Virtually every parent in my practice (and my personal life) asks this same question: “How concerned should I be about my kids’ use of screens and social media?”
Fairly concerned, I typically say. Here are some worrying trends:
· The percentage of kids as young as 8 receiving smart phones has steadily increased.
· Up to 95% of youth ages 13-17 report using a social media platform, with more than one-third saying they use social media “almost constantly.”
· Parents often allow insistent youngsters to have an iPad or smart phone in the car, in restaurants and/or during mealtime at home.
· Kids “8 to 17 spend an average of 1.5-2 hours daily playing video games”
· Kids often don’t understand that the content and photos they post on social is oversharing, defined as “the excessive sharing of personal information.”
Parental concerns are shared by the Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Vivek Murthy, who last year made his perspective public. In the advisory entitled, “Social Media and Youth Mental Health,” Dr. Murthy notes:
“There is growing evidence that social media use is associated with harm to young people’s mental health….And for too many children, social media use is compromising their sleep and valuable in-person time with family and friends.
“We are in the middle of a national youth mental health crisis and I am concerned that social media is an important driver of that crisis – one we must urgently address.”
As parents we are sometimes part of the problem. We are attached to our devices and it’s not uncommon to see children struggling to get their parents’ attention. In addition, we rely on devices to distract our children or occupy them when we need time to make dinner, or during a long day of travel.
Parents can also set a poor example online when they share (and overshare) about their kids’ lives on their own social media platforms as well as on their kids’. Then there’s the huge sphere of parent-influencers – who generally profit from sharing about their children online.
Given the voluminous amount of info and misinformation online -- most moms and dads are baffled about appropriate limits to set for their kids. And naturally, they don’t look forward to the intense pushback from kids when limits are set.
So what’s a parent to do?
· Wait as long as possible to give a child a phone. “All my friends have smart phones” isn’t a justifiable reason for your child to have one. As always, let your values guide this significant parenting decision.
· Recognize that kids are much savvier technologically today than most parents. And the tech they’re using is exponentially more powerful than it was even just 5 years ago.
· For example, one client’s 11-year-old managed to override his school’s internet safeguards by creating his own Virtual Private Network (VPN) so he could play video games at school on his school-provided tablet.
· Follow the mentoring-not-monitoring approach. Intentional parents “model” for kids how to be screen-wise. Some families create a “media plan” with agreed-upon rules for tech and social media. Others follow the advice of Tiffany Shlain and others who advocate for one tech-free day per week to foster family togetherness and creativity. Produce a plan that works for your kids and your family – then revise as necessary.
· Leverage parental controls. Parents can (and should) set time limits for specific social media platforms. You can also protect your children from seeing inappropriate or damaging content online. If you don’t know how to set parental controls, you can find apps online that help you make the internet as safe as possible for your kids.
· Be your teen’s frontal lobe. Kids are generally impulsive, want to be admired by their peers, do and say things to fit in, overshare to create intimacy, and can be clueless about the permanence of what they share online. Regularly discuss the benefits and risks of social media use. Define for them what it means to overshare. Best yet, offer examples of “cancel culture,” and how inappropriate sharing on social media has actually damaged people’s reputation, as well as personal and commercial brands.
· Do not share about your kids online without their consent, especially about something they told you in confidence or that you even suspect they would not want others to know about.
· Be vigilant about bullying and abuse online. Mental health issues related to social media use are widely documented. According to the Journal of Medical Internet Research, oversharing on social is a risk factor for cyberbullying. That makes it supremely vital to have regular and open conversations with your kids of all ages about bullying and abuse online and what to do if it’s happening to them or someone they know.
· Be alert for overuse. As a parent, your job is to get out in front of the serious impacts of excessive technology use. Intervene as soon as you recognize that your child may be spending copious amounts of time online versus being with family and friends.
Regularly talk with your kids about the drawback -- and benefits -- of social media. Keep in mind there is new evidence that teens and young adults are capable of taking a balanced approach to social media. A recent national survey by HOPELAB was co-created with teens and young adults.
Called “A Double-Edge Sword: How Diverse Communities of Young People Think About the Multifaceted Relationship Between Social Media and Mental Health,” indicates that kids are quite aware of both the advantages and pitfalls of technology. This enlightening report offers parents an invitation to ask your kids for their point-of-view on the benefits / detriments of social media in their lives.
For example:
· Approximately 50% of those surveyed “consider [social media] platforms important for inspiration, creative expression, and social and mental health support.”
· Many marginalized youth, including BIPOC and LGBTQ+, reported that their social media use was an asset to their well-being, while acknowledging that it can open them up to harassment.
· Young adults in surprising numbers (and a smaller percentage of teens) limit their own social media use; take breaks from social media platforms; and/or curate their feeds so they only spend time on the content they specify.
· Youth with symptoms of depression find connecting with similar people on social media can be a source of comfort and support.
As with all things parenting, explicitly sharing your values with your children on a regular basis is the best method for helping them to understand your technology-related decisions. Raising digital natives in a digital world certainly has its challenges, but by taking an intentional approach, you can help keep your kids safe.