The Unexpected Benefits of Blended Families

During the 2020 presidential campaign, the Biden/Harris ticket put more than their policies and plans before the American public: they put their very blended, very modern families front and center too.

And with all due props to the attention given the multiple-ceiling-shattering career achievements of Madam Vice President, I have been equally pleased to see the media focus on her multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi-faith family, because it makes explicit the reality that many families live every day.

Couples divorce. Spouses die. Sexual orientations shift. When new marriages and partnerships happen, children can find themselves living in homes with a new ‘parent’ or new ‘siblings’ they may not know very well - or perhaps don’t even like. That makes for a lot of shifting and readjusting for everyone, to be sure.

Do family members move easily from the old to the new? Seldom. That’s why parents and kids alike need support through the rupture, pain and trauma of family dissolution. The adjustment often includes challenges like dealing with different discipline styles at each parent’s home, the overnight change in “birth order” for kids in blended families, and how best to respond when step siblings don’t (or won’t) get along.

There is no minimizing the effort and energy moving through the transition requires. So if you’re in this situation now, I encourage you to get professional support.

Yet I promise you this: there is a huge upside on the other side of the pain. Eventually, the diversity and richness of blended families far outweigh the ruptures and heartache that precipitated their creation.

My own life is a case in point.

My parents divorced more than 40 years ago, when my siblings and I ranged in age from 9 to 12. Sad to say the divorce and subsequent co-parenting were contentious. While there was much heartache to resolve about my nuclear family’s split, the multiple blessings that resulted from both my parents’ remarriages was an outcome I never could have anticipated.

For starters, I gained a bonus parent who I have long considered “step” in legal name only, someone that has been there for me, supporting me at every turn and fulsomely embracing the role of grandparent.

I went from having just 2 siblings to being one of 7 -- all of whom have become a real support system to me, not to mention the 12 amazing nieces and nephews they have provided!

After my own marriage ended when our three kids were elementary school-aged, their father and I were able to create a mutually supportive co-parenting arrangement that put our children’s welfare first. While at first it felt as if my family shrunk from “the 5 of us” to “just the 4 of us” -- in time and with mindful attention, it eventually expanded to include my ex-husband’s new wife, her parents and sibling, my ex-in-laws, as well as my new partner, his daughter and family.

For sure we share fun times like family vacation adventures, milestone birthdays and graduations. During our quarantined holidays at the end of 2020, we created a “WTF” (With the Family”) event with bespoke T-shirts, wherein each family member was responsible for planning a day’s worth of games and activities. Equally important to the fun we have, our combined family means there are that many more adult heads in the game when one of “our” kids need help or want advice.

An in-the-public-eye exemplar of the power of blended families is the reaction of quarterback Tom Brady’s ex-partner after he and his team clinched the win to put them in Super Bowl LV.

In an Instagram post, Brady’s ex-partner Bridget Moynahan posted in support of Brady’s accomplishments. While her post was admiring and celebratory of Brady, what she really was doing was telling her son, “This is how I honor and treat your father.” In my book, that’s a win for that entire clan. Hundreds of Instagram and Twitter users agreed.

The pandemic has also “blended” families that weren’t expecting it. Adult children, having lost a job due to the coronavirus or needing to care for elderly relatives, move back into their childhood homes, grandchildren in tow. Such situations, while challenging in predictable ways, offer young parents and their kids the opportunity to re-experience the safety and security of loving, albeit imperfect, parents.

Not all stories I hear about are as heartwarming. Far too often, exes won’t play fair with their spouses -- no matter how much it damages the kids. Sadly, unless and until the offending parents are willing to focus on family strategies that would be more beneficial, it’s up to the healthier spouse to put their attention on the things that are in their locus of control and appreciate what is working.

The beauty of blended families is that they’re bigger than any one individual. Every member plays a part in its success by their willing to look at themselves and say, “Sure - this isn’t what I thought would happen to my family, but what things are in my control? How can I be empowered to contribute? What are the blessings available to me in this new situation?”

With a resilient mindset like that, I guarantee you’ll create a rich, diverse and loving place for everyone in the family to land.

