. If you are a parent with resources to spare, find local organizations and donate!

3.  Social-emotional engagement of students with both teachers and peers.

As with most things related to children, the short- and long-term impact of decreased social and emotional engagement due to the pandemic depends on your kids’ personality. I know some students who prefer online connection that have actually flourished during the pandemic, both personally and academically.

Others, who thrive on in-person social engagement, as well as some only children, may be suffering. The last thing you want to happen is for your child to be in pain -- or learn to hate school solely because of the isolation of distance learning. As parents, this is the time to figure what works for your kid yet keeps your family within your coronavirus comfort level.

One strategy is to find someone who can act as a big brother or big sister…a combination tutor and playmate…who can engage with your child in a way that produces both a feeling of connection and positive learning outcomes.

Another idea is to do what many families did over the course of the summer and expand your individual family circle with one or two other families with like-minded protective practices to create a multiple-family pod. Pods help alleviate the extreme isolation of the pandemic while providing their kids with playmates who can keep them company during the school year -- even if they aren’t in the same class.

Child-teacher engagement, a vital contributor to effective learning, is obviously more difficult when learning is both distant and asynchronous. A fair number of schools are planning a hybrid of synchronous and asynchronous teaching so kids can have engagement with teachers; it also guards against digital burnout.

Yes, child-teacher engagement is more challenging when learning is remote, but it’s also an opportunity for older kids to be guided to self-advocate for their needs by setting up communication strategies that work for both teacher and student. Even younger kids, aided by parents, can email teachers and request some one-on-one time.

In either case, be thoughtful and empathic about your expectations of teachers. After all, they are most likely facing the same challenges of full-time work and helping their kids learn from home as you are!

4.    Keeping kids physically active.

I hear this concern from my clients all the time. My point of view is that this is one area when parents need to step in and set clear boundaries and expectations. Being healthy (don’t make it about weight or appearance) is a family value that parents need to model every day.

A multitude of articles from credible medical sources speak to the importance of physical activity during the pandemic because it reduces stress, improves cardio-vascular health, boosts the immune system and improves sleep.

So what to do? Make it a priority by clearly building it into your weekly family calendar. During your family meetings, brainstorm fresh exercise ideas to try each week. Online are a slew of free apps many with virtual classes that require little space or special equipment. Exercise as a family (or pod) with bike rides, dance parties, jogs around the block and “team” sports. Make it a challenge by giving family members who reach weekly exercise goals an award. Embrace new activities and encourage your older kids to research the myriad options available on-line.

5.    Preparing kids for the “new normal.”

Whether school is online, remote or a mash-up, things are going to be very different come September. It is essential that parents contact schools in advance to find out what is being planned so you can prepare your children.

If your kids are actually going to school for in person learning, they need to know in advance that there will be dramatic changes. Parents will no longer be walking their little ones into the school. Once inside, there will be fewer students and staff in the classroom, where desks will likely be 6 feet apart. Mandatory hand washing will be the norm. Teachers will be the ones moving from classroom to classroom; students will stay put. Hallways will be one-way. Lunch will be at your desk. Recess will be closely monitored to maintain social distancing. Masks will be worn by everyone.  

Even distance learning will “feel” different than it did this past Spring, when the transition was abrupt and unplanned. In the first days and weeks of the school year in particular, set aside time to talk to your children about what felt different and what they liked and didn’t like. Stay on top of your kids’ anxieties -- and your own -- and get the support you need to accommodate them.

4.    Continuing impact on parents’ personal and professional lives.

This is a huge issue -- especially for parents of school-aged kids. If you’re lucky enough to have a co-parent, success starts by collaborating with your partner.

Talk to one another about how you’ll share responsibilities, drawing on the best of what you did in the Spring. If you’re lucky enough to be working remotely, talk to your boss about maintaining flexibility; fortunately, most bosses are likely to be prepared for these conversations. Make the necessary adjustments within your team as well. If team meetings have been on Monday mornings at 8 during the summer, suggest they occur mid-morning, so parents can help kids settle into their distance-learning routine.

Life is always harder for single parents, working or not. Single parents need to come up with a cohort to share the responsibility. If extended family isn’t available, send a note to others on the block to seek like-minded parents who will join a pod that provides a safety net for parents and support for kids.

