While most of us accept the inevitable hustle and bustle (and inherent complications) of year-end festivities, it’s noteworthy that families that have experienced divorce face an addedlayer of challenge. Kids, especially those newly adjusting to separation and divorce, may still be in the throes of mourning the loss of a parent and the upset to the seasonal traditions they had once happily anticipated.
Here is the holiday edition of divorced and dating dos and don’ts.
DO…Put Your Kids First. Most parents who divorce spent months thinking about and adjusting to the idea of it before they eventually broke the news to their kids. So, while youmay be ready to move on with your life, your kids need time to grieve the loss of the only family they’ve known. As they adapt to their new lives and multiple households, be especially mindful about any decision -- dating or otherwise -- that could potentially derail their adjustment to their new normal.
DO…Be Honest (But Not Transparent). Once you’re ready to start dating, go ahead and begin – but don’t announce it to your kids; odds are they’re not as ready as you are. If they are curious and inquire, use their question as a opportunity to clarify what they’re concerned about (e.g., “I’m afraid you’re trying to replace daddy!”). Reassure them that you hear them and promise them you won’t be bringing anyone into the home until you are serious about someone who you believe will be the right fit for the whole family. Remember that being honest does not mean sharing everything; respect boundaries and consider what is age appropriate.
DO…Establish your “Must-Haves” and “Can’t Tolerates.” Before you start looking for partners, get clear about the qualities and traits that you’re looking for – and looking to avoid. Do some real soul-searching here so you don’t simply create an anything-but-ex list as a default.
DO…Tell Friends and Colleagues You’re Ready to Date. Online dating may be the most modern approach, but it’s not the only way to meet people. Ask trusted friends and colleagues to set you up with their single friends that meet your criteria.
DO…Lock Your Phone. Up until this point, your kids may have had ready access to your phone. Once you start dating, it’s time to keep your private life private. Kids don’t need to find out that daddy is dating by seeing his dating app or reading the volley of texts between him and a partner. If they push back against the change in access, be clear and unapologetic with your adult boundaries.
DO…Be 100% Present for Your Kids. This is uber-critical. As fun and titillating as it can be to constantly text someone you’re seeing, kids will pick up on your distractedness. Likewise, if you’ve had someone over during your weekend without the kids, be sure to put away everything that points to someone else in the house before the kids return. When you’re with them, be with them.
DON’T…Date Your Kids’ Teachers or Coaches. This can be tougher in smaller communities vs large cities, but it’s important to keep other adults in your children’s lives out of your dating pool. Let your kids have their private spaces, too.
DON’T…Be Disrespectful of Your Ex. Don’t blindside your ex, no matter how you parted. You don’t want your 7-year-old twins revealing they met your new partner before your ex has had time to hear the news. Consider offering your ex the opportunity to meet your new partner. After all, this other adult will be sharing the responsibility for your kids’ well-being. If you’re on the receiving end of the news, be gracious. And never, ever bad-mouth your ex’s new partner in front of the kids.
DON’T…Rush to Introduce your New Squeeze to the Kids. Date someone you feel could be a potential partner for a minimum of 4-6 months before your kids even know he or she exists! Remember, your kids need lots of time to process the divorce and let go of the fantasy that mom and dad might get back together.
DON’T…Meet Your Partner’s Kids Too Early, Either. Keep your dating life and family life separate for as long as possible. Newly divorced dads, especially, can be anxious to include a “mommy presence” in the lives of their kids. Be intentional about time for yourself…time for your dating relationship…and time for your kids.
DON’T RUSH…ANYTHING! Don’t rush into dating. Into sex. Into moving in together. Into marriage. While you may miss the companionship of a shared life, there is no urgency to recouple. Protect time alone with your kids, even after they’ve met your intended and s/he’s a part of their lives. Your children need you to be their parent – first and foremost and always.