Happy Holidays From My Modern Family

As I write this, I have one child home from college, one in the air en route after finishing up first semester, and one due home tomorrow night following his last full work week of 2019. I am so excited to have them all home and looking forward to family time.

I think many of my readers would be surprised to learn what I mean by family time because my modern family isn’t exactly traditional.  I have been divorced for 11 years. My children’s father is happily remarried to an amazing woman. I am happily dating a terrific man, who has a lovely 17 year-old daughter. Family time includes all of these people, and often more. When we are lucky,and geographical location permits, family time includes grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I believe that family should be defined in the broadest way possible; so, family time also includes close friends who feel like family: people who love your children, cherish the connections, and support and celebrate you.

I can’t wait to cook together, share meals, play games, explore our amazing city and laugh (we do that a lot).

The holiday season is an opportunity to celebrate your unique family. Create traditions that honor your family and make it special. Try not to spend time focusing on what you don’t have or what you might wish you did. Rather, let gratitude for what you do have permeate your experiences.

Happy Holidays from my modern family to yours!

How to Use the Power of Intention(al Parenting) to Create Meaningful Holidays

Consider the key elements of a “picture perfect” holiday season:

• Low stress

• High satisfaction

• No (or limited) family drama

• Meaningful experiences

• Memorable takeaways

Sounds good, right? Especially when you consider the alternative: a stress-filled, commercially driven, energy-draining slog from now to the end of the year!

I’m a parenting coach (and mother of three), so I never promise perfection…but I know from experience that no matter which holiday(s) you celebrate as you close out 2019, taking an intentional parenting approach to planning for and celebrating these special days can make a marked difference in your family’s experience.

Read on to discover how making just a few mindful adjustments to seven major components of the holiday season can make what is often a high-pressure, lengthy to-do list into a family affair of shared effort and satisfying times. And don’t forget to get everyone engaged. Even little kids can take part by decorating cookies, making menorahs and helping tidy up their toys when company is due.

Gifts.  If gifts are an essential part of the holidays for you and your kids, revel in it. Just be intentional about it.

How? Let’s say one of your children has become interested in fitness and health. Show them that what they values matters to you by getting them a gym membership or new workout clothes. Buy them a new healthy-eating cookbook or a set of weights and resistance bands for the house. Put a new pair of sneakers under the tree. You get the (themed) picture.

Another intentional gift-giving strategy that minimizes parental stress and gets our kids involved is a family-giving circle. In one popular scenario, all the cousins names get thrown in a hat and each cousin is responsible for identifying a gift for their pick within a certain price range. The guessing games about who picked whom, the relief aunts and uncles feel for not having to buy for all and the big reveal when gifts are exchanged can make it fun for everyone.

If you’d like to rein in the amount of gifts you give, consider the 4-gift rule, whereby parents give their offspring four presents total. Something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. For some families, such restraint can be a radical departure from tradition, but if all family members are on board it can be an interesting approach to try – even if just for one year. Feel free to create your own four categories.

Another approach for gifts is bespoke, fancy-speak for hand- or custom-made. If you or your kids have a special talent (or just an adorable palm print), homemade gifts can be among the most meaningful to receive because of the personal effort that went into producing them. Hand print aprons were a hit with grandma in my house! And lots of people can enjoy sweet or savory home-roasted nuts or peppermint bark in a festive tin.

Giving.  Are you a family that leans more toward giving then getting? If so, you’ve probably already staked out a philanthropic intention for your holiday. Take time to share your commitments with your children. The dollar amount isn’t important; rather, it is an opportunity to articulate your values. A second intention could be to make holiday giving a family activity. For example, ask each of your children to adopt a cause that has personal meaning for them and help them come up with some novel ideas for how to make a meaningful contribution. If your kids receive an allowance or have money of their own, offer to match their personal contribution toward the cost of the donation to double their impact. Here are a few ideas:

• Your young animal lover could go to a big-box store and pick up food and toys to drop off at a local pet shelter

• Your bookworm can gather up some treasured books to donate to the local library or a school in need.

