Just Saying No To Alcohol at Graduation Parties

Mixing booze and high school graduation parties may not be a dilemma for all parents, but it sure has become one for me this year.

 Actually, let me clarify “dilemma.”

I’m super clear about how I feel about alcohol. I’m not in favor. It’s one of my core values (parenting and otherwise). I don’t judge lawful adults who do imbibe; it’s just not for me.

I’m similarly confident when I assert that drinking is not appropriate or beneficial for young people. In fact, it can be quite dangerous physically and psychologically to them and those around them. 

I heartily agree with every one of the “27 Reasons NOT to Serve (or turn a blind eye to) Alcohol at High School Graduation Parties” outlined by Seddon R. Savage, MS, MD and Director of the Dartmouth Center on Addiction and Recovery (and parent of 3).

Then there’s this: Drinking is against the law for those under the age 21, (although there are exceptions).

Trust me, the blinders are off. As an educational therapist and mom parenting in the 21st century, I understand that many high schoolers experiment with drinking – and most college students make a habit of it. But it’s still not something I support or condone.

My own three kids (18, 20 and 23) seem to have a normative relationship with alcohol, drinking in ways I deem responsible. It’s still not ideal from my perspective, but I respect and trust their judgment about alcohol because they’ve given me every reason to do so.

So what, you may ask, is my dilemma?

With apologies in advance to my high school graduate, it is this:

He has been invited to a two-day, un-chaperoned and unsupervised beach house party seven (7) hours drive from home at which there could be up to 30 students – and plenty of booze.

I said No.

My son wasn’t happy. “Everyone is going,” he said. “I’m the only one who isn’t allowed to go!”

Naturally, he noted all the reasons I should let him attend.

1.    He has never gotten overly intoxicated.

2.    He has never had so much as one beer (and this is a hulking 6’, 200+pound guy) and gotten behind the wheel of a car.

3.    He has never missed curfew.

4.    He has never put himself in a dangerous situation.

5.    He has always demonstrated good judgment around alcohol.

He’s right on all counts. While I know my son’s not perfect, all 5 points he made are completely true. But I’m not concerned about him overdrinking.

I’m concerned about the other 29, whose drinking habits, tolerances and values I don’t know.

I’m uncomfortable about the lack of responsible adults (read: parents) anywhere in the vicinity.

I’m uneasy about the distance from home.

I’m exceedingly worried about the proximity to water.

I’m keenly aware of the possible drama of a co-ed weekend trip.

As an adult, I know the potential for catastrophic problems is huge.

On top of all that, precisely because my son is so dependable and has such good judgment, I know he’s going to feel a sense of responsibility if something dangerous or problematic does unfold.

Of course, he’s hoping I change my mind.

The dilemma is that as much as I wish I could…as much as I don’t want him to “miss out” on what he believes is essential to feeling graduated…I have to adhere to my values.

But it’s not easy.

I’m a little surprised to find myself here. After all, I’m a parenting coach, an educational therapist and someone who has tons of parenting confidence. I’m not someone particularly susceptible to parental peer pressure. Yet still, I feel conflicted.

With all my heart I want him to go and be with his friends and celebrate his achievement. But given the conditions, I can’t keep him safe. And that’s still part of my job as his parent.

If I didn’t have to be out of the country that weekend, I actually would find a way to make it tolerable for me so that he could go. Namely, I would drive there and stay at a B&B so I would be nearby if problems arose.

But that’s not the case, so my answer must remain No.

Much to my surprise, a lot of parents are okay with parties like this beachfront fest. They will take turns chaperoning at similar fetes throughout the party season, and presumably watch underage kids consume alcohol.*

Call me old-fashioned, but is a party where drinking is central truly the only way to celebrate one’s high school graduation?

I’m afraid I don’t understand why our society has entwined celebration with alcohol so deeply that most people don’t believe you can do one without the other – even teenagers.

To prove just how binary the association is, my son turned down an offer from his stepmom to host a supervised-but-alcohol-free graduation party at her lake home – complete with swimming pool, tennis court and meals all weekend. “My friends wouldn’t come,” he said simply. Booze is that vital to their idea of fun.

As Dr. Savage so eloquently points out in #17:

·      If there were no alcohol at ANY graduation parties…kids would be just as likely to laugh, dance, make-out, stay up all night, party and have a good time.

I agree.

