COVID ’21: A Whole New ‘Back to School’ Experience

“The more things change…the more they stay the same.”  This feels incredibly apt right now as families face yet another back-to-school season in the time of Covid.

 What’s really striking is that the collectively relieved parental vibe that clients, family and friends emitted even just a short six weeks ago has in recent days morphed into a lamentable chorus of here-we-go-agains.

Just when it had seemed children might have a quasi-normal, much-needed and highly recommended return to academic life (endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics), parents are once more fretting about sending kids into classrooms and feverishly scanning the headlines for sound medical guidance to allay their fears about the Delta coronavirus variant.

As one mother of a rising 4th grader shared: “While I’m not going to second-guess my city’s decision to return children to the classroom, I have much more anxiety about my unvaccinated child going to school this Fall than I did even a month ago. Naturally, I trust that school administrators have considered all the variables and will instate all the appropriate safety measures so that everyone — kids, teachers and staff — can stay safe. But the situation is far from ideal.”

Far, indeed. It’s hard to predict whether the CDC guidance for Covid prevention in K-12 schools, originally issued on July 9, will get a facelift given the alarming uptick in Covid infections. And it’s not farfetched to suppose that things could completely derail in September because with the pandemic, you just never know.

But one thing is certain: While there are still plenty of unknowns, there is still much parents can do to prepare their K-12 and college students for the coming academic year.  

Manage your negative feelings. There’s a lot at stake this back-to-school season, so parents are facing a mixture of anxious, fearful and even contradictory (e.g., I’m afraid for my kid, but can’t wait for school to start) feelings. No matter what they are, be sure you have a safe place to discharge your anxiety and vent your frustration, either with other parents, a parenting coach, a therapist and/or friends. Address and validate your own experience so that the face your kids see is one they can rely on to help them manage their fears and keep them safe.

Acknowledge the greater good.  Parents the world over are thrilled that the social isolation their have children faced the last 16 months is behind them. Moreover, in-person learning will address the inequities of distance learning exacerbated during the pandemic. These include mitigating the negative impact on academic achievement for students of color and non-English-speaking students; re-bridging the digital divide; and addressing the increase in mental health issues children and adolescents suffered during the pandemic.

Don’t sugarcoat it. Transitions are hard on everyone -- especially kids. So let yours know that it’s okay if they feel a little anxious about going back to school during Covid. If you emphasize how much fun they’ll have and how great it will be, you set your children up with the expectation that everything is going to be rosy. Which means you run the risk that they’ll lock up their fears inside for fear of disappointing you.  

Do make sure you emphasize your confidence that the school will do everything possible to keep them safe. And reassure them that they’ll be able to debrief about their experience every day at home.

Gather as much information from your school district as you can. Now is the time to be a proactive parent. While many school districts will have similar safety measures in place (masking; regular testing; improved ventilation; social distancing; regular hand washing, keeping sick kids home), there will be local variations.

Remember -- the more you know about what the school year will look like, the sooner you can prepare your kids for what’s to come.

·      For early-childhood learners, find out if there will be a pre-visit school day or a Zoom Open House to familiarize your child with their teacher and classroom. Also, try to get a class list and arrange a pre-school play date so that your child will see at least one familiar face on Day 1.

·      For grade-schoolers, be sure to confirm what the drop-off/pick-up protocols will be and share them; consider a practice drill since it’s been such a long time since school was last in session.

·      For teens, continue to be your kids’ frontal lobes. Ask “what if” questions, such as “What are you planning on doing after school? How do you plan to stay safe if you’re around kids that aren’t vaccinated? Role-play with them so they can practice how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Keep a watchful eye on any signs of anxiety.

·      With college students, especially incoming freshmen, ensure they have all the supplies they’ll need (masks, hand sanitizer, etc). Encourage them to research school safety and testing protocols and familiarize themselves with the location and capacities of on-campus medical and mental health resources. Most important, ensure your family has a plan for what to do if they get Covid.

Reorient your kids to the realities of school life. Remote learning has had a profound impact on kids of all ages and grades, and many children may have forgotten about the rigors and challenges of school life. It may surprise them that the transition won’t be as smooth as they expect it to be.

While many children thrived academically during Covid, it could partly be because they had a lot of educational and psychic support at home from parents (or paid teachers/tutors) during the pandemic that they won’t have come Fall.

Engage your kids in conversation about the reality of an all-day scholastic program, the demands of independent learning and self-monitoring, and dealing with social distractions. Stay vigilant, especially in those first couple months. Keep a close watch on their homework and other performance metrics so you can be fully prepared for that first parent-teacher conference.

Many students experienced a loss of academic progress during the pandemic. If this is true for your child, be sure to arrange a meeting with teachers before the school year to set up tutoring or other educational scaffolding your children may need.

Be mindful of the pressures on teachers, school administrators and staff. Families aren’t the only ones feeling frazzled. Returning to the classroom will also be extraordinarily stressful for teachers, administrators and staff who want to keep kids safe while staying healthy themselves. Remember, these professionals went into education because of their passion for helping students learn. On the whole, their efforts during the pandemic have been Herculean, albeit imperfect. Be sure to express your appreciation for everything they do.

Be prepared to pivot. Change is inevitable during normal times, and more so during a global pandemic. So plan vigorously -- but be ready to change when the need arises.

Why Pandemic Self-Care for Parents is Paramount

Take a minute to take a few deep breaths.

If that short pause is all the time you have for self-care today, I get it. But I’ll bet you wish you had time for more.

