The Power of Play

Everyone knows what “play” is -- right? It’s peek-a-boo with baby…hide-and-seek with toddlers…tag among school-agers…a teenage pick-up game of basketball…or your family’s favorite board game on game night.

All true. Yet from a developmental standpoint, what may seem like fun of little consequence actually plays a crucial role in many aspects of child development, including social-emotional, motor, cognitive, language, self-regulation, enhanced sense of agency and executive function. Best yet, the developmental benefits of play compound as children age.

Don’t just take it from me. These claims are backed by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which published a free report on the role of play in child development that covers everything from the evolutionary importance of play and its various categories to the developmental benefits for kids and the oft-overlooked positive impact of play on parents and caregivers.

A definition of play that rings most true for me is the one attributed to Maria Montessori: “Play is the ‘work’ of the child.” Through play, kids of all ages develop their brains and bodies, discover the world and find out more about who they are.

Naturally, play looks different at different stages of development.

For little ones, play is how they first learn to interact with the world. The best kind of play for this age group is unstructured, child-directed and rule-less. That means parents can be encouraging and engaged, but hands-off when it comes to trying to “teach” kids too much. Let your child play with the shape-sorter, just don’t get overly involved in having them ‘do it right’.

With toddlers, you’ve no doubt noticed that a fair bit of their play is parallel play. It’s not uncommon to see toddlers playing side-by-side with others with similar toys, but without a lot of interaction. Such play may looksolitary, but your child is intently observing, listening to and learning from the kids around them, which is a critical precursor to collaborative play.

No matter the setting, all play for little ones is learning time. Even throwing things (if I move my arm and let the toy go it flies across the room) is an education of sorts. So as long as your kid is safe during playtime, don’t impose rules or restraints on them; that’s key.

What happens next is imitation. Pre-schoolers do what they see. They play doctor, mommy, grocery store…mimicking the real-life activities they witness during their days. The importance of this type of practice-and-rehearsal play is that it gives youngsters ample opportunity for social interaction with playmates, siblings, and/or parents.

For late pre-schoolers and early primary school, play becomes a critical component in language development, the ability to focus and to be empathic toward others. Play is a supremely creative pursuit at this age, with kids creating games with imaginary characters and fantastical landscapes, complete with their own set of rules. Parents are wise to support their kids’ creativity by providing parameters or props or simple ideas to prompt their imagination. For example, suggest they pretend the living room is full of hot lava, then stand back and watch what happens.

Again, resist the urge to pitch in with too many suggestions. Best not to squash your kids’ creativity -- even if it doesn’t mesh with your sensibilities. I know a mom whose 6-year-old who, after completing her chore of clearing the dinner table, turned it into a fort. To be honest, if it had been me, I likely would have been frustrated and asked my child to clean it up. However, this thoughtful mom exclaimed, “Honey - that’s so cool! Let’s leave it like that until tomorrow and then we can play in it when you come home from school!” That brilliant response, allowed her daughter to truly be seen and recognized in that moment AND didn't derail bedtime preparations. The next afternoon spent under the table in the child's invented world demonstrates the power of play.

If you happen to be one of those families like mine where play is part of the fabric of family life, you’ll discover that over play, conversation with even recalcitrant teens is easier because of the more relaxed environment. Play is fun and lighthearted, and in that environment it won’t feel like an inquisition when you ask how school went. Play takes the pressure off teens, too. As adults, parents can forget just how onerous the pressures of adolescence can be; so, relish the chance for your teen to feel like a kid again.

Family play is a relief from the rigors of life for everyone -- parents included. It’s so easy for us to get on our proverbial treadmills and go about the business of crossing things off that ever-growing to-do list. You may even discover, as many businesses have, that if you want to be more effective and productive, parents would be wise to tap into the surprising power of play themselves.

It’s impossible to overstress how “powerful” play is as child development tool. Playing around is not something kids just do. Far from it. When they’re little, it’s their entire interaction with the world. As they age, it grounds their motor development and teaches them social constructs. Further on, play helps them foster imagination, build relationships and offers a break and release from the cares of the world…something parents and kids alike benefit from.

