Post-Election Letter to My Children

This has been an unparalleled election season. Like more than 50% of Americans, I anticipated a different outcome.

As the victor became clear, my first thoughts were of my children and my fears about how the policies of our new president would affect them in years to come. After taking time to process my own response, I composed and sent the following letter to my children on Wednesday morning, November 10. I shared it with a few close friends who urged me to post it on my blog.

I hope it is helpful.

Dear Oliver, Kalie and Quincy,

 Perhaps I should have had this letter ready to go first thing this morning or even last night. However I, like many, failed to recognize the profound disillusionment and disenfranchisement experienced by so many Americans who seem to have voted for a political outsider who filled the campaign trail with rallying rhetoric and promises of a better life. I'm no political expert...and I don't fully understand what happened in this election. What I do know is that we are profoundly lucky in our lives, which makes it is easy for us to trust a system that, although flawed, has served us – or at least not betrayed us.

Democracy…so central to our freedom in this great country…requires dialogue, compromise and commitment to ideals of unity, not division. Let's work to hold our elected officials to that standard and hope that the mandate for reform will push collaboration and not obstruction. We must stand with the groups that have been victimized and marginalized by Trump on the campaign trail. As Jews, and as human beings, we cannot stand by or fail to speak up for women, people of color, the LGBTQ community, those with disabilities, immigrants, veterans and other minority groups.

As I face this new day...one I could not have imagined...one that fills me with fear...I am also thinking about tomorrow.

 I have lived my life motivated and mobilized by anxiety and fear rather than paralyzed by them. That approach is intentional and reflects my values. It is a volitional choice I have made, and I have worked hard to model this to the three of you because anxiety, fear, disappointment and rejection are part of life. It is not realistic to eliminate them, but it is empowering to learn how to use them to help us grow and change. Resilience is key...and challenging times like this are tests of our grit and our resolve, and we will persevere.

This is a moment where despite my fear, despite my anxiety, and despite my profound sense of despair, I am going to find a way to mobilize and reengage and be part of the solution. I want to do whatever it will take to heal our country, because the vast divide that has been identified and highlighted by this election cycle is ultimately destructive and dangerous for America.

I encourage you today to take the time you need to grieve and to mourn.  I feel your pain and wish I could hold you all in my arms.  But tomorrow, I encourage you to awake with a renewed commitment to being citizens of this country and citizens of this world.

This will manifest differently for all of us. You get to decide how to use your spheres of influence...you get to choose how you can make your mark...what you will do...what you will say. There is no right way, nor is there only one way. But promise me that despair won't win the day...that apathy won't be victorious...that hate won't prevail. Find your path...continue to be engaged members of your community in whatever ways you define them.

I need you to know that I am beyond proud of the three of you. You are the greatest joys in my life. I know that you are fundamentally engaged, responsive, committed people who are going to be part of the solutions in this country.

Today we mourn. Tomorrow we recommit to Tikkun Olam...healing our world.

I love you beyond measure.

Mom ❤

Why Sexy Halloween Costumes are Scary for Our Daughters

Are your daughters starting to talk about what they’ll be for Halloween this year?

If Yes, I have a straightforward piece of advice. Stop and bring a thoughtful, adult perspective to the discussion.

Bottom line, tweens and teens need to be empowered not to wear costumes that sexualize them before it’s developmentally appropriate.

It won’t be easy.

The trick will be to deftly navigate today’s marketplace.

Sad to say, non-sexualized choices for girls, especially teens, are limited. Most costume shops that start popping up in early September mostly stock whore-ified female versions of male costumes. 

There’s the police officer…and his sexy counterpart (what female cop doesn't wear a mini skirt  and fishnets these days?) The fire fighter…and his sexy counterpart. The ghoul, the chef, the butler, the skeleton, the devil, the doctor, the fill-in-the-blank…and his sexy counterpart. You get the idea.

I can almost hear your daughter’s argument: “But it’s what everyone else is wearing!”

That may be true, but this is the time to confirm your values and firmly weigh in on the decision of what your daughter can wear. When children are allowed to wear sexy clothing – costumed or everyday – not only do others see and treat them as sexual creatures… they see themselves that way as well. And often, far earlier than they are emotionally or developmentally aware enough to deal with the consequences.

Be sensitive to your daughters’ desire to fit in, and by all means, don’t shame her for wanting to wear a sexy costume. Take this opportunity to speak up about the appropriateness of her choices. I’m certainly not advocating we blame the victim, but it’s important to point out to our daughters the message that certain types of clothing send – whether wittingly or not.  It is also important that our daughters feel safe and comfortable in the choices that are made available to them.

