Back-to-school season brought to mind the posts I’ve written to help families cope with this exciting and challenging life event, from 5 Essentials for ‘Back to School’ Success” to last year’s post-pandemic “Back to School 3.0.” As I often tell clients, it really doesn’t matter what grade your kids are entering: Going back to school each Fall is a significant transition for everyone!
And with big transitions come BIG emotions.
Big emotions, as you know, are natural for kids of all ages (and for adults, too!). That’s why before we attend to our child facing emotional dysregulation—it’s super critical for parents to regulate their own affect first.
Here’s some advice in the spirit of putting on your oxygen mask before helping others. As long as everyone is safe, there’s absolutely no harm in walking away from a screaming child to calm yourself down before engaging. When we feel emotionally triggered by a kid temporarily carried away by big emotions, it can make us feel out of control or impotent to the handle the situation. And chances are high that if both parent and child are dysregulated, they will spiral down together, making the upset harder to regulate and repair.
The first parental order of business is to take a deep breath (or three) and remind your rational brain that:
· Take a moment to attend to your own emotional experience before engaging with a dysregulated child
· Big emotions are natural…and
· You’re fully capable of being the compassionate and empathic adult your kids need
Now to supporting the child.
The most important thing we can do for our kids in the face of big emotions is to validate, validate, validate. Healthy kids need to learn that all emotions are safe and welcome. Recognizing and honoring the validity of their feelings sends the message that you love all of them. As parents, our job is to support our kids, give them space to articulate what’s going on inside, avoid shaming them at all costs, and help them learn developmentally appropriate techniques for dealing with powerful feelings when they arise.
I say, let your kids express whatever is going on with them – so long as it is age-appropriate and safe. Young kids may not intuitively know what to do in the moment when they’re overcome. Reading stories about feelingsand how to handle them is a great way to introduce your little ones to the topic. Knowing what your kids need is essential, too. For example, some children may want the reassurance and closeness of a hug, while others may need space and privacy to get their bearings back.
Teach and practice a variety of self-regulation skills with your kids so they eventually become helpful tools. Demonstrate how throwing stuffed animals, hitting a pillow, or running around the block are good techniques for dissipating angry feelings. A daily family practice of meditation and mindfulness can make “Take a few deep breaths” a go-to cue at the start of or in the middle of a meltdown. Even something as simple as counting to 10 (or 100) can be surprisingly effective for quieting oneself down.
Co-constructing to problem solve the “what to do when I feel X” is extremely effective once a child is a bit older. Guide your children to think about what actions they might take when they feel super sad or super whatever. This approach gives your child agency over his responses – and makes learning that much more effective. If your child isn’t sure what to do, normalize their feelings by relating your own experiences. Share a story of how you managed your frustration by noting the cues in your body (racing heartbeat, e.g.) and then retreating to your room to calm down. Fortunately, with practice, kids get increasingly able to handle big feelings and can self-regulate more effectively.
Not surprisingly, things don’t often go as smoothly as we’d like. Let’s say your 14-year-old daughter is dysregulated – and she’s being disrespectful. That’s the time to help her identify her feelings and offer your support with something like “I see that you are really upset about X, and I am here to help you calm down so we can talk about it.” If she, in classic teenage fashion, storms off to her room and slams the door, don’t follow her. As I often tell clients, parents don’t have to participate in every fight we’re invited to!
But when children express their feelings by hitting others or breaking things, it’s time to assert your parental authority by disciplining the behavior without withdrawing your support for the feelings. In fact, in these moments of extreme escalation and dysregulation, your child’s thinking brain has likely gone off-line, which makes them doubly in need of your help.
Children aren’t the only ones to “lose it,” of course. Parents are also capable of melting down. The silver lining is that there’s no better opportunity to model how to manage big emotions.
Let’s say one of your kids didn’t do their chores, and you lost your temper and screamed at them. When you’ve calmed down, revisit the interaction, and discuss what you could have done different in the moment. But be clear that apologizing for your behavior doesn’t give them a pass for not doing their chores. You could say something like, “I’m very sorry I lost my temper. I was so mad about you ignoring your chores, and when you refused to cooperate, I lost it. I’m going to keep working on regulating my emotions in moments like these, because no matter how angry I may feel, screaming at people is not okay in our family. And you still need to finish all your chores.”
Here's one practice I highly recommend each time your child is faced with coping with big feelings: Circle back. Follow up every episode of emotional dysregulation with a conversation when everyone is calm. Circling back is essential in several ways. It helps you:
· Acknowledge the positive steps your child took in the face of big feelings
· Reassert that there is no shame in having an emotional upset, and
· If things didn’t go particularly well, generate (and practice) a list of safe options that could be helpful the next time big feelings arise.
Every member in the family benefits from acknowledgment and the opportunity for recovery and repair