It’s been an extraordinarily rough seven-plus months of the pandemic, punctuated by the supremely stressful back-to-school season. One mom, whose kids who are at school “in person,” told me feels that she’s a better parent now that her kids are gone during the day.

That’s telling. The majority of parents have been burning the candle from both ends. Unfortunately, that block of wax is down to the quick and you’re running on fumes, hoping you can “power through” yet another week of remote work, remote schooling and all the rest that’s on your plate.

This way of life is simply unsustainable. Especially since experts are telling us there’s no way to reliably predict an end date for when life will go back to “normal.” That’s why parents need to bolster our immune systems and strengthen our resilience in whatever ways we can -- every day if possible -- so that everyone in our families can emerge from this unique period with our health and our sense of purpose intact.

The key is parental self-care -- and I’ve long been a proponent of it. Years ago when I started this blog, it was with a two-parter on the topic. But those pre-pandemic days were easier for parents by comparison.

Please know this: I am not trying to add to your to-do list. Self-care during the pandemic is not about learning a new language or taking up the ukulele. It’s about ameliorating the universal problem of parental burnout given the burden parents are facing.  Self-care will enable you to better manage all of the challenges you are facing. To that end, here are some suggestions for retooling your approach to self-care in several arenas.

Physical and Emotional Health.  Tending to our physical and emotional well-being has never been more important. See if you can incorporate just one idea -- or an idea of your own -- this coming week.

Physical health

·      Exercise as often as you can, outside when possible; if you’re super pressed for time, try breaking exercise into smaller, more doable chunks. When on non-video calls I am now standing rather than sitting.

·      Adhere to regular bedtimes / wakeups for everyone. At the very least, have everyone in their bedrooms and winding down at set times

·      Use these meal-prep time-savers to “make” time for exercising

o   Plan a week’s worth of healthy meals each weekend so you’re only thinking about meal prep, including making grocery lists and shopping, once a week versus every day

o   Make a double batch of a favorite recipe and do meal exchanges within your pod

o   Use part of your unused entertainment budget to get as-healthful-as-possible carryout -- especially on the busiest days

o   Give older kids responsibility for fixing meals either alone or with siblings at least one night/week; this both takes something off your plate and lets your kids learn a new skill

Emotional health

·      Journaling, meditation, and yoga are all great tools for emotional health; if these aren’t for you, find other centering activities you like

·      Leverage the availability and flexibility of online support groups

·      Acknowledge and share how you’re feeling with an empathic friend; if you’re anxious or sad, say so; don’t be afraid to ask for what you need

·      Arrange a tele-health appointment with a parenting coach or therapist if you feel the need; sometimes a check-in is all you need to feel OK about how you’re doing

Give your marriage / partnership the attention it needs.  Given how much forced togetherness you and your partner have had lately, this may seem antithetical. But here’s why focusing on our partnerships is critical:

·      Your kids are paying extremely close attention to how you’re treating one another and working together now that the stakes are raised 

·      As partners, we need more compassion from one another; use this opportunity for self-compassion and to express more compassion to your partner

·      Amp up your communication about the additional demands on your lives and make sure the home / work / home-schooling duties (and stress) are shared

·      Establish screen-free times for you and your partner when your relationship can take center stage

Fortify (or create) your pod. A pandemic is not the time to parent in isolation. If you feel extremely risk-averse about COVID-19 (and I can relate), create a pandemic pod with people who are taking the same COVID precautions you are.

·      Given the duration of the pandemic, it’s vital for kids and adults alike to socialize within a safe circle of like-minded folks

·      Consider using your trusted tribe to help manage distance learning: if you and your pod mates are dual-working parents, perhaps share the expense of hiring a teacher’s aid to help the kids in a blended classroom, or consider sharing among you the role of “teacher’s aid” so everyone can get a free morning or afternoon.

Pat yourself on the back!  We’re nearly eight months into a global pandemic with a deadly and novel virus that scientists are still learning about -- not to mention all the political and cultural upheaval -- and you and your family have survived!

·      Acknowledge and celebrate your resilience…and even the tiniest of victories

·      Be especially mindful of your self-talk and dial down any self-criticism; keep your internal chatter positive and compassionate

·      Don’t up the ante on expectations of yourself or your partner; everyone is doing their best to survive these trying times and may not always be playing their “A” game

Banish guilt and comparison parenting.  Sadly, the pandemic offers multiple opportunities for parents to feel we’re falling short. But know this: every parent is struggling. There’s not a parent out there who feels comfortable with the vast array of decisions they’ve been forced to make during the pandemic, often with inadequate information to support them.

·      The premise of my practice has always been to reassure clients that the right thing for their family is always what they think is the right decision; so figure out what’s right for you and do the best you can

·      Continue to make decisions based on your parenting values.

·      Let go of outcomes; if your decisions and actions were made in good faith, accept what comes, even (especially!) when things don’t turn out as you hoped

·      Remind yourself regularly that our kids will come out of the pandemic intact as long as they know they are safe and loved and that we have their backs

·      Refuse to parent-shame yourself or others

·      Reduce your consumption of social media sites that paint a rosy picture of pandemic parenting -- especially now at the start of a new, largely at-home school year.

Find things to be grateful for.  When your life feels turned completely upside down, finding things to be grateful for can seem futile. But the benefits of gratitude are plentiful and they’re backed by research. Given the impact of the pandemic, what have you got to lose by trying?

Students Report on 'K-12 During COVID'

This summer, my coaching calls with parents torn about sending their kids to college campuses were predictably interspersed with calls from K-12 parents concerned about what the upcoming school year would be like for their children.