A friend asked me a great question on this topic the other day. “At what age should I let my daughter make her own decisions about the clothes she wears?” My response? Parents should probably continue checking in as long as the child lives at home. Discussions about how we present ourselves is really a discussion about the values we hold as parents and that we’re trying to instill in our children.

When we allow our young daughters to leave our homes dressed as mini adult women, we forfeit our right to be aghast when people react to them as such in the outside world.

It’s a tough stance, but our daughters are worth it.

Why It's Okay to Hate Your Toddler

Hating toddlerhood?  You're not alone.

This is an actual post from a parenting group I belong to on Facebook.

Swear. To. God.

At post time, there were 171 Likes / Comments…and counting!

If you’re one of umpteen parents challenged by devilish little ones, you’re clearly not alone. Frankly, what’s not to hate? Toddlers are irrational, highly emotional, demanding – and completely powerless over their lives. A perfect storm, particularly because they possess ZERO capacity to act reasonably once they’ve hit their limit (or sooner, depending on the provocation).

It's just how they roll.

In developmental terms, they have the vital job of exploring their vast world – and asserting their (presumed) mastery of same – by any means necessary.

Fortunately there are some very effective parental workarounds for the conundrums that beset toddlers and their handlers. In this post, I share some of the most exasperating questions I hear from clients, as well as my tested and proven methods for taming the oh-so-terrible 2s and 3s!

Why can’t I stop the meltdowns?

Kids throw tantrums because they’ve completely exhausted their physical and/or psychic capacity. When we put toddlers in situations that exceed their capacity, we invite catastrophe.

That makes Rule # 1 for stopping the meltdowns to be mindful of your toddlers’ limits – and don’t exceed them.

Rule #2 is to prioritize the “red rules” – those things you and your co-parent (and other caretakers) agree are non-negotiable and always enforceable. For example, considering most toddlers are sapped by bedtime, do you really need a list of 5 hygiene-related tasks every night? Could simply brushing their teeth be the one must-do, leaving flossing, moisturizing and the like for those days when they’re in a more agreeable mood?

Rule #3. Stop talking and start doing. Even just 30 seconds of this video gone viral proves the point.

 While having a deep convo with your kiddie may seem like the in-touch-parent thing to do, “processing” with a 3-year-old is a complete waste of time and oxygen.

Picking them up and buckling them in the car in their pjs, if necessary, so you can get them to daycare and you to work? That they understand in a heartbeat.

 If I let my toddler win an argument, aren’t I teaching them that my rules don’t count?

See Rules #2 and 3. 

Plus, pick your battles. Give your children choices so they can learn to assert some control over their lives. You’ll be surprised to see just how empowered they feel when they get the opportunity to select from two options.

Don’t be surprised, however, when they select door #3 - from which you haven’t proffered a thing. But if that option doesn’t put them in danger or isn’t truly inappropriate, let it go! Rain boots on a sunny day? Plaids with stripes? Who cares! Allow your toddler to assert his or her independence on things that ultimately don’t matter.

Why is my toddler so temperamental and whiney?

Most toddlers who present that way have exhausted their capacity and you’re seeing the manifestation of that. Much of the time, whiney kids are actually hungry or tired or have some other physical or emotional need you can fulfill.

And yes, sometimes toddlers are just whiney. Remember, though, their lives are all about are wresting even a miniscule measure of control from a situation in which they are generally powerless. So when they whine or scream No about something you ask them to do, they are simply trying to assert their independence.

 Why are transitions so difficult for my toddler?

Toddlers like routine. In new or unfamiliar situations, they’re simply less resilient.

When you interrupt your established routine with a new activity or a trip, they often deal with their anxiety by whining or tantrumming. So prepare them for the transition as much as possible.

An upcoming trip? Try this: “We’re going to Grandma’s tomorrow after our Mommy and Me class. You’ll get to sleep in your cousin’s room on a special cot. Do you want to bring your bear or your blanket… or both?”  Talk about the upcoming activity in a positive way, and share the fun they will have as a result.

 Is it ever OK to spank my toddler?

In my opinion, it is never, ever okay to hit a child. I’ve raised my voice at my kids. I’ve bribed them. But I never spanked them.

Why not?

It’s not an effective strategy. It doesn’t teach them anything, except that mommy or daddy can be scary.