For all working parents, one strategy that works extremely well is to create a red-yellow-green sign that indicates a working parent’s availability. Red means “please wait” (unless there’s blood, of course!) yellow means “enter if it can’t wait until [insert time]” and green means “come on in.” Don’t overuse the red if you want the system honored.

You can also set up a low drawer with healthy snacks and water that kids can help themselves to during the day. Let older kids have a little more responsibility for their younger siblings. I’ll give you that parents in previous generations gave older siblings too much responsibility, but nowadays parents are loathe to give them much at all. Do it anyway; kids are capable of much more than we give them credit for.

Most importantly, make the time for your and your partner to have the personal and shared time you need to put yourselves and your relationship first. When you make yourselves a priority through parental self-care, you can trust the rest will fall into place.

These are extremely challenging times for parents and families. You won’t find me saying they’re not. And success requires plenty of planning, resilience -- and a hefty sense of humor. No parent is going to do it perfectly. But as parents around the globe are facing the same challenge, we will have lots of company.

Then there’s this: I believe parents who live by and model their shared values will find the going a little easier simply because they know what they’re doing is the best possible thing for their kids given the extraordinary circumstances.

Let’s get started…I think I hear the bell!

p.s.  I’ll address college students in a post coming very soon! If you have questions in the meantime, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.

Pandemic Parenting - A Pause to Say Bravo!

Parenting during a pandemic is like nothing parents have ever had to face.

The dangers of the coronavirus led to a lockdown, working remotely, homeschooling, addressing our kids’ compounding disappointments, at-home-summer-camp coordination -- not to mention monitoring regular hand-washing, masks and social distancing. Altogether, it’s been over four months of unparalleled stress. If your kids are still upright at the end of each day, you have done an outstanding job. No question about it.

So at this mid-summer juncture, I wanted to simply say Bravo, Parents! 

In truth, I have been blown away by my clients’ and other parents’ resilience during the last four months. I’ve heard (and experienced) just how hard it is to do one’s paying job while managing all the extra roles parents have had to take on  -- and this goes doubly for parents of young and school-aged kids. More disheartening, every parent has had to deal with the uncertainty, ambiguity and fear about how long this situation might last, feelings that sometimes permeate every (sometimes-unending) day.

In talking to parents, several approaches that have been especially helpful have repeated themselves with regularity:

·      A literal change of scenery, if resources allow…or a virtual shift in daily / weekly activities if you’re unable to leave home

·      A resurgence of and increase in family meetings, so that every member of the family can get involved and buy into helping the family thrive despite the difficulties

·      Cooperating and creating opportunities for family engagement versus pointing fingers at who’s not doing what

·      Preparing and eating at least one meal a day as a family

·      Relinquishing some of the 100% hands-on care we wrongly think a “good” parent always provides

Still, I have to acknowledge that even these things don’t make the problems related to the coronavirus go away or give us a sense of what the future holds, which is the thing we and our children are craving most.

For parents, “not knowing” is probably one of the biggest challenges of the pandemic. After all, parents are accustomed to coming up with solutions to the constant flow of problems life and kids throw our way, but at this moment we have no control over what happens outside our homes -- even though it affects us profoundly. We can’t control the virus. We can’t control government mandates. We can’t make plans that our kids can count on. There are tons of what-ifs.

Given all this stress and uncertainty, every parent is experiencing burnout and major COVID fatigue. That’s why I invite every parent to make sure taking care of yourself is at the very top of your list each day. Try using these suggestions or craft some techniques that work for you:

·      Mindfulness / Meditation / Deep breathing (include the kids if you can)

·      Regular exercise and outside time

·      Consistent bedtime / wake-up schedules

·      Color…listen to music…rock in a rocking chair or hammock -- anything that is self-soothing

·      Limit multi-tasking

·      REPEAT daily…and at any point when you become anxious about the uncertainty of it all

Most important, give yourselves a pat on the back for all you and your family have weathered these last four months.

As each week has passed -- without being conscious of it -- your family has been writing the story of your resilience during an exceptional time in human history. So take a few minutes during a quiet time and jot down some memories of your family’s COVID chapter. Write down the things you’ve accomplished against enormous odds. Take the time to note the things that worked and even those that didn’t. Reflect on what your kids have learned -- and the surprisingly things you’ve learned about them as they’ve weathered their COVID experience.

