An imbalance in the “mental” aspect of parenting is where I see the most discrepancy – and sometimes it’s what lies underneath a couple’s presenting issue when they first start working with me. Because even if both parents share equally in the execution of the tasks – or if they have the funds to outsource the cleaning, cooking, carpooling and childcare– one partner still does much of the heavy lifting that remains.
The idea of taking a “gap year” – born of the independence of the post-war 60s generation that challenged themselves to create a life different from their parents – has come a long way in 70 years. Since the new millennia, it’s been taken up by parents and young people alike who have lived through the accelerating pace of the new world order – and see little chance for such an extended pause once they start college and forge fledgling careers.
The text arrives, our blood pressure elevates, our tweens and teens want an immediate response, and all of a sudden we are down the rabbit hole. There is a better way. This three step response ensures our kids feel heard, but creates space for thoughtful engagement at the appropriate time.
An imbalance in the “mental” aspect of parenting is where I see the most discrepancy – and sometimes it’s what lies underneath a couple’s presenting issue when they first start working with me. Because even if both parents share equally in the execution of the tasks – or if they have the funds to outsource the cleaning, cooking, carpooling and childcare– one partner still does much of the heavy lifting that remains.
At this time of year, I suspect your to-do list is more overflowing than ever. I get it. Mine is too. Actually, it was.
In a recent Instagram post, I shared my decision that this holiday season I would focus on the people and activities that have meaning and moment and are aligned with my values. Not surprisingly, these types of things seldom have anything to do with list-making or gift-buying.
In that spirit, I’m inviting you to prioritize what matters most to many parents: family. It’s a 3-step inventory for people who parent together – in every family configuration. The inventory is designed to help take stock of your personal parenting experience, assess wins and challenges in 2023, and determine the areas in which you want to put your energies and efforts during the coming year.
When kids are little, parents get to witness up close their tremendous capacity for learning and growth and delight. Our joy often arises spontaneously, and we feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of parenting those amazing little beings.
As children grow and face normal developmental challenges, parenting can feel rocky as we watch our kids react with frustration or anxiety at milestones not yet mastered. But as long as we stay tethered to our values and use them to guide our decision-making, we can find reasons to be grateful during these times, too, particularly when we see evidence of our kids meeting their difficulties with resolve and determination.
No question, it’s easy to feel grateful when life is good and parenting feels manageable.
But what about those times when, as parents, we’re challenged to navigate an extremely difficult time in a child’s life? It’s one thing to feel grateful when a rocky time is in the rearview mirror. But how can we possibly feel gratitude when we’re in the middle of the maelstrom?
Big emotions, as you know, are natural for kids of all ages (and for adults, too!). That’s why before we attend to our child facing emotional dysregulation—it’s super critical for parents to regulate their own affect first.
Here’s some advice in the spirit of putting on your oxygen mask before helping others. As long as everyone is safe, there’s absolutely no harm in walking away from a screaming child to calm yourself down before engaging. When we feel emotionally triggered by a kid temporarily carried away by big emotions, it can make us feel out of control or impotent to the handle the situation. And chances are high that if both parent and child are dysregulated, they will spiral down together, making the upset harder to regulate and repair.
The current academic year is pivotal for families, largely because it’s the first ostensibly “normal” scholastic experience since March 2020. Given the return to routine, parents might be inclined to simply breathe a huge sigh of relief convinced they and their kids are finally free from the myriad pandemic-induced educational stressors of the last two years.
However, given the recent reports on the “impacts of the coronavirus pandemic on learning,” now is the time for parents to pay even keener attention to their kids’ school experience. To ensure their return to academic life is as smooth as possible, consider this comprehensive 4-step process.
It’s estimated that adults make approximately 35,000 decisions each day -- about 220+ of them about what to eat alone!
Researchers have yet to determine just how many of those decisions are related to parenting, but I’d guess that a significant majority of them are. To navigate the thousands of discrete and unique parenting decisions with more confidence and (relative) ease, I believe the best approach is to ensure those decisions are clearly tethered to your values.
I frequently refer to this approach as values-based or “intentional” parenting. That’s just a fancy way of saying that as parents, we need to have clear and concrete ideas about the ideals and traits we care about and want to instill in our kids. Your values, then, are simply the principles that matter to you…what you live by and put into practice each and every day.
It’s a supreme understatement to say the last two academic years have been extremely challenging for kids and parents alike. And experience has shown no one can predict what might unfold in the 2022/2023 school year. So as parents, the absolute best we can do is deal with the things that are within our control, one of my key tenets of intentional parenting.
In part, that means helping our kids prepare for school several weeks before the year starts, a topic I explored several years ago in a post entitled “Back-to- School Checklist.”
This year, however, I want to offer a yearlong back-to-school strategy!
The idea is to set an intention for the upcoming academic year: one new behavior or mindful action you can return to again and again as the year unfolds…no matter what comes your way.
