Just Saying No To Alcohol at Graduation Parties

Mixing booze and high school graduation parties may not be a dilemma for all parents, but it sure has become one for me this year.

 Actually, let me clarify “dilemma.”

I’m super clear about how I feel about alcohol. I’m not in favor. It’s one of my core values (parenting and otherwise). I don’t judge lawful adults who do imbibe; it’s just not for me.

I’m similarly confident when I assert that drinking is not appropriate or beneficial for young people. In fact, it can be quite dangerous physically and psychologically to them and those around them. 

I heartily agree with every one of the “27 Reasons NOT to Serve (or turn a blind eye to) Alcohol at High School Graduation Parties” outlined by Seddon R. Savage, MS, MD and Director of the Dartmouth Center on Addiction and Recovery (and parent of 3).

Then there’s this: Drinking is against the law for those under the age 21, (although there are exceptions).

Trust me, the blinders are off. As an educational therapist and mom parenting in the 21st century, I understand that many high schoolers experiment with drinking – and most college students make a habit of it. But it’s still not something I support or condone.

My own three kids (18, 20 and 23) seem to have a normative relationship with alcohol, drinking in ways I deem responsible. It’s still not ideal from my perspective, but I respect and trust their judgment about alcohol because they’ve given me every reason to do so.

So what, you may ask, is my dilemma?

With apologies in advance to my high school graduate, it is this:

He has been invited to a two-day, un-chaperoned and unsupervised beach house party seven (7) hours drive from home at which there could be up to 30 students – and plenty of booze.

I said No.

My son wasn’t happy. “Everyone is going,” he said. “I’m the only one who isn’t allowed to go!”

Naturally, he noted all the reasons I should let him attend.

1.    He has never gotten overly intoxicated.

2.    He has never had so much as one beer (and this is a hulking 6’, 200+pound guy) and gotten behind the wheel of a car.

3.    He has never missed curfew.

4.    He has never put himself in a dangerous situation.

5.    He has always demonstrated good judgment around alcohol.

He’s right on all counts. While I know my son’s not perfect, all 5 points he made are completely true. But I’m not concerned about him overdrinking.

I’m concerned about the other 29, whose drinking habits, tolerances and values I don’t know.

I’m uncomfortable about the lack of responsible adults (read: parents) anywhere in the vicinity.

I’m uneasy about the distance from home.

I’m exceedingly worried about the proximity to water.

I’m keenly aware of the possible drama of a co-ed weekend trip.

As an adult, I know the potential for catastrophic problems is huge.

On top of all that, precisely because my son is so dependable and has such good judgment, I know he’s going to feel a sense of responsibility if something dangerous or problematic does unfold.

Of course, he’s hoping I change my mind.

The dilemma is that as much as I wish I could…as much as I don’t want him to “miss out” on what he believes is essential to feeling graduated…I have to adhere to my values.

But it’s not easy.

I’m a little surprised to find myself here. After all, I’m a parenting coach, an educational therapist and someone who has tons of parenting confidence. I’m not someone particularly susceptible to parental peer pressure. Yet still, I feel conflicted.

With all my heart I want him to go and be with his friends and celebrate his achievement. But given the conditions, I can’t keep him safe. And that’s still part of my job as his parent.

If I didn’t have to be out of the country that weekend, I actually would find a way to make it tolerable for me so that he could go. Namely, I would drive there and stay at a B&B so I would be nearby if problems arose.

But that’s not the case, so my answer must remain No.

Much to my surprise, a lot of parents are okay with parties like this beachfront fest. They will take turns chaperoning at similar fetes throughout the party season, and presumably watch underage kids consume alcohol.*

Call me old-fashioned, but is a party where drinking is central truly the only way to celebrate one’s high school graduation?

I’m afraid I don’t understand why our society has entwined celebration with alcohol so deeply that most people don’t believe you can do one without the other – even teenagers.

To prove just how binary the association is, my son turned down an offer from his stepmom to host a supervised-but-alcohol-free graduation party at her lake home – complete with swimming pool, tennis court and meals all weekend. “My friends wouldn’t come,” he said simply. Booze is that vital to their idea of fun.

As Dr. Savage so eloquently points out in #17:

·      If there were no alcohol at ANY graduation parties…kids would be just as likely to laugh, dance, make-out, stay up all night, party and have a good time.

I agree.

