5 Pieces of Advice for Parents of High School Freshman

Sweaty palms and jangled nerves.

Anxiety about navigating a new world.

Intense desires to fit in.

Frenzied fears they won’t.

That’s the emotional terrain most teens traverse as they make their way across the wide expanse from elementary to high school.

It’s a sizable transition by all accounts – social, psychological, academic and physical. The rub is that the transition needs to be experienced… your teen can’t really prepare for it. But as parents, you can help along the way.

That’s why this posts offers guidance on the 5 most relevant and fraught topics your freshman (or freshwoman) will continually face as he or she evolves from an incoming 9th grader to bona fide high schooler. They are, in no particular order:

1.    Drinking and drugs

2.    Making friends

3.    Academic expectations

4.    Romantic relationships

5.    The digital domain

 One caveat: There are no magic solutions or established protocols that will work for every teen in every family. What’s essential is that as parents, you understand your own feelings about these high-stakes high school hurdles. That enables you to make intentional decisions based on your values – and the outcome you want for your child. Then you articulate them again… and again.

Let’s talk teens.

1.    Drinking and drugs.

Personally, my values are that teenagers should not drink or take drugs. My (now grown) kids knew this because I told them – early and often. And the more they heard me say it, the more it was in their head when they were faced with that choice.

Unlike my teenagers, I had the parental gift of perspective and insight, so I shared my knowledge about drugs and alcohol with them, especially regarding the:

·      Difference of the alcohol levels in beer vs. spirits

·      Implications of mixing uppers (like red bull) with downers (alcohol)

·      Difference of the effects of drinking on a 200-pound boy vs. a 100-pound girl

·      Legal consequences of drinking or taking drugs on school property

·      Legal consequences of driving while under the influence

·      Legal implications for me if minors drank in my home

Granted, my telling them all these things didn’t prohibit my children from making their own choices (good and bad), but they absolutely knew what the pitfalls and consequences could be.

Most important, we always had a plan in the event their decisions turned out badly. My kids knew they could call me at any time if they needed a ride. And if they texted me the phrase “911,” that was code for me to rescue them while they could still save face with their friends.

 2.    Making friends.

The headline?  Play dates are over.

 In elementary school you had some say – or at least sway – over your kids’ friends. But in high school, who your teen befriends is no longer up to you.

Big changes are afoot socially. Eighth-graders who were on top of the food chain just 12 weeks prior now find themselves at the bottom. Fueled by a desire to fit in and be accepted, most teens find themselves in wholly new territory.

High school is a great time to explore new friendships. It’s a time to try on different personalities, and maybe even re-invent oneself entirely. While I can relate to the desire for your special frosh to meet and hang out with other “good” kids, their reinvention might just look cockeyed from your point of view. My advice? Let them be.

It’s actually okay to be a little permissive if your teen explores in arenas that aren’t mortally threatening (Goth dress or unconventional hair color, for example). If their choices are discordant with your family’s values, then of course it’s time to step in and make your values known – again. Outside of that, try not to be authoritative in this arena.

The bottom line?  Kids need to work out their friendship and relationship issues on their own unless you’re specifically asked. Then you may share these five ideas with your frosh. Otherwise, provide support, empathy and insight, but don’t interfere.

3.    Academic expectations

The academic divide between grade school and high school can be daunting. More is expected of high school students. And there is less hand-holding by teachers (and there should be less hand-holding by parents!)

It is difficult to stay out of the way and not help or rescue your child as they struggle with this transition. Do your best to let your son or daughter navigate the new academic demands and manage relationships with their teachers. Be empathic to their struggles, while you help them advocate for themselves.

I appreciate the difficulty of watching a child struggle and resisting the urge to fix the problem. By all means, listen to their concerns and help them uncover ways to approach the problem. And provide a reality check for an anxious teen who can’t fathom recovering from a poor grade.

But when we get overly engaged, it disempowers our children and sends the message that we don’t think they can handle the challenges they face. If we want to build resilient, confident kids, we have to let them deal with these situations, and learn that they can, indeed, figure out their academic problems and do well. Here are some tips worth passing on:

·      Encourage them to build relationships with their teachers and regularly check in with them on their progress

·      Take advantage of in-school resources like writing labs, National Honor Society tutoring, and mentorship opportunities          

·      Identify a go-to person in each class (may not always be a friend) that can be relied upon to provide notes or a heads-up about missed assignment after an absence

In a very real sense, your teen’s mastery of the challenges of high school academics are the 21st century skills they’ll need for post-graduation work and their college career.        

