A first pregnancy is both a magical and stressful time for many parents full of anticipation about what lies ahead for themselves and the family they are trying to create. For many expectant parents, being present for and enjoying each phase of pregnancy the first time around can be a remarkable experience. But what about pregnancy number two?
First, let’s talk self-care.
What I tell clients and friends who announce they’re pregnant again is always keep in mind that during their first pregnancy, they didn’t have another child (or two) in tow. With little ones to care for, there many more demands on pregnant moms – which makes rest a top priority.
Self-care practices vary from person to person but I recommend 4 essential components: Get organized; let go of perfectionism; ask for help; and tend to your emotional needs.
Get Organized. Create a “buy/get” list – but keep it short! I am a huge proponent of planning for all facets of family life – preparing for baby included, but it can feel overwhelming. Baby-focused retail outlets are only too happy to supply prospective parents with a laundry list of layette and other “essential” items for newborns. Yet in most parents’ experience, you can cut that by ¾, and still have everything you need. Someone once told me, ‘Don’t fuss over the stuff’. Get what you need to feel prepared and take advantage of mom groups online to access free items they no longer need.
Let perfectionism go. The nesting instinct – an inborn desire to prepare for baby’s arrival – can naturally fuel your organization fervor. Trust it. Experienced parents know that enough will get done in time if your to-do list is reasonable. The less obsessed you can be about making sure it’s done perfectly, the better prepared you will actually be.
Ask for help! Getting support is key to getting organized and ready for baby with the least amount of stress. Ask yourself, “What can I have in place that will help me or my kids?” They are multiple suggestions you can give to people who want to lend a hand, such as:
· Stocking your freezer with ready-to-heat-and-eat meals
· Creating age-appropriate activity boxes for kids when mom (or a visitor) needs a handy playtime solution for firstborns
· Parents and in-laws might be happy to pay for a housecleaner or mommy’s helper
· Ensure you have a 24-7-phone-always-on friend or family member who will watch your child or children at home when it’s time to go to the hospital
Don’t ignore powerful feelings (or fears). Just because you’ve been pregnant before doesn’t mean stresses and anxieties won’t surface. For example, many women report a profound fear that they won’t be able to love baby #2 as much as they do their firstborn. This is a totally natural phenomenon. Air your feelings of concern to trusted people. You’ll likely be comforted by what other moms have to say about this and other emotional concerns.
Now…what about the kid (or kids) you already have?
Adding a new member to your family can stir up big feelings– for parents and kids alike. Here are several ideas for helping your kids feel especially valued as they go through the process of adjusting to the idea of a new baby both during pregnancy and in those first crucial months at home.
Don’t tell kids about new baby until you’re ready! I always advise parents to make entirely sure they are settled and comfortable with a new pregnancy before sharing the news -- especially if the pregnancy was unplanned and you’re feeling some natural ambivalence. Then there’s this important developmental fact: most kids don’t develop a true understanding of the concept of time until age six or so, so telling a toddler he’ll have a brother or sister “in nine months” will be a challenge for them. Consider letting their natural curiosity about mom’s growing belly provide the right opportunity to tell them what’s coming.
Be intentional about spending quality time with your firstborn before baby arrives. I can’t stress this enough. Within very short order, that cocoon of being priority #1 for mom and dad will be disrupted, so mindfully plan outings and trips with your firstborn while your attention is undivided. Focus on activities your little one loves, whether that’s a baseball game, a tea party, a trip to a waterpark, or just snuggles.
Make sure changes to their lives are developmentally appropriate. While I completely understand the urge to create optimum conditions post-partum, rushing your child’s development always backfires. For example, it may feel more convenient to potty train your firstborn before the newborn arrives, but it’s a time-consuming process with lots of ups and downs – for parents and toddlers. If your child is not developmentally ready for it, forcing the process may result in a regression to diapers anyway.
The same goes for rushing a child into a new room with a “big-kid bed” to free up space and a crib for baby. You don’t want your child to feel they are being “replaced” by the newborn. If it’s developmentally the right time, a youngster will express excitement about the change to new digs. Be sure to incorporate them into decision-making about colors, furniture, or themes. Just keep it simple for them by giving them choices between defined options: Red or green? Animals or rainbows? Trundle or bunk beds? Also, be sure that the new space incorporates some of their familiar stuff to ease the transition.
Educate your child about what they can expect. In addition to talking to your children about their soon-to-be sibling, there are excellent children’s books that will help them understand what’s to come. In this way, your kids get the information, you have the quality time with them and reap the power and benefits of reading to children. Here are a few books I highly recommend:
· Mama’s Belly by Kate Hosford
· Nine Months by Miranda Paul
· Where do Babies Come From by Jillian Roberts
· Babies Don’t Eat Pizza by Dianne Danzig
· I Love You the Purplest by Barbara Joose
· My New Baby by Rachel Fuller
· A New Baby is Coming: A Guide for a Big Brother or Sister by Emily Menendez Aponte
· Lola Reads to Leo by Anna McQuinn
When your child comes to the hospital for the first time after the birth, have your arms baby-free – and opened wide. Most likely, your little one just spent their first night or two without mom at home. When they come into your hospital room to meet the baby, make sure the newborn is in a basinette (or the nursery) to ensure the initial reunion is between child and mom. When they’re ready to meet the baby, only then present the infant. You might even have a gift for them (from baby, of course), to make them feel extra special at this very vulnerable time.
Expect some regression; it’s perfectly normal. Children will have a range of responses to their new sibling – and you can expect it to morph and change over time. After all, the baby is going to upend everything in their little lives. Resentment, regression, even ill will toward the newborn are all normal responses to a new baby in the family.
Instead of yielding to regression (“I want my paci!”), redirect a toddler with an activity “just for them.” Don’t try to force your child to “love” his baby sister or brother either. Let them come to terms with the new family dynamic in their own time. While some will relish their new role as a “big,” others would rather the new baby went elsewhere. As my eldest asked when my second-born was six months old, “Why is she still here?!”
Toddler in distress? The baby can wait. Let’s say your toddler has an emotional meltdown or acts out while you’re tending to baby’s needs. In most cases, your toddler should be your priority when they are in distress. Fortunately, babies are portable and resilient early on. If they are safe, their needs can wait a minute as you reassure your young child that you are there for them.
New babies are gifts to parents to be sure – but siblings don’t always feel that way from the start. A new baby is a conundrum for little kids, who want to be “big” and still be #1 in mommy’s and daddy’s eyes. Be empathic and give them time to adjust. Before long, every heart will grow to encompass your newly expanded family.