The magnitude of the impact of divorce on children is well documented. Not only do kids often believe (and internalize) that they are the reason their parents are divorcing, but they also worry that if parents can stop loving each other…then mommy and daddy might stop loving them too.
Try to imagine the emotional minefield kids must navigate, given they have zero control and even less emotional resources and reasoning skills. Uncertainty and even fear can be present for kids – especially during the first year or so as everyone adjusts to the new family reality.
That’s precisely why divorcing parents need to agree to prioritize the needs and best interests of the children. As divorcing parents, we need to be constantly aware of how our decisions will affect our children. While it’s impossible to shield children entirely from the impact, it is possible to minimize it by avoiding certain pitfalls and following good parenting practices.
Chief among the pitfalls is never use your children as pawns. It’s not just money and property that can be used as leverage in a divorce. Custody and access to the kids are far-too-often used as bargaining chips. Remember – your kids are watching and listening to everything their parents do and say during this tumultuous time. Make sure what they see and hear align with the values you have been teaching them. The more you protect them and meet their needs first, the better your relationship with them will be in the future.
An equally important practice is don’t use your kids as a sounding board. This isn’t typically an issue when your kids are toddlers, but pre-teens and older kids can be conscripted to listen to your feelings about your ex, the divorce process, or your worries about your future as a single person.
This is most definitely not their job. Even if an older child believes it’s their responsibility to fill the spouse gap, it’s up to you to ensure they remain kids and don’t become a “replacement” for their missing parent. In addition, I encourage clients to be thoughtful about letting kids sleep with them after divorce. While it may feel comforting in the short run, it gives kids the impression that you are not okay and you need them to help you cope with the loss. It can also affirm for them that they are not okay and they need your presence.
Here are a couple “to dos” that help put your children first:
· Educating yourself on the specific emotions and behaviors your kids may experience can prepare you for some feelings and regressive behaviors they may exhibit – and how you can help them.
· Typically, one parent has been thinking about divorce for a long time, but it often comes as a shock your kids. Check in with your children on a regular basis, reaffirming that the divorce was not their fault. Always invite them to share their questions and concerns.
· Another positive practice in support of your kids is to have a quick “synopsis” text or chat with your ex on transition day. When you’re informed about your kids’ activities and any difficulties during their time at your co-parent’s house, you can concentrate on sharing about their fun experiences, as well as following up on any challenges they may have faced while away.
I am not being dismissive of how incredibly tough and hard divorce is. I’ve been there, and I had the same feelings and thoughts of most divorced people. The point is that your difficulties and challenges cannot and must not trump those your kids are facing.
The truth is, after divorce, “most parents have two sets of problems: their adjustment to their own intrapsychic conflicts to their role as a divorced parent.” Fortunately, adults have a host of effective self-care strategies without burdening our children, including individual therapy, support groups for divorced parents, parent coaching, and the support of family and friends.
The one topic I wish I didn’t have to report on is this: There are situations where a parent is divorcing someone who, sadly, doesn’t put the children’s needs and well-being first. While this situation can be immensely challenging, it’s always better for the kids if one parent chooses to not react to bulldozing and doesn’t push back unless the children are in danger.
Divorcing parents will find that being respectful of the other parent’s need, holding your boundaries and especially -- keeping your kids’ feelings and needs in the forefront -- will lead to the best outcome for all.