When the magnitude of racism erupts throughout society, as it has since the violent deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery, you can bet that kids will have copious questions and challenging feelings. Given that the public outcry is as widespread and politicized and combustible as it is now…their questions and feelings will be even more pressing and troubling.
As parents, our job is to engage our children in conversations that are direct, age-appropriate and fact- and values-based. Here are 3 key areas in which to anchor your approach:
· Awareness - being open to learning and speaking honestly and factually about race in America
· Acknowledgement - validating your children’s feelings (and your own)
· Action - defining ways your family can work toward creating a more just and equitable world
Let’s start with awareness.
For white parents, educating ourselves about racism isn’t about being reactive or expressing our outrage. It means learning about and facing the systemic oppression and institutionalized inequities that have favored whites and subjugated blacks.
Hard truths, to be sure, but truth nonetheless. That’s job #1. Once we have educated ourselves and confronted our own feelings, we will be more adept at helping our children. It’s critical to understand that our education is ongoing. Part of my personal journey to awareness has been acknowledging all that I do not know or understand and committing to learn more.
Job #2 is ensuring that talking about racism, as well as the value of diversity, becomes an ongoing family conversation.
In black families, these discussions have been happening for decades because to raise a black child in America is to raise them in a world that generally treats them as suspect. Plus, black parents know that the larger society isn’t structured to instill pride in and empower black children, so they must take on that task themselves.
In white families -- where privilege is conferred simply by virtue of skin color -- parents need to foster ongoing dialogue about how the differences between people doesn’t confer different value about people. Actually, scholars say such talk should start when kids are preschoolers. Too early, you might think? Far from it. As I pointed out in a post on teaching the value of diversity, studies reveal that kids as young as 4 demonstrate a marked bias regarding skin color and gender even when they themselves are from a minority group.
But the type of dialogue that’s required now that we’re in the crucible of racial unrest is different.
So let’s talk the present-day importance of hearing and acknowledging your kids’ experiences.
It bears repeating that parents need to reinforce your family’s values about equality. And if there is unrest or rioting going on where you live, it’s important to reassure your kids that you will do everything in your power to keep them safe.
Naturally, our kids’ ages dictates the tenor of how these conversations unfold. My young-adult children who are quarantining with me during the pandemic are outraged about current events, and we have had deep and wide-ranging discussions about our complicity in the social construct of racism and our privilege.
Teens, who come to family discussions with an arsenal of information garnered from social media, are often eager to share their insights and experiences with parents and siblings. Their viewpoint, while age-appropriately naïve, should still be respected and, when necessary, challenged by your broader perspective. In other words, don’t pretend to be an expert on race relations but do provide historical and other context when appropriate. And remember, when parents share our own feelings of frustration and despair, kids feel safer to share theirs too.
With school-aged kids and younger, who may have heard or seen the news but are much less capable of processing it, the role of the parent as child advocate becomes most crucial.
In an earlier post on helping kids cope with violent events, I said that the most important job of parents before having a discussion about societal violence is to find out what your kids already know. In the current situation, if they are aware that something bad happened to black people but haven’t seen the video of the officer’s knee on Mr. Floyd’s neck or images of protestors being dispersed with tear gas, you can decide the specifics of what you share.
Jacqueline Douge, MD, a Maryland pediatrician and child advocate, suggests that because kids understand the concept of fairness, they will understand when you explain that what happened is that black and brown people were treated unfairly simply because of the color of their skin.
And with school-aged and younger kids, be especially mindful of your conversations with other adults within earshot of little ones, and be mindful of their exposure to explicit media reports and images.
Now let’s address action. This is an every-family-member-on-deck practice. And like family conversations about equality and racism, action also needs to be ongoing.
With young kids, parents can talk about how to act on the playground and what to do if they witness kids of color being bullied or ignored. Parents can be more inclusive when it comes to birthday parties or other kid celebrations. Teens can identify where their behavior with peers can be improved and how they might foster discussion among their friends or even school-wide. As a family, you might discuss where to donate money if you have the resources, as well as where and how to volunteer and work toward unity. Families that have businesses might consider donating a percentage of their sales to organizations that fight inequality. I know many of us are overwhelmed with feelings; many of us are unsure what to do. I don’t have all of the answers. I just know that action matters. Take time to become more aware; find ways to acknowledge your experience; do not fail to act. We all have to be a part of the solution in whatever lane we choose.
For parents looking for resources for family discussions about race and current events, I highly recommend these:
· The National Museum of African American History & Culture’s online guide to “Talking About Race” includes a special section for parents and caregivers
· The New York Times recently published an article highlighting books for parents and kids of all ages to “help start the conversation” at home
· Child Mind Institute has a live conversation on Facebook about how parents can talk to kids about racism and violence