So here’s my plea as June graduation season rolls around. Let’s all, as parents, “Just say No” to alcohol at graduation parties this year.

And let the fun begin.

* Unaware of the risk of serving alcohol to minors? These legal tips for parents hosting graduation parties are most assuredly worth a read

** UPDATE:  After I wrote this piece, my son and his friends recognized that I was not the only parent to have serious concerns.  Chaperones are now in place.  Rules have been established. Carpools have been set.  My son and I have discussed my fears; we have reviewed potential scenarios and anticipated consequences.  He gets to have his celebration and I get to keep my peace of mind. 

34 Ways to Say 'I Love You' Mom! Or What Moms Really Want for Mother's Day

Not all Moms are fans of breakfast in bed on the one day a year when a mother’s preference ought to rule. For them, a wake-up meal rustled up by unschooled young chefs can leave one, well, hungry for more. Apparently, also on the not-well-loved gift list is attendance at a crowded brunch with the entire family in tow – even at restaurants where the chefs are well-schooled.

So… as Mother’s Day rolls around for the 103rd time since President Woodrow Wilson first proclaimed it an official U.S. holiday, I offer this crowd-sourced list of 34 unconventional, meaningful and creative ideas that let these Moms know she’s the best!

* # 34 is my favorite because I feel the exact same way!

1.     A handwritten letter from Dad to the kids, naming all the things he loves about their Mom, acknowledging all the things she does for the family, details she presumed went completely unnoticed.

2.     Homemade Mother’s Day card.

3.     Handwritten note expressing gratitude for me.

4.     Coupon for a spring-cleaning crew.

5.     A donation to my favorite charity.

6.     Adult-kid-and-mom trip.          

7.     Any art made with handprints.

8.     Handmade gift certificate for a walk in the woods or by the lake with my family.

9.     Silence.

10.     A free day’s labor in the yard.

11.     A “Mom’s Day Off” when I don’t have to do ANYTHING!

12.     Something made by an artist whose work I love.

13.     A gift, like yarn or fabric or a book about sewing, that demonstrates my family notices the things and hobbies I love.

14.     Not having to make dinner (for as many days as possible!).

15.     A framed (by Dad) compilation of favorite mommy-and-me drawings.

16.     The word “M-O-M” within a heart spelled out on the living room floor using my massive oversupply of plastic containers!

17.     Little knickknacks from the dollar store.

18.     Handmade paper frames with their pictures in them.

19.     A bag filled with all of my favorite little things.

20.     Space.

21.     Edible arrangements and a home-cooked meal.

22.     Sweet letters written to me from the kids.

23.     A small pot of seedlings with a hand-drawn ladybug (and a squeeze ball for when clients drive me crazy!

24.     A spa day.

25.     My son won a sledding contest and the prize was a choice between a bicycle and a microwave – and he chose the microwave for his Mamma!

26.     A book of coupons with adorable offers like these:

“I’ll eat whatever is for dinner without complaining.”

“I’ll perform one chore of your choice.” (presumably also without complaining!)

“I promise to put away my clean clothes.”

“You get to pick what TV show to watch tonight.”

27.     The word “Family” carved out of wood covered with all the family activities my kids loved.

28.     Spending the day with me, going out to a meal, a movie or a museum.

29.     A phone call on Mother’s Day if we can't be together.

30.     My grown son gave me a ride on his motorcycle, which meant I could hug his grown body while he drove. How long it’s been since he was a little guy I could hug whenever I wanted!

31.     A swim with the dolphins at Shedd Aquarium in Chicago.

32.     A little gift box my daughter filled with the top 25 reasons I'm a great Mom. (Priceless)

33.     A baby pig with a red ribbon on his neck. (You can’t make this stuff up!) 

34.     The gift of being a Mom was always gift enough for me. Truly.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there and to all of the other people who are functioning in myriad ways as 'mothers' to children in their lives.

4 Sleepover Strategies that Make Everyone Sleep Better!

Sleepover myth #1:  If you’ve been led to believe that there is some inherent, not-to-be-missed psychological benefit to sleepovers, you’ve been misled. Sleepovers at a favorite friend’s house are not the only way to navigate your children’s significant developmental milestone of separation.

Here’s another belief buster:  If you hope that by creating the perfect sleepover experience for your children you’ll banish the horrid (or re-live the happy) memories of your own, forget it. As I mentioned in a recent post on millennial parenting, a key aim for parents is to avoid reflexively reacting against one’s own upbringing.