From my point of view, play is as essential as nutrition, sleep and sunlight. In other words, it’s essential to life. So get to it!

How to Craft a DIY Safe, Fun (& Resilient) COVID Summer

In my last post -- presuming that 2020 would not be summer as usual -- I advised parents to think “what if”, evaluate your risk tolerance and turn to your tribe to lay the groundwork for when summertime decision time arrived.

Well…it’s here.

While a number of states are cautiously reopening, some parents have  already decided that it feels too risky for them to have their kids away from home in any capacity this summer. Other parents, who had hoped the kids could still attend their annual camp, are just now hearing about 2020 closings or deciding against the relatively restrictive and rather un-camp-like CDC guidelines for summer camps.

As a result, both working and stay-at-home parents are surrendering to the idea that summer 2020 is going to be a DIY project for the whole family.

But first, there are feelings to be shared. Lots of feelings.

As the pandemic morphed from the early days of uncertainty to weeks of cancellations and shut-downs, children of all ages have had to endure an unending string of disappointments in a very short period of time. Even so, there remained the hope that “maybe” the virus would be contained by summer and they could resume some sense of normalcy.

Now that has been taken from them too.

The result? Kids are grieving -- and need their parents to help them navigate yet another loss.

Over and over in my blog, I’ve talked about how parents can help kids feel seen and validated, whatever their feelings. The “guidance” is even more important during COVID:

·      Give kids space to share their frustration and anger without criticizing or judging

·      Acknowledge the depth of their disappointment and grief; don’t minimize it

·      Validate their feelings and be empathic

·      Take the opportunity to teach (or remind) them that feelings are fluid and don’t last forever

·      Reassure them that you’re confident they will get through it

·      Let them know they can come to you whenever their negative feelings resurface or flare up

·      Provide the wider perspective of the global experience and their relative privilege  

·      Help them shift their focus to the things they can control  

As a parent coach and educational therapist, I’d be remiss if I didn’t call out the huge side benefit of helping kids manage their negative emotions due to the pandemic -- and that’s strengthening their resilience in the face of obstacles.

And as famed author and parenting pro Julie Lythcott-Haims points out, “Maybe this is an opportunity for children to reclaim some of the very best aspects of childhood that we’ve paved over with enrichment programs.” Indeed.

Even with those upsides, the question remains: what are the options for kids this summer now that baseball games, camp, pools, sleepovers, amusement parks and all the other traditional activities of summertime are no longer part of the equation?

One thing’s for sure. Some of the best answers for how to spend Summer 2020 will emerge by giving our kids a leading role. In fact, giving children a sense of responsibility and ownership over their summer is yet another resilience- and creativity-building process. Not to mention, giving kids agency over hot to craft a fun summer translates to the type of buy-in that money and pleading just can’t buy.

A family meeting is a great place to start the brainstorming. With the oldest child or a parent acting as the scribe, let your kids imagine how they might turn their favorite summertime activities into things they can safely do at home. Suggest weekly themes to riff off of. Explore online classes and virtual activities. Schedule a camping weekend in your backyard. Add a hefty dose of DIY opportunities. Build in a variety of skill-learning options -- with end-of-summer prizes and awards. Allow for some screen and reading time, too.

And be prepared for meltdowns, frustration and the “growth opportunity” that frustration will bring (including your own!).

I’m not suggesting that creating a bespoke summer camp will be a cakewalk -- nor do I for a second underestimate the enormous logistics effort required to get kids signed up, supplies bought and guardrails put in place. Yet I maintain that the pandemic offers parents the chance to acknowledge the profound loss for the entire family -- and to project the confidence that as a family, you’ll get through it.

There are tons of resources online - almost too many. So I’ve compiled a short list of options (see below), that run the gamut from camp-in-a-box deliveries to DIY projects for all ages to interactive virtual camps on subjects from fashion to ocean science to get you started. Many are offering discounts due to the pandemic and several are free.