• Children of every age can go through their closets for unused or gently used clothes and toys that can be donated to a local center that serves families in need

Traditions.  Holiday traditions cover a wide range of activities, but all of them are focused on one thing: bringing your family together to create meaningful moments your kids will remember their whole lives.

Remember…creating memorable traditions isn’t about what you do – it’s about how intentional you are in making sure they happen – year after year. That’s how you create a family story that endures. There are as many traditions as there are families who have them. Here are a few:

• Read “The Night Before Christmas” on Christmas Eve after everyone is ready for bed.

• Have “breakfast for dinner” on Thanksgiving Eve

• Let your kids take turns lighting the Mishumaa Saba or the Menorah

• Write a love letter to your spouse for New Year’s Day

• Take an annual photo of the kids lined up from oldest to youngest in the same spot

• Celebrate HFCDTTTGSAOCSOTC Day! (Read the post to learn more about it!)  

One of my personal favorites is creating a holiday card that contains a photo of your kids “past’ and “present” in the same pose.

Family Experiences.  Digital gadgets eventually get obsolete (or replaced by newer models) and trendy items can go out of style or out of favor. But a family trip? That’s the kind of gift that keeps on giving!

Opting to create a memorable travel experience is one way to intentionally put the focus on family during the holidays. Not everyone has the means or time to travel, so be sure to weave special family experiences into the fabric of each year’s celebration. Consider an annual mother-son date to see a musical, holiday-themed game nights and a dress-up family portrait.

Or wrap up a family experience “coupon” for the family to enjoy in the new year. Waterpark passes, museum memberships, a downtown hotel stay or an art or cooking class for the family are just a few options to consider.

Food.  We all have favorite dishes we make and eat each year. I encourage you to bring your children into the kitchen.  Share family recipes and get the kids involved. I have so many memories of being in my mother’s kitchen and helping, watching and sampling…long before I discovered my own love of cooking. And don’t be shy about asking family and friends to bring a dish too so the burden isn’t anyone’s to bear alone. Even offering to pick up ice can be a big help for a hostess. Try extending your holiday intentionality to food as well. There’s something about the holidays that compels many of us to over-cook and/or overeat! Keep in mind some tenets of mindful eating as you indulge in the treats of the season.

Going Beyond Your Nuclear Family.  One of the benefits of any holiday – especially those at the end of the year – is that the world slows down, giving us extra time to celebrate with our tribe. As a child, one of my favorite holiday traditions was having a friend over for one of the nights of Hanukkah – then going to her house the night her family trimmed the Christmas tree! I also enjoy baking holiday cookies with friends and everyone goes home with a full tin of different treats.

As you consider how to celebrate with family, be sure to make plans with your besties and their families. There’s a richness there that shouldn’t be missed.

Spirituality.  If you follow a religious or spiritual path, be sure to make your faith tradition an intentional aspect of your family’s holiday experience. That alone makes clear your intention to broaden the meaning of the holidays beyond the commercial. If there’s an ancient narrative associated with it, retell the story aloud at the dinner table and talk about its meaning and why we commemorate it. Or attend religious services as a family.

Being intentional about how we celebrate year-end holidays doesn’t eliminate all the stresses and hard work involved in making holidays a cherished family time. But this I will promise: being intentional will help you prioritize your time and choices and will make the holiday season better!

Happy Holidays – however you celebrate!

p.s.  Please send your tips for having an intentional holiday to danahirtparenting@gmail.com

3 Things Every Family Needs

Family – at least the construct traditionally defined as two opposite-sex parents and their biological children – was considered the norm (and by extension, the “best” for kids) for most of the last century. But no longer.

The notion of family has moved away from rigid structures and defined roles, morphing and expanding significantly. From step to extended, blended to adoptive, gay to single, multi-cultural to co-parent…what makes a family the best one for children is one in which there is the greatest amount of three vital ingredients: love, safety and acceptance.

And it doesn’t matter which adults that love and acceptance comes from. Of course kids need what “parents” can do and contribute to children, but you don’t need a “mom” and a “dad” to take optimum care of children and give them what they need to become healthy adults.

I’m not saying traditional families aren’t valuable or sound, but its not the only way to parent intentionally or effectively. No matter your current situation, it’s always a plus to invite other people into your family circle – through your community, church, school or other affiliation – who can help you create the type of family you know is best.

