Long before I became a parenting coach, I was the go-to mom, the person friends called when they had questions about how to handle various situations with their kids. Part of this was due to my professional work as an educator and child development specialist, but mostly, people just responded to my values-driven, kid-focused, parent-respecting take on raising children.
For this month’s blog post, I’ve selected a few questions I’ve been asked recently that have broad applicability to parents everywhere. If you have a question you’d like answered in a future blog post, email me at mailto:danahirtparenting@gmail.com Alternatively, if you are looking for help assessing a current challenge and coming up with creative solutions, sign up for Single Strategy Session via my website. This parenting education / consultation-based format will address a specific issue or situation you are facing.
Q: My son was recently home for spring break, but we barely saw him! He was with his friends most of the time and didn’t spend any meaningful time with the family. I’ve been alternately disappointed and angry. What do I do?
The first thing I would advise any parent in this situation is to tend to your feelings of disappointment and anger. Talk it out with your co-parent, friends, a therapist; do whatever it takes to acknowledge and accept your feelings. They are absolutely valid.
The second suggestion? Let it go. Consider this a failed spring-break experiment. Rather than ruminating on what went wrong, put your energy and focus on what parameters you’re going to put in place for your son’s summer back at home.
I’m not suggesting you don’t tell your son that you were looking forward to his visit because you miss him when he’s away -- and even that you were disappointed by what transpired. But do so in the context of a two-way conversation about what the summer break will look like.
Such a “reset mindset” gives parents of college-aged kids an opportunity to think through what you want and need when your child comes home from college in a few months Take the time to establish your expectations, as well as think about what’s reasonable from your young adult’s perspective (after all, they’ve been successfully living at college without parental intervention). Then have a conversation with your kid to co-construct how you will live together this summer.
The plan you come up with needs to be fair to both parties. It’s inappropriate to think your college-aged kids won’t want to see their friends. Plus, they’ll likely have a job and will need some downtime. So, establish certain must-haves such as “family dinner every Monday; family vacation 3rd week of July; attend at least 2 soccer games of your little sister per month; lend a hand with household chores” then give your young adult some breathing room.
Here’s a few final Dos and Don’ts:Don’t presume kids knows what parents need and expect if it’s not communicated to themDon’t ascribe ill intentions to their behavior; college-aged kids are a bit wired to think of themselvesDo encourage them to share their wants and needs, too; honoring theirs will predispose them to honoring yours
Q: My 6-year-old doesn’t want to share with her little sister. Do I make her?
Let’s face it: sharing is hard for kids. And to be expected. From a developmental perspective, it’s unrealistic for parents to expect that a “good” (older) child would naturally want to share…or that not getting something they want is easy for little ones to handle.
With those facts in mind, here’s a solid strategy for parents. First, acknowledge your little one’s feelings rather than simply trying to distract them with a different shiny object. Let them know that you see how much they want their sister’s toy, for example, and how frustrating it must be not to get it. Once they feel seen and heard, it’s time to intervene on your older child’s behalf.
Let her know that it’s okay to not want to share everything with her younger sibling. One way to do that is to help all your kids understand that everyone in the family is allowed to have things that are theirs and theirs alone. It’s equally important to teach that sharing is a good thing and that we need to respect other people’s personal belongings.
Be mindful that the end game is not to avoid a toddler meltdown at all costs -- especially if that includes shaming the older child. It’s not always fair or appropriate to say, “You have to share” or “Just give the kid your toy; what’s the big deal?”
If the item in question isn’t a private one, perhaps suggest that each kid get a turn (a kitchen timer works great). And as always, rewarding the behaviors you’re teaching -- respecting other’s property; sharing; taking turns -- will go a long way toward reinforcing the values you’re working to impart.
Q: My husband’s folks make comments and offer unsolicited advice that make me feel like I am a bad parent. How do I handle this?
The first question to be answered is this: Where’s your partner in all of this? After all, they’re his parents. Job one is to make sure you and your partner are aligned. Most likely your approach to parenting is in sync, but make sure he understands how his parents’ comments are affecting you. What you need first and foremost is your partner’s understanding and support.
Now for the in-laws. Parenting is much, much different than it was when they were parents, and they may be having a hard time accepting your approach to child-rearing or their perceived lack of agency. Maybe they’re just being intrusive. No matter the reason, however, they’ve had their opportunity to raise kids; now is your time.
As with many family upsets, I typically counsel to presume good intent. My guess is your mother- and father-in-law love their grandchildren, and they likely think their comments are helpful. What your husband and you need to do is help them become aware of how they’re comments are negatively impacting you and to set appropriate limits about feedback from them.
Conversations like these don’t have to be painful, but they can be tough. Start with the positive. Let them how happy you are that they love their grandkids so much. Tell them that you appreciate their intent, but that their comments tend to make you feel badly. Let them know that you are parenting in line with yourvalues and that you’d like their support.
If they ask for specific advice on how to turn things around, suggest they simply ask questions like “How would you like me to help?” If they mess up, as they’re likely to do, gently remind them of how their comments affect you.
Naturally, it’s best if your husband takes the lead with his parents and advocates for you. But not everyone is capable of that. If that’s the case, continue to speak up for yourself and do what you can to not take their comments personally.
Q: I’m about to have my second child, and I want my 2½-year-old to be out of diapers before his sibling is born. Is this the right time to potty train?
Whenever a parent asks me about potty training, I respond with the same question: “Are YOU ready?” Potty training, as parents who have been through it know, is not for folks in a rush. Nor is it a one-and-done activity. It requires a lot of time and ongoing vigilance from parents (“It looks like he’s about to poop! Make a beeline for the bathroom!”)
I understand that some parents don’t love the idea of two kids in diapers, but having a toddler newly out of diapers without a lot of practice “holding it” until they make it to the bathroom can be even more challenging when it’s added to the rigors (and sleep deprivation) of caring for a newborn.
There are also developmental issues to consider. Typically, when a child is ready to potty train, they signal it by staying dryer longer or talking about wanting “big-kid underpants,” for example. If none of those signs are happening, then it’s not fair to compel a child to make such a big step. And if you force potty training, the regression that sometimes occurs when a first-born loses his “only” status could put him back in diapers for a time.
To me, this mom’s question wasn’t so much about her toddler’s readiness to potty train as her readiness for and anxieties about having a second child.
Moms often have a host of anxieties about baby #2. Will I love my second as much as I love my firstborn? What if it’s another difficult birth? How will I be able to take care of a toddler, a newborn and go back to a career I love? Most moms eventually find that their worst fears don’t come to pass. In the meantime, I encourage getting all the support they need from friends, therapists, coaches and others.