4.    Romantic relationships

Just like with drinking and drugs, I didn’t tell my kids how I felt about teens and sex in one big talk prior to high school. I shared my values with them over and over again. And I assure you, they weren’t always receptive to these conversations.

If you’re not comfortable talking about sex with your kids, get help getting there. Your kids need to know your values about love and sex. Not telling them is a missed opportunity to spark a dialogue. It may not happen in the moment, but if your teens hear you speak naturally and often about typically taboo or uncomfortable topics, it’s more likely they’ll see you as someone with whom they can discuss these issues.

If your kid is the one who is uncomfortable having that conversation with you, give them a great sex-ed book or two. Do not let them construct the narrative about healthy sexuality exclusively from the Internet and their friends. 

Just like with alcohol and drugs, as parents we ought to share essential info with our teens:

·      The efficacy of various birth control methods – and access to them if you’re comfortable with that

·      Dangers of sexually transmitted disease

·      Importance of consent and being a respectful partner

·      Issues around sexual orientation and acceptance

·      Emotional attachment as a consequences of sex

·      Impact of drugs/alcohol on decision-making and sex

And with young women 16 to 24 experiencing the highest rates of rape, sexual assault and stalking, teens need to know how to take action if any of these occur.

Sharing my values about sex may not have always led to the outcomes I personally wanted for my kids, but it did lead to learning opportunities for them, as well as conversations by which they could begin to establish their personal values about sex and relationships. I call that a win.

5.    The digital domain

When even the youngest of the current crop of parents were in high school, tweeting, sexting, texting and social media were unimaginable. Today, it’s the world in which we live… and around which your teens’ lives will forever revolve.

Talk with your teens about what is appropriate to view online and what is appropriate to share online. They do not know this innately, and therefore are more vulnerable to predators and other severe consequences.

It’s especially important that teens understands several things about their digital footprints:

·      The acronym “www” stands for worldwide web, which is exactly how far their posts travel

·      There is no privacy on the web; everything posted is officially on the record –potentially for all time

·      Unflattering digital exposure can be easily viewed by college admissions officers and future employers who aren’t above relinquishing offers based on what they see online

While the idea may be a tough sell to a 14-year-old, talk regularly about how you practice social media professionalism and point out examples of social media gone wrong whenever you see it.

Well, there you have my 5 pieces of advice for parents of high school freshman.

Here’s a bonus piece of Intel: If you do not want to be one of those parents freaking out because your incoming college freshman isn’t ready for university life, begin their preparation today.

Do not handicap your high school freshman by protecting them from failing. Do not handicap them by interfering with every decision they make. Let them stumble… or even fail.

As educational reformer John Dewey insisted, failure could be as essential to learning as succeeding. Your job is to give your teen every opportunity there is to practice self-reliance and problem solving in high school. The best you have to offer is your support, validation and empathy as they do the hard work of growing up.

One final note:  While I consider myself a parenting expert, it’s been more than a few years since I crossed the threshold into high school for the first time. So if your kids seriously tune you out – or if you sense they’ll be more responsive to hearing about high school from someone born in the 21st century – here’s some advice from the pros – high school sophomores! Their recommendations aren’t half-bad.

Want FREE parenting advice? Email and ask me a parenting question.

They’re BACK: How to Navigate Adult Children Returning Home

You’ve heard the adage that says if you hear something three times, it’s something you need to pay attention to, right? Given that, I’m hereby announcing that if you hear something five times, it officially makes it a “thing.”

The thing in question is the skyrocketing rate at which young adults return home to live with their parents, something at least five friends or clients have mentioned in just the last few weeks.

 But it’s not just happening to folks in my circle. Here’s the skinny:

 In the U.S., bastion of the rugged individualist, the Pew Research Center reports that living with parents is now “the most common arrangement for people ages 18-34.” Why? One explanation is that although the U.S. unemployment rate is 4.9 overall, unemployment is almost double that for young adults.