Above all, acknowledge that while you may not have done it perfectly, you’ve survived and your family is intact and perhaps even thriving in some ways. You’ve been great. So please, revel in it.

The next chapter is just ahead.

How to Craft a DIY Safe, Fun (& Resilient) COVID Summer

In my last post -- presuming that 2020 would not be summer as usual -- I advised parents to think “what if”, evaluate your risk tolerance and turn to your tribe to lay the groundwork for when summertime decision time arrived.

Well…it’s here.

While a number of states are cautiously reopening, some parents have  already decided that it feels too risky for them to have their kids away from home in any capacity this summer. Other parents, who had hoped the kids could still attend their annual camp, are just now hearing about 2020 closings or deciding against the relatively restrictive and rather un-camp-like CDC guidelines for summer camps.

As a result, both working and stay-at-home parents are surrendering to the idea that summer 2020 is going to be a DIY project for the whole family.

But first, there are feelings to be shared. Lots of feelings.

As the pandemic morphed from the early days of uncertainty to weeks of cancellations and shut-downs, children of all ages have had to endure an unending string of disappointments in a very short period of time. Even so, there remained the hope that “maybe” the virus would be contained by summer and they could resume some sense of normalcy.

Now that has been taken from them too.

The result? Kids are grieving -- and need their parents to help them navigate yet another loss.

Over and over in my blog, I’ve talked about how parents can help kids feel seen and validated, whatever their feelings. The “guidance” is even more important during COVID:

·      Give kids space to share their frustration and anger without criticizing or judging

·      Acknowledge the depth of their disappointment and grief; don’t minimize it

·      Validate their feelings and be empathic

·      Take the opportunity to teach (or remind) them that feelings are fluid and don’t last forever

·      Reassure them that you’re confident they will get through it

·      Let them know they can come to you whenever their negative feelings resurface or flare up

·      Provide the wider perspective of the global experience and their relative privilege  

·      Help them shift their focus to the things they can control  

As a parent coach and educational therapist, I’d be remiss if I didn’t call out the huge side benefit of helping kids manage their negative emotions due to the pandemic -- and that’s strengthening their resilience in the face of obstacles.

And as famed author and parenting pro Julie Lythcott-Haims points out, “Maybe this is an opportunity for children to reclaim some of the very best aspects of childhood that we’ve paved over with enrichment programs.” Indeed.

Even with those upsides, the question remains: what are the options for kids this summer now that baseball games, camp, pools, sleepovers, amusement parks and all the other traditional activities of summertime are no longer part of the equation?

One thing’s for sure. Some of the best answers for how to spend Summer 2020 will emerge by giving our kids a leading role. In fact, giving children a sense of responsibility and ownership over their summer is yet another resilience- and creativity-building process. Not to mention, giving kids agency over hot to craft a fun summer translates to the type of buy-in that money and pleading just can’t buy.

A family meeting is a great place to start the brainstorming. With the oldest child or a parent acting as the scribe, let your kids imagine how they might turn their favorite summertime activities into things they can safely do at home. Suggest weekly themes to riff off of. Explore online classes and virtual activities. Schedule a camping weekend in your backyard. Add a hefty dose of DIY opportunities. Build in a variety of skill-learning options -- with end-of-summer prizes and awards. Allow for some screen and reading time, too.

And be prepared for meltdowns, frustration and the “growth opportunity” that frustration will bring (including your own!).

I’m not suggesting that creating a bespoke summer camp will be a cakewalk -- nor do I for a second underestimate the enormous logistics effort required to get kids signed up, supplies bought and guardrails put in place. Yet I maintain that the pandemic offers parents the chance to acknowledge the profound loss for the entire family -- and to project the confidence that as a family, you’ll get through it.

There are tons of resources online - almost too many. So I’ve compiled a short list of options (see below), that run the gamut from camp-in-a-box deliveries to DIY projects for all ages to interactive virtual camps on subjects from fashion to ocean science to get you started. Many are offering discounts due to the pandemic and several are free.

Summer is here, whether we are ready or not; if you need support, I’m here.

