Give Dads Their Due this Father's Day

In my Mother’s Day post last month, I noted the dramatic escalation in the workload and roles that mothers have been experiencing during the pandemic. Even though moms have long logged off from their professional stints only to clock in for a second shift of child- and household care -- the uptick during COVID is something from which few mothers (if any) have fully recovered.

This isn’t to say that the pandemic has been a cakewalk for dads, who experienced a different sort of sea change. Perhaps more accustomed to setting aside familial responsibilities (including the weighty mental load) once they crossed the threshold of their offices, factories or organizations, fathers who migrated home to work remotely were suddenly thrust into the chaos of upended family lives as schools and day cares closed and the country went on lockdown.

For starters, many dads got woke to the massive amounts of energy their wives and/or partners expend in myriad ways caring for the family. Fathers who lost their jobs and found themselves in an at-home parent role reversal learned this in a most immediate way.

From what I’ve heard anecdotally from friends and clients, however, most dads responded vigorously and helpfully to the vast amount of family responsibilities that required renegotiation during the pandemic:

·       who oversees schooling and after-school activities

·       how do daily chores get accomplished

·       how to deal with work meetings that could not be interrupted

·       which responsibilities and chores could (or should) be handed over to kids

·       tending to everyone’s anxiety and uncertainly around the virus

·       helping every family member cope with the abrupt isolation from loved ones, friends and beloved communities

Once the pandemic became a workaday reality, many dads discovered the benefits of parenting 24/7 far outweighed the rigors as this Harvard study found. Among my client base, for example, most dads appreciated the increase in family-centric experiences and traditions (weekly talent shows, dance parties and back-yard camping trips, for example) that made family members feel more connected. And huge numbers of fathers savored the increased opportunities to engage with their kids -- and vice versa.

One working-at-home dad spoke of his 3rd grader who, having learned more about his day job running a college writing center, figured out he could come in mighty handy, especially as her homework had begun to include more writing assignments! Plus, his aptitude for technology perfectly dovetailed with her increased engagement with it because of remote schooling. As her tech abilities grew, he said, so did her interest. Their shared enthusiasm led to increased Dad-daughter time spent making art videos and playing with other tech tools, ultimately strengthening their bond.

I’ve also heard from fathers whose active involvement in their kids’ day-to-day school deepened. Ensuring kids logged onto Zoom on time supporting them academically became de rigueur for many dads, of course. But the real delight was eavesdropping on their kids’ interactions with teachers and students and witnessing them engage with new ideas in real time.

Pandemic family life mimicked pre-Covid life in one significant way: improvements in family cohesiveness were often the result of missteps or frustration that allowed moms and dads alike to (re)learn the value of do-overs. Lost your temper (again)? Apologize to your kids and talk about how you’ll handle it differently the next time. Then there were the multitude of pandemic-induced upsets like the abrupt cancellation of friend visits, school sports and summer camps. These gave parents tons of opportunities to collaborate on new ways to engage kids -- as well as to discover how their parenting choices in response to disappointment can actually build resiliency.

Naturally, dads felt the downside of 24/7/365 family life; who among us didn’t?! One often reported complaint was the virtual obliteration of private time, denying dads the chance to hang with friends, play team sports or engage in personal hobbies or pastimes. But many consider that a small price to pay.

How might the experiences fathers had during COVID translate to their professional lives once the pandemic is firmly behind us? From what I’m hearing my clients and colleagues say, I suspect that dads will push for an explicit reworking of the corporate “benefit” of work-life balance, one that truly accommodates flexibility for remote work and reduced travel so dads can continue to be more present in their children’s lives.

Sadly but not surprisingly, both male and female parents reported mental and physical health declines during COVID. But one study really caught my attention. It reported that 82% of fathers said “they could have used more emotional support” during the pandemic.

So here’s my plug for Father’s Day 2021. Every parent wants to be appreciated and told they’re doing a good job. Dads are no exception. They want to hear specifically -- from their partners and the kids -- what they’re doing well and right. So let’s make Father’s Day 2021 the day we do just that!