Summer is here, whether we are ready or not; if you need support, I’m here.

SUMMER 2020 Online Resources

activityhero.com  Hub for live interactive classes and camps including fashion, cooking, coding, ocean science and more for kids of all ages.

camp.wonderopolis.org   FREE online summer-learning destination.

connectedcamps.com   Founded by three “girls geeks,” this nonprofit focuses on the positive potential of tech. Game design and architecture largely through Minecraft platform. Ages 8-17

creativebug.com   Arts and crafts activities taught through award-winning videos. 

diy.org   Clearinghouse for step-by-step video instruction on a variety of projects for kids capable of independent work. Rube goldberg machines, drawing demos, sewing activities and more.

idtech.com   Virtual weeklong tech camps + online private lessons in coding, STEM, game development, etc. Ages 7+.  

https://www.musicinst.org. Music Institue of Chicago. Private lessons and groups K-12, beginners on up. Musical theater camps and teaching how to play an instrument.

https://www.nashvillechildrenstheatre.org   Fully integrated and interactive online theater classes -- including online productions -- for ages 8-18.

mycampbox.com    Joys and crafts of summer camp delivered to your doorstep. Interactive elements including Campfire Chats via Zoom. Ages 6+.

outschool.com   Fun, social and safe online learning experiences over live video for kids 3-18.

ctd.northwestern.edu   Center for Talent Development at Northwestern is offering online opportunities for kids from pre-school through high school.

unicoistudio.com   “Together we Camp” art projects to go plus live virtual classes.

varsitytutors.com    Week long camps. K-12. 1 hour live daily classes taught by celebrity instructors.

wideopenschool.org   A FREE online learning resource hub for all ages, including virtual field trips.

Happy Holidays From My Modern Family

As I write this, I have one child home from college, one in the air en route after finishing up first semester, and one due home tomorrow night following his last full work week of 2019. I am so excited to have them all home and looking forward to family time.

I think many of my readers would be surprised to learn what I mean by family time because my modern family isn’t exactly traditional.  I have been divorced for 11 years. My children’s father is happily remarried to an amazing woman. I am happily dating a terrific man, who has a lovely 17 year-old daughter. Family time includes all of these people, and often more. When we are lucky,and geographical location permits, family time includes grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I believe that family should be defined in the broadest way possible; so, family time also includes close friends who feel like family: people who love your children, cherish the connections, and support and celebrate you.

I can’t wait to cook together, share meals, play games, explore our amazing city and laugh (we do that a lot).

The holiday season is an opportunity to celebrate your unique family. Create traditions that honor your family and make it special. Try not to spend time focusing on what you don’t have or what you might wish you did. Rather, let gratitude for what you do have permeate your experiences.

Happy Holidays from my modern family to yours!

How to Use the Power of Intention(al Parenting) to Create Meaningful Holidays

Consider the key elements of a “picture perfect” holiday season:

• Low stress

• High satisfaction

• No (or limited) family drama

• Meaningful experiences

• Memorable takeaways

Sounds good, right? Especially when you consider the alternative: a stress-filled, commercially driven, energy-draining slog from now to the end of the year!

I’m a parenting coach (and mother of three), so I never promise perfection…but I know from experience that no matter which holiday(s) you celebrate as you close out 2019, taking an intentional parenting approach to planning for and celebrating these special days can make a marked difference in your family’s experience.

Read on to discover how making just a few mindful adjustments to seven major components of the holiday season can make what is often a high-pressure, lengthy to-do list into a family affair of shared effort and satisfying times. And don’t forget to get everyone engaged. Even little kids can take part by decorating cookies, making menorahs and helping tidy up their toys when company is due.

Gifts.  If gifts are an essential part of the holidays for you and your kids, revel in it. Just be intentional about it.