SUMMER 2020 Online Resources

activityhero.com  Hub for live interactive classes and camps including fashion, cooking, coding, ocean science and more for kids of all ages.

camp.wonderopolis.org   FREE online summer-learning destination.

connectedcamps.com   Founded by three “girls geeks,” this nonprofit focuses on the positive potential of tech. Game design and architecture largely through Minecraft platform. Ages 8-17

creativebug.com   Arts and crafts activities taught through award-winning videos. 

diy.org   Clearinghouse for step-by-step video instruction on a variety of projects for kids capable of independent work. Rube goldberg machines, drawing demos, sewing activities and more.

idtech.com   Virtual weeklong tech camps + online private lessons in coding, STEM, game development, etc. Ages 7+.  

https://www.musicinst.org. Music Institue of Chicago. Private lessons and groups K-12, beginners on up. Musical theater camps and teaching how to play an instrument.

https://www.nashvillechildrenstheatre.org   Fully integrated and interactive online theater classes -- including online productions -- for ages 8-18.

mycampbox.com    Joys and crafts of summer camp delivered to your doorstep. Interactive elements including Campfire Chats via Zoom. Ages 6+.

outschool.com   Fun, social and safe online learning experiences over live video for kids 3-18.

ctd.northwestern.edu   Center for Talent Development at Northwestern is offering online opportunities for kids from pre-school through high school.

unicoistudio.com   “Together we Camp” art projects to go plus live virtual classes.

varsitytutors.com    Week long camps. K-12. 1 hour live daily classes taught by celebrity instructors.

wideopenschool.org   A FREE online learning resource hub for all ages, including virtual field trips.

What's Next? Planning a COVID-19 Summer

Just as parents the world over were coming to grips with the reality that school would be virtual for the rest of the academic year, a new unknown loomed: What will summer look like in the midst of a worldwide pandemic?

This much we can assume -- it will not be summer as usual.

The sad fact is the virus isn’t going away. The science on whether or not summertime heat will “quiet” the virus is inconclusive at best. Even the once-promising impact of antibody testing isn’t a guarantee that we will be safe from reinfection or from infecting others. Nor can we predict what local or state restrictions will be. In short - we’re not going to get a green-light reprieve from the confines and challenges of the current situation.

So now what?

First, remember you’re not alone. Every parent and family is facing the same uncertainties and worries about how to maintain family health and unity throughout the summer in these unprecedented times. The not-so-good news is that no one delivers a one-size-fits-all solution that will make the questions of what to do this summer fall neatly into place. Each family’s plan needs to be individualized to fit your unique circumstances and needs.

What I offer is a template for what to be thinking about so you will be better equipped to create a new version of summer this year.

1.     Take a deep breath. I know I am not alone in craving normalcy. Take a moment to digest the additional potential losses for yourself and your children. Camp, summer travel, summer jobs, etc. Each new loss can compound feelings of despair and heighten anxiety. Acknowledge this reality, but don’t allow it to keep your from the next steps.

2. Don’t wait to start strategizing. Don’t put your head in the sand in hopes that a cure or vaccine will make your what-if planning unnecessary. Compared to our old lives, the world could remain shut down -- including social distancing and stay-at-home orders -- for a couple more weeks or months. Make it a priority to think through various what-if scenarios with your partner, co-parent and/or family and close friends.

3.     Assess your financial situation. If both parents are lucky enough to still have jobs, will one of you need to take a leave from work if your risk tolerance precludes sending kids to childcare or if summer camps don’t open? If you are a single working parent and don’t have the option of not working, what, if any, sources of outside income or support can you call upon?

4.     Assess your risk tolerance. What are your feelings about being part of the first wave of workers returning to an office setting? If either or both parents are called back to work in an office setting, are you willing to take the risk of possible exposure to the virus or do you need to negotiate with your boss about continuing to work remotely?

As far as kids are concerned, are you comfortable sending children to childcare centers, camps or park districts this summer?

5.     If you’re divorced, talk with your co-parent. Managing children between two households can be tough in normal times. Be sure to have a frank conversation about your respective needs and obligations over the summer with your co-parent. Utilize a mediator if necessary.

6.     Contact your daycare centers and summer-camps.

The CDC has already issued guidelines for daycare centers. If your particular daycare center closed now but is reopening this summer, ask hard questions about their cleaning regimens and other plans to keep children safe. If they don’t have one this far into the crisis, consider investigating other providers.

