As I shared in last month’s post, there probably is not enough overt discussion between parents about how to divvy up the voluminous responsibilities of parenting and maintaining a household. Even if the everyday jobs of cooking, cleaning, carpooling and child-care are equally shared (or outsourced), parenting requires a huge amount of thinking, planning and strategizing that’s well-supported by research evidence.
No parent configuration is immune. Disparity can occur whether you’re in a hetero, same-sex or other family configuration. The answer to finding equilibrium – like most problems between parents – is communication.
Before I launch into why such conversations are so vital and what they entail, let me delineate a few caveats:
· Equanimity – not parity – is the goal
· There is often one parent who shoulders more of the load and/or takes over certain duties because they’re simply better at them
· Even if one partner believes they are doing their fair share, if the other feels resentful, overwhelmed or burdened by their workload, then there’s an imbalance that needs to be addressed
· In some families, partners agree that one parent will be the primary load-carrier and care-giver; if that works for both parties, great
As with most parenting challenges, communication is key to resolving an imbalance. But first let me share the “why.”
Sharing the physical (bedtime; meal preparation; carpooling), emotional (extending support; being available) and mental (keeping track of schedules/homework; meal planning; summer activities) weight of parenting is in the couple’s and the family’s best interest. Distributing the workload not only strengthens the partnership, it models for kids how adults communicate to find solutions to problems. It’s also vital because without an agreed-upon division of labor, resentment in an over-functioning parent can become a malignancy that can build and contaminate a marriage.
Now to the “how.”
As a parenting coach, I see three components to the conversation.
Acknowledge the problem and commit to work towards change.
These two actions are critical to finding a workable solution. Assumption-making and mind-reading have no place here; create an environment where both partners can share their feelings and ideas openly. Note that some parents may not realize the myriad details that are involved – especially the thinking component – of managing a family. I realize this sounds gendered, but I’ve heard more moms than dads say that if they have to continually provide instructions for what “doing the laundry means,” then she’s still doing the work. So be crystal clear about what each task requires.
Co-construct a solution.
The conversation needs to be explicit, not implicit. A solution mindset is more about honest communication and respect than trying to achieve a perfectly equal division of labor. Remember, there is no right or wrong about how the labor is divided. The only “wrong” is when one parent ends up doing most everything by default or if there are presumptions about what your partner “should” be doing. You’re not setting things in stone so much as clarifying what might work for now. It’s not until you operationalize your solution will you see what works and what doesn’t. Then it’s time for step three.
Make space to talk about reallocating the workload as required. Let’s say a child enters a new developmental stage, gets into trouble of some kind, or has special needs and requires more emotional effort. Or a division of physical labor that was agreed upon is no longer working – for whatever reason. Check in with each other at intervals that work for you to revisit the topic and amend and adapt as conditions change. It can be as simple as “Are we good?” or “Is there anything on your mind we need to talk about?” or “It’s your responsibility to manage after-school time and there’s nothing on the calendar for next week. Do you have a plan?”
When partners talk regularly with one another, they can right the ship quickly when things go awry – which, when it comes to parenting, they inevitably will!