How to Spring Forth Safely: 4 To-Dos for Parents

With Spring just about sprung -- and cabin fever at an unmatched pitch -- it could be majorly tempting for families to lighten up on COVID precautions.

After all, we finally have some hope. The world has several high-quality vaccines, the number of vaccinated people is rising and coronavirus antibodies appear to last for months. Another promising sign (at least for folks in the northern hemisphere) is that after a long, dark winter we now have warmer weather -- and more opportunity for socially distanced engagement out-of-doors.

BUT…

1.     We are still very much in the midst of a global pandemic. As is evidenced by the horrific numbers of cases across Europe, the two new coronavirus variants pose an even greater threat in terms of contagion and severity of illness. Researchers are still studying the effectiveness of the FDA-approved vaccines against them.  Most troubling, public health experts say “the virus is not done evolving.”

2.     Even though most grandparents are vaccinated, they aren’t 100% immune and can still be carriers. Not to mention, the millennial kids and grandkids they are traveling to visit remain largely unvaccinated. (On the plus side, the CDC says it’s safe for fully vaccinated individuals to travel.)

3.     Cabin fever and COVID fatigue are at their height 13 months on, making continued compliance more difficult than ever.

That’s why parents continue to play a vital role in keeping families and communities safe as we celebrate the marvels of Spring.

In other words, it’s déjà vu all over again. Whether it’s April or December, parental decision-making hasn’t changed. We have to gather as much information as possible, digest it, construct a family plan -- then engage our kids in understanding everyone’s role going forward. 

So, as we move into Spring and early Summer, what do I think should be on every parent’s to-do list?

✔  Understand and manage your kids’ capabilities and expectations when it comes to your family’s safety protocols.

Your kids’ developmental stage dictates their level of engagement in the process:

·       For school-agers and younger, they simply need to be informed what the family plan is -- and what your expectations of them are.

·       High-schoolers, for whom some autonomous decision-making is appropriate, still have undeveloped frontal lobes. That means parents gather and relay essential info, put guardrails in place and then empower teens to make decision within those limits.

·       College students may need to be reminded of the impact of their decision-making on the larger society; as burgeoning adults, it’s no longer just about them getting their spring-break needs met.

✔  Recognize that not all families are going to do it the same way -- even pod families that you’ve been in lockstep with about pandemic precautions.

Parents must continue to honor their own level of tolerance in terms of COVID-19 exposure -- and the safety precautions that engenders. This can be particularly tough in states and provinces where the official mandates have been severely curtailed or even 100% abandoned. In some areas, kids are being invited to return to school,either part-time or full-time, complete with sports and extra-curricular activities, making that another piece of the decision-making puzzle.

✔  Involve the entire family in creating ideas for safe warm-weather activities.

As most parents have experienced, our kids’ point-of-view about the world is valid -- and often poignant. The more we listen to and take their ideas seriously, the more everyone benefits. So give kids age-appropriate roles in coming up with strategies for how your family can continue to stay COVID-safe this Spring.  

✔  Err on the side of hope and make your kids’ summer plans.

Just do so with the sure knowledge that the virus will have the last word, so a last minute pivot might be required. Plus, my bet is that summer programming for kids will continue to make COVID-safe protocols a key component of their offerings.

As Dr. Peter Hotez, director of the Texas Children’s Hospital Center for Vaccine Development, notes, “If we want to plan the best summer for our families, we need to stay vigilant for the near term while more adults are being vaccinated.”

So let’s do just that.

The Unexpected Benefits of Blended Families

During the 2020 presidential campaign, the Biden/Harris ticket put more than their policies and plans before the American public: they put their very blended, very modern families front and center too.

And with all due props to the attention given the multiple-ceiling-shattering career achievements of Madam Vice President, I have been equally pleased to see the media focus on her multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi-faith family, because it makes explicit the reality that many families live every day.

Couples divorce. Spouses die. Sexual orientations shift. When new marriages and partnerships happen, children can find themselves living in homes with a new ‘parent’ or new ‘siblings’ they may not know very well - or perhaps don’t even like. That makes for a lot of shifting and readjusting for everyone, to be sure.