If you want to spank your toddler because she isn’t listening, for example, forgo the swat and figure out another way to teach him to listen. As the adult, it’s your job to experiment with multiple ways to make your point so your child learns what you expect from them.

Speaking of raised voices… save your SUPER voice for truly dangerous situations. You want your toddler to hear that voice and freeze.

 How should I respond to my very picky toddler when it comes to food?

Again, choice is helpful here. Keep healthy foods cut up and accessible.

Make new foods available. Don’t try to cajole your kids into eating them, but be sure they see you eating them! Try not to give them their staple favorites at each meal, or they will be inclined to shy away from new options. Be willing to keep trying, but know it may take a while for picky toddlers to adjust. 

I promise they won’t starve themselves, however. Eventually they’ll get hungry enough and will eat something you’ve provided. If you’re still not sold, there are plenty of picky-eater tricks to try online.

 I’m a stay-at-home parent. What do I do with my toddlers all day long?

Toddlerhood can be especially tough for stay-at-home parents who don’t love this age. If you fall into this category – as do a lot of cerebral and verbal people who want their kids to get their puns – I want you to feel permission not to love these toddlin’ years.

Regardless of your predilections, the same solution applies. You’ve got to find ways to use your community. Meet up with other moms of toddlers. The kids need toddler-to-toddler interaction, and it also helps them to hear from and interact with other adults.  

Leverage every low- and no-cost opportunity your community provides – and there are plenty. Libraries. Bookstores. Toy stores with play stations. Indoor malls.

Distraction is what you’re after.

If you need to spend the morning at the service station while your car is serviced, pack a bag with 15-20 things that will amuse your kids for at least 5 minutes each. If you need to take a shower – give your toddler a morning bag with several toys, keep the bathroom door open and scrub-a-dub.

Toddlerhood may make you feel imprisoned at times, but remember…it’s not a life sentence. These few years – and all those adorable things your kid says and does – will be over before you know it. 

When is the best time to make the transition from crib to toddler bed?

Hold out as long as you can! I wouldn’t take a toddler out of a crib until they demonstrated a full ability to climb out of it. In fact, pad the area around the crib and wait until your toddler’s dismount is a perfect 10!

I kid.

If your toddler can be in a crib comfortably and safely – I say leave them there. Why make the transition before you need to? Their development will not be impaired. When you think about it, a crib is just a toddler bed with safety rails.

Whenever you decide to make the switch, make sure the rest of their life is relatively calm, and do what you can to ease the transition for your toddler.

 Is co-sleeping okay?

Co-sleeping is an individual decision. I personally think it’s better for parents to be alone and for toddlers to learn to self-soothe, so it wasn’t the right choice for me.

Most experts say it’s OK if it doesn’t create tension between parents – and as long as the child isn’t totally dependent on co-sleeping.

 Should I make a point to interest my children in non-gender-traditional toys and activities or let them choose?  

It’s always important to be thoughtful about the toys you’re bringing into the house. Truth is, though, I bought my older son dolls, and he used them as projectiles. He even pretended carrots were pistols.

My other son, born after my daughter, did play dolls with her – until the day, unprovoked, he declared those days were over.

Interesting, from the ages of 2-4, that same son carried a purse (black patent leather with a pink heart!) that held all his little toy planes and trucks. He just liked to have his belongings with him. At 4, he unceremoniously traded in his purse for a knapsack.

It’s safe to say toddlers absorb some gender-identify info from a variety of sources, including toy stores, and opinions on gender-specific toys vary widely. My opinion? Be mindful of what you buy –and of your own bias – and then do what you believe is right.  

 Is there a right or wrong time to send my toddler to preschool or daycare?

I’m going to fall back on the “personal choice” option here. Well, that…and an honest understanding of your tolerance level for this stage.

If you have the freedom to be home and explore the world with your kids…

If you (generally) love doing so…

And you’re good with giving your toddlers ample opportunities to socialize with other toddlers…

Then feel free to keep them at home with you. What’s important developmentally is that kids begin to practice individuation from Mommy and Daddy at this point of their young lives – but they don’t need to go to school to do so.

If you’re not in love with toddlerhood, or you need coverage, by all means, enroll your child in a preschool or daycare program that gives you the respite you need to be the best parent possible when you trek home, toddler in tow.

Here’s the crux: You don’t want your child to get to kindergarten without being socially exposed to other toddlers and adults. Beyond that, do what works for your family -- although I’m not sure I’d endorse the following option (also a FB entry.)

