When kids are little, parents get to witness up close their tremendous capacity for learning and growth and delight. Our joy often arises spontaneously, and we feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of parenting those amazing little beings.
As children grow and face normal developmental challenges, parenting can feel rocky as we watch our kids react with frustration or anxiety at milestones not yet mastered. But as long as we stay tethered to our values and use them to guide our decision-making, we can find reasons to be grateful during these times, too, particularly when we see evidence of our kids meeting their difficulties with resolve and determination.
No question, it’s easy to feel grateful when life is good and parenting feels manageable.
But what about those times when, as parents, we’re challenged to navigate an extremely difficult time in a child’s life? It’s one thing to feel grateful when a rocky time is in the rearview mirror. But how can we possibly feel gratitude when we’re in the middle of the maelstrom?
According to Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., considered the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, “not only will a grateful attitude help – it is essential. In fact,” he says, “it is precisely under crisis conditions when we have the most to gain by a grateful perspective on life.”
Perspective is the operative word here. Parents are human beings first, so when a child is troubled, it’s perfectly normal to find oneself caught up in a spiral of despair, anxiety or fear. Naturally, it’s ludicrous to tell a parent they ought to feel grateful that their child is in crisis. Pollyannaish to encourage a parent to look for the silver lining in a dire situation. What’s not so outlandish is to encourage ourselves -- or our parent-friends facing tough times -- to look for opportunities for gratitude within the ordeal. Think of it as tossing ourselves a metaphoric life raft when we feel like we’re drowning. Here are some ideas:
Identify an opportunity for personal growth.
Even when it feels like it’s all you can do to muster through another day, try setting a goal for yourself. For example, how might you strengthen your resilience so you’re better able to function in your daily life? While it might seem counterintuitive, developing a new emotional (or physical) muscle can increase our overall sense of effectiveness for weathering tough times with grace.
Make time to practice gratitude.
Getting good at anything, including gratitude, takes practice. Research has shown that keeping a gratitude journal is a valuable tool for increasing our resilience and contentment. So take a few minutes each day to document your gratitude. Be sure to write down the wins – even the small ones – within the struggle. Even something as seemingly benign as “I’m grateful for the opportunity to face tomorrow better than I did today” is worth documenting.
Increase your focus on self-compassion and self-care.
When parenting is at its hardest and our kids are suffering, it can be extremely difficult to think we’re doing anything well. After all, if we were better parents, surely our child wouldn’t be struggling, right?
Instead of shaming ourselves, Dr. Kristen Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, invites us to do three things instead: treat ourselves with the same kindness we’d extend to a suffering friend; recognize that tough times are part of the human condition; and hold our thoughts and feelings with mindfulness vs self-judgment.
Notice what is (or isn’t) working.
It can be tough to articulate gratitude when it feels as if life is falling apart, but calling out even the smallest of wins is critical. Let’s say you met a new challenge with equanimity rather than reactivity. Seems insignificant, perhaps, but taking the time to recognize what you have done right helps you pinpoint what works so you can repeat it. In fact, even if you merely identify what doesn’t work – you’ve achieved something substantial! Don’t let these small shifts go unnoticed.
Be vulnerable.
Let your trusted friends know what’s going on, especially if you’re the go-to parent your friends always come to for parenting advice. Open up, share your pain, and let yourself be cared for by them. Being seen and responded to helps grow our empathy for ourselves and parents in similar situations. Best yet, the care of loving friends gives you one more item to note with gratitude.