I tell my kids all the time – still – that the rest of the world can say all it wants about them, but they can count on the fact that our family will always be the safest place on earth for them.

And just for the record, our family isn’t just the 4 of us.

For starters, it’s me, my 3 young-adult kids, my ex-husband and our two extended families, which include stepsiblings. Add to that my ex’s wife, her parents, my boyfriend and his family, plus a coterie of adult friends and their kids who have been welcomed into our family (and us into theirs) over the years, and you get a sense of just how broad my notion of family has become.

Here are a few real-life examples of how that works:

Because of my ex-husband’s schedule, he was unable to attend our youngest’s recent parents’ weekend at college. So his wife joined me instead and the 3 of us had a great time exploring the campus and town together.

Then there’s our holiday plan. Since there is a finite amount of time all 3 kids can be together over the winter break, we’ve decided all of us, including the kids’ father and his wife – will go on an unbelievable cruise to Antarctica together! 

This one I just love: A couple of years ago, my youngest son Quincy and I were at an event and we were introduced to a gentleman. When he found out my son’s name was Quincy, he said, “How unusual! You’re the second ‘Quincy’ I’ve heard about this week.” It turned out that Quincy had sent his stepmom an email requesting donations to a charitable organization with which he was engaged. She had forwarded it to her father. “Grandpa” not only made a donation himself, but he forwarded the email to his vast list of contacts. The man at the event? He was one of those contacts and he, too, made a donation to Quincy’s cause!

So if you feel constrained by society’s once-meager definition of family – broaden it! For sure, kids need what “moms” and “dads” can do and give to them – but those roles needn’t be defined by gender or biology. So go ahead and welcome in trusted people who will model and bestow the love, safety and acceptance every child needs to become a loving and accepting adult.

There is so much in life we cannot control – but we can control who we let into our children’s lives and our homes. The best part about it is that we each get to choose who’s in our family, making sure our kids get the maximum amount of love, safety and acceptance available.

Now that’s a family I want to be a part of.

Thankful for Friendship

Gratitude is a big part of my life and my happiness.  I spend time actively thinking about what I am grateful for and find the practice lifts my mood and enhances my life. Thanksgiving provides an opportunity to write about gratitude; this year I am thankful for friendship.

I have collected friends my entire life.  I met my oldest friend in kindergarten and we have shared a 46-year friendship (and counting). I have an amazing group of friends from middle and high school who know the secrets of adolescent shenanigans; college friends who helped edit papers and now read my blog.  My friend from graduate school who I connected with on day one has remained my friend for 26 years. Friends met through my children; friends made while volunteering in my community; family members who are also friends; colleagues that became friends.

Friends are the family you choose.  And I have chosen well.  My friendships have sustained me through the hardest times in my life and added to my joy in the best times. My friends have stood by me; taken care of me; laughed with me and cried with me. Friends have challenged me to be my best self; helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel; hated my enemies.  My friends have loved my children; supported my ideas; answered my calls.  Friends have given me the benefit of the doubt; forgiven bad behavior; agreed to disagree.  My friends have championed my efforts; celebrated my successes; acknowledged my feelings. Friends have lent an ear, offered a shoulder, and provided a hug. My friends have enriched my life beyond measure.

And…my friends have made me a better mom.  Thank you for loving my children like your own.  Thank you for seeing their strengths and challenges; for celebrating their successes and supporting them when they have struggled.  Thank you for being adults they can count on; thanks for being advisors, mentors and role models.  It takes a village and I am profoundly grateful for mine.

Thank you friends.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Tips For Keeping Grandparenting The Great Gig That It Is!

The official commemoration of Grandparent’s Day is the Sunday after Labor Day, but most grandparents will tell you that every day is grandparent’s day if you’re lucky enough to be one!

I suspect you’ve heard (or said!) some variant of this: “I know I’m biased, but my granddaughter / grandson is one of the smartest / most creative / most coordinated / most [you-name-it!] child I have ever known.” 