So here’s my plea as June graduation season rolls around. Let’s all, as parents, “Just say No” to alcohol at graduation parties this year.

And let the fun begin.

* Unaware of the risk of serving alcohol to minors? These legal tips for parents hosting graduation parties are most assuredly worth a read

** UPDATE:  After I wrote this piece, my son and his friends recognized that I was not the only parent to have serious concerns.  Chaperones are now in place.  Rules have been established. Carpools have been set.  My son and I have discussed my fears; we have reviewed potential scenarios and anticipated consequences.  He gets to have his celebration and I get to keep my peace of mind. 

4 Sleepover Strategies that Make Everyone Sleep Better!

Sleepover myth #1:  If you’ve been led to believe that there is some inherent, not-to-be-missed psychological benefit to sleepovers, you’ve been misled. Sleepovers at a favorite friend’s house are not the only way to navigate your children’s significant developmental milestone of separation.

Here’s another belief buster:  If you hope that by creating the perfect sleepover experience for your children you’ll banish the horrid (or re-live the happy) memories of your own, forget it. As I mentioned in a recent post on millennial parenting, a key aim for parents is to avoid reflexively reacting against one’s own upbringing.

I’m about to break the third leg on the sleepover stool:  Playing with a friend in one’s PJs, eating more treats than usual and brushing teeth side-by-side with a pal are not critical activities for successful socialization. If your child goes to school (or is home-schooled and participates in activities with peers), those needs are being met. Consider siblings and relatives a bonus.

For school-aged kids, sleepovers are essentially extended play dates. With teens, they’re a chance to flex independence muscles. The decision to allow them – or disavow them on safety or other grounds – is entirely up to you.

That’s the huge upside of intentional parenting, which is a largely matter of trusting your instincts and following your values. In situations like whether or not to encourage or permit sleepovers, there is no “right way.” There’s just your way – the way that is reflective of your values and your innate knowledge of your children. Without a developmental imperative at stake, you have the freedom to consider what’s appropriate for your particular kids.

When it comes to deciding if a sleepover is right for your child, remember this maxim: “If you’ve met one kid, you’ve met one kid!” No two children are alike – not even within families.

Say you have a child who, if he or she woke up scared, sick or cold, would be afraid to wake up their friend or their friend’s parents for help. In this scenario, a sleepover wouldn’t be a positive experience – and consequently, one worth avoiding.

But what if you have another child who is flexible, outgoing and embraces change and transitions with ease? For s/he, there’s probably no downside to giving sleepovers a thumbs-up.

Here are 4 sleepover strategies for your consideration:

✔Safety first.

Your children’s wellbeing is paramount. While it may feel awkward, there are important things to ask the hosting parent. This is what would be on my list:

·      Are there guns in your house?

·      Is there anyone living in your home besides your immediate family?

·      Will you be home or are you going out and leaving the kids with a babysitter?

·      Are there controls on accessible computers?

✔Comfort second.

Keep these steps in mind for school-aged children:

·      Consider having the first official sleepover at a cousin’s or other close family’s house where there’s already a sense of safety so your child can learn the lay of sleepover land

·      Ensure kids’ physical and psychological comfort by encouraging them to take along a favorite stuffed animal or other well-loved object, as well as their favorite jammies

·      Your children need to know they are welcome to call home and be picked up for any reason, at any time

✔Preparatory trouble-shooting for teen overnights.

Teens up the ante on several fronts. While some parents may have an entirely different list, these would be my particular additional need-to-knows:

·      Will there be access to alcohol?

·      Do the hosting parents have any specific house rules my teen should know in advance?

·      Will there be other teens there?

·      Will there be teens of the opposite sex there?

·      Will there be unsupervised access to a pool or hot tub?

✔Sleepover hacks worth trying.

Kids generally come home from sleepovers wrecked. They eat abnormally and sleep poorly. And after being on their best behavior at their friend’s house, they resort to their best crabby selves once home. If you prefer your children well-fed, -supervised and/or -rested, mull over these options:

·      Sleepunders offer the perfect solution to sleepovers, as they include all the expected rituals (a kid-friendly dinner, a fun craft, and a movie in pajamas or sleeping bags), after which the guests return home to sleep in their own beds

·      Sleep-away camps, many of which are geared to specific topics (aerospace, theatre, leadership, origami even), give kids tons of independence as well as immersion in one of their interests

·      If your family practices a particular faith, see if there are weekend or overnight “retreats” for youth; these pack a sleepover and reinforce values into a single package

Like many, many decisions you will make as a parent – to sleep over or not to sleep over is just one for which the right answer is the answer that’s right for your children. As I always tell my clients and friends who come to me for parenting advice, make your decisions based on you and your co-parents values and the outcomes you want. When you use those as your guiding principles, just about everything turns out just fine.