How? Let’s say one of your children has become interested in fitness and health. Show them that what they values matters to you by getting them a gym membership or new workout clothes. Buy them a new healthy-eating cookbook or a set of weights and resistance bands for the house. Put a new pair of sneakers under the tree. You get the (themed) picture.

Another intentional gift-giving strategy that minimizes parental stress and gets our kids involved is a family-giving circle. In one popular scenario, all the cousins names get thrown in a hat and each cousin is responsible for identifying a gift for their pick within a certain price range. The guessing games about who picked whom, the relief aunts and uncles feel for not having to buy for all and the big reveal when gifts are exchanged can make it fun for everyone.

If you’d like to rein in the amount of gifts you give, consider the 4-gift rule, whereby parents give their offspring four presents total. Something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. For some families, such restraint can be a radical departure from tradition, but if all family members are on board it can be an interesting approach to try – even if just for one year. Feel free to create your own four categories.

Another approach for gifts is bespoke, fancy-speak for hand- or custom-made. If you or your kids have a special talent (or just an adorable palm print), homemade gifts can be among the most meaningful to receive because of the personal effort that went into producing them. Hand print aprons were a hit with grandma in my house! And lots of people can enjoy sweet or savory home-roasted nuts or peppermint bark in a festive tin.

Giving.  Are you a family that leans more toward giving then getting? If so, you’ve probably already staked out a philanthropic intention for your holiday. Take time to share your commitments with your children. The dollar amount isn’t important; rather, it is an opportunity to articulate your values. A second intention could be to make holiday giving a family activity. For example, ask each of your children to adopt a cause that has personal meaning for them and help them come up with some novel ideas for how to make a meaningful contribution. If your kids receive an allowance or have money of their own, offer to match their personal contribution toward the cost of the donation to double their impact. Here are a few ideas:

• Your young animal lover could go to a big-box store and pick up food and toys to drop off at a local pet shelter

• Your bookworm can gather up some treasured books to donate to the local library or a school in need.

• Children of every age can go through their closets for unused or gently used clothes and toys that can be donated to a local center that serves families in need

Traditions.  Holiday traditions cover a wide range of activities, but all of them are focused on one thing: bringing your family together to create meaningful moments your kids will remember their whole lives.

Remember…creating memorable traditions isn’t about what you do – it’s about how intentional you are in making sure they happen – year after year. That’s how you create a family story that endures. There are as many traditions as there are families who have them. Here are a few:

• Read “The Night Before Christmas” on Christmas Eve after everyone is ready for bed.

• Have “breakfast for dinner” on Thanksgiving Eve

• Let your kids take turns lighting the Mishumaa Saba or the Menorah

• Write a love letter to your spouse for New Year’s Day

• Take an annual photo of the kids lined up from oldest to youngest in the same spot

• Celebrate HFCDTTTGSAOCSOTC Day! (Read the post to learn more about it!)  

One of my personal favorites is creating a holiday card that contains a photo of your kids “past’ and “present” in the same pose.

Family Experiences.  Digital gadgets eventually get obsolete (or replaced by newer models) and trendy items can go out of style or out of favor. But a family trip? That’s the kind of gift that keeps on giving!

Opting to create a memorable travel experience is one way to intentionally put the focus on family during the holidays. Not everyone has the means or time to travel, so be sure to weave special family experiences into the fabric of each year’s celebration. Consider an annual mother-son date to see a musical, holiday-themed game nights and a dress-up family portrait.

Or wrap up a family experience “coupon” for the family to enjoy in the new year. Waterpark passes, museum memberships, a downtown hotel stay or an art or cooking class for the family are just a few options to consider.

Food.  We all have favorite dishes we make and eat each year. I encourage you to bring your children into the kitchen.  Share family recipes and get the kids involved. I have so many memories of being in my mother’s kitchen and helping, watching and sampling…long before I discovered my own love of cooking. And don’t be shy about asking family and friends to bring a dish too so the burden isn’t anyone’s to bear alone. Even offering to pick up ice can be a big help for a hostess. Try extending your holiday intentionality to food as well. There’s something about the holidays that compels many of us to over-cook and/or overeat! Keep in mind some tenets of mindful eating as you indulge in the treats of the season.