Managing work, school and family life during a pandemic has proven to be an incredibly difficult challenge for parents of K-12ers. Kids, on the other hand, have mostly proven to be pretty resilient. Over the last seven months, the realities and the constraints of the pandemic have sunk in, and they learned to make the best of a tough situation -- with one major caveat. Most are feeling the fundamental absence of social-emotional engagement with their friends, and even with other students, teachers and staff (who doesn’t remember a favorite janitor, security guard or beloved crossing guard?). As a comprehensive article on the impacts of distance learning makes clear, “Many things that happen in schools simply cannot happen at a distance.”

Four weeks into the 2020/2021 school year, I decided to modify my most recent post about how college students are adapting and turn the focus on K-12 students.

But first, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to K-12 teachers, most of whom devoted their summers to a crash course in remote technology and pedagogy, ensuring that their students’ classroom experience this Fall would not be as haphazard and fraught as it was last Spring.

Now, let’s hear from our K-12 learners.

Kindergarteners -- Private Elementary Schools, Chicago, IL and Haverford, PA (Kindergarteners are so cute, I had to include two!)

Our first tyke, a super social boy, really struggled last Spring with the lack of structure after his school closed. He terribly missed learning new things and being with his friends. Thrilled to be in kindergarten, Mom says he’s been bounding into the building every day! (So sweet.)

Interestingly, COVID protocols have been virtually invisible to this young boy. He talks about having to wash his hands a lot, but without any negative affect. Same with masks. While wearing a mask all day was tough day one, it’s become so normalized Mom says he simply grabs it when leaving the house for any reason. To him, it’s just what you do in kindergarten! Yet another sign of the resiliency and adaptability of children.

I was really pleased to hear that his teachers use clear masks when doing letter and sound recognition -- anything phonics related -- so kids can see the teachers’ mouths move and match those movements with the sounds they’re hearing. What a simple yet supremely effective adaptation.

Mom has been incredibly impressed with how the school managed and communicated their reopening and operational plans. Everyone acknowledges the risks with in-person classes, but staff and parents alike feel the kids are safe and secure. One ingenious idea the school has employed to mitigate risk is to teach the kindergarteners an adapted sign language they can use to communicate during lunch when they aren’t wearing masks.

When I asked our Haverford, PA kindergartener, an energetic and happy soul, what school was like, I got an enthusiastic, “It’s fun!”  As it should be.

Her mom echoed the appreciation for the school’s approach to safety. While the pre-pandemic kindergarten class size was 18, this Fall they capped enrollment at 12 while still retaining the same amount of staff; three teachers and one aide. Before kids get out of the car, they get a temperature check. As long as the weather is palatable, all teaching and activities take place outdoors, with everyone wearing masks and staying six feet apart. There is a sink outside for regular hand washing and kids sit on parent-supplied yoga mats on the cricket field (it’s a lab school on a college campus). When the weather is inclement, the children are split between the upstairs and downstairs rooms of the schoolhouse so that social-distancing protocols can be maintained.

My favorite creative idea from this school was that while the teachers are always masked, each wears an apron that sports a full-sized picture of their unmasked face! Nice touch.

When I try to imagine what it must be like to be 5 or 6 and have to wear a mask all day and not be able to hug and be close to your friends, it sounds difficult. But this little girl just rolls with the punches. She was more interested in telling me “what I love best is that I made new friends” and all about “T, B and F” -- the letters she’s learned so far this year! Aside from the fact that she “misses her big sister” who goes to school at home, there’s nothing about school she doesn’t like. Except this: “Actually, I don’t like it when my friends fall down and get hurt.”

3rd Grader - Public Elementary School, Evanston/Skokie, IL

This cheerful 3rd grader’s most treasured pre-pandemic school memory is that she got to celebrate her birthday last March with her classmates “in person” -- just days before the pandemic forced schools to abruptly go remote. Her recollection of the rest of 2nd grade is a series of ever-changing deadlines for returning to school and technologically unprepared teachers -- a rough situation that she “just dealt with.”  

Her magnet public elementary school outfitted each of her classmates with a Chromebook laptop that she uses to access both Zoom (for academic subjects) and Google Classroom (for activities like PE, art, drama and library). With her feet now firmly planted in 3rd grade, she feels “super lucky with the teachers that I got” and is basically enjoying school -- “especially library, because I love books!”

When asked what she likes most and least about distance learning, she said so far she likes that there is less homework, although the prospect of difficult math challenges like division and multiplication loom. Her least fave? “Too many meetings in Google Classroom! You only get 40 minutes to eat lunch -- and you have to do workbook pages then, too. There’s just not enough break time.”

Afterschool activities are pretty much what they would have been pre-COVID, including dance, Spanish and religious school, but now they’re all completely online. Smartly, she and a dance-class pal are making the most of the pleasant Fall weather by bringing an iPad outside and participating in the class together, masked and socially distanced of course!

Teacher and student engagement seems to be on par with pre-pandemic times, although it’s no surprise this young student misses hanging out with her friends during recess, at lunch, and before and after school. FaceTime with friends has had to suffice for the most part, although she does get to play, COVID-safe, with her best friend and her cousin. Mom and Dad, both educators who work remotely and within earshot of their daughter’s classroom, says distance learning has given them both the chance to observe their daughter’s teacher up close. As Mom notes, “I’m impressed with her classroom management and with the surprising amount of 1:1 engagement with students,” given the digital format.

This bright and affable 3rd grader was quick to note several upsides of going to school from home: being able to watch TV during breaks…being responsible for getting her own snacks…having more time to practice drawing (she does an impressive hand!)…and learning a lot about technology. “I even taught my friends how to do a screen shot!”