It’s a great job if and when you get it – and everyone benefits from intergenerational relationships. Let me enumerate the benefits first…and then I’ll share a few tips for hanging on to this plum assignment!

Values of GrandParenting

The Job Description Can’t Be Beat.

Hands down, the #1 reason grandparenting is so great is that you get all the fun of being a parent without any of the responsibilities! Revel in your special role as cheerleaders, spoilers, supporters and bestowers of unconditional love.

You Get to Share Your History and Passions

Grandchildren, particularly as they grow up, look to grandparents for their perspectives and advice. So share your values, your family history and what life was like for you at their age.

Share your passions, too. My parents are great art lovers and collectors, and they’ve shared this with my kids both in terms of cultural outings and gifts of art. Of course my kids appreciate the inherent value of the works, but they truly treasure being a part of their grandparents’ legacy.

Even so, it’s not the “stuff” grandparents give; it’s the connection. My mom always sent my kids little things to let them know she was thinking of them. Pinecones she collected on a walk…a random purchase on the street…a funny postcard. My kids loved receiving it all.

The Gifts (of Health) Keep On Giving

Being a grandparent can help older adults stay active, which often translates to better health. There are mental health benefits as well.

One study demonstrates that women who spent one day a week caring for young grandchildren may have a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disorders. Another studied examined the link between quality grand-parenting relationships and depression and found that if the relationship is a high-quality one and support is mutual, both grandparents and grandchildren experience reduced incidence of depression.

You Can Help Out When / If You Want

Many grandparents have the economic freedom to defray education or medical costs for their grandchildren. If you have the means and want to help, it’s a great feeling. And typically there aren’t any negative tax consequences.  My children and I are grateful for the college tuition assistance and also recognize my Dad’s commitment to their education.

When it comes to your time, it’s up to you to set limits based on your energy and availability.

How to Keep the Gig!

Let Parents Rule.

Parents have a major role to play in the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren in that they set the rules and determine the consequences for the moral and ethical education of their kids.

One grandmother I know has the right approach. She says she always lets her daughter and son-in-law make the parenting rules – and she never shares her opinion on anything except to admire it. “I might not always agree with them, but my opinions are not on the table. The kids are their responsibilities to raise and our responsibility to love.”

Adopt the Right Tone.

Don’t be judgmental. Your grandkids will experiment with tons of things that may be foreign to you. Unless your grandkids are into something dangerous, keep your opinions to yourself. Respect and honor their choices about food, hairstyles, clothing, etc. Unsolicited advice or commentary is often heard as criticism and may be alienating.

p.s. Don’t be hurt by the occasional sassy comment. Kids can be insensitive, but it’s often age-appropriate and not intended to be rude or disrespectful.

Learn to Use Technology.

If grandparents want to have full access to their grandkids, they have to get proficient with the technology their grandchildren are using. My kids never listen to voicemails, so my Mom knows that if she wants to get in touch, she needs to text them. And while Facebook may be the preferred social media for baby boomers, their teen and tween grandkids are much more apt to use Instagram or Snapchat.

Stay Involved.

Don’t always wait for an invite. Offer to help by taking the kids out for an afternoon if you’re local or for a visit if you’re long-distance. Other ways to stay involved is to gift parents with a cleaning service or a spa afternoon. Remember how overwhelming it was for you as new parents and do something you might have appreciated.

But don’t keep score on who is contacting whom. If you want to stay engaged with your grandchildren, reach out to them.

Make Your Home Welcoming

A kid-friendly home makes visiting much less stressful for everyone. Make a quick sweep around the house to remove breakables and irreplaceables. If possible, borrow, rent or buy things like strollers, pack-n-plays, high chairs and even bikes so your kids don’t have to schlep them. And stock some fun toys and children’s books.

What if there aren’t any grandparents in the picture, either by death or lack of interest?   

Building a tribe is always the best solution – even when grandparents are in the picture. One friend of mine, who regularly volunteered at a senior center, unofficially 'adopted' grandparents for her kids.

If you’re the type that would like a more detailed primer on how to be the perfect grandmother or grandfather, check out the American Grandparents Association for resources, tips and other perks.

Either way, enjoy the best job in the world!