Going Beyond Your Nuclear Family.  One of the benefits of any holiday – especially those at the end of the year – is that the world slows down, giving us extra time to celebrate with our tribe. As a child, one of my favorite holiday traditions was having a friend over for one of the nights of Hanukkah – then going to her house the night her family trimmed the Christmas tree! I also enjoy baking holiday cookies with friends and everyone goes home with a full tin of different treats.

As you consider how to celebrate with family, be sure to make plans with your besties and their families. There’s a richness there that shouldn’t be missed.

Spirituality.  If you follow a religious or spiritual path, be sure to make your faith tradition an intentional aspect of your family’s holiday experience. That alone makes clear your intention to broaden the meaning of the holidays beyond the commercial. If there’s an ancient narrative associated with it, retell the story aloud at the dinner table and talk about its meaning and why we commemorate it. Or attend religious services as a family.

Being intentional about how we celebrate year-end holidays doesn’t eliminate all the stresses and hard work involved in making holidays a cherished family time. But this I will promise: being intentional will help you prioritize your time and choices and will make the holiday season better!

Happy Holidays – however you celebrate!

p.s.  Please send your tips for having an intentional holiday to danahirtparenting@gmail.com

3 Things Every Family Needs

Family – at least the construct traditionally defined as two opposite-sex parents and their biological children – was considered the norm (and by extension, the “best” for kids) for most of the last century. But no longer.

The notion of family has moved away from rigid structures and defined roles, morphing and expanding significantly. From step to extended, blended to adoptive, gay to single, multi-cultural to co-parent…what makes a family the best one for children is one in which there is the greatest amount of three vital ingredients: love, safety and acceptance.

And it doesn’t matter which adults that love and acceptance comes from. Of course kids need what “parents” can do and contribute to children, but you don’t need a “mom” and a “dad” to take optimum care of children and give them what they need to become healthy adults.

I’m not saying traditional families aren’t valuable or sound, but its not the only way to parent intentionally or effectively. No matter your current situation, it’s always a plus to invite other people into your family circle – through your community, church, school or other affiliation – who can help you create the type of family you know is best.

I tell my kids all the time – still – that the rest of the world can say all it wants about them, but they can count on the fact that our family will always be the safest place on earth for them.

And just for the record, our family isn’t just the 4 of us.

For starters, it’s me, my 3 young-adult kids, my ex-husband and our two extended families, which include stepsiblings. Add to that my ex’s wife, her parents, my boyfriend and his family, plus a coterie of adult friends and their kids who have been welcomed into our family (and us into theirs) over the years, and you get a sense of just how broad my notion of family has become.

Here are a few real-life examples of how that works:

Because of my ex-husband’s schedule, he was unable to attend our youngest’s recent parents’ weekend at college. So his wife joined me instead and the 3 of us had a great time exploring the campus and town together.

Then there’s our holiday plan. Since there is a finite amount of time all 3 kids can be together over the winter break, we’ve decided all of us, including the kids’ father and his wife – will go on an unbelievable cruise to Antarctica together! 

This one I just love: A couple of years ago, my youngest son Quincy and I were at an event and we were introduced to a gentleman. When he found out my son’s name was Quincy, he said, “How unusual! You’re the second ‘Quincy’ I’ve heard about this week.” It turned out that Quincy had sent his stepmom an email requesting donations to a charitable organization with which he was engaged. She had forwarded it to her father. “Grandpa” not only made a donation himself, but he forwarded the email to his vast list of contacts. The man at the event? He was one of those contacts and he, too, made a donation to Quincy’s cause!

So if you feel constrained by society’s once-meager definition of family – broaden it! For sure, kids need what “moms” and “dads” can do and give to them – but those roles needn’t be defined by gender or biology. So go ahead and welcome in trusted people who will model and bestow the love, safety and acceptance every child needs to become a loving and accepting adult.