I’m about to break the third leg on the sleepover stool:  Playing with a friend in one’s PJs, eating more treats than usual and brushing teeth side-by-side with a pal are not critical activities for successful socialization. If your child goes to school (or is home-schooled and participates in activities with peers), those needs are being met. Consider siblings and relatives a bonus.

For school-aged kids, sleepovers are essentially extended play dates. With teens, they’re a chance to flex independence muscles. The decision to allow them – or disavow them on safety or other grounds – is entirely up to you.

That’s the huge upside of intentional parenting, which is a largely matter of trusting your instincts and following your values. In situations like whether or not to encourage or permit sleepovers, there is no “right way.” There’s just your way – the way that is reflective of your values and your innate knowledge of your children. Without a developmental imperative at stake, you have the freedom to consider what’s appropriate for your particular kids.

When it comes to deciding if a sleepover is right for your child, remember this maxim: “If you’ve met one kid, you’ve met one kid!” No two children are alike – not even within families.

Say you have a child who, if he or she woke up scared, sick or cold, would be afraid to wake up their friend or their friend’s parents for help. In this scenario, a sleepover wouldn’t be a positive experience – and consequently, one worth avoiding.

But what if you have another child who is flexible, outgoing and embraces change and transitions with ease? For s/he, there’s probably no downside to giving sleepovers a thumbs-up.

Here are 4 sleepover strategies for your consideration:

✔Safety first.

Your children’s wellbeing is paramount. While it may feel awkward, there are important things to ask the hosting parent. This is what would be on my list:

·      Are there guns in your house?

·      Is there anyone living in your home besides your immediate family?

·      Will you be home or are you going out and leaving the kids with a babysitter?

·      Are there controls on accessible computers?

✔Comfort second.

Keep these steps in mind for school-aged children:

·      Consider having the first official sleepover at a cousin’s or other close family’s house where there’s already a sense of safety so your child can learn the lay of sleepover land

·      Ensure kids’ physical and psychological comfort by encouraging them to take along a favorite stuffed animal or other well-loved object, as well as their favorite jammies

·      Your children need to know they are welcome to call home and be picked up for any reason, at any time

✔Preparatory trouble-shooting for teen overnights.

Teens up the ante on several fronts. While some parents may have an entirely different list, these would be my particular additional need-to-knows:

·      Will there be access to alcohol?

·      Do the hosting parents have any specific house rules my teen should know in advance?

·      Will there be other teens there?

·      Will there be teens of the opposite sex there?

·      Will there be unsupervised access to a pool or hot tub?

✔Sleepover hacks worth trying.

Kids generally come home from sleepovers wrecked. They eat abnormally and sleep poorly. And after being on their best behavior at their friend’s house, they resort to their best crabby selves once home. If you prefer your children well-fed, -supervised and/or -rested, mull over these options:

·      Sleepunders offer the perfect solution to sleepovers, as they include all the expected rituals (a kid-friendly dinner, a fun craft, and a movie in pajamas or sleeping bags), after which the guests return home to sleep in their own beds

·      Sleep-away camps, many of which are geared to specific topics (aerospace, theatre, leadership, origami even), give kids tons of independence as well as immersion in one of their interests

·      If your family practices a particular faith, see if there are weekend or overnight “retreats” for youth; these pack a sleepover and reinforce values into a single package

Like many, many decisions you will make as a parent – to sleep over or not to sleep over is just one for which the right answer is the answer that’s right for your children. As I always tell my clients and friends who come to me for parenting advice, make your decisions based on you and your co-parents values and the outcomes you want. When you use those as your guiding principles, just about everything turns out just fine.

What To Do When Teens Get Mad...and THEY WILL!

One of the issues parents bring up most often in coaching sessions is how to manage their teenager’s anger.

Parents really struggle when their children are upset and angry, particularly, when they are the reason their teens are mad. Let me assure you that parents who are doing their job will inevitably face an angry, disappointed -- maybe even a hateful – teen. It’s all OK. As parents we set limits, we enforce rules, we say No. And let’s face it; teenagers don’t love No as an answer!

What’s most important to remember is that anger is one of the emotions that our children will display…so we need to be prepared to react appropriately to it.

To Do or Not to Do…That Is the Question

There are some basic Dos and Dont’s for standing firm in the face of a teen-produced storm.

