Tips For Keeping Grandparenting The Great Gig That It Is!

The official commemoration of Grandparent’s Day is the Sunday after Labor Day, but most grandparents will tell you that every day is grandparent’s day if you’re lucky enough to be one!

I suspect you’ve heard (or said!) some variant of this: “I know I’m biased, but my granddaughter / grandson is one of the smartest / most creative / most coordinated / most [you-name-it!] child I have ever known.” 

It’s a great job if and when you get it – and everyone benefits from intergenerational relationships. Let me enumerate the benefits first…and then I’ll share a few tips for hanging on to this plum assignment!

Values of GrandParenting

The Job Description Can’t Be Beat.

Hands down, the #1 reason grandparenting is so great is that you get all the fun of being a parent without any of the responsibilities! Revel in your special role as cheerleaders, spoilers, supporters and bestowers of unconditional love.

You Get to Share Your History and Passions

Grandchildren, particularly as they grow up, look to grandparents for their perspectives and advice. So share your values, your family history and what life was like for you at their age.

Share your passions, too. My parents are great art lovers and collectors, and they’ve shared this with my kids both in terms of cultural outings and gifts of art. Of course my kids appreciate the inherent value of the works, but they truly treasure being a part of their grandparents’ legacy.

Even so, it’s not the “stuff” grandparents give; it’s the connection. My mom always sent my kids little things to let them know she was thinking of them. Pinecones she collected on a walk…a random purchase on the street…a funny postcard. My kids loved receiving it all.

The Gifts (of Health) Keep On Giving

Being a grandparent can help older adults stay active, which often translates to better health. There are mental health benefits as well.

One study demonstrates that women who spent one day a week caring for young grandchildren may have a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disorders. Another studied examined the link between quality grand-parenting relationships and depression and found that if the relationship is a high-quality one and support is mutual, both grandparents and grandchildren experience reduced incidence of depression.

You Can Help Out When / If You Want

Many grandparents have the economic freedom to defray education or medical costs for their grandchildren. If you have the means and want to help, it’s a great feeling. And typically there aren’t any negative tax consequences.  My children and I are grateful for the college tuition assistance and also recognize my Dad’s commitment to their education.

When it comes to your time, it’s up to you to set limits based on your energy and availability.

How to Keep the Gig!

Let Parents Rule.

Parents have a major role to play in the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren in that they set the rules and determine the consequences for the moral and ethical education of their kids.

One grandmother I know has the right approach. She says she always lets her daughter and son-in-law make the parenting rules – and she never shares her opinion on anything except to admire it. “I might not always agree with them, but my opinions are not on the table. The kids are their responsibilities to raise and our responsibility to love.”

Adopt the Right Tone.

Don’t be judgmental. Your grandkids will experiment with tons of things that may be foreign to you. Unless your grandkids are into something dangerous, keep your opinions to yourself. Respect and honor their choices about food, hairstyles, clothing, etc. Unsolicited advice or commentary is often heard as criticism and may be alienating.

p.s. Don’t be hurt by the occasional sassy comment. Kids can be insensitive, but it’s often age-appropriate and not intended to be rude or disrespectful.

Learn to Use Technology.

If grandparents want to have full access to their grandkids, they have to get proficient with the technology their grandchildren are using. My kids never listen to voicemails, so my Mom knows that if she wants to get in touch, she needs to text them. And while Facebook may be the preferred social media for baby boomers, their teen and tween grandkids are much more apt to use Instagram or Snapchat.

Stay Involved.

Don’t always wait for an invite. Offer to help by taking the kids out for an afternoon if you’re local or for a visit if you’re long-distance. Other ways to stay involved is to gift parents with a cleaning service or a spa afternoon. Remember how overwhelming it was for you as new parents and do something you might have appreciated.

But don’t keep score on who is contacting whom. If you want to stay engaged with your grandchildren, reach out to them.