When asked to give distance learning a thumbs up or thumbs down, she wisely opted for sideways: “I’m taking school seriously, but it doesn’t actually feel real. I have to say I’m not thrilled, but I’m making the best of it.”

7th Grade Twins -- Private Elementary School, Berkeley, CA

If going into 7th grade isn’t hard enough, imagine doing it at home -- with your twin! That’s the case for these 7th grade fraternal twins whose private junior high school is 100% online. Not surprisingly, the downside to learning at home is the lack of privacy and independence they would have had if school were in session. But on the upside, the house is big enough that they can “go to school” far enough apart that it mitigates any potential problems with digital feedback and personal distraction. And it helps to have a sibling around when there’s a technical glitch!

From an academic perspective, things are going pretty well for both 7th graders. One in particular said she “really likes having my own time to do my work.” While both kids feel students have about the same amount of material and homework as they did last year, I was impressed that they recognize that distance learning requires a lot more work for teachers -- and they definitely noticed the improvement in their teachers’ facility with the technology versus last Spring.

Two of their favorite and most engaging online classes are art and humanities. “It helps that we can share our drawings and writings online” with classmates. Physical Education? Not so much. “PE is so much harder online. Not everyone has the same resources at home -- and the teacher doesn’t seem to have mastered the technology.”

Perhaps because it’s a small school and it’s harder for students to get lost in the shuffle, they feel teachers “are doing a good job of keeping kids engaged.” Teachers aren’t requiring that every student have their video on during class. While most students do, some do not.

Socially, however, the twins feel isolated and “miss going to school and seeing our friends.” This is developmentally right on for this age group. To compensate, they’ve created a social bubble with another friend - and being able to “hang out in person really helps.” As do virtual “hangouts” on Google. But nothing can substitute for the sense of independence 7th graders get to practice and enjoy when school is in session.

These two are particularly fortunate that their private school offers rich exploratory options for extra-curricular engagement, with classes like GPS globetrotting and comic book art. Non-school activities include baseball and horseback riding, both fun exercise options, and they’re finding remote piano and guitar lessons work surprisingly well on line.

Overall, these two are pretty happy “but regular school is better!” Recently they had their school pictures taken outside in a park across the street from the school; having that experience “was nice and felt somewhat normal.”

Sadly, it could be awhile before “normal” is back.

Freshman, Public High School, Chicago, IL

Freshman year is completely online for this high school newcomer. All classes are conducted on a digital video platform, but once teachers present the content and homework is assigned, they typically allow kids to do work the remainder of the period and check in as needed.

While teachers are having real expectations of students this Fall, in this freshman’s experience, interaction with them “is pretty minimal.” Students are free to email teachers and can ask questions during class, of course. But without the informal connections before and after class, “it feels harder to get to know them and for them to know and see me.” For this over-achieving young teen, that’s a tough spot to be in.

Academically, math seems to transfer online most successfully, “but probably because it’s less discussion-based -- and I have a great teacher.” AP Human Geography, on the other hand, isn’t going as well because the massive amount of information presented on a flat screen makes it harder for him to stay focused.

“The best thing about remote learning is the freedom to choose when you do something,” he says. “I can use the time after the teacher presents to reach out to a friend in the same class to discuss something, do work for that class or another, take a snack break or check in with my teacher and ask a question.”

But as distance learning gives…it also takes away.

“The worst thing is the inability to freely interact with one another. Exchanging contact information with classmates is challenging because we’re not allowed to post our phone numbers. We can email, but that’s not really the way my generation connects.” Plus, as a freshman in a new school, the digital format makes it hard to assess people when “you only see them as a 1” x1” face on a Zoom call -- and that’s if they have their video on.”

The one bright spot socially for this freshman is lunch period, which provides a touchstone…a chance to call a friend and connect more personally. “It would be nice to have more opportunities for connecting with other freshmen -- like Google Chat assignments.”

This particular high school wasn’t great about advertising afterschool clubs either. A virtual club fair was held, but it was sparse because many club presidents who were asked to create videos… didn’t. He has basically joined clubs he learned about through friends who are upper classmen. At this school, social engagement relies heavily on a freshman’s initiative and confidence -- which can be a lot to ask, developmentally.

Note to teachers: schools would do well to provide activities that create chances for more normative social interactions for kids other than email.

Senior, Private high school, New York, NY

This senior transferred to a new private school for his senior year and is “really motivated to do well this trimester because I want to get into a good college.” He says he definitely finds it more challenging to engage with teachers remotely, but he’s “making a concerted effort and showing the right attitude.”

Most of his Zoom classes are live, although some are pre-recorded, which students can watch on their own timetable. He particularly likes learning from home because he can go to school from anywhere. In fact, when I interviewed him he was in California for a week living with a family friend and studying from there.

The downside of distance learning, he says, is that it can be harder to stay engaged. Overall, he finds “the work has been easier for me because everything is in one place. I’m not moving from class to class and having to track assignments.”

It’s interesting to note that in both “live” and distance learning, it’s the student’s facility with the material and the quality of the teacher that are the strongest predictors of enjoyment and achievement. Unlike the freshman above, this student feels math class translates the worst online, but he admits that may be because it’s his most challenging subject. History class, with lectures, assigned readings, and question-and-answer sessions is going much better.

Surprisingly, even though he’s a transfer student, this senior is connecting to his classmates via social media. Perhaps that reflects his self confidence, developmental readiness or just fewer restraints this private school places on kids posting personal information like cell phone numbers.

