At this time of year, I suspect your to-do list is more overflowing than ever. I get it. Mine is too. Actually, it was.
In a recent Instagram post, I shared my decision that this holiday season I would focus on the people and activities that have meaning and moment and are aligned with my values. Not surprisingly, these types of things seldom have anything to do with list-making or gift-buying.
In that spirit, I’m inviting you to prioritize what matters most to many parents: family. It’s a 3-step inventory for people who parent together – in every family configuration. The inventory is designed to help take stock of your personal parenting experience, assess wins and challenges in 2023, and determine the areas in which you want to put your energies and efforts during the coming year.
Above all, know this: What I offer is a parent-friendly inventory. Stock-taking doesn’t have to be laborious or self-defeating. Keep your focus on the big picture, not the nitty gritty details.
This approach focuses sequentially on you both as individuals…as partners in parenting…and as a family unit.
Step 1.
Start with yourself. That means each parent makes time for a personal self-assessment. This gives you an opportunity to reflect on your feelings about your parenting this year from your unique perspective. Assessing your strengths, areas for growth and remembering a few favorite memories prepares you for inventory-taking as a couple. Here are some questions to help you organize your thoughts:
· How am I feeling about my parenting?
o Was the year a hot mess or generally good?
o What were some of my big parenting successes?
o When did I feel the most confident in my parenting?
o If I felt challenged by one child more than others, how did that play out?
o Am I harboring any resentments toward the other parent or our kids?
o Am I stressed or overwhelmed in certain areas?
· How am I feeling about the division of labor including parenting, emotional load, and household concerns?
· How would I assess my self-care in 2023? Can I identify a few ways I can take even better care of myself next year?
· Do I feel I have a good balance between myself as an individual and my multiple roles as partner, parent, worker, friend and community member? If not, what needs to change?
Once your personal inventories are completed, schedule a mutually convenient time for the next phase of the process.
Step 2.
Have a joint conversation. This step is all about sharing how you are feeling in and about your parenting partnership. Having taken an honest look at yourselves in step one, you’ll be much better prepared to approach this conversation with equanimity. This is also a great time to acknowledge the contributions of your partner.
These questions may help guide your discussion:
Probably the most vital discussion point at this stage is to verbalize and recommit to the values around which you make your parenting decisions.
o Are we in sync about what our parenting values are and how we work to instill them in our children?
o Are we moving our kids and our family toward the same goals?
o Are we prioritizing our relationship above all else? Where might we improve?
o How are we doing as a parenting partnership?
o Are we reactively parenting according to our own upbringings/expectations?
o If we come from different cultures, are we adequately valuing the unique contributions from our families of origin?
o How are our children doing?
o Are any of them at the precipice of a new developmental stage?
o What might some of their changing needs be and how can we address them?
o How have we helped them grow in terms of their resilience, self-acceptance and responsibility to the family unit?
o How are our pivoting skills when things in our family don’t go as planned?
Step 3.
Call in the kids. Yes - it’s time to include your kids in the inventory. While this isn’t about them “grading” your parenting, the metaphor is apt in that you are asking them to share their experience of your parenting. Your children’s perspective is extremely relevant. This is also an opportunity to reinforce the notion of the centrality of family: ‘We are all in this together’. Here’s a suggested framework for this all-important family meeting:
o To start off, share the highlights of your discussion. It’s a beautiful opportunity to be thoughtful and intentional about how you see your family life.
o Ask your kids what it felt like to be part of the family this year. Do they feel seen, included and connected? Do they recognize the important role they play in family life?
o What were the highs and lows?
o If they are struggling with anything, ask them to share what specific kinds of support would be most helpful to them in the future.
o Give them an opportunity to ask questions about your parenting style and decisions, as well as any suggestions they have for improving the family dynamic.
The inventory wouldn’t be complete without inviting everyone to share their favorite and funny family memories of 2023. At the end of this process, you will have codified another year of your family narrative – as well as given everyone the gift of a fresh start in the new year.