Do family members move easily from the old to the new? Seldom. That’s why parents and kids alike need support through the rupture, pain and trauma of family dissolution. The adjustment often includes challenges like dealing with different discipline styles at each parent’s home, the overnight change in “birth order” for kids in blended families, and how best to respond when step siblings don’t (or won’t) get along.

There is no minimizing the effort and energy moving through the transition requires. So if you’re in this situation now, I encourage you to get professional support.

Yet I promise you this: there is a huge upside on the other side of the pain. Eventually, the diversity and richness of blended families far outweigh the ruptures and heartache that precipitated their creation.

My own life is a case in point.

My parents divorced more than 40 years ago, when my siblings and I ranged in age from 9 to 12. Sad to say the divorce and subsequent co-parenting were contentious. While there was much heartache to resolve about my nuclear family’s split, the multiple blessings that resulted from both my parents’ remarriages was an outcome I never could have anticipated.

For starters, I gained a bonus parent who I have long considered “step” in legal name only, someone that has been there for me, supporting me at every turn and fulsomely embracing the role of grandparent.

I went from having just 2 siblings to being one of 7 -- all of whom have become a real support system to me, not to mention the 12 amazing nieces and nephews they have provided!

After my own marriage ended when our three kids were elementary school-aged, their father and I were able to create a mutually supportive co-parenting arrangement that put our children’s welfare first. While at first it felt as if my family shrunk from “the 5 of us” to “just the 4 of us” -- in time and with mindful attention, it eventually expanded to include my ex-husband’s new wife, her parents and sibling, my ex-in-laws, as well as my new partner, his daughter and family.

For sure we share fun times like family vacation adventures, milestone birthdays and graduations. During our quarantined holidays at the end of 2020, we created a “WTF” (With the Family”) event with bespoke T-shirts, wherein each family member was responsible for planning a day’s worth of games and activities. Equally important to the fun we have, our combined family means there are that many more adult heads in the game when one of “our” kids need help or want advice.

An in-the-public-eye exemplar of the power of blended families is the reaction of quarterback Tom Brady’s ex-partner after he and his team clinched the win to put them in Super Bowl LV.

In an Instagram post, Brady’s ex-partner Bridget Moynahan posted in support of Brady’s accomplishments. While her post was admiring and celebratory of Brady, what she really was doing was telling her son, “This is how I honor and treat your father.” In my book, that’s a win for that entire clan. Hundreds of Instagram and Twitter users agreed.

The pandemic has also “blended” families that weren’t expecting it. Adult children, having lost a job due to the coronavirus or needing to care for elderly relatives, move back into their childhood homes, grandchildren in tow. Such situations, while challenging in predictable ways, offer young parents and their kids the opportunity to re-experience the safety and security of loving, albeit imperfect, parents.

Not all stories I hear about are as heartwarming. Far too often, exes won’t play fair with their spouses -- no matter how much it damages the kids. Sadly, unless and until the offending parents are willing to focus on family strategies that would be more beneficial, it’s up to the healthier spouse to put their attention on the things that are in their locus of control and appreciate what is working.

The beauty of blended families is that they’re bigger than any one individual. Every member plays a part in its success by their willing to look at themselves and say, “Sure - this isn’t what I thought would happen to my family, but what things are in my control? How can I be empowered to contribute? What are the blessings available to me in this new situation?”

With a resilient mindset like that, I guarantee you’ll create a rich, diverse and loving place for everyone in the family to land.

What's Love Got to do With It? (Parenting, That Is)

Every year as Valentine’s Day nears, the consumerist clamor escalates. Advertisers try, yet again, to sell us on the notion that flowers, candy and jewelry is what love is all about. If you’ve been in a relationship that’s lasted beyond the falling-in-love stage, you know that’s not the case.

Thinking about Valentine’s Day brings to my mind another essential kind of love: the unconditional love parents have for our children.

The phrase, unconditional love is self-defining. It is, simply, love without conditions.

As important as it is for parents to love unconditionally, it’s probably more essential that our kids feel and have the lived experience of our unconditional love and regard for them. For healthy development, kids need to believe that no matter what they do, their parents love them just as they are -- foibles, irritating habits, differences of opinion, special needs and all.