When the trimester began, this school’s plan was that students would be learning remotely until November 3, when students will return to school at least part time. As with all plans related to the pandemic, however, expectations are fluid and subject to change depending on infection rates. Fingers crossed all goes according to plan.

So there you have it -- straight from the mouths of the students themselves. Thanks to all of the students who shared their insights with me and you!

5 Students Report on 'College During COVID'

I spent a number of weeks this summer coaching distressed parents who were struggling with the decision of whether or not to send their kids to college as planned pre-pandemic. Given the reports of coronavirus outbreaks at colleges across the country, it’s safe to say those who decided Yes have had more than their share of fear and anxiety.

Every parent has a different story to tell. There is a subset who report feeling relief that their kids are at least having some sort of a college experience, albeit not ‘normal’. On the other end of the spectrum are parents frantically checking social media to ascertain if their children are practicing safe social distancing. And every parent worries about the call that tells us our kids are sick.  

Across the country, campuses are dealing with coronavirus outbreaks in myriad ways. The majority of schools quarantine students who have tested positive in special dorms. In fact, I recommended college students leave home with a packed quarantine bag for that precise reason. In some situations, kids who contract COVID-19 decide (or are instructed by mom and dad!) to come home to quarantine and recuperate with parents near at hand.

Overall, the situation on campus is tentative at best. With colder weather ahead, more students will be forced inside. That, coupled with the risk of COVID fatigue and flu season, has led many to guess that campuses could see an uptick in cases.

But let’s look at the situation from the students’ perspective. Here’s a sampling of what five students from across the country are witnessing, thinking about and feeling about “college during COVID.”

Freshman, University of Iowa Tippie College of Business, Iowa City, IA

This freshman in Iowa says “many kids are acting like everything is normal” -- with the expected consequence that they’re contracting COVID-19. In fact, she’s noticed a number of empty dorm rooms lately, presumably students who are quarantining elsewhere.

To date, she’s kept her pod small and they are careful about social distancing, but other people are “out and about.” Like other students I’ve heard from, this young woman says she is academically thriving despite the fact that one of her two in-person classes has already gone remote for the time being because of COVID exposure.

Socially, the situation on campus is hard, she says. After all, unlike upperclassmen, freshmen simply don’t have previous friendships to rekindle in the new academic year. And “with all the coronavirus precautions come fewer opportunities to meet and connect with fellow students, not to mention tons more isolation and downtime.”

With colder weather on the horizon in Iowa, social distanced hangouts on the quad will force students inside -- which doesn’t bode well.

Freshman, University of Georgia, Athens, GA

This freshman notes that within the dorms, most students are operating as they should be. Masks are required and are being worn. In the bathrooms, students are assigned specific showers and changing stalls. From her perspective, since there is no monitoring of whether students are adhering, the strictures seems more about demonstrating effort on the part of the college versus true accountability.

She notes students are not supposed to go into other dorm buildings or other rooms. Not surprisingly, given the not-fully-developed pre-frontal cortex of 18-year-olds, she admits that she and some of her friends have been sneaking into other girls’ rooms. If they’re caught, they get “written up” by the RA. So far, she says, she was caught but hasn’t received an official citation so is “in the clear.”

As for when students get COVID, they either go into quarantine dorms or check into hotels. She also knows that some students with COVID are simply not reporting it and are isolating in their dorms.

Freshman, Brandeis University, Waltham, MA

“A little strange and a little exciting” is how this freshman describes his first few weeks at Brandeis. Naturally, he enjoys living a more independent lifestyle and the freedom of selecting which courses he wanted to take. What has surprised him is how much faster the coursework is versus high school, but he’s acclimating and enjoying the work.

Unlike at a large number of colleges, three of his four classes are actually in person, and he feels the university has done a great job of optimizing everything for the pandemic. While he appreciates that effort in terms of safety and students and professors are engaged, he admits “it does feel a bit alienating at times, like I’m in my own little bubble.” Oddly, the course that is online is music. Anyone who has been in a Zoom meeting is familiar with the platform’s lack of synchronicity, so it’s a bit of a disappointment for him - but the professor’s efforts and resources make up for it.

Newly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes just a couple weeks before leaving home, he says “this is no doubt the strangest part” of college life. Forced to pay strict attention to when and how he eats, he’s not always able to go to the dining hall when everyone else does and sit at a table and start a conversation with someone -- which is how he was accustomed to meeting people in high school. Even coordinating meals with friends is hard at times.

What’s surprised him the most about college life is “how easily people adapted to the COVID regulations. “Walking around campus,” he says, it looks very similar to how life was at the beginning of the year” -- except, gratefully, everyone is wearing masks and following social distancing guidelines. For a variety of reasons, it took him a bit longer to get comfortable being outside and doing stuff, but once he made the leap, it felt good to do so again.

Junior, University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA

After a cross-country drive from Chicago, this USC junior spent two days settling into his off-campus studio apartment with his girlfriend. When they stopped by the USC Village to grab lunch the day before classes began, essentially everyone they saw was wearing a mask -- but there was hardly anyone around! As he put it, “It felt more like a random day of winter break than the start of the semester.” The tableau was so unlike the thousands of students and families who, pre-pandemic, would have been circulating the plaza.

During the first week of online classes, he found himself pleasantly surprised by how discussion-based his courses were -- even over Zoom. But by the end of week two -- with the addition of online socializing and six hours of “virtual” band practice -- Zoom fatigue was already setting in. As he so aptly describes it, “Something about spending hour after hour sitting and staring at your computer screen sucks the life out of you.” Another reminder that this is “no normal semester?” With USC football inactive, he won’t have the payoff of marching on the field playing his bass drum with the 300-member Trojan Marching Band in front of a sold-out coliseum!