If you’ve already registered your kids for summer camps, call and find out if they are strategizing options for families such as Camp-in-a-Box or other virtual experiences. Some camps may open depending on geography, so find out if they are instituting precautions such as limiting the number of children per group.

Parents of teens scheduled to work as camp counselors this summer also need to consider their tolerance for risk, as well as what to do if your teen gets the virus.

Many summer camps (local or sleep-away) are awaiting final CDC guidelines. Be sure to sign up for weekly CDC updates via newsletter.

7.     Look to your tribe. It’s virtually impossible to maintain the existing scenario of being a full-time caregiver and maintain a full-time career. Since every family is going to need help, what is your tolerance for widening your quarantine circle? Can you bring parents, siblings or other close relatives into your orbit to help? What about neighborhood resources? Can parents help homebound teens on your block create a safe local version of “summer camp”?

As the pandemic has unfolded, I’ve spoken with many parents -- of both single and multiple children -- who are immensely concerned about the negative impact of ongoing social isolation on their kids. I hear the concerns -- and empathize completely. But children truly are resilient -- as long as parents remain engaged with them throughout this ordeal.

Expose them to what’s happening in the world and take advantage of the many teaching opportunities the pandemic offers. Provide lessons in empathy and community engagement by helping them sew masks to distribute or send thank-you cards to essential workers or isolated seniors. Help them gain essential skills like cooking, proper housecleaning and planting a garden. Engage their bodies and guard their mental health by building lots of physical activity and movement into their days (and yours!). Above all, be there when they need to vent or cry or express their feelings about their seemingly dashed end-of-school and summer plans. Be compassionate about the losses they are experiencing even as you practice gratitude for good health, resources, etc.

As absolutely tough as this is -- on every one of us -- I firmly believe families can and will recover. COVID-19 is offering an unsolicited master-class in resilience. Now is the time to start to think about what’s next for yourself and your family.

The Unexpected Blessings of Sheltering at Home

One blessing…A family’s way of honoring each other at a weekly award ceremony!

People worldwide are experiencing a multitude of stressors due to the raging COVID-19 pandemic. For moms and dads in particular, the challenges of trying to simultaneously be full-time parents and, often, full-time employees, have brought many a competent adult to the breaking point.

But then, out of the blue and often just when it is needed most, a friend reaches out with a word of support…a brother makes a daily effort to connect with his sister…an unexpected gift appears on a doorstep…or a child intuitively offers Mommy a huge hug.

These are just a few of the gifts parents are discovering as we inch our families forward -- moment by moment, day by day -- through the single most momentous global happening in a century.

As stated so eloquently in a recent Esalen Institute newsletter:

“No other moment in recent history has brought the world together on one singular path quite like the COVID-19 pandemic…reminding us that this juncture is allowing us to strengthen our connection with ourselves and each other even more. By doing so, we have the capacity to expand our human potential in ways we may have never imagined.”

In my work as a parenting coach and through my philanthropic service, I’ve been hearing about the many unintended gifts of this time -- and the inherent beauty of the directive to “shelter” at home. For what else ought our homes be for our children and are families if not a shelter and sanctuary from an invisible enemy?

And when could it be more important than right now, when our compliance can quite plainly mean the difference between life and death?

Here is just a sampling of the ‘gifts’ I’ve been hearing about:

·      Being able to FaceTime one’s parents every day

·      Dropping off a box of presents and singing “Happy Birthday” to a 5-year-old (from a safe distance!)

·      Beginning a tradition of weekly family meetings

·      The privilege of having jobs we can perform remotely, providing incomes to care for our families

·      A 12-year-old’s suggestion that her family create handmade COVID-19 awards for one another and bestow them weekly in a ceremony complete with a podium and Olympic music; her mother’s prized award to date is the ‘Best at Admitting You Were Wrong’ Award!

