No two people parent the same way and no couple is immune to challenges in co-parenting their child/children. We all bring our personal experience of being parented to the job and we have different priorities, values, cultural experiences, etc. Yet, we need to learn ways to communicate, share authentically and compromise in order to co-parent effectively. This is even more true when navigating separation and/or divorce, but it is relevant in every family. Being married does not mean that the two of you share one approach to raising children. Learning better communication skills insures healthier collaboration, greater support and affirmation AND increases the odds of positive outcomes.
Here are some key strategies for being a better listener and better communicator with your co-parent.
Lead with curiosity. Being curious rather than combative about your co-parent’s perspective and intention can have a profound effect – both on your tone and on your co-parent’s receptivity. True curiosity helps both parties explore what is driving their actions. As a result, it’s easier to share one’s intention without getting stuck in a defensive posture.
Use non-judgmental language. When we use language that presumes we are right and our co-parent is wrong, we eliminate safety and shut down the free flow of information. Best to use language that is neutral and expresses the idea that you are hearing your partner’s point of view rather than judging it.
Take a parental time out. Even if your kids have a great sense of urgency about a decision to be made (and they typically will!), it doesn’t have to become an emergency for you and your co-parent. It can be helpful to say, “I’m going to need some time to think about that and I want the opportunity to talk to your mom/dad about it, too.”
Or, when discussing something with your co-parent and a contentious situation emerges, feel free to pause the conversation. Speak up if you feel defensive, attacked or mistrustful and take a break. Most things aren’t crises and don’t require immediate resolution. It’s easier to revisit a decision if you don’t let things escalate in the moment.
Assume good intentions. Try to maintain compassion for yourself and your co-parent. It’s easy to blame the other adult in the room when things are challenging, but the two of you are a team and share a common goal of what is best for the kids. For some divorced people, compassion for our ex-spouse may not come easily or naturally, but it can be developed. Dr. Kristen Neff, the seminal researcher in the field of self-compassion, believes compassion for ourselves as parents is key.
Ask for what you need. Trying to read someone’s mind about what they need or want is fruitless. The same goes for asking for what you want and need. Be as explicit with your co-parent as necessary. For example, if you want to share some information about the kids but aren’t looking for feedback or a “solution,” say so.
Getting our needs met also extends to self-care. There will be times when one or the other of you will need a break from the kids – even if it’s not your scheduled time for one. Being honest about your needs and receptive to your co-parent’s means you’ll both be better able to be your best.
Fight fairly. This means no name-calling and no blaming. Period. Co-parents are on the same team and ultimately, collaboration is key. Remember, arguing about what’s best for the kids is a sign of your commitment to them; if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t bother fighting for what you think best serves them. Don’t fear disagreements. Just make sure that if the kids witnessed your argument, they also witness the resolution and repair.
Check-in. Make a joint commitment to check-in with your co-parent to catch each other up. Even if you are living in the same house, it’s important to prioritize these moments of connection and re-establishing getting aligned. If you are separated or divorced, this may be daily when kids are little and there is a lot of coordination, and it may be less frequent at other moments. Ensuring you’re on the same page on a regular basis pays dividends in the long run.
Feel free to reach out to schedule a session to set you and your co-parent up for success. It’s never too late to do it better.