USC is doing random COVID testing of students, and he’s had several tests so far. USC is offering free, unlimited testing for non-symptomatic individuals. Unfortunately, he reports, “cases have been spiking lately. During the week of August 30, the positive percentage rate jumped from 3.6% to 17.5%, with 137 students testing positive.” Interestingly, he notes a Los Angeles Times article that indicated what’s spreading the disease isn’t necessarily large gatherings, but the smaller day-to-day hangouts, with individuals spreading the virus from bubble to bubble. Apparently big parties aren’t the only sort of gathering to be mindful about.

If it weren’t for his internal motivation to get out and exercise, the welcoming warmth of southern California weather and the many outdoor activities available within a short drive of USC, it would be easy to spend all his time in his small studio. Fortunately, he and his girlfriend are going on hikes, biking and playing tennis, enjoying socially distanced meals with friends outside -- and even baking pastries for friends at the drumline house who are running a contactless café. Recent air quality concerns have forced them inside, as if the pandemic wasn’t enough to navigate.

The strange thing about this new normal is that the routine is pretty limited, he says. “All of our essential activities take place over zoom, so unless you go out of your way to do so, you would not have to leave the apartment at all.”

Senior, University of Georgia, Athens, GA  (sibling of UGA freshman above)

Given the public health crisis, the presence or absence of college sports programs varies. According to this senior, Georgia’s student body is very committed to making sure football season continues -- and equally committed to keeping freshmen and sophomores on campus. Students are wearing masks and classes are mostly online. Courses with smaller numbers of students are doing a hybrid style, but she says that for her, multiple approaches make scheduling class times and other activities harder to track.

Early on there was a COVID-19 breakout on campus, she says, but it’s pretty controlled at this point. Georgia tracks coronavirus cases through a self-reporting digital platform called DAWG check. Students, faculty and staff with COVID are asked to be personally accountable and update their symptoms and test results daily. If students report erroneously on the site, they are sent to the Student Honor Board.

Strikingly, two of her 10 roommates have contracted COVID-19 it so far - and it’s barely the end of September. As a house, they made the decision to quarantine until everyone tested negative.

Personally, she says although she has had social plans and some people are going to the bars, there’s a lot more downtime than usual and she admits to feeling lonely at times.

From her vantage point, the University of Georgia “kinda turns a blind eye. I would say it’s the most laid back out of every school I’ve heard about right now, but it’s not the right way to be.”

College Bound Face COVID-19 (Parents, Too!)

Last week, I watched my youngest son, a college junior, drive away from home en route to his off-campus apartment in California. As it happens every time one of my kids leave, a part of me broke. Especially knowing that because of COVID, I won’t be flying out to watch him play his big bass drum during halftime at a football game. And it’s the first time any of the kids have left for college without definitive plans for their next trip home.

As I mourned the loss and struggled with the uncertainty, I reminded myself how grateful I am that my co-parent and I raised three launch-able kids.

Truth be told, a big part of me wished my son would have stayed home and studied online. But he wanted to go back, and he’s proven himself to be a responsible young adult many times over, especially through the pandemic. So as he loaded up the car with his stuff, I supplemented with disinfecting wipes and spray, several boxes of disposable masks, a fully stocked medical kit including a pulse oximeter, an instant-read thermometer and electrolyte tabs -- hoping for the best.

Your student is likely departing soon as well and like the majority of families you’re in the thick of final travel preparations. Yet surprisingly, some campuses are still in flux. 

As of this writing, about a quarter of the nearly 3,000 colleges and universities in the U.S. have not yet decided which educational approach their campus will take: fully online; primarily online; hybrid; primarily in person; fully in person; and “other” (whatever that might mean). Not only is there no national standard, even within large cities, schools are taking varied approaches.

It almost doesn’t matter which pedagogical approach campuses are taking because absolutely nothing will be “normal” about college this year. The near-total loss of a normative college experience -- developing new learning communities, dorm life, study abroad, football season, Greek life, if desired -- is hard on everyone. As parents, we need to manage our own feelings of sadness even as we help our kids manage their expectations.

Considering the high-stakes decision schools are making by welcoming students back to campus, most have exhaustive plans for mitigating contagion on campus, including:

·      Strictly scheduled and time-limited dorm drop-offs

·      Online dorm orientations and at some schools, no roommates

·      No parent-and-family weekends

·      Mask-wearing and social distancing mandates

·      Increased number of remote classes

·      Grab-and-go vs. sit-down cafeterias

·      Big Ten, PAC-12 and other sports (plus bands) off the calendar for Fall

·      Size limits for gatherings

·      Spring study abroad cancelled

·      Regularly coronavirus testing

·      Codified quarantine plans for infected students

·      Severe penalties (suspension and/or expulsion) for those who don’t comply.

Despite the many precautions, every parent is justifiably worried that no matter how careful your kids are, they could contract COVID-19 -- or a campus-wide outbreak could occur. Already a dorm at Colorado College is under quarantine and UNC reported COVID-19 positivity rates at Campus health up from 2.8% to 13.6% in just one week resulting in a complete shift to remote learning for undergraduates.

That’s precisely what parents and students need to plan for. Here’s how:

Flex your parental muscles before they leave. COVID fatigue has set in for a lot of young people. It’s understandable: being vigilant isn’t particularly fun. Our college-bound kids need to understand that they are the sole arbiters of their health and safety on and off campus. That means establishing boundaries with roommates and friends from the start and calling out those who act recklessly. If necessary, they must advocate for themselves by reaching out to administrators or parents for guidance and support.