That doesn’t mean we ought to accept everything our children do -- and it certainly doesn’t imply that we love their inappropriate behavior. Unconditional love isn’t constraint-free love. It’s loving without expecting anything in return. Even when out children behave badly. Even when they scream, “I hate you!” Even when they’re struggling with the limits you’ve set for them. One can hate the behavior but still love the kid.

Not surprisingly, children often experience the setting of boundaries, such as consequences for disrespectful behavior and accountability for their actions (or inaction when action was called for), as proof that we don’t love them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Calling out and setting limits on unacceptable behavior is part and parcel of being a parent. Actually, it’s a considerable part of the job.

How we do that job is key.

As parents, we need to constantly reassure our kids that we love them no matter what. I remember many challenging moments when my kids were teenagers. But even when I was sharing my displeasure at a behavior, or stating consequences for some infraction, I always made a point of articulating and affirming my love.

I’d spell it out quite clearly, actually. I’d say something like, “I know you’re angry at me and don’t like the rules, but the reason they exist is because they’re in keeping with our family values. As your parent, it’s my job to issue consequences when you ignore them. But know this: I love you regardless of how you feel about me right now. In fact, no one loves you more than your dad and I. No one is a bigger fan of yours than we are. No one.”

As parents, let’s constantly express our love for our kids, even in the face of their anger -- or ours. Remember, children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching how we regulate ours. So when your kid says, “I hate you” the worse thing a parent can do is to react in kind.

In fact, when kids say, “You don’t love me” or “I hate you” when we’ve set a limit or enforced a rule, they’re actually trying to make sure we do love them! So let them know that their behavior isn’t going to change the love you have for them, but that there are certain things -- that they well know -- that you're not going to tolerate.

Yes, as parents, we will lose our cool. It’s inevitable because effective parenting can be extremely taxing. When you do lose your temper, approach it as an opportunity not just to amend your behavior, but to rearticulate your love for your kids. Here’s an example: A mom, pressed for time, was making lunch for her 6-year-old, the very same lunch the girl had claimed as her “favorite” several days earlier. As the mom was finishing up, the girl started complaining about the menu. In response, her mother yelled, “Fine!” and threw everything in the garbage.

Immediately the daughter was apologetic, as was Mom, who swept in to repair the rift. But she made sure her daughter understood that she was not apologizing for “being” angry…but for how she expressed it. In their exchange, Mom reinforced the message that there’s nothing wrong with having feelings; we just need to learn healthy ways to express them.

During this year of elevated stress and forced togetherness, pandemic family life has probably gone off the rails once or twice (or a hundred times!) in many of our homes. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many parents casting themselves as “bad parents” because they’ve lost their temper or been angry with their kids. Actually, being angry with one’s kids without withdrawing your love is what helps kids internalize that they are, indeed, loved without conditions.

That’s the best gift we can give our kids. It’s also the answer to the question, “what’s love got to do with it?”

Here’s to a Happy Valentine’s Day -- every day of the year!

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

As I developed my coaching practice, the approach that worked best for most clients was interventive. Parents came to me with a specific concern, and I advised them on ways they might respond that were in keeping with their stated parenting values. The majority of the problems presented were issues I had dealt with many times over -- either in my own parenting or as an educational therapist and consultant. In that sense, I coached from a 10,000-foot view.

Then in March, “go-to-mom-and-parenting coach” met “global pandemic.” Parents, myself included, were in uncharted waters and the waves were sky high. The need for safe harbor grew, and I responded 

Yet as the weeks of the pandemic dragged on with no end in sight -- and equally seismic racial and political issues rocked the U.S. -- I received a lot of call, from clients, colleagues and friends.

I picked up the phone whenever it buzzed. Every parent I knew was shell-shocked, adjusting work and childcare roles to survive in a locked-down world, and scrambling for answers and support. Contrary to the advice I gave my clients, I began to slowly abandon self-care. Forget filling the gas tank; even the fumes ran out. Eventually it was unsustainable -- and I needed to address it.