·      One mother of two hadn’t realized just how much she missed her busy 3rd grader until schools closed; she is now savoring this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend more time with both her girls

·      A profusion of craft-making and game-playing

·      “Found time” with college-aged kids who know they are safe and wanted back at home

·      Families becoming “communities” committed to fully participating in all the chores required to make a house a home

·      Zoom or other video-enabled gatherings to continue celebrating birthdays and other important occasions -- and simply to reconnect with friends with whom we’ve lost touch in the busyness of life before the pandemic

·      Family pets that offer unconditional love 24/7 -- and a reason to get much-needed exercise

·      Being mindful of what brings us meaning rather than simply checking items off a to-do list

A final thought:  Globally, there are many, many parents less privileged by race, geography and systemic inequities who are unable to provide for their children’s most basic needs or shield them from the effects of the coronavirus and the impact of lost livelihoods. If you are able, consider giving of your resources to organizations helping families in need both in your local communities and worldwide.

creating a Family Plan for the Coronavirus

Please wash your hands.

According to the CDC, that’s one of the very basic precautions that should be in every family’s plan for helping to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.

These days, it’s impossible to turn on a radio or television or log on to a digital media platform without hearing about the virus and its trek worldwide. While the disease may not yet be virulent in the U.S., the coverage certainly is.

That’s a good thing. As global citizens, we need to be and stay informed about what could become a substantial health crisis.

No one can predict with certainty if the virus will become widespread in the United States, certainly not at this early stage. Yet as parents we need to start thinking about the possible major impacts on family life -- and have contingency plans in place to address them.

In my opinion, here are the big issues families ought to be thinking about proactively:

Deal with your own anxieties. If you’re seriously worried about the virus, find a safe place to express your concerns to other adults. Talk to your partner and your friends. If your worry is outsized, consult a therapist. Bottom line, get the support you need so you don’t end up passing your anxiety on to your children.

Get informed.  The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. On it you can find out about the symptoms of COVID 19, the disease caused by the virus; how it spreads; children-specific data; prevention tips and precautions; FAQs; travel restrictions; recommendations for when to call a doctor and more -- all vetted by the best medical professionals in the county.

Stay informed.  You can easily sign up for weekly updates about the virus on the CDC website. Or choose any reputable new sources to keep yourself informed, especially in the case of breaking news.

Make a plan for school closures.  If the coronavirus becomes prevalent in your city, the local school district may decide to close schools. Talk to friends and neighbors to figure out a contingency plan if that possibility becomes an eventuality.

Talk to employers about working remotely. Many businesses will allow workers whose jobs can be performed remotely to work from home. If you’re not sure if your employer will do so -- or you have the type of job that cannot be performed remotely and you’ll need child care -- develop a plan that will keep your kids safe and supervised while you’re at work.

Summer camps and summers abroad. The school year will end before we know it. I haven’t seen much about local cities cancelling summer camps at this point, but be sure to have a back-up plan. Many summer programs abroad are already being preemptively cancelled. Now is the time to partner with your college-aged children and their institutions for a Plan B for Summer 2020.

Consider needs of parents and other elderly relatives. In early March when the disease was starting to gain a foothold in Seattle, Washington city officials recommended that anyone over the age of 60 stay in their homes. Stay in regular touch with elders in your life and encourage them to take precautions as advised.

Think about summer vacation plans. Since no one knows where or how the virus will spread, you’ll need to be flexible about summer vacation plans, especially if you’ve already made them. Fortunately, many airlines are lifting restrictions and waiving fees around rebooking. But those financial reprieves won’t soothe disappointed feelings…so take a look at what you’ve planned and see what you can adjust so your family can still enjoy the summer.

Talk to your kids about the virus. Don’t know where to start or how much information to reveal? NPR recently had a superb three-minute segment specifically directed at kids that explains what the virus is and how it’s affecting all of us. Sit your kids down for a listen together and then answer their questions. The site also features a great graphic comic just for kids that explains the virus.

Have a family meeting. This is the time for parents to share they have a plan in place -- and not just for big issues like school closings. Talk about your every-day family plan in terms of hand-washing, more frequent laundry, and other precautions you’ll be following.

Revise and repeat. Circumstances are bound to change if and when the virus becomes more active in the United States. Regularly review and revise your plans, if necessary, and be sure to keep everyone informed.

And again, please wash your hands!

Three 'Must-Dos' To Help Kids Cope With Violent Events

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. Breaking news reveals that extremists – home-grown or international – have struck with violent precision.

It’s happened yet again – this time twice within a single weekend in El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio.

While there have sadly been many active-shooter events in the intervening years since 9/11, the news of these early August attacks brought me back in an instant to the day when the ongoing national nightmare was spawned.

