How to Prepare Your Kids for the Road, Rather than Preparing the Road for Them

Here’s something I absolutely know is true:  There is hardly a parent alive, myself included, who wouldn’t willingly take on the sadness, disappointment and suffering of their children, whether it comes from a playmate’s snub, a rejection from a hoped-for university or the death of a family pet.

Here’s another truism:  Not rushing in to smooth our children’s paths is one of the most difficult and loving acts a parent can do.

No matter the impulse behind it, doing everything we can to shelter our children from life’s travails is detrimental for several reasons:

1)    It’s exhausting for parents, especially when there are multiple kids.

2)    It causes unnecessary stress between and for parents.

3)    Most compellingly, shielding our children from adversity or over-indulging their wants and needs profoundly interferes with their cognitive and emotional development, denying them the full set of skills and competencies necessary for adulthood.

If our primary goal as parents is to raise adults capable of managing their lives and contributing to society, it’s up to us to ensure they develop age-appropriate core competencies and self-confidence in their ability to do so -- even if that means standing back and watching them fail over and over again!

Picture a toddler learning how to dress herself -- an enormously frustrating task for someone with subpar motor skills. They need lots of practice, day after day. In the process, they fail -- a lot! But if you give them opportunities to ‘do for themselves’ they get to experience mastery and pride in their accomplishment.

My eldest struggled mightily to learn how to tie his shoes. As a mom, it was excruciating to witness his exasperating attempts. At times I desperately wanted to step in, but I didn't want to deny him the opportunity to sit with the problem, figure it out and then have the joy of his success. Over those weeks, my son didn’t just master shoe tying; he built up both his frustration-tolerance and his belief that if he worked hard, he could do anything!

Learning the discrete and seemingly mundane tasks of early life are the fundamental steppingstones of childhood. Eventually, they enable your tween to tell the school psychologist they’re being bullied, for example, and they can give high schoolers the confidence to negotiate a fare wage for a summer job. For kids of all ages, the tremendous value of learning isn’t just acquiring new skills; it’s the self-efficacy and resilience that results from the process of moving through failure to mastery.

One of the best ways parents can support their kids along the path is to

model how to deal with the myriad problems, snags and plans undone by circumstance that litter every parent’s waking life! When the airline cancels a flight…when there’s a traffic jam and you’re late for an appointment…when the pipes burst. Do we scream and rail, throwing up our hands in defeat? Or do we problem-solve, investigating all the possible fixes and options available? Naturally, parents feel and express frustration, too, and handling our emotions appropriately is part of the lesson. Then, we model how to pivot to the solution.

Please know I’m not suggesting parents shouldn’t ever intervene. If your child’s frustration level is too high or they are really struggling, it’s a parent’s job to step in and offer support. It’s also up to us to decipher when our kids’ frustration is actually a real need for connection. Above all, we must be vigilant about differentiating between personal needs around being an uber-parent and the long-range desire for our kids’ maturation. That’s when parents need to acknowledge that it is hard to see your kid in pain and then get the support you need.

Standing by and watching our children fail can feel like the heaviest lift of parenthood. From the minute your child is first in your arms (and often before), parents fantasize about what we want the future to look like. The first thing that upsets our idealized picture for them can feel devastating. And watching them fail? That felt really hard to do.

When I’m working with parents who’d do anything to save their kids from failing and feeling bad, I like to share the viewpoint of one of my all-time favorite authors and researchers, Julie Lythcott-Haims. She says, “I call failure one of life’s beautiful f-words -- along with “flail,” fumble,” flounder” and “fall.” You have to encounter these things over the course of your life to learn how to bounce back. The more you experience them, the more resilient you’ll be when bigger challenges arise.”

That’s superb advice for parents too. You’ll find more gems like that in her groundbreaking book, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success. You’ll find it on the resource page of my website below the FAQs.

p.s. If you have 20 minutes now, watch Julie’s Ted Talk for a glimpse into her take on raising successful kids.

Why I Got My Parent Coaching Certification

I absolutely love being a parent coach! My work has given me both deep professional satisfaction and tremendous gratitude for the opportunity to support moms and dads as they manage the unique challenges and celebrate the many joys of modern-day parenting.

That’s why in the fall of 2020 after 5 years of successful practice as a parent coach, I began investigating parent-coaching certification programs that were aligned with my own approach of intentional, values-based parenting. Not only was it important to add to the gravitas of the work itself, I wanted to distinguish myself as a professional in the field. Plus, because I value continuing education, I wanted to deepen my existing theoretical knowledge and learn research-based practical skills so I could be even more effective.

Ultimately, I chose the Parent Coaching Institute© (PCI), an internationally respected organization that offers a rigorous, graduate-level program. The PCI curriculum merges a rich theory-based educational framework with both peer- and instructor-reviewed, hands-on coaching of volunteer clients.

Now that I’m officially credentialed, I’ve had a chance to reflect on and identify the five main benefits of my PCI experience.

Benefit #1     I guide parents to find their own solutions.

While parents start their first session wanting to talk about the problem, I no longer start a coaching relationship by focusing on the struggle. Instead, we begin by identifying all the strengths of the family system and the tools in their toolkit. These include the positive traits of both parents and children; clearly defined parenting values; availability of family and extended family support, helpful friends within the social system; and allied professional services they use. Once that is articulated, I work with parents to co-constructsolutions best aligned with their strengths, parenting styles, values and desires.

Using this approach,  parents -- equipped with what I call their “strength stats” -- are empowered to think of strategies they can apply to other parenting situations as they arise. This also increases parents’ sense of confidence in their abilities, which is one of my primary aims.

 Benefit #2     I document more.

I’ve instituted a best-practice technique of sending clients a follow-up email after each session that recaps what we discussed during our session, as well as additional ideas for them to consider.