Why is it so hard to remember that, as the parent, I am in control?

I understand that it feels as if you are being held hostage to your toddlers’ irrational demands. But feelings aren’t facts.

Naturally, you can’t lock them in room and walk away. Your job as a parent is to stay in control despite their protestations (NO! I can do it myself! Mine! “Listen to me, Linda!”)

Toddlers aren’t the only ones with finite capacity for life’s frustrations. Parents, especially the caretakers of toddlers, don’t get enough sleep and may not be eating as healthily as possible. But even when you are not feeling particularly resilient, it’s important to continually remind yourself that you ARE in control.

Here’s the last word on taming your toddler: When things don’t go according to plan, don’t negotiate, legislate!

And enjoy the ride!

5 Pieces of Advice for Parents of High School Freshman

Sweaty palms and jangled nerves.

Anxiety about navigating a new world.

Intense desires to fit in.

Frenzied fears they won’t.

That’s the emotional terrain most teens traverse as they make their way across the wide expanse from elementary to high school.

It’s a sizable transition by all accounts – social, psychological, academic and physical. The rub is that the transition needs to be experienced… your teen can’t really prepare for it. But as parents, you can help along the way.

That’s why this posts offers guidance on the 5 most relevant and fraught topics your freshman (or freshwoman) will continually face as he or she evolves from an incoming 9th grader to bona fide high schooler. They are, in no particular order:

1.    Drinking and drugs

2.    Making friends

3.    Academic expectations

4.    Romantic relationships

5.    The digital domain

 One caveat: There are no magic solutions or established protocols that will work for every teen in every family. What’s essential is that as parents, you understand your own feelings about these high-stakes high school hurdles. That enables you to make intentional decisions based on your values – and the outcome you want for your child. Then you articulate them again… and again.

Let’s talk teens.

1.    Drinking and drugs.

Personally, my values are that teenagers should not drink or take drugs. My (now grown) kids knew this because I told them – early and often. And the more they heard me say it, the more it was in their head when they were faced with that choice.

Unlike my teenagers, I had the parental gift of perspective and insight, so I shared my knowledge about drugs and alcohol with them, especially regarding the:

·      Difference of the alcohol levels in beer vs. spirits

·      Implications of mixing uppers (like red bull) with downers (alcohol)

·      Difference of the effects of drinking on a 200-pound boy vs. a 100-pound girl

·      Legal consequences of drinking or taking drugs on school property

·      Legal consequences of driving while under the influence

·      Legal implications for me if minors drank in my home

Granted, my telling them all these things didn’t prohibit my children from making their own choices (good and bad), but they absolutely knew what the pitfalls and consequences could be.

Most important, we always had a plan in the event their decisions turned out badly. My kids knew they could call me at any time if they needed a ride. And if they texted me the phrase “911,” that was code for me to rescue them while they could still save face with their friends.

 2.    Making friends.

The headline?  Play dates are over.

 In elementary school you had some say – or at least sway – over your kids’ friends. But in high school, who your teen befriends is no longer up to you.

Big changes are afoot socially. Eighth-graders who were on top of the food chain just 12 weeks prior now find themselves at the bottom. Fueled by a desire to fit in and be accepted, most teens find themselves in wholly new territory.

High school is a great time to explore new friendships. It’s a time to try on different personalities, and maybe even re-invent oneself entirely. While I can relate to the desire for your special frosh to meet and hang out with other “good” kids, their reinvention might just look cockeyed from your point of view. My advice? Let them be.

It’s actually okay to be a little permissive if your teen explores in arenas that aren’t mortally threatening (Goth dress or unconventional hair color, for example). If their choices are discordant with your family’s values, then of course it’s time to step in and make your values known – again. Outside of that, try not to be authoritative in this arena.

The bottom line?  Kids need to work out their friendship and relationship issues on their own unless you’re specifically asked. Then you may share these five ideas with your frosh. Otherwise, provide support, empathy and insight, but don’t interfere.

3.    Academic expectations

The academic divide between grade school and high school can be daunting. More is expected of high school students. And there is less hand-holding by teachers (and there should be less hand-holding by parents!)

It is difficult to stay out of the way and not help or rescue your child as they struggle with this transition. Do your best to let your son or daughter navigate the new academic demands and manage relationships with their teachers. Be empathic to their struggles, while you help them advocate for themselves.

I appreciate the difficulty of watching a child struggle and resisting the urge to fix the problem. By all means, listen to their concerns and help them uncover ways to approach the problem. And provide a reality check for an anxious teen who can’t fathom recovering from a poor grade.