By the time I picked up my then-seven-year-old son from school on September 11, 2001 he knew that planes had destroyed the Twin Towers. He had been worried about Grandma and Grandpa, who lived in New York. It astounded me how quickly he made the fearful connection between the attack and his grandparents’ safety…and that he lived with that fear until I arrived to pick him up.

Whether a terrorist strike is on the scale of 9/11, Sandy Hook, or the recent ones in Texas and Ohio, your children may be afraid, perhaps angry and naturally curious about its impact on their lives – especially now that school will soon be back in session.

Here’s one thing you can rely on: Your kids will be exposed to an uncontrollable media assault on multiple platforms, as well as information – and misinformation – from friends and schoolmates.

As concerned and hungry for information as we, ourselves, may be, our job as parents in the face of this type of crisis is threefold:

·      Control your kids’ environment

·      Share only age-appropriate information

·      Don’t answer questions they haven’t asked

Control your kids’ environment.

It’s impossible to control media entirely, but parents need to own the conversation. That starts with being sensitive to what and how much information about active shooter and other violent events your kids are exposed to.

As much as you can, shield your children – especially more vulnerable school-agers – from the media onslaught. Play music rather than news on the car radio. If the TV is on at home, play or stream movies or children’s programs to avoid “breaking news” updates.

Think beyond media. Remember… kids have elephant ears. Your child may look engrossed in a coloring book or a video game while you and your friend talk about the news, but their attraction to and curiosity about adult conversation will heighten their interest in what you’re saying.

Finally, gather as much info as you can from school administrators and teachers about what, if anything, they’ve officially communicated to the children in their charge. If there were an attack somewhere in the world – but it’s not getting much media coverage – I wouldn’t bring it up unless I know it was discussed at school.

One additional note on environments: Given the cultural acceptance of guns in the home for many people, it is completely appropriate to ask whether there are guns in the home prior to a playdate or sleepover. I coach clients to inquire about that simply so they can make an informed decision about their kids’ safety. Many gun owners understand the responsibility well and have gun safes and other preventative measures in place; but, it is your responsibility to ask.

Share only age-appropriate information.

Between lock-down and active-shooter drills at school – not to mention parental lectures about “stranger danger” and the sanctity of their bodies – modern kids are well aware of the potential for both violence and personal harm. Yet if an actual event occurs either at school, in the U.S. or globally, fear will likely overcome them… again, especially school-age children.

Reassurance is a parent’s #1 responsibility. But don’t be dishonest. If the recent attack was at a school like theirs, kids will likely ask “Am I safe at school?” You certainly cannot say, “I promise nothing will ever happen at school.” But you can reassure them that you have full confidence that Principal Jones, Safety Officer Sam and their teachers are doing everything possible to protect them.

As someone who is herself quite sensitive to visual imagery, it behooves us as parents to be exceptionally mindful about what our kids see – not only what they hear. They can’t ever unsee images of mangled and bloodied bodies, so especially guard against their exposure to graphic visuals.

Teens, of course, are capable of a much more in-depth conversation. With their near-constant presence on social media, teens likely will know many of the details of the attack and its consequences. They may even have opinions they want to share with you. Invite those conversations. Just make sure they’re not within earshot of younger siblings. For your part, be honest with your teen, but remain measured and mindful.

Don’t answer questions they haven’t asked.

Parents often presume kids know more than they do. We also tend to invest more meaning in what they say than what is they actually know or feel.

So check yourself. When your kids ask questions, reflect their question back to them so you’re absolutely confident you know what they’re asking. Find out what they know – and how they know it.

It’s possible they’ve only heard bits and pieces from schoolmates. Let the facts guide your decision-making about what – and what not – to say.

Above all, find out what their precise concerns are and address them rather than go over the details about the actual event. For school-aged kids in particular, too much information is easily overwhelming, scary and hard to process.

As the intensity of the coverage dies down, job #2 for parents is to stay vigilant about any lingering fears and concerns your kids may have. Are they clinging to you more than usual? Afraid to go to school or sleepovers? Wetting their bed? Watch for and attend to these signs of anxiety with reassurance and, if warranted, professional support.

While we cannot guarantee our kids will never be exposed to or involved in such attacks, as parents we have a critical role to play in helping them process violence. If you have any specific questions you’d like me to address, please email me at danahirtparenting@gmail.com