How to Raise Kids Who Can 'Love and Be Loved'

Forget about an apple a day keeping the medical doctor away.

If you want to do something to ensure your kids experience backed-by-research benefits like:

·      Higher self esteem

·      Better parent-child communication

·      Improved academic performance

·      Fewer psychological and behavior problems and

·      Better coping skills…

be sure to add copious amounts of affection and acceptance to the healthy foodstuffs you dole out daily.

Need another reason? Parental warmth, affection and acceptance not only foster your child’s psychological development while they’re under your roof, it also impacts the quality of loving relationships they will have as adults.

Learning to “love and be loved” is a fundamental part of being human for all of us. From it comes profound purpose for our lives. It’s what gives us the capacity to go out into the world, confident in our ability to navigate and perhaps even mitigate the complexities of daily life through our personal and professional contributions. For that, we need a secure attachment bond.

Let’s start at the beginning….

Early Attachment – Why it Matters

From the moment of birth, the attachment bond a child develops with the primary caregiver (usually, but not always, the mother) becomes their framework for emotional wellbeing.

Absolutely key to healthy development, the attachment bond is essentially a child's ability to feel responded to by the parent or caregiver. When a child's needs are consistently met at the early stages of life, parent and child grow to trust the other. A secure attachment based on that feeling is what enables kids to separate and differentiate when developmentally appropriate.

Without it, kids can develop what’s called “learned helplessness,” which makes them (as children and later, without intervention, as adults) believe that adverse outcomes are not only to be expected, but also are not controllable or changeable by their own agency.

I can’t overstate how critical parental affection and acceptance are for helping your children develop a secure attachment. Making them feel important, special and cared about – warts and all – is like dressing them in a Teflon® suit that makes it is safe to experiment, to express themselves and to imagine their potential.

Best yet, even when those experiments fail…

that creative expression doesn't merit an audience beyond the living room…

or their ideas to save the world are wildly immature and impractical…

kids with a secure attachment know intrinsically they are still OK – great, even! Their worth and value isn’t defined by what they “do.” It’s their existential “being” that makes them worthy of their parents’ – and others’ – love.

What Does Affection and Acceptance Look Like?

Affection needs to be both broadly defined and responsive to your particular children’s needs and preferences.

Mine? All three love and appreciate physical affection. But not every family – or every kid in every family – is the cuddly type. Be aware of the differences and uniqueness of each of your children. Give them warmth and affection that is meaningful to them – not that which comes easiest to you.

While hugs, kisses and reassuring pats on the back are certainly meaningful demonstrations of love, there are a lot of non-physical actions that express parental love:

·      Relax on the couch and read or watch TV together

·      Sit with them and talk about their day (be sure you’re focus is on them, not on prepping dinner)

·      Build or create something together like a puzzle or model

·      Put a love note in a lunchbox or surprise them with a note on the bathroom mirror that they’ll see as soon as they get up

·      Acknowledge the characteristics that make them unique – not just those that replicate traits you like about yourself

·      When kids leave for overnight camp or college, hide small gifts and notes in their luggage

·      Thank them – even when they’re just doing their chores

·      Tell them, “I’m looking forward to seeing you after school,” so they come to know you think of them even when they’re not around

Parental warmth and affection is an all-the-time activity, NOT JUST WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT. (Excuse the virtual screaming, but this is important.)

We all get angry and frustrated with our kids, sometimes justifiably, sometimes not. But there is never a time when it’s appropriate for a parent to withhold love and acceptance from a child. We need to model that it’s possible to both love our children and be furious with them.

Angry kids often say, “I hate you!” to their parents. Rather than hurling a similar invective, parents need to say, “I understand. I may not like the behaviors I’m seeing, but I still love you.”

If you have teens, you may have noticed that they’ve become less amenable to affection – particularly from the opposite sex parent. But I promise you that teens don’t age out of the need for your warmth and affection. This is especially true when they act in ways that make them hard to love. So the next time your sullen and sarcastic teen starts to steal out the door after a fight, remember to say, “I love you, be safe.” Those moments matter.

