How to Use the Power of Intention(al Parenting) to Create Meaningful Holidays

Consider the key elements of a “picture perfect” holiday season:

• Low stress

• High satisfaction

• No (or limited) family drama

• Meaningful experiences

• Memorable takeaways

Sounds good, right? Especially when you consider the alternative: a stress-filled, commercially driven, energy-draining slog from now to the end of the year!

I’m a parenting coach (and mother of three), so I never promise perfection…but I know from experience that no matter which holiday(s) you celebrate as you close out 2019, taking an intentional parenting approach to planning for and celebrating these special days can make a marked difference in your family’s experience.

Read on to discover how making just a few mindful adjustments to seven major components of the holiday season can make what is often a high-pressure, lengthy to-do list into a family affair of shared effort and satisfying times. And don’t forget to get everyone engaged. Even little kids can take part by decorating cookies, making menorahs and helping tidy up their toys when company is due.

Gifts.  If gifts are an essential part of the holidays for you and your kids, revel in it. Just be intentional about it.

How? Let’s say one of your children has become interested in fitness and health. Show them that what they values matters to you by getting them a gym membership or new workout clothes. Buy them a new healthy-eating cookbook or a set of weights and resistance bands for the house. Put a new pair of sneakers under the tree. You get the (themed) picture.

Another intentional gift-giving strategy that minimizes parental stress and gets our kids involved is a family-giving circle. In one popular scenario, all the cousins names get thrown in a hat and each cousin is responsible for identifying a gift for their pick within a certain price range. The guessing games about who picked whom, the relief aunts and uncles feel for not having to buy for all and the big reveal when gifts are exchanged can make it fun for everyone.

If you’d like to rein in the amount of gifts you give, consider the 4-gift rule, whereby parents give their offspring four presents total. Something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. For some families, such restraint can be a radical departure from tradition, but if all family members are on board it can be an interesting approach to try – even if just for one year. Feel free to create your own four categories.

Another approach for gifts is bespoke, fancy-speak for hand- or custom-made. If you or your kids have a special talent (or just an adorable palm print), homemade gifts can be among the most meaningful to receive because of the personal effort that went into producing them. Hand print aprons were a hit with grandma in my house! And lots of people can enjoy sweet or savory home-roasted nuts or peppermint bark in a festive tin.

Giving.  Are you a family that leans more toward giving then getting? If so, you’ve probably already staked out a philanthropic intention for your holiday. Take time to share your commitments with your children. The dollar amount isn’t important; rather, it is an opportunity to articulate your values. A second intention could be to make holiday giving a family activity. For example, ask each of your children to adopt a cause that has personal meaning for them and help them come up with some novel ideas for how to make a meaningful contribution. If your kids receive an allowance or have money of their own, offer to match their personal contribution toward the cost of the donation to double their impact. Here are a few ideas:

• Your young animal lover could go to a big-box store and pick up food and toys to drop off at a local pet shelter

• Your bookworm can gather up some treasured books to donate to the local library or a school in need.

• Children of every age can go through their closets for unused or gently used clothes and toys that can be donated to a local center that serves families in need

Traditions.  Holiday traditions cover a wide range of activities, but all of them are focused on one thing: bringing your family together to create meaningful moments your kids will remember their whole lives.

Remember…creating memorable traditions isn’t about what you do – it’s about how intentional you are in making sure they happen – year after year. That’s how you create a family story that endures. There are as many traditions as there are families who have them. Here are a few:

• Read “The Night Before Christmas” on Christmas Eve after everyone is ready for bed.

• Have “breakfast for dinner” on Thanksgiving Eve

• Let your kids take turns lighting the Mishumaa Saba or the Menorah

• Write a love letter to your spouse for New Year’s Day

• Take an annual photo of the kids lined up from oldest to youngest in the same spot

• Celebrate HFCDTTTGSAOCSOTC Day! (Read the post to learn more about it!)  

One of my personal favorites is creating a holiday card that contains a photo of your kids “past’ and “present” in the same pose.

Family Experiences.  Digital gadgets eventually get obsolete (or replaced by newer models) and trendy items can go out of style or out of favor. But a family trip? That’s the kind of gift that keeps on giving!

Opting to create a memorable travel experience is one way to intentionally put the focus on family during the holidays. Not everyone has the means or time to travel, so be sure to weave special family experiences into the fabric of each year’s celebration. Consider an annual mother-son date to see a musical, holiday-themed game nights and a dress-up family portrait.

Or wrap up a family experience “coupon” for the family to enjoy in the new year. Waterpark passes, museum memberships, a downtown hotel stay or an art or cooking class for the family are just a few options to consider.

Food.  We all have favorite dishes we make and eat each year. I encourage you to bring your children into the kitchen.  Share family recipes and get the kids involved. I have so many memories of being in my mother’s kitchen and helping, watching and sampling…long before I discovered my own love of cooking. And don’t be shy about asking family and friends to bring a dish too so the burden isn’t anyone’s to bear alone. Even offering to pick up ice can be a big help for a hostess. Try extending your holiday intentionality to food as well. There’s something about the holidays that compels many of us to over-cook and/or overeat! Keep in mind some tenets of mindful eating as you indulge in the treats of the season.

Going Beyond Your Nuclear Family.  One of the benefits of any holiday – especially those at the end of the year – is that the world slows down, giving us extra time to celebrate with our tribe. As a child, one of my favorite holiday traditions was having a friend over for one of the nights of Hanukkah – then going to her house the night her family trimmed the Christmas tree! I also enjoy baking holiday cookies with friends and everyone goes home with a full tin of different treats.