Have an inviolable communications agreement. No matter how cautious your child is or how much you’ve drilled the importance of safety measures into them, they still may get sick. In some cases, they may be reluctant to tell you. Have an agreement that they will let you know if they start to have any kind of symptoms. They must believe you’re their 9-1-1, no matter what.

HIPPA. Another top priority is to be sure they’ve signed off on the required HIPPA forms so medical providers can legally talk to you if they get sick.

Medical care. Find out in advance what on-campus Health Services are available whether your kid gets COVID or has a chronic condition that increases their risk. Your child needs to know what resources are available. Also, identify a physician/telehealth provider and a hospital near campus. Finally, think through several scenarios whereby near-by relatives or friends may be able to help if your child gets COVID-19 and needs assistance.

Have an exit strategy. If there’s a major outbreak on campus and the school shuts down, they will need an exit plan. This includes knowing what transportation method they will use to get them home or where they’ll stay if they remain.

As parents inevitably learn, no matter how well we plan, nothing is set in stone -- especially now. The best parents can do is be nimble, flexible and ready to pivot as quickly as required. Our children need to be a part of this planning and we need to continue to help them anticipate consequences and think through scenarios.

Pandemic life feels more like a wartime environment than anything I’ve ever experienced as a parent. It’s just that this “enemy” is invisible to the naked eye. All we can do is prepare our kids as best we can, then hope they practice healthy behaviors and adhere to the moral compass we helped them develop.

How Parents can Mitigate their Back-to-School Concerns

“School is all I think about” -- the subject line of a recent NYT parenting email -- perfectly sums up the collective angst around the coming school year for just about every parent I know.

In fact, how to manage what’s next academically has been one of the top concerns on my clients’ minds since April, when I first broached the subject of what parents can do to manage uncertainty during the pandemic.

Five months in, uncertainty is still the watchword when it comes to back-to-school season, from pre-schoolers to the college bound, leaving parents to make their best decisions given the profusion of ever-changing data.

First, there’s the new research out of the Children’s Hospital of Chicago that indicates higher viral loads in young children than previously thought. Complicating the picture, a study in Australia demonstrates “extremely limited” transmission in New South Wales educational settings during the first wave of COVID-19. Science magazine reported on a study that indicates that rampant screening of the whole population is a key to safely reopen schools and business. The latest guidance from the CDC, sadly influenced by politics, hasn’t changed since July 23, even given the new studies. And tragically, while a spotlight has been shined on how to protect children in abusive or neglectful homes for whom school is a lifeline, (20% of reports to child protective services come from educational personnel), a nationwide solution remains elusive.

For most parents, the choice of how to return to the classroom has been made for them. As of August 6th, 17 of the 20 largest school districts in the country have chosen to exclusively educate their students online. Other districts are still finalizing their approach. What still remains unknown is how districts are addressing the deficits in technology hardware and access that remain unaddressed for a number of students.

Those are just some of the large systemic issues that education writ large is facing. Closer to home, there are a number of concerns keeping us parents up at night. But with planning and presence, parents can mitigate them.

1.    Risk of exposure to the coronavirus for staff and students.

Either by school-district mandate or personal choice, many parents are opting for online-only education for their elementary and high-school aged kids largely because it is the safest bet, even though it runs counter to advice from some pediatric experts.

The latest data about young kids and COVID-19 hugely impacts parents of pre-schoolers and rising kindergarteners -- particularly if these youngsters and their parents are in regular contact with elderly or immune-compromised people. If sending young children to in-person schools or preschools, parents need to give little ones lots of practice wearing masks for extended periods of time now so it becomes routinized come Day 1. And if your children are washing their hands as much as they ought to be, keep a special eye out for peeling, rashes and cracking and tend to them daily.

Understanding school rules and expectations for in-person learning will help you prepare your kids and keep them and their teachers safe. Not traveling to hot spots and practicing smart social distancing for two weeks in advance of returning to school is vital, as is continued vigilance.

2.     Academic engagement and rigor.

Amid the chaos of the abrupt transition to distance learning this past March, many pedagogical principles took a back seat. So did teacher expectations of students. But come September, that will hopefully change now that teachers have flattened the distance-learning curve and have had time to plan.

That’s not to say that there won’t be variation in teacher preparedness. If you don’t feel the online classroom is challenging enough (or if you have other concerns), bring it to the attention of the teacher and/or administration, as you would have in the past. School staff may be remote, but they remain accountable for their work. Your kids will be learning from home, but they aren’t being educated in a vacuum.

If your child’s achievement is a concern, an effective strategy to alleviate online hurdles is to recall what worked -- and didn't work -- about distance learning for your particular children and put tweaks in place to address the discrepancies. For example, if in the Spring you were quick to jump in when your middle-schoolers struggled with an online assignment, take a more encouraging-but-hands-off approach so they can get better at independent learning.

When school is ‘live’, there are many built-in cues to help kids anticipate what was coming next, which actually prepared them for better learning. Students (of all ages) respond favorably to structure, so build routine into your children’s school day, especially if the online learning isn’t synchronous.  A huge help in this regard is a weekly family meeting. These gatherings don’t just let everyone know what to expect in the coming week, they also give kids and parents alike a chance to learn from missteps and contribute to family harmony. After you create your family’s daily or weekly schedule, hang it in a highly trafficked spot in your home. There are numerous examples on-line.

example taken from caps.k12.va.us

acps.k12.va.us

Remember that many children will find themselves without the necessary resources to succeed and are much more vulnerable at this time. If you are a parent with resources to spare, find local organizations and donate!

