10 Tips to Help Kids Cope with Pandemic-Sized Emotions
We are all having a tough time dealing with the ups and downs (and let’s admit, it’s mostly “downs”) of the pandemic. Every mom and dad I talk to says their kids’ feelings are uber-ramped up and intense these days. That makes now the perfect time to share my ideas for how parents can help children deal with BIG emotions.
As year 3 of the pandemic began with the far-too-transmissible Omicron variant running amok, our kids found themselves back in the maelstrom -- again!
· Will schools stay open or will it go virtual?
· Will they have to socially isolate from their friends?
· Will upcoming sports and social events get cancelled?
· Will things EVER go back to normal?
At a time like this, what do our kids need from us?
CONNECTION.
Given that, one challenge facing parents these days is to not characterize (or experience) your child’s big emotions as manipulative or inappropriately attention seeking. Trust me, except in very rare cases it is neither of those things. It’s actually a call for help and presence. It’s up to us to reframe their out-of-control feelings and behaviors as emotional dysregulation, and teach them how to deal with them. So next time you witness a toddler temper tantrum, hear your tween’s hurled, “I hate you!” or that vigorously slammed teenage door shakes the house, remember those behaviors are your kids’ unspoken acknowledgement that they simply can’t hold or manage their out-sized feelings alone.
What are the key big emotions our children are feeling right now?
FRUSTRATION. The frustration and discouragement our kids are experiencing is acute. Not being in control of anything and having little decision-making power makes their exasperation even more, well, exasperating. Typically, when a kid is mildly frustrated or has some reserve of resiliency, they may feel better simply by talking with a friend or parent about it. Yet when frustration is constant and/or accelerates, the result is bad behavior -- sometimes a lot of it. For youngsters, that can look like more hitting or biting. Tweens who once willingly interacted with younger siblings may exhibit annoyance instead. Older kids may have more verbal outbursts and ratchet up their eye-roll quota.
SADNESS. Many of our children are deeply sad about not living what they once knew as a normal existence. Each age group has a unique lived experience of the pandemic -- particularly kids who have lost family members to the disease and are feeling grief on top of their personal sadness.
Some parents and professionals profess that some age groups have it “easier” than others. I maintain that for every age group -- the pandemic comes with consequences.
· Babies and toddlers aren’t vaccine-eligible, so they’re more vulnerable to the disease. What’s worse, a recent study indicates that children who recover from COVID-19 are may be at “significantly higher risk of developing diabetes.”
· Pre-schoolers moored at home lose out on learning social skills that help them meet developmental milestones
· Starting school on screens puts kindergartners and young learners at a disadvantage
· Tweens are living the roller coaster of the pandemic at the same time they’re experiencing fluctuating emotions and hormones with the onset of puberty
· More and more teens are facing perilous repercussions, including the risk of alcohol and drug use, depression and suicidal ideation.
WORRY. Any parent who believes they’re successfully shielding their kids from adult pandemic anxieties should think again. Children, especially hyper-vigilant ones, are keenly attuned to the impact of remote work pressures, upset childcare plans, even finances on their parents. And when children see the pressure on parents intensifying, they tend to imagine the worst.
I’m not convinced that our kids’ worries about how they’re doing vis a vis their peers is any worse because of COVID, but they certainly have less resources to stave it off. Tweens and teens worry about what their peers think of them; how they’re being seen; if they’re being judged; if they’re “cool” enough; how they’re performing in school. It can be endless. And thanks to social media, they have little escape from the constant comparing. Back in my day, I seldom knew if my school chums were going to a party I wasn’t invited to. Now that social media makes all things transparent, FOMO and the worry around social standing is rampant.
FEAR. An older friend of mind recalls with striking detail how frightened she was in 7th grade about the threat of nuclear war. Kids today have fears like that in spades. The never-ending pandemic. Parents and grandparents dying from COVID. Increased school shootings. The dizzying pace of climate disasters. The worst political divisiveness in generations. Continuing racial injustice.
With younger kids, fear can come out in their dreams or via “the monster under the bed.” Because teens and college-aged kids can more readily appreciate the impact on their futures, they can feel powerless as well as fear about the many looming crises that will fall in their laps.
STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH KIDS BIG EMOTIONS.
1. Continue to normalize emotions -- positive and negative alike. Constantly teach your children about the range of human emotions and how to handle them. (HINT: Hope for Hurting Kids has a great chart with emotion icons.)
2. Validate, validate, validate. Kids need to understand they’re entitled to all their feelings. After fully addressing their feelings, help them see and take advantage of the things that are in their control.
3. Don’t minimize or try to talk your kids out of their feelings. Parents know that there’s no big difference between the yellow cup and the red cup, but to a 2-year-old, it can be a big deal. Same goes for a teen’s disastrous haircut or lost game.
4. Share your feelings with your kids -- just do so age-appropriately. Don’t let them think adults are immune to emotions or their impact.
5. Regulate your own emotional responses and model that for your kids. When you err and unleash your big emotions on your kids, demonstrate what it looks like to repair relationships by being accountable.
PRACTICAL TIPS WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE DYSREGULATED
1. Create a quiet space in the house to serve as a comforting and safe space when your kids are overwhelmed by their emotions; just be sure it’s not punitive.
2. Teach them about deep breathing, and join them in a breath or too when their emotions start to intensify. You might also download a mindfulness and meditation app designed for kids, and join them in a regular practice.
3. Encourage them to put their feelings into words -- and to ask for help.
4. Put down your phone and give them and their feelings your undivided attention.
5. Offer a hug and a cuddle -- or “space” if that’s what they need.
What should parents do when the strategies (which are not magic wands, of course) don’t work? Try and try again! Learning new skills take time and practice. Until your kids have a big enough arsenal of strategies that work for them, learning to manage big emotions can be trial and error.
And remember, if you recast your kids’ sometimes out-sized expression of feelings as an opportunity to connect with them, you’re more than halfway there.
Stay tuned to my Instagram and FaceBook pages for some parent-focused help on handling BIG emotions!