First… the DON'T’s.

…Don’t attend every fight you’re invited to. As seductive as it may be to get drawn in, remember that you’re the parent. You don’t have to engage just because you’ve been baited.

… Don’t try to mollify, manage, shame or blame your teen’s angry feelings. They have a right to their anger (and all their feelings) as long as they don’t act out inappropriately.

…Don’t scream back or respond in kind. Your emotional reaction simply escalates the situation and drives you further from the endgame.

… Don’t try to win the debate. There’s no need to convince your teen that you are right or defend your decision. A parent’s say is the final say.

… Don’t get physical. Ever.

… Don’t be overly rigid. If there’s an opportunity for a win-win, grab it! E.g., They can go out with their friends after Shabbat dinner or their grandparents’ visit, not before.

…Don’t make outsized threats you’ll eventually have to walk back from. In the face of unreasonable threats, angry adolescents don’t have the capacity to respond appropriately. Angry threats only heighten the drama.

…Don’t give in just to end the fight. Teens have tremendous stamina when it comes to getting their way. When you give in, they win – and you lose your credibility and authority for next time.

Now…the DOs.

 ...Do know your values – and articulate them to your teen. Knowing your values means you know what is worth fighting about.

…Do make sure you understand what they want so you can think through the options, as well as what you want the endgame to be. In every situation, ask yourself, “What’s a good outcome?”

...Do stay calm. Walk away if you need to. If a fight escalates, take your own time out to cool down. You’re entitled to a chance to think about how you want to respond versus simply reacting.

...Do be empathic. Use loving language even if their tone is hateful. You can say things like, “I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” Or “I’m super angry about your behavior – but I still love you.”

...Do provide reality testing. Let them know that their strategy of being abusive or hostile or screaming won’t help them get what they want.

...Do offer choices and options. Give your teen the opportunity to devise a plan that satisfies both family values and rules and their desires.

...Do follow through with consequences. If you issue one, be sure to enforce it. Otherwise your kids will learn they can do whatever they want.

...Do accept that your teens may stay mad at you for a while. After all, to their way of thinking, your decision has ruined their life. Eventually, they will calm themselves down.

As parents, we want to be loved and adored by our children all the time. Sadly, that’s not going to happen. Our kids aren’t automatons or reflections of us. As they struggle with growing up, they push back against us because we’re the safest people in their orbit. It’s our job to stand true to our responsibility for and to them. And most importantly to love them, even (especially) when they are angry at or disapproving of us.

If you’re concerned about your teens and anger and want to talk, please call.

How to Raise Kids Who Can 'Love and Be Loved'

Forget about an apple a day keeping the medical doctor away.

If you want to do something to ensure your kids experience backed-by-research benefits like:

·      Higher self esteem

·      Better parent-child communication

·      Improved academic performance

·      Fewer psychological and behavior problems and

·      Better coping skills…

be sure to add copious amounts of affection and acceptance to the healthy foodstuffs you dole out daily.

Need another reason? Parental warmth, affection and acceptance not only foster your child’s psychological development while they’re under your roof, it also impacts the quality of loving relationships they will have as adults.

Learning to “love and be loved” is a fundamental part of being human for all of us. From it comes profound purpose for our lives. It’s what gives us the capacity to go out into the world, confident in our ability to navigate and perhaps even mitigate the complexities of daily life through our personal and professional contributions. For that, we need a secure attachment bond.

Let’s start at the beginning….

Early Attachment – Why it Matters

From the moment of birth, the attachment bond a child develops with the primary caregiver (usually, but not always, the mother) becomes their framework for emotional wellbeing.

Absolutely key to healthy development, the attachment bond is essentially a child's ability to feel responded to by the parent or caregiver. When a child's needs are consistently met at the early stages of life, parent and child grow to trust the other. A secure attachment based on that feeling is what enables kids to separate and differentiate when developmentally appropriate.

Without it, kids can develop what’s called “learned helplessness,” which makes them (as children and later, without intervention, as adults) believe that adverse outcomes are not only to be expected, but also are not controllable or changeable by their own agency.

I can’t overstate how critical parental affection and acceptance are for helping your children develop a secure attachment. Making them feel important, special and cared about – warts and all – is like dressing them in a Teflon® suit that makes it is safe to experiment, to express themselves and to imagine their potential.

