It’s estimated that adults make approximately 35,000 decisions each day -- about 220+ of them about what to eat alone!
Researchers have yet to determine just how many of those decisions are related to parenting, but I’d guess that a significant majority of them are. To navigate the thousands of discrete and unique parenting decisions with more confidence and (relative) ease, I believe the best approach is to ensure those decisions are clearly tethered to your values.
I frequently refer to this approach as values-based or “intentional” parenting. That’s just a fancy way of saying that as parents, we need to have clear and concrete ideas about the ideals and traits we care about and want to instill in our kids. Your values, then, are simply the principles that matter to you…what you live by and put into practice each and every day.
What exactly does it mean to have your decisions tethered to what matters to you as parents? This story illustrates it best.
Let say your mature and hard-working high school grad has asked permission to attend an overnight, unsupervised party at a lake house. All things being equal, you’d like to be able to say Yes! Go! Have fun! You’ve earned it!
As much as you want to reward your teen’s efforts, you care much more about their safety and well-being. An unsupervised, two-day, house party near water with nothing but 18-year-olds? Not a chance! In this scenario, it’s clear that “safety” is the overriding value or principle on which the party-going decision must rest. Safety is the tether. So even though your child deserves a Yes, the answer has to be No. After all, there are other ways to reward your teen for their hard work and achievements.
This teen (mine, to be exact!), didn't particularly like the decision his father and I made, but he completely understood why we made it. Since my kids were young, we were always extremely explicit and overt about what we cared about (family time; safety; building resilience and autonomy; philanthropy) -- and we always explained how our values drove our decision-making.
We’d often have conversations like these:
· “I know you hate to miss your friend’s party, but your grandma is sick and needs our help, and it’s important that we support our family.”
· “These are the facts about drugs and alcohol that you must understand.”
· “We don’t think X is a good idea because it’s not a safe activity at your age.”
· “We’re signing you up for a team sport because it will teach you how to contribute to group goals and learn how to deal with winning and losing.”
The benefit to values-based decision-making is that by its very nature, you’re coming from a place of surety; your actions and decisions are moored and guided by what you care about. Another benefit is that it can guard against reactivity, which often results in making decisions based on how we were parented.
There’s no guarantee you’ll never be reactive, of course. Parents are human and when we are vulnerable, stress or tired, we’re more prone to act without thinking. While there are a number of causes for reactive parenting, I have a suggestion that can reduce reactivity’s sway.
Remember, you are allowed to respond to your child’s requests with, “I’ll think about that and get back to you.” While our kids’ typically have a burning sense of urgency when it comes to knowing if they can or can’t do something, parents don’t have to comply. It’s perfectly fine to say, “If you need a decision right now, the answer is No. But if you give me a little time, the answer might be Yes or a qualified Yes.” You might be amazed at how patient your kids will become.
Being clear about your key values means they’re always in your head…and decisions are always measured by “How does what I care about impact this decision?” But by no means do parents have to care about everything!
I recall one mom who was at her wit’s end constantly policing her young kids’ squabbles. After we talked about it, she realized that unless one of them was hurting the other physically or verbally, she actually didn’t care about the cause of their disagreement and preferred they work it out by themselves! Preventing sibling spats wasn’t what mattered to her; teaching them how to resolve conflicts was! So now when one of her kiddos comes running in complaining about the other, she reminds them that it’s up to them to figure out how to get along. If they can’t, she sends them to their respective rooms to figure out how to get what they want. Most of the time, that’s just what they do.
While most parents’ fundamental values around parenting and being a responsible adult don’t change dramatically, what we care about can evolve. Given the societal and environmental changes of the last decade, parents as a group are no doubt more conscientious about issues such as diversity and inclusion, as well as how to be more eco-responsible. In fact, researchers are just starting to look at how children can influence parents’ values.
And that’s something that matters!