There is so much in life we cannot control – but we can control who we let into our children’s lives and our homes. The best part about it is that we each get to choose who’s in our family, making sure our kids get the maximum amount of love, safety and acceptance available.

Now that’s a family I want to be a part of.

Tips for a Super-Fun Family Summer

I’m a huge proponent of family fun – as my last post on special ways to celebrate your family makes clear.

While there are a number of ways to cement family bonds, one of my favorites is to simply have fun together. After all, when you live in a city like Chicago famous for its long cold winters, the sudden and momentous return of summertime signals “family fun” like no other season of the year. So let’s get to it.

The beauty of summer – and what makes it particularly advantageous for families – is that it represents a departure from the structured world of the school year. Whether you are working inside or outside the home, the array of academic and extra-curricular activities your kids have leaves precious little time for carefree family activities during the school year.

Let’s take dinner. When children have ball or band practice after school – and  homework that evening – dinner is simply about providing nutrition.

But summertime? Even something as banal as supper can become a fun family activity. How?

·      Get everyone involved in packing a picnic to take to your favorite neighborhood park

·      Throw some pre-made pizza crusts on the grill, and have a contest to see who can create the most outlandish (yet edible) pie

·      Go to a family-friendly restaurant with outdoor seating – and bring along a deck of cards for a quick game after ordering or eating

·      Let the kids do the menu-planning, shopping and cooking! (a personal favorite)

See what I mean?

Making summertime a prime time for family fun is largely a mindset, and now is the time to shift yours so this summer can become one of your family’s best ever. Hyperbole aside, there are a few caveats.

CAVEAT #1    What your kids don’t need to know is that family summertime fun is not just about fun. Summer can be a growth opportunity. With intentional parents at the helm, kids can get lots of opportunities to exercise their executive functioning muscles (organizing, planning and executing a plan; understanding different points of view; regulating emotions (like when a rainstorm makes plans go awry). Their regular muscles can get some additional action, too, when you try new sports or activities together.

CAVEAT #2   Summer can be a stressor. Working parents face the anxiety of getting their kids into enough camps and classes and park activities so they can show up for their jobs. Stay-at-home parents may fear having their kids around 24/7 with less of the quiet or private time they’ve come to rely on during the school year.

CAVEAT #3    Transitions are difficult for kids (for parents, too), particularly the ones out of and eventually back into the school year. So give your family a break if things aren’t picture-perfect.

CAVEAT #4   Speaking of pictures…your family’s “fun” doesn’t have to look like any other family’s, nor does it have to pass the Instagram test. It simply needs to meet the needs of your particular unit.

Now let’s get back to making this summer great! Here are two basic strategies to help kick-start the season.

Have a family meeting. This is the time for everyone to come up with a few must-dos / wanna-dos for summer 2018. Out of that brainstorming session, create a bucket list that includes something for everyone. Here are just a few ideas you might want to consider:

·       Virtually every city offers family-centric activities, many of which are free or very low-cost; assign one of your kids the task of doing a bit of online research to see what’s available in your city

·      Make reading a fun family activity by selecting a book to read aloud one night each week (i.e., no book report required!)

·      Plant a garden in your backyard or join a community garden

·      Be a tourist in your own city and explore some of the neighborhoods you’ve never been to before

·       Let each of your kids include their friends in one family activity each month (dinner is a great option here, especially when you put them in charge!)

·       Speaking of dinner, try a cuisine your family has never eaten. Vietnamese, anyone?

 Approach the summer season intentionally and mindfully. You know your kids and what they need, and have no doubt already put into place the right amount and variety of structured activities and camps. But if summertime is all structure, your kids miss out the bounty of ideas and self-awareness that comes from some freedom and un-structured activities. That’s where parents need to exercise intentionality. Here are some ideas in this regard:

·      Don’t be freaked out if your kids just want to laze around the house or backyard some days. Resist the urge to keep them busy. With freedom and downtime, kids become more adept at finding out what interests them. It’s actually an important lesson to know how to entertain oneself!