Make Your Home Welcoming

A kid-friendly home makes visiting much less stressful for everyone. Make a quick sweep around the house to remove breakables and irreplaceables. If possible, borrow, rent or buy things like strollers, pack-n-plays, high chairs and even bikes so your kids don’t have to schlep them. And stock some fun toys and children’s books.

What if there aren’t any grandparents in the picture, either by death or lack of interest?   

Building a tribe is always the best solution – even when grandparents are in the picture. One friend of mine, who regularly volunteered at a senior center, unofficially 'adopted' grandparents for her kids.

If you’re the type that would like a more detailed primer on how to be the perfect grandmother or grandfather, check out the American Grandparents Association for resources, tips and other perks.

Either way, enjoy the best job in the world!

Empty Nest, Full Heart

Aack!  I woke up on August 1st and faced the reality that for the first time in 23 years, I won’t have any children living at home beginning September 15th.

My “baby” graduated from high school June 2017, so come back-to-school season, there will be no breakfasts to make, no lunches to pack, no sporting events to attend, no teacher conferences to schedule, no band concerts to buy tickets to, no cookie dough to sell…

What’s a mom to do?!?

Nothing, actually.

That’s the aim of parenting. Our job is to get them ready to leave; to help create launchable people. So I’m proud.

I’m fortunate in that things have gone more or less according to plan, with all three of my kids doing what they want to be doing. My oldest just moved to another city to start his first job. My middle one will head back to college. My youngest will set off on his gap year. And I will have an empty nest.

No first day of school for this mom. Starting very soon, I will be waking up for me alone. I will still be a parent, but a different type of parent, one who is much less hands-on.

I have been thoughtful about positioning myself – and them – for this moment. When I transitioned to high school mom, I stopped being their alarm clock. They got themselves to and from school. They scheduled their own haircuts and made their own plans. When I transitioned to gap year and college mom, I didn’t always know where they were. They booked their own travel, chose their own classes, managed their own time. That was intentional.

I also made sure I built a full life for myself– as more than a mom. But truth is, my favorite job is this mom gig. I relished each phase of their development, and I never guessed (or didn’t let myself think) it would be over so soon.

I realize I’m not the only parent facing this. If you have been a stay-at-home-mom or dad, how do you redefine your life when your purpose has been taking care of children?  Take some advice from this mom…plan ahead. It may seem like it is way in the future, but it will feel like it arrives as quickly as tomorrow.

Step back. Allow your kids more autonomy and more responsibility. Build your life: volunteer, consider a new career, get engaged in your community, become an activist. Our world needs more amazing people like you! 

Get ready, folks. They will leave. But that’s the goal.

It’s still really hard to see them go. So while my nest may be empty September 2017 –I’ll have a full heart forever.

34 Ways to Say 'I Love You' Mom! Or What Moms Really Want for Mother's Day

Not all Moms are fans of breakfast in bed on the one day a year when a mother’s preference ought to rule. For them, a wake-up meal rustled up by unschooled young chefs can leave one, well, hungry for more. Apparently, also on the not-well-loved gift list is attendance at a crowded brunch with the entire family in tow – even at restaurants where the chefs are well-schooled.

So… as Mother’s Day rolls around for the 103rd time since President Woodrow Wilson first proclaimed it an official U.S. holiday, I offer this crowd-sourced list of 34 unconventional, meaningful and creative ideas that let these Moms know she’s the best!

* # 34 is my favorite because I feel the exact same way!

1.     A handwritten letter from Dad to the kids, naming all the things he loves about their Mom, acknowledging all the things she does for the family, details she presumed went completely unnoticed.

