How our kids interact with screens has been a top concern of parents since digital devices first became part of modern life.
Worries range from safety and security to disinformation and from delayed social maturation to excessive gaming and digital distraction. A recent study by the Pew Research Center confirmed what every parent experienced firsthand during the pandemic: a dramatic increase in screentime among kids; as much as 68% from March 2020 to April 2021 alone.
As a parenting coach, I regularly hear about digital distress. And many parents feel at sea about how to truly help kids leverage the possibilities of digital and avoid the pitfalls -- beyond switching on parental controls. Fortunately, there are several credible and knowledgeable experts on the topic from whom parents can learn about behavioral interventions and best practices for teaching kids to make good choices when using technology. (see links below).
From an intentional parenting perspective, parents need to be models for kids on how to be “screen-wise” – with the focus on mentoring, not monitoring.
As with all the value messages parents aim to impart, our kids’ best learning comes not from long-winded lectures or punishment for flagrant infractions – but from our modeling of healthy behavior online. For example:
· Are we 100% present with our kids when we’re with them – at the park, during meals, on vacation, during playtime -- or are we overtly or covertly engaged with our phones?
· Do we have limits for our own social media / device use?
· What would an audit of your phone say about your values?
· Do we regularly share real-life, age-appropriate information with our kids so they can weigh that against what they read online?
· How often do we curate and share stories with our kids about folks (of all ages) getting outed, censured and cancelled because of social media, so our kids know the mistakes to avoid?
· How curious are we about our kids’ day-to-day experiences online, particularly around the digital relationships they’re developing?
· Do we role-play online pitfalls and co-create solutions?
· When our kids do err (and they will), how do we keep the situation from becoming catastrophic?
· Are we teaching our children good digital citizenship, including how to be a discerning fact-checker…how to collaborate, create and share online… and how to stay safe?
· How often do we schedule a complete digital hiatus (for an hour, an afternoon or a day) as a way of demonstrating the value of those opportunities to connect with ourselves, each other, and/or nature?
One area where I do think monitoring is relevant is if you see signs that your child’s love of all things digital has veered over the line. While experts vary on whether “internet addiction” is real, there are plenty of resources to make ensure your kids are okay. If you notice their inability to self-limit use, withdrawal from family and real-world friends, increased moodiness or secrecy and deception about phone use, then it’s likely time for a professional evaluation.
The digital world is ripe with possibility for creativity and collaboration – and your children will forever be a part of it. For the best results, make sure their earliest years in this new realm are grounded in your parenting values.
As promised, here are the top three resources I recommend on the topic of parenting digital natives:
Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World by Devorah Heitner, PhD
Dr. Heitner’s comprehensive book offers practical information and advice for all parents eager to navigate the realities of our digital world with more confidence and less fear. It is complemented by her Phonewise Bootcamp for parents.
24/6: Giving Up Screen One Day a Week to Get More Time, Creativity and Connection by Tiffany Shlain
Shlain’s beautiful book offers an opportunity to find balance for yourselves and your kids. After reading this book, I was empowered to be intentional around how we as a family allowed technology to both intrude into and enrich our lives and our relationships.
The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology: Practical Advice on Smartphones, Gaming and Social Media in Just 40 Pages by Joshua Wayne
This straightforward handbook can help parents clarify the rules about technology that work for their family, create contracts, and troubleshoot obstacles.