As the first year of the pandemic drew to a close, I reflected on what I’ve learned (in most cases, re-learned!). I’m sharing the most salient takeaways in my first post of the new year. My guess is I’m not the only parent in need a refresher as we continue to face down the pandemic in 2021. 

No one is immune to parenting problems -- not even parenting coaches.

When the pandemic hit, I was thrust into a world exactly like the ones my clients faced. I, too, had to create a family plan to address the risks of the coronavirus, which was rumored to be both highly contagious and deadly. My personal situation was eerily similar to clients with college-aged kids who had to decide if it were safe to send them back to school come Fall. My middle daughter, a newly minted grad and I had to negotiate what the coronavirus rules would be when she moved home to take a job nearby. And like another subset of parents, it was up to me to figure out how to support elderly and/or out-of-state family members with ongoing health issues, when contact with and travel to them were deemed unsafe.

I was humbled. All parents, myself included, were struggling with not having answers to the tidal wave of questions we had. We were all forced to make decisions in the face of a tsunami of information that was changing by the day. Nothing was predictable, and no amount of research made it less so.

The situation was antithetical to how I had always made parenting decisions and practiced my work. Down I came from that 10,000-foot perch. I was 100% “in it” with every parent with whom I worked.

Being so humbled -- and feeling afresh the vulnerability of parenting -- was a gift. For me, the visceral identification with my clients’ states-of-mind was a type of grace that rallied my best self as I tuned in to them in my practice. For clients, seeing me wrestle with the same decisions they were facing, humanized me. They were comforted when I reiterated again and again that we were all doing the best we could in the moment. Off I came from any perceived pedestal I might have been on. And in the process we all served our children, who were witnessing first-hand just how much of life is impossible to know, predict or plan for.

Even if you’re isolating…don’t isolate!

I had a high rate of anxiety about catching COVID-19 (still do). From the start I planned to isolate, even if it flew in the face of how others were comporting themselves. It was the right decision for me, but it had consequences.

First, it meant I would no longer rely on outside help as I had pre-pandemic. Overnight, my at-home workload increased substantially.

Isolation also took away the myriad social and personal interactions I was accustomed to and enriched by in daily life. By relying on contact-less delivery, I effectively eliminated visits with the many people who lived and worked in my neighborhood. Business meetings, with their introductory chit-chat and welcoming hugs, were replaced by Zoom calls where people preferred to simply get down to business. I didn’t see my partner for months, because he was in contact with his 90-year-old father who was at high risk so we created separate pods.

Historically I’d been no ace at articulating or getting my needs met, but in the face of COVID-19, I contracted further. I reached out less. Didn’t make calls. An invitation from a friend to go for a walk -- even masked and socially distanced -- was inconceivable. I simply said No.

Eventually, my loneliness forced me to reckon with the difference between isolating from the virus and isolating from people. I gathered people I could rely on into a virtual cohort. I ratcheted up my communication with a group of high school best friends -- long on a group text chain-- because they felt like family and I found the increased contact comforting.

These days, when I get an invitation I’m not comfortable with, I know to say “I would like time with you…I just don’t know how to do it safely. Can we figure that out together?”

Self-care reduces stress -- and it’s time-expanding to boot!

I once gave a talk about dealing with stress to a professional women’s group. Back then I handled most everything with the confidence that I would successfully navigate life’s inevitable pitfalls -- or pivot when the need arose.

Then came COVID.

Because it descended like a shroud on top of the tensions of modern family life, pandemic stress felt aggressive, wanton and out of control. Every parent I knew had to completely overhaul family life in an atmosphere of utter fear.

As a coach, I effectively help clients deal with their stress, but I was trying to manage my own solo. Since I was busier, I cut back on exercise. Because of that, I was not sleeping well. Before long, the self-care items on my calendar began to feel more like onerous to-dos rather than the affirming, time-expanding practices I knew them to be.

The addition of two major life changes -- returning to school for another credential and selling the home where I raised my children -- complicated matters exponentially. Because they were time-sensitive, I had to take them both on. Even in normal times they would have added stress to my life. But dealing with them during COVID forced my hand.