·      Make and take some downtime for yourself – no matter what

·      Consider if this summer is a good time for a philanthropic activity everyone participates in

·      Limit screens – for everyone in the family

How can a working parent practice intentional parenting during the summer?

·      Consider using your PTO to spend at least one day a month with each one of your kids alone for a special activity. Taking time off “just because” sends a powerful message to kids.

·      Check with your manager regarding flex time. Many companies have official or unofficial summer policies or, if not, may be amenable to an idea you propose

·      Stay connected with your kids as much as you can with a phone call during lunchtime

Being an intentional parent also means setting realistic expectations – for everyone in the family. No parent can make summertime fun-central from dawn to dusk. You still need to go to work, do the laundry and pay the bills. If you haven’t already, make this the summer you lift the veil on all the things you do as parents to make your kids lives comfortable.

It’s a great way to teach your kids to be empathic to someone else’s experience. I’m certainly not advocating you play the martyr, but it’s perfectly legitimate to say, “Listen guys – Tasks A, B, C and D need to get done this week – in addition to all the fun stuff we’d like to do. Let’s figure out who will do what and when.” You just may be surprised how eager they are to help (especially the younger ones!)

A clean house and a day at the fair? Sounds like fun to me!

The Importance of ‘Family Time’ When College Kids Come Home For Break

Last year your junior successfully completed the college selection process I blogged about, survived the college campus visits during senior year and has been happily ensconced in his or her ideal-fit university since September.

Then came Thanksgiving break. Prior to their arrival, you’d imagined leafy walks arm-in-arm with your offspring or, at the very least, looked forward to seeing their shining face across the Thanksgiving table laden with their favorite foods.

What happened? They graced you with their presence for 45 fleeting minutes during the entire four-day weekend! And you had to share that time with the family pet who was greeted with more enthusiasm.

No more, you promised yourself. Come Winter break, that wayward child is going to spend time with the family – and love it!

Doesn’t sound like much fun, does it?

What could be satisfying, though, is a negotiated two-party solution. Your newly independence-loving college freshman agrees to a set amount of family time in exchange for the freedom to catch up with their besties and do everything else that college kids long to do during their month off.

Getting there will take more than a wish and a prayer – but not much more. Here is what I recommend:

Communicate your needs and expectations.

Begin a conversation before Winter Break so everyone fares better between semesters. Naturally, every family is going to have different needs and desires about how much family time is enough. No matter the amount, the tactic is the same: Clearly communicate exactly what it is you and your co-parent want and need from your kids. That’s critical, because they won’t have any idea what we’re expecting if we don’t tell them. For example, I typically ask my home-for-the-holidays kids for one or two family dinners per week, as well as their presence with our extended brood on the actual holidays. Any other family time (and it turns out, there’s plenty) is a bonus.

Articulate the “Why.”

Saying what we want isn’t enough. Parents need to communicate why family time matters. This is a values conversation, and I never miss an opportunity to tie my values into my conversations with my kids. I happen to believe spending time together is one of the best ways to strengthen our family community. So I make sure I remind them of that.

Manage unreasonable expectations.

Rein in on asking for the moon. Once our kids are in college, it’s not appropriate for us to hold them hostage 24/7 when they’re home. When you carefully examine your own expectations of them and make reasonable requests, you model for them how to navigate differences and be respectful others. For example, while my college kids don’t have a nightly curfew, per se, I tell them that when they come home at 3 am it’s disruptive to me. Let them know you understand their needs (to see their friends; lounge in their rooms; paint the town), too.

Acknowledge when they do as you’ve asked.

The power of “Thank you” cannot be overestimated. Don’t take it for granted that you asked your kids for something important to you and they did it! Not only does it make our kids feel appreciated for making the effort, subsequent visits home are much more likely to go better too. 

So, if Thanksgiving wasn’t everything you hoped it would be, make sure you wrap up this all-important conversation sooner rather than later. Once they leave, email me and let me know how it went!