Even in Europe, where it’s long been traditional for children to live with their parents until they marry – at whatever age – it’s now reported that 60% of Italian and approximately 80% Spanish 18-29-year-olds still live with their parents!

 That makes it a safe bet that, at some point, one of your adult children will ask to move home.

Since “once a parent, always a parent,” you’re likely to pause and ask yourself, “Is this the right thing to do?”

 As with most tough parenting questions, my best and most honest response is, “It depends.”

 What it depends on is open, honest and ongoing communication about the reason for the move, as well as frank discussions about money, boundaries, responsibilities and respect. Let’s start with what I consider to be some good reasons to allow your adult child to move back home.

 Transition after College / Grad School  

·      Finding even a good-enough first job isn’t an overnight process

·      Some grads may have a job, yet want to be strategic about where they’re going to sign a lease

Unexpected Personal Crisis

·      An adult child ends up in a situation with an unstable or unsafe roommate

·      Your adult child and his/her live-in partner broke up unexpectedly and he/she needs to move out immediately

·      Your adult child is diagnosed with a physical illness or depression

 Economic Situations

·      Unexpected or unplanned job loss

·      Living costs that exceed income

·      Adult kids with families who need temporary support due to economic hardship

·      Desire to save for a strategic expense, such as a wedding or down payment on a house 

Elderly Parents

·      Sometimes, the situation is a win-win, as when an adult child needs a place to live and an aging or ill parent needs some in-home support or care

 If you’ve decided it’s okay for your adult child to move back home, you need to establish – and agree to – ground rules before the move. Here are some good questions to consider when establishing the rules.

 To Pay or Not to Pay

These are basically need-and-capacity questions:

·      Is there enough room in your home to accommodate your adult child and, perhaps, his or her family?

·      Do you need your adult child to contribute to household expenses?

*  If Yes, does your adult child have the financial resources to contribute? Is it enough?

*  If No, are there non-monetary ways he or she can contribute?

·      Do they need use of a family car and, if so, can they pay for their own gas and insurance?

 Boundaries

Making sure everyone understands where the limits are reduces confusion and makes expectations crystal clear. Here are questions to guide your rule-making:

·      Defined length of stay

*  Is the “ask” for a month…six months…one year? 

·      Consider curfews

*  If we’re talking about your gap-year kid who is spending the year at home, will you impose one?

*  With your older adult children, will you not?

·      Friends’ rules

*  Are girlfriends / boyfriends allowed to stay overnight?

*  How about close friends?

*  What about people you don’t know?

·      Chores

*  Beyond being responsible for their own room and bathroom, laundry and dishes (please do not clean up after your adult child), do you expect help with general housecleaning, shopping, yard work and other routine household tasks?

Personal vs Parental Responsibilities

·      Does everyone understand that...”

*  You are not responsible for ensuring your adult kids get enough sleep, eat well and wake up on time for work and other responsibilities?

*  You have the right to set the household rules your adult children must abide by if they move back in?

*  You don’t have the right to oversee (or weigh in on!) every aspect of your adult child’s life or decisions… unless specifically asked for input?

 Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

·      Agree to talk - on a regular timetable - about what’s working and what’s not

*   Every two weeks, especially in the beginning, is probably about right

·      Agree to address unforeseen problems as they arise

*   Talk about uncomfortable issues immediately; don’t wait for a scheduled check-in

*   Don’t keep a tally of infractions; address the issues and then let them go

*   Don’t presume your adult children will know what you’re thinking or what you want

 Just to cover all the bases, I’m going to weigh in briefly on situations where it’s NOT a good idea for your adult child to move back home: 

·      If they’ve demonstrated that they can’t follow your house rules / expectations

*   Unlike the stock market, past performance is a good indication of future success

·      If allowing them to move home means you’ll be crossing the line between support… and enabling

*   Substance abuse issues

*   Irresponsibility about money

 Here’s the good news about kids who return to the nest as adults. If you raised them from 0-18 to be independent, capable and self-reliant members of society, you can be pretty sure that’s who is moving back home. Continued discussions with them about how to approach the everyday problems of adult life is a powerful opportunity for them… one that can bear fruit for them with their future partners, colleagues, and friends. So put out the welcome mat!