As you consider how to celebrate with family, be sure to make plans with your besties and their families. There’s a richness there that shouldn’t be missed.

Spirituality.  If you follow a religious or spiritual path, be sure to make your faith tradition an intentional aspect of your family’s holiday experience. That alone makes clear your intention to broaden the meaning of the holidays beyond the commercial. If there’s an ancient narrative associated with it, retell the story aloud at the dinner table and talk about its meaning and why we commemorate it. Or attend religious services as a family.

Being intentional about how we celebrate year-end holidays doesn’t eliminate all the stresses and hard work involved in making holidays a cherished family time. But this I will promise: being intentional will help you prioritize your time and choices and will make the holiday season better!

Happy Holidays – however you celebrate!

p.s.  Please send your tips for having an intentional holiday to danahirtparenting@gmail.com

The Dos and Don'ts of Helping Your College Grad

Calling all helicopter (and other) parents of soon-to-be college grads!

Wondering if it is acceptable to lend a job-search hand to your kids? There’s great news on that front according to placement pros – if we rein in our exuberance and let their kids do the heavy lifting.

I like the simplicity of Dos and Don’ts. Ever the optimist, let’s start with the DOs.

DO…be supportive. It takes courage for anyone to pit their skills, smarts and savvy against other qualified candidates – no matter how welcoming the job market. Parents can offer reassurance that our kids are on the right path or provide a tweak in their approach, and that may be all that some college grads want or need.

 DO… encourage your college senior to take every advantage of their college placement office. These pros offer resources to help students launch a successful job search, including resume writing, job fairs and help preparing for interviews. In addition, they can help grads tap into alumni networks. And they’re part of what all those hard-earned tuition dollars fund, so students ought not miss the opportunity to get their money’s worth! If available and affordable, working with a career coach can help them align their strengths and their professional desires.

DO…leverage your network of relevant friends and business associates. Help the college grads in your orbit learn more about available careers and tap into the hidden job market through informational interviews. Not only do such meetings help prospective graduates learn about the day-to-day reality of particular careers, they also provide opportunities to practice talking about their capabilities in a professional setting.

To close friends of the family, you can probably send a group email to share that your child is soon to graduate and to be prepared for a reach out, which of course they are free to decline. I have served in this role for a number of my friends’ children and have enjoyed every encounter and helped make valuable connections.

To business and professional colleagues, I’d err on the side of individual emails asking if they’d be open to hearing from your child who just graduated from [name of university] with a degree in [blank]. Be sure to offer a wide berth for them to bow out if the timing isn’t right or if they’d simply rather not. If they do agree, only then would I send a second email with a cyber introduction to your grad.

DO…offer your grad these fundamental tips about informational interviews:

·      Arrive promptly and dress professionally

·      Use a notepad to keep track of your questions and take notes

·      Keep mobile phones off and out of sight

·      Ask both broad (How did your career get started?) and specific and relevant questions (What is the profile a the person most recently hired at my level?)

·      Inquire about internship opportunities

·      Don’t leave without asking to be connected to another professional (or two) to interview

·      Be responsible for ending the meeting on time

·      Follow up promptly with a written thank-you note if possible

DO…recommend a pre-career lesson in financial literacy. Have them spend a session or two with a financial adviser (some do it gratis in hopes of future business) so they can learn what salary they’ll need to earn in order to meet the demands of their soon-to-be-adult life. Many parents entirely fund their children’s college careers, making our kids entirely clueless just how much it costs to house, feed, clothe, entertain and build a nest egg for oneself. Becoming financially literate about budgeting and how to take advantage of 401k plans are lessons well learned.

DO…remind them that social media is not just about having fun! And while it may seem obvious, it doesn’t hurt to remind our grads to leverage social media platforms for professional networking like LinkedIn, Meetup and Jobcase. In addition, its helpful to remind them that their social media presence is available to potential employers and they should be thoughtful of how they could be perceived based on what they post.

Now, what shouldn’t parents do?

DON’T...do anything your graduate could and should do for themselves. In other words, don’t write their resume or cover letters; set up appointments, research (or accompany them to) job fairs, asking interviewers for questions in advance or attempting to sit in on interviews. These may sound like absurd acts, but placement professionals say parents have tried to control the process in just these ways.

DON’T… attach your grad’s resume or boast about their achievements and aspirations when you contact your network. Relaying pertinent information is strictly your kid’s responsibility. As is diligently preparing themselves for these interviews.

DON’T… steer your kids into a personally admired or known-to-be-lucrative career. We all want our children to have a fulfilling and rewarding professional life. That’s a given. But when you try to cajole your grad into a career of your choosing, you not only undermine their confidence in their capabilities and desires…you’ll more than likely put them on a path that will require them to retrace their steps once the inevitable dissatisfaction sets in.

DON’T…continue to support them without forethought and communication. If you want to provide financial support for your burgeoning careerists – especially if your kid’s dream job doesn’t pay enough to support them fully – consider several forms of in-kind contributions.

Perhaps you could let them live at home (with agreed upon rules and ongoing communication). You might also agree to keep them on your health insurance until age 26. Or offer the use of an extra family car. If you choose to provide direct financial assistance, set expectations for when the money train will stop or clarify the kinds of expenses you are willing to cover. After all, isn’t helping our children grow into competent, capable and confident adults the end-result we’ve all been working toward?