2.     Homemade Mother’s Day card.

3.     Handwritten note expressing gratitude for me.

4.     Coupon for a spring-cleaning crew.

5.     A donation to my favorite charity.

6.     Adult-kid-and-mom trip.          

7.     Any art made with handprints.

8.     Handmade gift certificate for a walk in the woods or by the lake with my family.

9.     Silence.

10.     A free day’s labor in the yard.

11.     A “Mom’s Day Off” when I don’t have to do ANYTHING!

12.     Something made by an artist whose work I love.

13.     A gift, like yarn or fabric or a book about sewing, that demonstrates my family notices the things and hobbies I love.

14.     Not having to make dinner (for as many days as possible!).

15.     A framed (by Dad) compilation of favorite mommy-and-me drawings.

16.     The word “M-O-M” within a heart spelled out on the living room floor using my massive oversupply of plastic containers!

17.     Little knickknacks from the dollar store.

18.     Handmade paper frames with their pictures in them.

19.     A bag filled with all of my favorite little things.

20.     Space.

21.     Edible arrangements and a home-cooked meal.

22.     Sweet letters written to me from the kids.

23.     A small pot of seedlings with a hand-drawn ladybug (and a squeeze ball for when clients drive me crazy!

24.     A spa day.

25.     My son won a sledding contest and the prize was a choice between a bicycle and a microwave – and he chose the microwave for his Mamma!

26.     A book of coupons with adorable offers like these:

“I’ll eat whatever is for dinner without complaining.”

“I’ll perform one chore of your choice.” (presumably also without complaining!)

“I promise to put away my clean clothes.”

“You get to pick what TV show to watch tonight.”

27.     The word “Family” carved out of wood covered with all the family activities my kids loved.

28.     Spending the day with me, going out to a meal, a movie or a museum.

29.     A phone call on Mother’s Day if we can't be together.

30.     My grown son gave me a ride on his motorcycle, which meant I could hug his grown body while he drove. How long it’s been since he was a little guy I could hug whenever I wanted!

31.     A swim with the dolphins at Shedd Aquarium in Chicago.

32.     A little gift box my daughter filled with the top 25 reasons I'm a great Mom. (Priceless)

33.     A baby pig with a red ribbon on his neck. (You can’t make this stuff up!) 

34.     The gift of being a Mom was always gift enough for me. Truly.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there and to all of the other people who are functioning in myriad ways as 'mothers' to children in their lives.

How to Raise Kids Who Can 'Love and Be Loved'

Forget about an apple a day keeping the medical doctor away.

If you want to do something to ensure your kids experience backed-by-research benefits like:

·      Higher self esteem

·      Better parent-child communication

·      Improved academic performance

·      Fewer psychological and behavior problems and

·      Better coping skills…

be sure to add copious amounts of affection and acceptance to the healthy foodstuffs you dole out daily.

Need another reason? Parental warmth, affection and acceptance not only foster your child’s psychological development while they’re under your roof, it also impacts the quality of loving relationships they will have as adults.

Learning to “love and be loved” is a fundamental part of being human for all of us. From it comes profound purpose for our lives. It’s what gives us the capacity to go out into the world, confident in our ability to navigate and perhaps even mitigate the complexities of daily life through our personal and professional contributions. For that, we need a secure attachment bond.

Let’s start at the beginning….

Early Attachment – Why it Matters

From the moment of birth, the attachment bond a child develops with the primary caregiver (usually, but not always, the mother) becomes their framework for emotional wellbeing.

Absolutely key to healthy development, the attachment bond is essentially a child's ability to feel responded to by the parent or caregiver. When a child's needs are consistently met at the early stages of life, parent and child grow to trust the other. A secure attachment based on that feeling is what enables kids to separate and differentiate when developmentally appropriate.

Without it, kids can develop what’s called “learned helplessness,” which makes them (as children and later, without intervention, as adults) believe that adverse outcomes are not only to be expected, but also are not controllable or changeable by their own agency.

I can’t overstate how critical parental affection and acceptance are for helping your children develop a secure attachment. Making them feel important, special and cared about – warts and all – is like dressing them in a Teflon® suit that makes it is safe to experiment, to express themselves and to imagine their potential.