But when we get overly engaged, it disempowers our children and sends the message that we don’t think they can handle the challenges they face. If we want to build resilient, confident kids, we have to let them deal with these situations, and learn that they can, indeed, figure out their academic problems and do well. Here are some tips worth passing on:

·      Encourage them to build relationships with their teachers and regularly check in with them on their progress

·      Take advantage of in-school resources like writing labs, National Honor Society tutoring, and mentorship opportunities          

·      Identify a go-to person in each class (may not always be a friend) that can be relied upon to provide notes or a heads-up about missed assignment after an absence

In a very real sense, your teen’s mastery of the challenges of high school academics are the 21st century skills they’ll need for post-graduation work and their college career.        

4.    Romantic relationships

Just like with drinking and drugs, I didn’t tell my kids how I felt about teens and sex in one big talk prior to high school. I shared my values with them over and over again. And I assure you, they weren’t always receptive to these conversations.

If you’re not comfortable talking about sex with your kids, get help getting there. Your kids need to know your values about love and sex. Not telling them is a missed opportunity to spark a dialogue. It may not happen in the moment, but if your teens hear you speak naturally and often about typically taboo or uncomfortable topics, it’s more likely they’ll see you as someone with whom they can discuss these issues.

If your kid is the one who is uncomfortable having that conversation with you, give them a great sex-ed book or two. Do not let them construct the narrative about healthy sexuality exclusively from the Internet and their friends. 

Just like with alcohol and drugs, as parents we ought to share essential info with our teens:

·      The efficacy of various birth control methods – and access to them if you’re comfortable with that

·      Dangers of sexually transmitted disease

·      Importance of consent and being a respectful partner

·      Issues around sexual orientation and acceptance

·      Emotional attachment as a consequences of sex

·      Impact of drugs/alcohol on decision-making and sex

And with young women 16 to 24 experiencing the highest rates of rape, sexual assault and stalking, teens need to know how to take action if any of these occur.

Sharing my values about sex may not have always led to the outcomes I personally wanted for my kids, but it did lead to learning opportunities for them, as well as conversations by which they could begin to establish their personal values about sex and relationships. I call that a win.

5.    The digital domain

When even the youngest of the current crop of parents were in high school, tweeting, sexting, texting and social media were unimaginable. Today, it’s the world in which we live… and around which your teens’ lives will forever revolve.

Talk with your teens about what is appropriate to view online and what is appropriate to share online. They do not know this innately, and therefore are more vulnerable to predators and other severe consequences.

It’s especially important that teens understands several things about their digital footprints:

·      The acronym “www” stands for worldwide web, which is exactly how far their posts travel

·      There is no privacy on the web; everything posted is officially on the record –potentially for all time

·      Unflattering digital exposure can be easily viewed by college admissions officers and future employers who aren’t above relinquishing offers based on what they see online

While the idea may be a tough sell to a 14-year-old, talk regularly about how you practice social media professionalism and point out examples of social media gone wrong whenever you see it.

Well, there you have my 5 pieces of advice for parents of high school freshman.

Here’s a bonus piece of Intel: If you do not want to be one of those parents freaking out because your incoming college freshman isn’t ready for university life, begin their preparation today.

Do not handicap your high school freshman by protecting them from failing. Do not handicap them by interfering with every decision they make. Let them stumble… or even fail.

As educational reformer John Dewey insisted, failure could be as essential to learning as succeeding. Your job is to give your teen every opportunity there is to practice self-reliance and problem solving in high school. The best you have to offer is your support, validation and empathy as they do the hard work of growing up.

One final note:  While I consider myself a parenting expert, it’s been more than a few years since I crossed the threshold into high school for the first time. So if your kids seriously tune you out – or if you sense they’ll be more responsive to hearing about high school from someone born in the 21st century – here’s some advice from the pros – high school sophomores! Their recommendations aren’t half-bad.

Want FREE parenting advice? Email and ask me a parenting question.

They’re BACK: How to Navigate Adult Children Returning Home

You’ve heard the adage that says if you hear something three times, it’s something you need to pay attention to, right? Given that, I’m hereby announcing that if you hear something five times, it officially makes it a “thing.”

The thing in question is the skyrocketing rate at which young adults return home to live with their parents, something at least five friends or clients have mentioned in just the last few weeks.