No parent is immune to lapses on occasion. In Chicago Tribune columnist’s Heidi Stevens’ recent essay, she admits she’d noticed that the easy delight she’d expressed when her kids were little ones was starting to become “more connected to performance” now that were school-aged. Her personal pledge to “light up” every time she sees her kids is something all of us can emulate.

Why Modeling Adult Affection and Care Matters

Think back to when you were a child. Do you remember seeing your parents hug and kiss, crack one another up, or maybe even dance together? On the surface, you may have felt anything from embarrassment to delight, but at a deeper level seeing one’s parents express affection for one another makes kids feel safe and loved.

Unbeknownst to you – and maybe even to your parents – they were also modeling what to aspire to when it comes to adult relationships.

Here’s the thing: It’s easy for parents to forget that it only works if we model it. We have an assumed parity regarding roles and responsibilities (e.g., you cook, I clean). “Thanks, dear,” is understood. But kids aren’t privy to your adult conversations when you divvy up chores…or the bedtime chats when you take time to connect. So if kids don't hear or witness expressions of appreciation and love between their parents, they either presume they don’t happen – or that they aren’t central to a healthy relationship.

That’s why the tacit must become explicit.

Here’s extra incentive.

Children grow up to treat their partners as they saw their parents treat one another. If we’re inattentive, dismissive or non-affectionate to our mates – intentional or not – that becomes our kids’ blueprint of what to expect when they partner up. And who wants that for their children? No one I know.

So what is appropriate behavior for parents to model?

·      Stop what you’re doing and greet your partner when she or he walks in the door

·      Display affection (hugs, kisses, even just a big smile)

·      Be courteous to one another; say “Please” and “Thank you”

·      Let your kids hear you acknowledge one another’s successes

·      Express empathy when a parent has had a rough day

·      Communicate your appreciation for your partner’s small kindnesses in front of the kids

Still not convinced?  Remember, the goal of parents is to launch their kids after 18 years. The partner? That’s the one we want to keep! So not only does expressing love and appreciation for our partners help our kids, it keeps adult love connections alive as well.

Trust me, there’s enough love to go around. Make sure you express it daily and with gusto!

Top 4 Parenting Resolutions for 2017

Somewhere in the melee that often accompanies the holidays, I hope you will find a few minutes to consider how you can develop your parenting skills to have a more fulfilling family experience in 2017.

My Top 4 New Year’s Parenting Resolutions have the potential to make you more intentional, confident, tolerant and grateful parents.

Resolution #1

Ensure You and Your Co-Parent (Married, Cohabiting or Divorced) Agree on Core Parenting Values

There is no job more significant and challenging than becoming a parent. And yet…what is a bumpy ride in the best of circumstances will feel like a rollercoaster off the rails if co-parents don’t agree to the core values by which they’ll parent and make decisions.

Here are some examples:

·      As parents, we will be kind, honest, respectful and supportive of one another and our children – and we will teach our children to do the same.

·      We will not undermine our parenting values in front of the children. If there is a conflict, we’ll go behind closed doors and discuss the situation.

·      No hitting. By anyone, of anyone.

·      As parents, we have the final say; family rules must be respected.

·      Our home will be a safe place, where diversity of opinion and personal needs are valued and honored.

If you’ve been parenting for a while, you may believe you’ve established and agreed on your core values, albeit tacitly. I promise that making the process explicit will enervate your collective resolve to parent more effectively and collaboratively.

Obviously you and your partner won’t agree on everything. Some discord is to be expected; after all, you’re unique individuals. But you do need buy-in on the values that matter most. On less-critical topics related to preference or temperament, you can work out how to accommodate the other’s needs. For example, a stay at home parent might be able to tolerate a lot of noise during the day, but is happy to ensure that home is more serene after the workday for a breadwinner who prefers a quieter household.

Naturally, the parenting conversation will continue as your kids age. But don’t wait too long to think through potential problems. I’m a huge proponent of proactively anticipating how you’ll navigate certain issues.

It’s not necessary to determine in Year 1 what you’ll do (in the unlikely event, of course!) that your son or daughter will come home drunk at 15. But when kids hit age 12 or so, that is the time to anticipate, discuss and agree on how you will react if and when it occurs.

