To weather the inevitable storms of parenting, I’m a huge believer in parents developing a “village” -- a circle of supportive friends, families and others you can turn to regularly to share the joys and stresses of parenting. There’s just no substitute for a built-in community of adults who share your values and approach to raising kids.
Our children (of all ages) need their village, too! Friends are much more than just someone for our kids to play with or occupy them when we have a task we want to accomplish without interruption.
Our kid’s friends have some incredible roles to play. Friends are:
· Essential to children’s psychological development
· Instrumental for the development of social skills
· A support system in times of need
· A means to create a sense of belonging, helping kids feel seen and understood by someone other than the adults in their lives
And friends are increasingly essential for teens as they navigate the developmental imperative of differentiation.
Given the power and value of your kids’ friendships, you might appreciate some Dos and Don’ts for helping kids in this area.
DO…
Listen when your kid comes to you with a friend problem. Be empathic. Ask follow-up questions so you can get as much context and clarity about the issue as possible.
Empower your kids to repair and strengthen their own friendships. Co-create and role-play some possible solutions to the conflict. Becoming adept at listening to another’s point of view in the process of resolving conflict is a superpower at every age!
Share your perspective by reframing friendship problems (or drama) as both a natural occurrence -- and an opportunity to deepen one’s relationship. Tell your own friendship stories, which lets your kids know they aren’t alone.
Model what healthy friendships look like. Don’t talk meanly or critically about your friends behind their backs, for starters. Point out examples of good friendships not just in life, but in books, on TV and in other media.
Befriend your kids’ friends. Host play dates and other age-appropriate gatherings often. Be gracious and welcoming when friends come to your home. Invite them to join your family for meals. Offer to carpool to games or the mall and chaperone school events so you can better get to know their friends. (The latter is a singular opportunity to listen in covertly.)
Follow-up. A day or two after a report of a conflict, circle back with your child to see how things are going with their friend. If things are back to normal, see if you can help them reflect on what happened that led to resolution. If the problem persists, let them know you are there for them as they continue to work things out
Get to know the parents, especially of friends with whom your kids have the most contact. When problems arise that would benefit from parental intervention, you’ll already have a relationship in place as a starting point.
Keep safety in mind. If your child is going to a friend’s home for the first time, don’t shy away from calling the parents to find out who will be there to supervise…what are the rules regarding internet access…are there any pets in the house…are their guns in the house, etc. Provide them the same info about your household.
DON’T…
Shame your child if they don’t have as many friends as their peers. Keeping their unique temperament in mind, encourage play dates with a child they feel comfortable with. Sign them up for a class or activity where they’ll meet like-minded kids. Make your home a safe and inclusive place where everyone feels welcome. Above all, don’t force your friend’s same-age kids on them; friendships are born of attraction, not arrangement.
Ignore any story your child tells you about feeling “not ok” or unsafe with a friend or in a friend’s home. Gently follow up to get as many details as possible and intervene as necessary. Ensure your child knows they can always come home; even older kids can be given a text code that alerts you to their desire for extraction.
Make assumptions that paint your child as either the victim or the bully in any friend conflict. Be sure you understand both the facts and the subtleties of the situation. If your child is being bullied or you suspect so, talk to teachers or coaches to gather additional information that you’ll need to intervene.
Rush in and problem-solve. When parents swoop in at every friendship hiccup, you disadvantage your child. Even if they stumble, it’s important for kids to learn how to approach and solve problems in all types of relationships. It’s a skill they’ll need throughout life.
Be afraid to question, especially older kids, about where they’re going and who will be there. While they’ll likely act as if you’re prying, reiterate your values about keeping your children safe. Establish a no-questions-asked strategy so kids know they can call you when they need to extricate themselves from an unsafe situation.
Nothing about parenting is as simple as DO this and DON’T do that, but it’s good to have some basic guidelines in your pocket. Kids will have friendship “stuff” at every age.