An imbalance in the “mental” aspect of parenting is where I see the most discrepancy – and sometimes it’s what lies underneath a couple’s presenting issue when they first start working with me. Because even if both parents share equally in the execution of the tasks – or if they have the funds to outsource the cleaning, cooking, carpooling and childcare– one partner still does much of the heavy lifting that remains.
The idea of taking a “gap year” – born of the independence of the post-war 60s generation that challenged themselves to create a life different from their parents – has come a long way in 70 years. Since the new millennia, it’s been taken up by parents and young people alike who have lived through the accelerating pace of the new world order – and see little chance for such an extended pause once they start college and forge fledgling careers.
The text arrives, our blood pressure elevates, our tweens and teens want an immediate response, and all of a sudden we are down the rabbit hole. There is a better way. This three step response ensures our kids feel heard, but creates space for thoughtful engagement at the appropriate time.
Every parent comes to know there is no blueprint for raising children, no rulebook with proven answers. It’s a learn-by-doing job of promoting and supporting the development (emotional, physical, intellectual and social) of unique human beings. And because they are a) constantly changing and b) so different from one another, parenting defies the predictability of, say, the laws of gravity. It’s got much more in common with whack-a-mole. Just when you think you’ve got things under control, up pop a couple of situations you hadn’t encountered before.
Toss the phrase “national conversation” into the ether these days and it’s abundantly clear you’re referring to the explosion of sexual harassment and sexual assault claims in entertainment, media, politics, and beyond. While the daily reveal of perpetrators has abated somewhat, what hasn’t stopped is the energy driving the conversation, as well as the analyses and proposed remedies by lots of folks.
As a parenting coach and champion of children, however, my interest is singular: How do we turn this national conversation into teachable moments for our kids?
There are several vital issues to establish upfront. First is the understanding that any time there is a power differential between people, the potential for harassment and abuse exists. With children, however, this imbalance is profoundly predatory. Kids simply aren’t skilled discerners about inappropriate adult behavior and they tend to trust the words – and follow the instructions of – adults.
Second, it’s essential to not assume the binary that it’s always a male predator and female victim. Sexual harassment and abuse is applicable to both boys and girls, no matter where they fall on gender and sexuality spectrums.
Third, the current conversation isn’t about “stranger danger.” Perpetrators of sexual abuse against kids are generally known to their victims; a personal relationship with an abuser may, in fact, make abuse more probable.
While not every adult in authority is creep-worthy, the list of possible predators is, sadly, broad. It include parents, stepparents, older relatives, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, babysitters, adults in religious, community and other family-centered organizations, camp counselors, workers in the home, friends’ parents, older students and members of law enforcement.
No parents can bear to imagine their child might one day be a victim. If you ever find yourself face-to-face with this horror, your foremost job will be to create a supremely safe environment for your child to talk about it without shame or fear. You will need to take time to process your rage and fear, as well as reach out to therapeutic, legal and law enforcement resources. But first, your child will need you in these very particular ways:
· Stay calm and present.
· Be an active listener.
· Ensure he or she feels heard – and believed.
· Have as many conversations about it as your child wants and initiate them when you sense there may be more they need to share.
· Assure them with absolute certainty that you take their experiences seriously and that you are there for them 100% – even if you don’t have all the answers in the moment.
· Express admiration for the courage to share their story.
· Above all, let them know you’re going to keep them safe and that you will get them the help they need.
Since it’s almost impossible for most kids not to have heard something about this story, I’d encourage parents to have teachable-moment conversations with your kids (of most ages) that can both shore up previous discussions you’ve likely already had about staying safe, as well as give them an opportunity to share their feelings and ask questions. Here are a few pointers:
Young primary school-agers are likely not aware of the current societal reckoning, but it’s wise to gently and regularly talk to them about the basic rules of safety.
With tweens, I’d address several topics. First, they need to understand unequivocally that their body is private. No one has the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable – even if the touching is innocuous or acceptable by other people’s standards. Encourage them to trust their intuition; if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Another fact your tween needs to understand is that responsible adults – whether strangers or adults known to them – always respect the boundary between themselves and children. Reiterate that responsible adults never look to children for help, or ask them to keep secrets from their parents, or threaten them or their families. Given the viral spread of the news and the #metoo conversation on social media, most teenagers are aware of what’s been going on, have likely talked about it with peers and it may even have been a topic in the classroom. At home, it can be a springboard for conversations that confirm sexual flirtation from adults is never okay, about not blaming the victim and reminding them that if they see something, say something.
Have some sort of safe code with your kids that clearly communicates that they’re in trouble and need an out. For example, if my kids were in a situation they were uncomfortable with and wanted my help or a ride home, they knew they could text me “911” and I’d pick them up immediately.
Most importantly, let your children know that it’s never too late for them to talk to you about something that may have happened in the past. Don’t for a second think it’s an invasion of their privacy if you probe when it’s obvious by your kids’ behavior that something is wrong. Without doubt, if your child has been victimized, it is manifesting in some way.
