Saying “please” and “thank-you.” Learning how to share. Apologizing for hurting someone’s feelings.
The values behind these actions that most parents start teaching their kids early on – civility, collaboration, consideration of others – are a few of the primary values psychologists say your child should learn from you by the time they are 5 years old.
But two studies published early this year make it plain that in addition to those values, parents need to put special attention on modeling and teaching even their very young children the notion that all people have equal value – including those who have a different skin color, gender or speak differently – than your kids.
Toss the phrase “national conversation” into the ether these days and it’s abundantly clear you’re referring to the explosion of sexual harassment and sexual assault claims in entertainment, media, politics, and beyond. While the daily reveal of perpetrators has abated somewhat, what hasn’t stopped is the energy driving the conversation, as well as the analyses and proposed remedies by lots of folks.
As a parenting coach and champion of children, however, my interest is singular: How do we turn this national conversation into teachable moments for our kids?
A first pregnancy is both a magical and stressful time for many parents full of anticipation about what lies ahead for themselves and the family they are trying to create. For many expectant parents, being present for and enjoying each phase of pregnancy the first time around can be a remarkable experience. But what about pregnancy number two? Read on for advice for parents and little ones awaiting a new sibling.
I love hacks. Like most busy parents, I’m on board with anything that helps me manage my time and activities more effectively. I’ve learned lots of tricks and tips to stay organized, cut corners, or save time. But all of those hacks are on the micro-level, so for the New Year, I am sharing my macro-level parenting-hacks to make the job more satisfying and the outcomes more desirable.
Parenting Hack #1 – Anchor every decision in your values
Want to make the thousands of parenting decisions you’ll face easier and more effective? Then be sure to adhere to my #1 parenting hack, which also happens to be the foundation of my coaching practice.
The advantage of said values – covering issues like family rules, discipline, education and communications– is that they become your true north, making your decisions nimbler. Remember, the more firmly established and articulated your values, the harder it is to veer from them – particularly when you have to make a decision that’s liable to disappoint.
Tip for prospective parents: Check out my primer on parenting values to help you establish the values that will govern your particular brand of childrearing.
Parenting Hack #2 –Take the long view
It may seem hyperbolic to infer that taking the long view is a shortcut, but in practice, it’s precisely that.
Parenting is hardly a straight line. Your kids and your family will zig and zag in ways you can’t possibly imagine or predict. That’s why it’s important to keep your eyes on the big picture of what you want for your children and how you plan to get them there – so that you can more serenely navigate the many meandering moments without losing sight of your true north.
Taking the long view requires you increase your tolerance for the deviations and the plentiful curves that define parenting in the modern age. Fortunately, that’s a practice made easier by focusing on “What kind of adult do I want my child to become” versus “What grade do I want them to get on the upcoming test?”
Parenting Hack # 3 – Let. It. Go.
The best way to save untold stress and aggravation is to adjust your expectations – sometimes more than you’d prefer.
One mom I’ve coached has twin toddlers who (rightfully) suck up most every second of her day and absolutely every ounce of her energy, leaving her home in disarray. This former neat freak had to reconcile the primary needs of her tots against her preference for a spotless home. Clearly one thing had to go – and it couldn’t be the toddlers.
Was it disappointing? Of course. But when we own the reality of our particular situation, we can see the wisdom of tossing expectations that while important, aren’t central to what we ultimately want for our families. The upside is that everyone breathes a little easier.
Parenting Hack #4 – Don’t lose sight of your perspective
Your age and experience, not to manage your fully developed frontal lobe, makes you the expert on just about everything your children confront. Losing a girlfriend, getting a C, not making first chair in the orchestra. To a kid, such events can feel devastating. You know it’s not the end of the world.
So maintain your perspective. Of course be empathetic and model resilience so the next disappointment is a tad easier to bear. But don’t get caught up in your kid’s calamitous response. That’s not parenting, that’s enmeshment. Getting into the rabbit hole with our kids is a disservice to everyone.
Parenting Hack #5 – Only fight the good fights
The best advice I ever received was to not attend every fight or argument my kids invited me to. As every parent knows (or learns), when it comes to finding an end-run around a rule or just wearing parents down, kids are relentless.
So ignore the sly attempts to renegotiate your parenting decisions ad nauseum. If your decisions are anchored in your values and you’ve communicated that, arguing is moot. So share your decision (no cell phones at the dinner table), set appropriate limits (lights out at 10 pm) – and call it a day.
Now that’s a true shortcut.
Parenting Hack #6 – Take care of yourself
Some parents believe that the sign of a good parent is round-the-clock attentiveness to their kids’ every want and need.
Crisis situations aside, parents who dote excessively on their kids and ignore their own physical, emotional or spiritual renewal don’t just set themselves up for failure and resentment. They pave the way for the development of narcissistic, self-centered offspring.
That’s why I tell every mom and dad who ask me how to cope with the stress and strain of parenting: “You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.”
That’s not to say self-care is easy to accomplish, especially when children are small. But if you and your co-parent are not taking care of your own needs, your ability to be there for your kids when it counts will suffer.
If you’re stumped where to start, consider these self-care tips I shared in one of my early blog posts.
Parenting Hack #7 – Protect the couple
When kids are little, it is easy to focus all of the attention on them and ignore the spouse. Children are demanding and primary care providers can feel exhausted and ‘touched-out’ (little people have no regard for personal space).
My guidance for all parents is to make protecting the couple a core parenting value. Teaching kids they come first is a mistake. Once your kids are ‘grown and flown’ it’ll be just you and your partner. The goal is to launch the children and maintain your marriage.
Parenting Hack #8 – Build a community
Build a community around your children and you create an efficient circle of caring adults willing to go to bat for all the kids in the tribe, yours included. How might you go about it?
· Be a member of groups in which your kids are involved
· Be an advocate and partner at their school
· Be an active member of your religious and/or community organizations
· Create a sense of partnership and collaboration with other parents
Although there is ample confusion about the provenance of the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” it’s decidedly true.
Parenting Hack #9 – Love them
A friend recently shared that when she asked her husband how much he loved her, he answered, “More than you’ll ever know.” At first, it seemed to her a sweetly romantic response. But on reflection, she realized how much he loved her shouldn’t be a mystery! She should have no doubt that he loves and respects her by how he talks to and treats her. And vice versa.
It’s the same with our kids.
What children need from parents most of all is love and acceptance. There shouldn’t be any doubt in their minds about that, regardless of their physical appearance, emotional challenges, academic capacity or reprehensible developmental stage. As amazing as our world is, it can also be a critical and rejecting and dismissive place. That’s why parents must verbalize and demonstrate and model for our kids just how dear they are to us.