Best yet, even when those experiments fail…

that creative expression doesn't merit an audience beyond the living room…

or their ideas to save the world are wildly immature and impractical…

kids with a secure attachment know intrinsically they are still OK – great, even! Their worth and value isn’t defined by what they “do.” It’s their existential “being” that makes them worthy of their parents’ – and others’ – love.

What Does Affection and Acceptance Look Like?

Affection needs to be both broadly defined and responsive to your particular children’s needs and preferences.

Mine? All three love and appreciate physical affection. But not every family – or every kid in every family – is the cuddly type. Be aware of the differences and uniqueness of each of your children. Give them warmth and affection that is meaningful to them – not that which comes easiest to you.

While hugs, kisses and reassuring pats on the back are certainly meaningful demonstrations of love, there are a lot of non-physical actions that express parental love:

·      Relax on the couch and read or watch TV together

·      Sit with them and talk about their day (be sure you’re focus is on them, not on prepping dinner)

·      Build or create something together like a puzzle or model

·      Put a love note in a lunchbox or surprise them with a note on the bathroom mirror that they’ll see as soon as they get up

·      Acknowledge the characteristics that make them unique – not just those that replicate traits you like about yourself

·      When kids leave for overnight camp or college, hide small gifts and notes in their luggage

·      Thank them – even when they’re just doing their chores

·      Tell them, “I’m looking forward to seeing you after school,” so they come to know you think of them even when they’re not around

Parental warmth and affection is an all-the-time activity, NOT JUST WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT. (Excuse the virtual screaming, but this is important.)

We all get angry and frustrated with our kids, sometimes justifiably, sometimes not. But there is never a time when it’s appropriate for a parent to withhold love and acceptance from a child. We need to model that it’s possible to both love our children and be furious with them.

Angry kids often say, “I hate you!” to their parents. Rather than hurling a similar invective, parents need to say, “I understand. I may not like the behaviors I’m seeing, but I still love you.”

If you have teens, you may have noticed that they’ve become less amenable to affection – particularly from the opposite sex parent. But I promise you that teens don’t age out of the need for your warmth and affection. This is especially true when they act in ways that make them hard to love. So the next time your sullen and sarcastic teen starts to steal out the door after a fight, remember to say, “I love you, be safe.” Those moments matter.

No parent is immune to lapses on occasion. In Chicago Tribune columnist’s Heidi Stevens’ recent essay, she admits she’d noticed that the easy delight she’d expressed when her kids were little ones was starting to become “more connected to performance” now that were school-aged. Her personal pledge to “light up” every time she sees her kids is something all of us can emulate.

Why Modeling Adult Affection and Care Matters

Think back to when you were a child. Do you remember seeing your parents hug and kiss, crack one another up, or maybe even dance together? On the surface, you may have felt anything from embarrassment to delight, but at a deeper level seeing one’s parents express affection for one another makes kids feel safe and loved.

Unbeknownst to you – and maybe even to your parents – they were also modeling what to aspire to when it comes to adult relationships.

Here’s the thing: It’s easy for parents to forget that it only works if we model it. We have an assumed parity regarding roles and responsibilities (e.g., you cook, I clean). “Thanks, dear,” is understood. But kids aren’t privy to your adult conversations when you divvy up chores…or the bedtime chats when you take time to connect. So if kids don't hear or witness expressions of appreciation and love between their parents, they either presume they don’t happen – or that they aren’t central to a healthy relationship.

That’s why the tacit must become explicit.

Here’s extra incentive.

Children grow up to treat their partners as they saw their parents treat one another. If we’re inattentive, dismissive or non-affectionate to our mates – intentional or not – that becomes our kids’ blueprint of what to expect when they partner up. And who wants that for their children? No one I know.

So what is appropriate behavior for parents to model?