Our job as parents is to keep our kids safe. We do that most effectively by paying attention to them and their lives and not letting our concerns go unaddressed. We tell our kids all the time to trust their guts when something doesn’t feel right. As parents, let’s do the same.
The best way to stay parenting-steady no matter who’s offering “help” is to establish your own values to parent by. To do this, you and your partner will need to have a conversation – most likely a series of them -- on the values that will govern how you raise your kids.
Here’s an analogy: If you were married within any kind of religious tradition, you likely had to meet with a spiritual advisor to be sure you and your partner were aligned on the core values that impact marriage. You likely covered topics like religion, sex, money, kids, personal ambitions and goals. After all, who wants to find out after you’re married that you and your spouse have radically opposing expectations you can’t possibly reconcile?
Aligning around parenting values takes a similar approach. By reflecting on and discussing your core parenting values in key areas, you’ll have a baseline for a crucial discussion and, eventually, a blueprint by which you can raise your family.
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
William W. Purkey
I totally agree with Mr. Purkey’s sage counsel. Yet from a parenting perspective, I think his ditty is missing an important line:
“Make parenting decisions like no one’s opinion matters.”
Mixing booze and high school graduation parties may not be a dilemma for all parents, but it sure has become one for me this year.
Actually, let me clarify “dilemma.”
I’m super clear about how I feel about alcohol. I’m not in favor. It’s one of my core values (parenting and otherwise). I don’t judge lawful adults who do imbibe; it’s just not for me.
I’m similarly confident when I assert that drinking is not appropriate or beneficial for young people. In fact, it can be quite dangerous physically and psychologically to them and those around them.
I heartily agree with every one of the “27 Reasons NOT to Serve (or turn a blind eye to) Alcohol at High School Graduation Parties” outlined by Seddon R. Savage, MS, MD and Director of the Dartmouth Center on Addiction and Recovery (and parent of 3).
Then there’s this: Drinking is against the law for those under the age 21, (although there are exceptions).
Trust me, the blinders are off. As an educational therapist and mom parenting in the 21st century, I understand that many high schoolers experiment with drinking – and most college students make a habit of it. But it’s still not something I support or condone.
My own three kids (18, 20 and 23) seem to have a normative relationship with alcohol, drinking in ways I deem responsible. It’s still not ideal from my perspective, but I respect and trust their judgment about alcohol because they’ve given me every reason to do so.
So what, you may ask, is my dilemma?
With apologies in advance to my high school graduate, it is this:
He has been invited to a two-day, un-chaperoned and unsupervised beach house party seven (7) hours drive from home at which there could be up to 30 students – and plenty of booze.
I said No.
My son wasn’t happy. “Everyone is going,” he said. “I’m the only one who isn’t allowed to go!”
Naturally, he noted all the reasons I should let him attend.
1. He has never gotten overly intoxicated.
2. He has never had so much as one beer (and this is a hulking 6’, 200+pound guy) and gotten behind the wheel of a car.
3. He has never missed curfew.
4. He has never put himself in a dangerous situation.
5. He has always demonstrated good judgment around alcohol.
He’s right on all counts. While I know my son’s not perfect, all 5 points he made are completely true. But I’m not concerned about him overdrinking.
I’m concerned about the other 29, whose drinking habits, tolerances and values I don’t know.
I’m uncomfortable about the lack of responsible adults (read: parents) anywhere in the vicinity.
I’m uneasy about the distance from home.
I’m exceedingly worried about the proximity to water.
I’m keenly aware of the possible drama of a co-ed weekend trip.
As an adult, I know the potential for catastrophic problems is huge.
On top of all that, precisely because my son is so dependable and has such good judgment, I know he’s going to feel a sense of responsibility if something dangerous or problematic does unfold.
Of course, he’s hoping I change my mind.
The dilemma is that as much as I wish I could…as much as I don’t want him to “miss out” on what he believes is essential to feeling graduated…I have to adhere to my values.
But it’s not easy.
I’m a little surprised to find myself here. After all, I’m a parenting coach, an educational therapist and someone who has tons of parenting confidence. I’m not someone particularly susceptible to parental peer pressure. Yet still, I feel conflicted.
With all my heart I want him to go and be with his friends and celebrate his achievement. But given the conditions, I can’t keep him safe. And that’s still part of my job as his parent.
If I didn’t have to be out of the country that weekend, I actually would find a way to make it tolerable for me so that he could go. Namely, I would drive there and stay at a B&B so I would be nearby if problems arose.
But that’s not the case, so my answer must remain No.
Much to my surprise, a lot of parents are okay with parties like this beachfront fest. They will take turns chaperoning at similar fetes throughout the party season, and presumably watch underage kids consume alcohol.*
Call me old-fashioned, but is a party where drinking is central truly the only way to celebrate one’s high school graduation?
I’m afraid I don’t understand why our society has entwined celebration with alcohol so deeply that most people don’t believe you can do one without the other – even teenagers.