3.  Social-emotional engagement of students with both teachers and peers.

As with most things related to children, the short- and long-term impact of decreased social and emotional engagement due to the pandemic depends on your kids’ personality. I know some students who prefer online connection that have actually flourished during the pandemic, both personally and academically.

Others, who thrive on in-person social engagement, as well as some only children, may be suffering. The last thing you want to happen is for your child to be in pain -- or learn to hate school solely because of the isolation of distance learning. As parents, this is the time to figure what works for your kid yet keeps your family within your coronavirus comfort level.

One strategy is to find someone who can act as a big brother or big sister…a combination tutor and playmate…who can engage with your child in a way that produces both a feeling of connection and positive learning outcomes.

Another idea is to do what many families did over the course of the summer and expand your individual family circle with one or two other families with like-minded protective practices to create a multiple-family pod. Pods help alleviate the extreme isolation of the pandemic while providing their kids with playmates who can keep them company during the school year -- even if they aren’t in the same class.

Child-teacher engagement, a vital contributor to effective learning, is obviously more difficult when learning is both distant and asynchronous. A fair number of schools are planning a hybrid of synchronous and asynchronous teaching so kids can have engagement with teachers; it also guards against digital burnout.

Yes, child-teacher engagement is more challenging when learning is remote, but it’s also an opportunity for older kids to be guided to self-advocate for their needs by setting up communication strategies that work for both teacher and student. Even younger kids, aided by parents, can email teachers and request some one-on-one time.

In either case, be thoughtful and empathic about your expectations of teachers. After all, they are most likely facing the same challenges of full-time work and helping their kids learn from home as you are!

4.    Keeping kids physically active.

I hear this concern from my clients all the time. My point of view is that this is one area when parents need to step in and set clear boundaries and expectations. Being healthy (don’t make it about weight or appearance) is a family value that parents need to model every day.

A multitude of articles from credible medical sources speak to the importance of physical activity during the pandemic because it reduces stress, improves cardio-vascular health, boosts the immune system and improves sleep.

So what to do? Make it a priority by clearly building it into your weekly family calendar. During your family meetings, brainstorm fresh exercise ideas to try each week. Online are a slew of free apps many with virtual classes that require little space or special equipment. Exercise as a family (or pod) with bike rides, dance parties, jogs around the block and “team” sports. Make it a challenge by giving family members who reach weekly exercise goals an award. Embrace new activities and encourage your older kids to research the myriad options available on-line.

5.    Preparing kids for the “new normal.”

Whether school is online, remote or a mash-up, things are going to be very different come September. It is essential that parents contact schools in advance to find out what is being planned so you can prepare your children.

If your kids are actually going to school for in person learning, they need to know in advance that there will be dramatic changes. Parents will no longer be walking their little ones into the school. Once inside, there will be fewer students and staff in the classroom, where desks will likely be 6 feet apart. Mandatory hand washing will be the norm. Teachers will be the ones moving from classroom to classroom; students will stay put. Hallways will be one-way. Lunch will be at your desk. Recess will be closely monitored to maintain social distancing. Masks will be worn by everyone.  

Even distance learning will “feel” different than it did this past Spring, when the transition was abrupt and unplanned. In the first days and weeks of the school year in particular, set aside time to talk to your children about what felt different and what they liked and didn’t like. Stay on top of your kids’ anxieties -- and your own -- and get the support you need to accommodate them.

4.    Continuing impact on parents’ personal and professional lives.

This is a huge issue -- especially for parents of school-aged kids. If you’re lucky enough to have a co-parent, success starts by collaborating with your partner.

Talk to one another about how you’ll share responsibilities, drawing on the best of what you did in the Spring. If you’re lucky enough to be working remotely, talk to your boss about maintaining flexibility; fortunately, most bosses are likely to be prepared for these conversations. Make the necessary adjustments within your team as well. If team meetings have been on Monday mornings at 8 during the summer, suggest they occur mid-morning, so parents can help kids settle into their distance-learning routine.

Life is always harder for single parents, working or not. Single parents need to come up with a cohort to share the responsibility. If extended family isn’t available, send a note to others on the block to seek like-minded parents who will join a pod that provides a safety net for parents and support for kids.

For all working parents, one strategy that works extremely well is to create a red-yellow-green sign that indicates a working parent’s availability. Red means “please wait” (unless there’s blood, of course!) yellow means “enter if it can’t wait until [insert time]” and green means “come on in.” Don’t overuse the red if you want the system honored.

You can also set up a low drawer with healthy snacks and water that kids can help themselves to during the day. Let older kids have a little more responsibility for their younger siblings. I’ll give you that parents in previous generations gave older siblings too much responsibility, but nowadays parents are loathe to give them much at all. Do it anyway; kids are capable of much more than we give them credit for.

Most importantly, make the time for your and your partner to have the personal and shared time you need to put yourselves and your relationship first. When you make yourselves a priority through parental self-care, you can trust the rest will fall into place.

These are extremely challenging times for parents and families. You won’t find me saying they’re not. And success requires plenty of planning, resilience -- and a hefty sense of humor. No parent is going to do it perfectly. But as parents around the globe are facing the same challenge, we will have lots of company.

Then there’s this: I believe parents who live by and model their shared values will find the going a little easier simply because they know what they’re doing is the best possible thing for their kids given the extraordinary circumstances.

Let’s get started…I think I hear the bell!

p.s.  I’ll address college students in a post coming very soon! If you have questions in the meantime, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.