Oh – and make sure you communicate your values and red rules to all your frontline caregivers, including family and paid help. They don’t need to agree with your values, but they do need to abide by them.

Resolution #2

Spend Less Time Negotiating Rules and Engaging in Verbal Tugs-of-War with Your Kids

If I see one more mom crouched in front of a 5 year-old trying to understand his or her “feelings” in the middle of a tantrum, I’m going to lose it! When we indulge an out-of-his-mind child in a conversation about feelings, we think we’re meeting his needs, but we’re not. What that child needs isn’t, “Use your words.” He needs support and containment.

Likewise with trying to get your kid to agree that your decision is final. Remember Mateo, the precocious child in the Linda, Linda, Listen video? It’s clear who runs the show in that household – and it’s not Linda.

Bottom line, parenting decisions do not require explanation, convincing, clear rationales, justification or proof of fairness.

 “No” is a complete sentence. “Because I said so” is, too.

 I’m not advocating being tyrannical. Certainly there are multiple age-appropriate opportunities for conversation about the family rules. And when my kids need an explanation of why, for example, they couldn’t have a cell phone at age 8, I explained why. What I didn’t do was try to convince them my position was right.

Resolution #3

Tolerate Mistakes – Yours, Your Co-Parent’s and Your Kids’

One of the most important lessons you’ll teach your child is to accept their imperfections – and to own up to their missteps when they make them.

All of us make mistakes. Sad to say, it generally takes time – and more than a single infraction – to learn how to moderate and modulate our behavior. That’s where kids need our modeling.

A typical “Dana” mistake is overscheduling. I usually pull it off, but sometimes it comes at a cost. What’s important is owning it – and making sure they see me make better decisions about what I put on my plate.

A frank admission from a parent who errs goes an extremely long way toward helping a tween feel understood. It can be as simple as, “I blew it; that was the wrong call. I’m so sorry. I’ll be more thoughtful next time.”  The more we can model how to own and learn from our mistakes, the more our kids will have the opportunity to do so themselves.

As our kids enter their teens, the stakes get even higher. At that point, our job is to help our kids think through – and avoid -- what could be catastrophic consequences of their inevitable gaffes. If your teen is the rare one who will never pick up a drink, post an unfortunate picture, or have sex, mazel tov. But since most teens will experiment in those areas, I made sure my kids understood several things:

·      If you’re going to drink – don’t drink and drive

·      The internet does not have a reliable delete button

·      If you’re going to have sex – use condoms or take birth control

·      Speaking of sex – don’t do it at a party where someone can videotape you

Tolerating the mistakes of our partner or co-parent? Not so easy, I know. It’s much easier to tolerate one’s own shortcomings – or that of a beloved first-born – than your wife’s or husband’s. What helps is remembering that we love them…and therefore they deserve the benefit of the doubt, too.

Resolution #4

Enjoy the Ride

Parenting is the most important job we’ll ever have. Personally, I think there’s nothing better. And I know there’s nothing more challenging.

The ride begins the moment we find out we’re pregnant, start the adoption process or hire the surrogate. That’s often when the fantasy about how our child’s life will unfold begins.

It’s a trap. Truth is, we cannot map out our kids’ lives. There isn’t any advance warning – like the Waze app for drivers – that prepares us for upcoming jam-ups and detours. But the ride can be enjoying and even thrilling all the same.

Some bumps are easy; others…devastating. Imagine a 2nd grader who’s not reading. A 5th grader who is being harshly bullied. A 17-year-old diagnosed with bone cancer.

It’s hard when your child doesn’t following the same trajectory as their peers. Incredibly so. The way to be a fully present and intentional parent is to do all you can to understand the new normal. Live it fully. Accept that it will be a roller coaster. You may not know when the next twist may come, but you know there’s going to be one.

There is no straight line in parenting…and no right way either. When that reality is acknowledged it takes the pressure off.  Perfection is an illusion and the Instagram and Facebook stories we are inundated with are a lie.  We all have those magical moments when everyone in the house is happy and if our lives could be a reel of those isolated moments strung together (oh yeah, that is Facebook!), we would all think life is grand.  But real like is messy and in truth it makes it more fun…and helps to build more resilient kids that can tolerate the inevitable bumps in the road.

I believe that if you do the things that make you a more thoughtful and intentional parent, you’ll feel more confident and enjoy the ride.   

HAPPY NEW YEAR!