To prove just how binary the association is, my son turned down an offer from his stepmom to host a supervised-but-alcohol-free graduation party at her lake home – complete with swimming pool, tennis court and meals all weekend. “My friends wouldn’t come,” he said simply. Booze is that vital to their idea of fun.
As Dr. Savage so eloquently points out in #17:
· If there were no alcohol at ANY graduation parties…kids would be just as likely to laugh, dance, make-out, stay up all night, party and have a good time.
I agree.
So here’s my plea as June graduation season rolls around. Let’s all, as parents, “Just say No” to alcohol at graduation parties this year.
And let the fun begin.
* Unaware of the risk of serving alcohol to minors? These legal tips for parents hosting graduation parties are most assuredly worth a read
** UPDATE: After I wrote this piece, my son and his friends recognized that I was not the only parent to have serious concerns. Chaperones are now in place. Rules have been established. Carpools have been set. My son and I have discussed my fears; we have reviewed potential scenarios and anticipated consequences. He gets to have his celebration and I get to keep my peace of mind.
Sleepover myth #1: If you’ve been led to believe that there is some inherent, not-to-be-missed psychological benefit to sleepovers, you’ve been misled. Sleepovers at a favorite friend’s house are not the only way to navigate your children’s significant developmental milestone of separation.
Here’s another belief buster: If you hope that by creating the perfect sleepover experience for your children you’ll banish the horrid (or re-live the happy) memories of your own, forget it. As I mentioned in a recent post on millennial parenting, a key aim for parents is to avoid reflexively reacting against one’s own upbringing.
I’m about to break the third leg on the sleepover stool: Playing with a friend in one’s PJs, eating more treats than usual and brushing teeth side-by-side with a pal are not critical activities for successful socialization. If your child goes to school (or is home-schooled and participates in activities with peers), those needs are being met. Consider siblings and relatives a bonus.
For school-aged kids, sleepovers are essentially extended play dates. With teens, they’re a chance to flex independence muscles. The decision to allow them – or disavow them on safety or other grounds – is entirely up to you.
That’s the huge upside of intentional parenting, which is a largely matter of trusting your instincts and following your values. In situations like whether or not to encourage or permit sleepovers, there is no “right way.” There’s just your way – the way that is reflective of your values and your innate knowledge of your children. Without a developmental imperative at stake, you have the freedom to consider what’s appropriate for your particular kids.
When it comes to deciding if a sleepover is right for your child, remember this maxim: “If you’ve met one kid, you’ve met one kid!” No two children are alike – not even within families.
Say you have a child who, if he or she woke up scared, sick or cold, would be afraid to wake up their friend or their friend’s parents for help. In this scenario, a sleepover wouldn’t be a positive experience – and consequently, one worth avoiding.
But what if you have another child who is flexible, outgoing and embraces change and transitions with ease? For s/he, there’s probably no downside to giving sleepovers a thumbs-up.
Here are 4 sleepover strategies for your consideration:
✔Safety first.
Your children’s wellbeing is paramount. While it may feel awkward, there are important things to ask the hosting parent. This is what would be on my list:
· Are there guns in your house?
· Is there anyone living in your home besides your immediate family?
· Will you be home or are you going out and leaving the kids with a babysitter?
· Are there controls on accessible computers?
✔Comfort second.
Keep these steps in mind for school-aged children:
· Consider having the first official sleepover at a cousin’s or other close family’s house where there’s already a sense of safety so your child can learn the lay of sleepover land
· Ensure kids’ physical and psychological comfort by encouraging them to take along a favorite stuffed animal or other well-loved object, as well as their favorite jammies
· Your children need to know they are welcome to call home and be picked up for any reason, at any time
✔Preparatory trouble-shooting for teen overnights.
Teens up the ante on several fronts. While some parents may have an entirely different list, these would be my particular additional need-to-knows:
· Will there be access to alcohol?
· Do the hosting parents have any specific house rules my teen should know in advance?
· Will there be other teens there?
· Will there be teens of the opposite sex there?
· Will there be unsupervised access to a pool or hot tub?
✔Sleepover hacks worth trying.
Kids generally come home from sleepovers wrecked. They eat abnormally and sleep poorly. And after being on their best behavior at their friend’s house, they resort to their best crabby selves once home. If you prefer your children well-fed, -supervised and/or -rested, mull over these options:
· Sleepunders offer the perfect solution to sleepovers, as they include all the expected rituals (a kid-friendly dinner, a fun craft, and a movie in pajamas or sleeping bags), after which the guests return home to sleep in their own beds
· Sleep-away camps, many of which are geared to specific topics (aerospace, theatre, leadership, origami even), give kids tons of independence as well as immersion in one of their interests
· If your family practices a particular faith, see if there are weekend or overnight “retreats” for youth; these pack a sleepover and reinforce values into a single package
Like many, many decisions you will make as a parent – to sleep over or not to sleep over is just one for which the right answer is the answer that’s right for your children. As I always tell my clients and friends who come to me for parenting advice, make your decisions based on you and your co-parents values and the outcomes you want. When you use those as your guiding principles, just about everything turns out just fine.