Practically speaking, it provides a reference point for both my clients and me. Parents tell me they often reread these summaries to keep “my voice in their head,” as well as to remind them of what they need to do between sessions. It provides me with a record I can review before their next session -- or when they come back with a new issue at a later date.

Benefit #3     I’m revitalized.

Being a parent coach is vital, fulfilling and necessary work, and I’ve always felt a profound sense of appreciation for my clients’ trust in me. Frankly, I didn’t think getting credentialed could enhance the satisfaction I felt!

But as a result of completing the PCI program, I am a better parent coach, more confident and grounded in my approach. And I’m immensely grateful knowing that I’m doing everything possible to help parents navigate the key change points in their families’ lives.

Benefit #4     I now offer Group Coaching.

Put together your own group of like-minded parents with similarly aged children and we’ll work together to address common parenting challenges. Group coaching offers the same “strength-first” approach as individual coaching, but can be a much more affordable option. Plus, participants have a built-in support group to turn to between sessions.

Benefit #5     Check out my new website!

The website I recently built is much more robust than the original one I created almost 6 years ago. It more accurately reflects my coaching voice and articulates the many ways I can collaborate with parents and others.

Just as important, I wanted my website to be a place where parents could go for information (see the FAQ page) and resources they can peruse on their own. It’s also where I continue to host my blog and share media appearances and other relevant changes to my practice.

So there you have it! PCI’s program was definitely demanding, but I value my experience and the outcomes tremendously. If you’d like to take advantage of a free 30-minute consultation to learn more about how we might work together, please email me. Until then, enjoy your parenting journey!

The Power of Play

Everyone knows what “play” is -- right? It’s peek-a-boo with baby…hide-and-seek with toddlers…tag among school-agers…a teenage pick-up game of basketball…or your family’s favorite board game on game night.

All true. Yet from a developmental standpoint, what may seem like fun of little consequence actually plays a crucial role in many aspects of child development, including social-emotional, motor, cognitive, language, self-regulation, enhanced sense of agency and executive function. Best yet, the developmental benefits of play compound as children age.

Don’t just take it from me. These claims are backed by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which published a free report on the role of play in child development that covers everything from the evolutionary importance of play and its various categories to the developmental benefits for kids and the oft-overlooked positive impact of play on parents and caregivers.

A definition of play that rings most true for me is the one attributed to Maria Montessori: “Play is the ‘work’ of the child.” Through play, kids of all ages develop their brains and bodies, discover the world and find out more about who they are.

Naturally, play looks different at different stages of development.

For little ones, play is how they first learn to interact with the world. The best kind of play for this age group is unstructured, child-directed and rule-less. That means parents can be encouraging and engaged, but hands-off when it comes to trying to “teach” kids too much. Let your child play with the shape-sorter, just don’t get overly involved in having them ‘do it right’.

With toddlers, you’ve no doubt noticed that a fair bit of their play is parallel play. It’s not uncommon to see toddlers playing side-by-side with others with similar toys, but without a lot of interaction. Such play may looksolitary, but your child is intently observing, listening to and learning from the kids around them, which is a critical precursor to collaborative play.

No matter the setting, all play for little ones is learning time. Even throwing things (if I move my arm and let the toy go it flies across the room) is an education of sorts. So as long as your kid is safe during playtime, don’t impose rules or restraints on them; that’s key.

What happens next is imitation. Pre-schoolers do what they see. They play doctor, mommy, grocery store…mimicking the real-life activities they witness during their days. The importance of this type of practice-and-rehearsal play is that it gives youngsters ample opportunity for social interaction with playmates, siblings, and/or parents.

For late pre-schoolers and early primary school, play becomes a critical component in language development, the ability to focus and to be empathic toward others. Play is a supremely creative pursuit at this age, with kids creating games with imaginary characters and fantastical landscapes, complete with their own set of rules. Parents are wise to support their kids’ creativity by providing parameters or props or simple ideas to prompt their imagination. For example, suggest they pretend the living room is full of hot lava, then stand back and watch what happens.

Again, resist the urge to pitch in with too many suggestions. Best not to squash your kids’ creativity -- even if it doesn’t mesh with your sensibilities. I know a mom whose 6-year-old who, after completing her chore of clearing the dinner table, turned it into a fort. To be honest, if it had been me, I likely would have been frustrated and asked my child to clean it up. However, this thoughtful mom exclaimed, “Honey - that’s so cool! Let’s leave it like that until tomorrow and then we can play in it when you come home from school!” That brilliant response, allowed her daughter to truly be seen and recognized in that moment AND didn't derail bedtime preparations. The next afternoon spent under the table in the child's invented world demonstrates the power of play.

If you happen to be one of those families like mine where play is part of the fabric of family life, you’ll discover that over play, conversation with even recalcitrant teens is easier because of the more relaxed environment. Play is fun and lighthearted, and in that environment it won’t feel like an inquisition when you ask how school went. Play takes the pressure off teens, too. As adults, parents can forget just how onerous the pressures of adolescence can be; so, relish the chance for your teen to feel like a kid again.

Family play is a relief from the rigors of life for everyone -- parents included. It’s so easy for us to get on our proverbial treadmills and go about the business of crossing things off that ever-growing to-do list. You may even discover, as many businesses have, that if you want to be more effective and productive, parents would be wise to tap into the surprising power of play themselves.

It’s impossible to overstress how “powerful” play is as child development tool. Playing around is not something kids just do. Far from it. When they’re little, it’s their entire interaction with the world. As they age, it grounds their motor development and teaches them social constructs. Further on, play helps them foster imagination, build relationships and offers a break and release from the cares of the world…something parents and kids alike benefit from.

From my point of view, play is as essential as nutrition, sleep and sunlight. In other words, it’s essential to life. So get to it!