My body and my emotions let me know things were out of sync and I resolved to act. I checked in with a therapist to get grounded. I started attending a bi-weekly Zoom meditation group with some women friends. I upped my physical activity. I started keeping a gratitude journal. I signed up for a Whole30 group to start the new year focused on healthy eating with a supportive cohort.

Life is a mystery.

I never imagined a global public health capacity of this nature could happen in my lifetime. Or even in my children’s lifetime. Yet its existence, while exceedingly frightful and difficult at times, has also underscored the immense role families play in society, as well as the resilience which we are all capable of - parents and children alike. The challenges we have all faced, and continue to face, will shape and define us. I for one, want to learn from this experience and emerge a better version of myself. I also want to afford myself the grace and compassion I so readily offer others as I navigate these uncharted waters.

10 Reasons 2020 Will be a Year to Remember

Let’s acknowledge the astounding realities of 2020 up front.

We spent months and months (and months!) washing hands, social distancing and wearing masks. We learned Zoom and other video platforms so we could collaborate at work and stay connected to friends and family. Our kids were yanked from every vestige of normalcy they’d known, from friends to school to camps, experiencing a steady stream of frustration and loss in the process. Most of us tried our best not to hoard toilet paper.  

And yet still, across the globe, COVID-19 is raging at levels not seen to date.

The final blow? This holiday season and the lack of ability to be with family and friends has been devastating for so many of us striving to keep our loved ones and ourselves safe.

A friend of mine sums of COVID fatigue like this: “Over the last nine months, every time I’ve been invited to do something, I’ve had to discern whether or not it’s ‘safe’ to do so. From now on, no matter how awesome the invitation, my answer is No. I simply cannot have that conversation with myself one more time!”

Her sentiments echo the rest of ours. We’re exhausted by the strain of it all. Bereft by the still-growing death toll. Beyond worried about the impact on our children. Too many have become economically destitute, without a social safety net to soften the blow of lost jobs and other economic impacts.

Despite all the adversity adjacent to the pandemic, there have been some familial upsides, and we have learned a lot (some more positive than others) about ourselves, our families and the larger world.

Here’s my top 10:

1.    It’s not just kids who are resilient -- parents are resilient! From the start, parents made a monumental effort to stay apprised of the tsunami of information concerning the coronavirus, and we pivoted family life to adapt to its demands for safety. Oh, and we refashioned our homes into schoolhouses and work sites to boot.

2.    Parents and partners got a close-up-and-personal, day-to-day look at the tremendous load of the emotional and household labor mothers bear -- often to the detriment of their careers. Some couples addressed those inequities.

3.    During the initial months of the lockdown, families had the unprecedented opportunity to spend an outsized amount of private, quality bonding time together.

4.    The murder of George Floyd in particular prefaced a cross-cultural, cross-racial uprising against systemic racism and its impact on socio-economic access and success. Black Lives Matters has escalated its mission unabatedly; it’s unclear how the majority (and governments) plan to contribute to righting these centuries-old wrongs.

5.    We learned how critical having a tribe is; how important they are to our family’s emotional well-being and physical safety.

6.    The enforced absence of elders, as well as friends and family most at risk for coronavirus, reawakened us to the immense value families and friends have in our lives. As soon as it’s safe, I plan to visit everyone!

7.    Families got extremely creative once the weather warmed up -- reimaging every conceivable summer tradition -- from family vacations to summer camps to everyday play dates and sleepovers.

8.    We got infinitely more tech-savvy -- whether we wanted to or not. Some of us even learned how to drive an RV (present company included!)

9.    Parents and parental figures helped children weather the unending string of disappointments that the pandemic has wrought -- and taught them resilience in the process.

10. Then, just this month, the announcement of three promising and efficacious vaccines give us reason for hope and optimism. Seeing videos of the first vaccines being administered this week was incredible. An end-date for the pandemic is in sight -- albeit at a minimum 6-12 months down the road.

As we bring 2020 to its much anticipated close, let’s each pledge to take all we’ve learned and use it to propel us forward into the new year. When you consider all that has transpired and how we’ve survived and, in some cases, thrived, I’m confident that families the world over will make it through.

Best wishes for the holidays - stay safe.