Best yet, even when those experiments fail…

that creative expression doesn't merit an audience beyond the living room…

or their ideas to save the world are wildly immature and impractical…

kids with a secure attachment know intrinsically they are still OK – great, even! Their worth and value isn’t defined by what they “do.” It’s their existential “being” that makes them worthy of their parents’ – and others’ – love.

What Does Affection and Acceptance Look Like?

Affection needs to be both broadly defined and responsive to your particular children’s needs and preferences.

Mine? All three love and appreciate physical affection. But not every family – or every kid in every family – is the cuddly type. Be aware of the differences and uniqueness of each of your children. Give them warmth and affection that is meaningful to them – not that which comes easiest to you.

While hugs, kisses and reassuring pats on the back are certainly meaningful demonstrations of love, there are a lot of non-physical actions that express parental love:

·      Relax on the couch and read or watch TV together

·      Sit with them and talk about their day (be sure you’re focus is on them, not on prepping dinner)

·      Build or create something together like a puzzle or model

·      Put a love note in a lunchbox or surprise them with a note on the bathroom mirror that they’ll see as soon as they get up

·      Acknowledge the characteristics that make them unique – not just those that replicate traits you like about yourself

·      When kids leave for overnight camp or college, hide small gifts and notes in their luggage

·      Thank them – even when they’re just doing their chores

·      Tell them, “I’m looking forward to seeing you after school,” so they come to know you think of them even when they’re not around

Parental warmth and affection is an all-the-time activity, NOT JUST WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT. (Excuse the virtual screaming, but this is important.)

We all get angry and frustrated with our kids, sometimes justifiably, sometimes not. But there is never a time when it’s appropriate for a parent to withhold love and acceptance from a child. We need to model that it’s possible to both love our children and be furious with them.

Angry kids often say, “I hate you!” to their parents. Rather than hurling a similar invective, parents need to say, “I understand. I may not like the behaviors I’m seeing, but I still love you.”

If you have teens, you may have noticed that they’ve become less amenable to affection – particularly from the opposite sex parent. But I promise you that teens don’t age out of the need for your warmth and affection. This is especially true when they act in ways that make them hard to love. So the next time your sullen and sarcastic teen starts to steal out the door after a fight, remember to say, “I love you, be safe.” Those moments matter.

No parent is immune to lapses on occasion. In Chicago Tribune columnist’s Heidi Stevens’ recent essay, she admits she’d noticed that the easy delight she’d expressed when her kids were little ones was starting to become “more connected to performance” now that were school-aged. Her personal pledge to “light up” every time she sees her kids is something all of us can emulate.

Why Modeling Adult Affection and Care Matters

Think back to when you were a child. Do you remember seeing your parents hug and kiss, crack one another up, or maybe even dance together? On the surface, you may have felt anything from embarrassment to delight, but at a deeper level seeing one’s parents express affection for one another makes kids feel safe and loved.

Unbeknownst to you – and maybe even to your parents – they were also modeling what to aspire to when it comes to adult relationships.

Here’s the thing: It’s easy for parents to forget that it only works if we model it. We have an assumed parity regarding roles and responsibilities (e.g., you cook, I clean). “Thanks, dear,” is understood. But kids aren’t privy to your adult conversations when you divvy up chores…or the bedtime chats when you take time to connect. So if kids don't hear or witness expressions of appreciation and love between their parents, they either presume they don’t happen – or that they aren’t central to a healthy relationship.

That’s why the tacit must become explicit.

Here’s extra incentive.

Children grow up to treat their partners as they saw their parents treat one another. If we’re inattentive, dismissive or non-affectionate to our mates – intentional or not – that becomes our kids’ blueprint of what to expect when they partner up. And who wants that for their children? No one I know.

So what is appropriate behavior for parents to model?

·      Stop what you’re doing and greet your partner when she or he walks in the door

·      Display affection (hugs, kisses, even just a big smile)

·      Be courteous to one another; say “Please” and “Thank you”

·      Let your kids hear you acknowledge one another’s successes

·      Express empathy when a parent has had a rough day

·      Communicate your appreciation for your partner’s small kindnesses in front of the kids

Still not convinced?  Remember, the goal of parents is to launch their kids after 18 years. The partner? That’s the one we want to keep! So not only does expressing love and appreciation for our partners help our kids, it keeps adult love connections alive as well.

Trust me, there’s enough love to go around. Make sure you express it daily and with gusto!