 But it’s not just happening to folks in my circle. Here’s the skinny:

 In the U.S., bastion of the rugged individualist, the Pew Research Center reports that living with parents is now “the most common arrangement for people ages 18-34.” Why? One explanation is that although the U.S. unemployment rate is 4.9 overall, unemployment is almost double that for young adults.

Even in Europe, where it’s long been traditional for children to live with their parents until they marry – at whatever age – it’s now reported that 60% of Italian and approximately 80% Spanish 18-29-year-olds still live with their parents!

 That makes it a safe bet that, at some point, one of your adult children will ask to move home.

Since “once a parent, always a parent,” you’re likely to pause and ask yourself, “Is this the right thing to do?”

 As with most tough parenting questions, my best and most honest response is, “It depends.”

 What it depends on is open, honest and ongoing communication about the reason for the move, as well as frank discussions about money, boundaries, responsibilities and respect. Let’s start with what I consider to be some good reasons to allow your adult child to move back home.

 Transition after College / Grad School  

·      Finding even a good-enough first job isn’t an overnight process

·      Some grads may have a job, yet want to be strategic about where they’re going to sign a lease

Unexpected Personal Crisis

·      An adult child ends up in a situation with an unstable or unsafe roommate

·      Your adult child and his/her live-in partner broke up unexpectedly and he/she needs to move out immediately

·      Your adult child is diagnosed with a physical illness or depression

 Economic Situations

·      Unexpected or unplanned job loss

·      Living costs that exceed income

·      Adult kids with families who need temporary support due to economic hardship

·      Desire to save for a strategic expense, such as a wedding or down payment on a house 

Elderly Parents

·      Sometimes, the situation is a win-win, as when an adult child needs a place to live and an aging or ill parent needs some in-home support or care

 If you’ve decided it’s okay for your adult child to move back home, you need to establish – and agree to – ground rules before the move. Here are some good questions to consider when establishing the rules.

 To Pay or Not to Pay

These are basically need-and-capacity questions:

·      Is there enough room in your home to accommodate your adult child and, perhaps, his or her family?

·      Do you need your adult child to contribute to household expenses?

*  If Yes, does your adult child have the financial resources to contribute? Is it enough?

*  If No, are there non-monetary ways he or she can contribute?

·      Do they need use of a family car and, if so, can they pay for their own gas and insurance?

 Boundaries

Making sure everyone understands where the limits are reduces confusion and makes expectations crystal clear. Here are questions to guide your rule-making:

·      Defined length of stay

*  Is the “ask” for a month…six months…one year? 

·      Consider curfews

*  If we’re talking about your gap-year kid who is spending the year at home, will you impose one?

*  With your older adult children, will you not?

·      Friends’ rules

*  Are girlfriends / boyfriends allowed to stay overnight?

*  How about close friends?

*  What about people you don’t know?

·      Chores

*  Beyond being responsible for their own room and bathroom, laundry and dishes (please do not clean up after your adult child), do you expect help with general housecleaning, shopping, yard work and other routine household tasks?

Personal vs Parental Responsibilities

·      Does everyone understand that...”

*  You are not responsible for ensuring your adult kids get enough sleep, eat well and wake up on time for work and other responsibilities?

*  You have the right to set the household rules your adult children must abide by if they move back in?

*  You don’t have the right to oversee (or weigh in on!) every aspect of your adult child’s life or decisions… unless specifically asked for input?

 Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

·      Agree to talk - on a regular timetable - about what’s working and what’s not

*   Every two weeks, especially in the beginning, is probably about right

·      Agree to address unforeseen problems as they arise

*   Talk about uncomfortable issues immediately; don’t wait for a scheduled check-in

*   Don’t keep a tally of infractions; address the issues and then let them go

*   Don’t presume your adult children will know what you’re thinking or what you want

 Just to cover all the bases, I’m going to weigh in briefly on situations where it’s NOT a good idea for your adult child to move back home: 

·      If they’ve demonstrated that they can’t follow your house rules / expectations

*   Unlike the stock market, past performance is a good indication of future success

·      If allowing them to move home means you’ll be crossing the line between support… and enabling

*   Substance abuse issues

*   Irresponsibility about money

 Here’s the good news about kids who return to the nest as adults. If you raised them from 0-18 to be independent, capable and self-reliant members of society, you can be pretty sure that’s who is moving back home. Continued discussions with them about how to approach the everyday problems of adult life is a powerful opportunity for them… one that can bear fruit for them with their future partners, colleagues, and friends. So put out the welcome mat!