·      Stop what you’re doing and greet your partner when she or he walks in the door

·      Display affection (hugs, kisses, even just a big smile)

·      Be courteous to one another; say “Please” and “Thank you”

·      Let your kids hear you acknowledge one another’s successes

·      Express empathy when a parent has had a rough day

·      Communicate your appreciation for your partner’s small kindnesses in front of the kids

Still not convinced?  Remember, the goal of parents is to launch their kids after 18 years. The partner? That’s the one we want to keep! So not only does expressing love and appreciation for our partners help our kids, it keeps adult love connections alive as well.

Trust me, there’s enough love to go around. Make sure you express it daily and with gusto!

How To Create A Summer Worth Savoring

IT’S SUMMERTIME!!!!

If you’re a working (or even non-working) parent of school-age kids, the youngsters are registered and ready to enjoy the combination of sleepover-sports-arts-theatre-park-district-specialty-religious-and-other camps you’ve engineered to provide them with a structured, safe and stimulating place for the summer.

That means it’s time to start creating a magical summer the entire family can savor…long after the setting of the late-August sun.

What’s so magical about summer?

Time. That’s what.

Imagine this: You and the kids are done with your daytime responsibilities or activities. What’s on the docket?

· A full 3 hours of daylight to spend as you please

What don’t you have?

· Reams of homework to oversee

· Unexpected runs to the office-supply store for due-tomorrow school projects

· Last-minute class snacks to bake or buy

· School clothes to prepare

· Recitals, school plays, and teacher conferences to attend

I’ll admit that even in summer, there will be weeknights with an activity you or your kids must attend. And trust me… I know all about summer sports leagues! But for most parents on most weekdays – and especially on weekends – summer delivers two priceless commodities that are in exceedingly short supply during the school year: Freedom and Flexibility.

That’s why I wholeheartedly advocate intentionally creating a summer that gives you and your kids time to reconnect… reenergize… and re-whatever your particular family wants and needs.

Enjoy the benefits of free and unstructured time for you and your kids

While modern parents must cover work hours with activities (or childcare) for their kids, there is tons of evidence touting the multiple benefits of languid, self-directed, even day-dreamed-filled free play. Even the American Academy of Pediatrics – a decidedly pro-kid organization – maintains that free play is critical for healthy child development.

Then there’s the fact that summertime free play is simply a delightful way for families to spend precious time together.

Indulge me this short trip down memory lane. When my kids were small, I’d pack or pick up sandwiches after work and camp were done, and we’d saunter to the park and have a picnic dinner and play. Weekends, they’d have a ball collecting stones at the beach then return home to paint them, sans “kit.” Some nights we’d read their bedtime stories – outside! Yes, I was one of those parents who, when the school year loomed, grieved in advance the lack of unstructured time with and for my kids.

Summer is also a time to indulge your own passions and interests and ask your kids to give them a whirl. We all know how important physical activity is for kids, right? Luckily, there are many fun family runs and walks to participate in, many raising money for good causes.

But let’s say you’re not the athletic type. Don’t force yourself to participate in a family 5K – that won’t be fun for anyone. Do you like yoga? Are you an art lover? An avid bird-watcher? Invite your kids to join you. You may not a devotee make, but exposing them to a variety of activities can only expand their worldview.

What role can your kids play in making the most of summertime?

A quick Internet search turns up countless lists of fun things to do with kids during the summer, so I won’t duplicate that info here.

For a fresh take on summer fun, why not put your kids tech-savvy to work and have them do the research and planning? Give them a budget and a time allotment and challenge them come up with a personal Top Ten list of things to do relatively close to home. They can even research bus/train schedules, available parking and event select some places to eat or picnic nearby.

The outcomes are numerous:

· You have their complete buy-in and enthusiasm for those activities

· You’ve enhanced their self-directed executive functioning skills (a “powerful predictor of academic performance and other positive life outcomes”)

· You’ve off-loaded a significant to-do

· Everyone enjoys superb family outings

Summertime is a gift – one you give your family. Enjoy it!