9 Values-Based 'Parenting Hacks' for 2020

I love hacks. Like most busy parents, I’m on board with anything that helps me manage my time and activities more effectively. I’ve learned lots of tricks and tips to stay organized, cut corners, or save time. But all of those hacks are on the micro-level, so for the New Year, I am sharing my macro-level parenting-hacks to make the job more satisfying and the outcomes more desirable.

Parenting Hack #1 – Anchor every decision in your values

Want to make the thousands of parenting decisions you’ll face easier and more effective? Then be sure to adhere to my #1 parenting hack, which also happens to be the foundation of my coaching practice.

The advantage of said values – covering issues like family rules, discipline, education and communications– is that they become your true north, making your decisions nimbler. Remember, the more firmly established and articulated your values, the harder it is to veer from them – particularly when you have to make a decision that’s liable to disappoint.

Tip for prospective parents: Check out my primer on parenting values to help you establish the values that will govern your particular brand of childrearing.

Parenting Hack #2 –Take the long view

It may seem hyperbolic to infer that taking the long view is a shortcut, but in practice, it’s precisely that.

Parenting is hardly a straight line. Your kids and your family will zig and zag in ways you can’t possibly imagine or predict. That’s why it’s important to keep your eyes on the big picture of what you want for your children and how you plan to get them there – so that you can more serenely navigate the many meandering moments without losing sight of your true north.

Taking the long view requires you increase your tolerance for the deviations and the plentiful curves that define parenting in the modern age. Fortunately, that’s a practice made easier by focusing on “What kind of adult do I want my child to become” versus “What grade do I want them to get on the upcoming test?”

Parenting Hack # 3 – Let. It. Go.

The best way to save untold stress and aggravation is to adjust your expectations – sometimes more than you’d prefer.

One mom I’ve coached has twin toddlers who (rightfully) suck up most every second of her day and absolutely every ounce of her energy, leaving her home in disarray. This former neat freak had to reconcile the primary needs of her tots against her preference for a spotless home. Clearly one thing had to go – and it couldn’t be the toddlers.

Was it disappointing? Of course. But when we own the reality of our particular situation, we can see the wisdom of tossing expectations that while important, aren’t central to what we ultimately want for our families. The upside is that everyone breathes a little easier.

Parenting Hack #4 – Don’t lose sight of your perspective

Your age and experience, not to manage your fully developed frontal lobe, makes you the expert on just about everything your children confront. Losing a girlfriend, getting a C, not making first chair in the orchestra. To a kid, such events can feel devastating. You know it’s not the end of the world.

So maintain your perspective. Of course be empathetic and model resilience so the next disappointment is a tad easier to bear. But don’t get caught up in your kid’s calamitous response. That’s not parenting, that’s enmeshment. Getting into the rabbit hole with our kids is a disservice to everyone.

Parenting Hack #5 – Only fight the good fights

The best advice I ever received was to not attend every fight or argument my kids invited me to. As every parent knows (or learns), when it comes to finding an end-run around a rule or just wearing parents down, kids are relentless.

So ignore the sly attempts to renegotiate your parenting decisions ad nauseum. If your decisions are anchored in your values and you’ve communicated that, arguing is moot. So share your decision (no cell phones at the dinner table), set appropriate limits (lights out at 10 pm) – and call it a day.

Now that’s a true shortcut.

Parenting Hack #6 – Take care of yourself

Some parents believe that the sign of a good parent is round-the-clock attentiveness to their kids’ every want and need.

Crisis situations aside, parents who dote excessively on their kids and ignore their own physical, emotional or spiritual renewal don’t just set themselves up for failure and resentment. They pave the way for the development of narcissistic, self-centered offspring.

That’s why I tell every mom and dad who ask me how to cope with the stress and strain of parenting: “You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.”

That’s not to say self-care is easy to accomplish, especially when children are small. But if you and your co-parent are not taking care of your own needs, your ability to be there for your kids when it counts will suffer.

If you’re stumped where to start, consider these self-care tips I shared in one of my early blog posts.

Parenting Hack #7 – Protect the couple

When kids are little, it is easy to focus all of the attention on them and ignore the spouse. Children are demanding and primary care providers can feel exhausted and ‘touched-out’ (little people have no regard for personal space).

My guidance for all parents is to make protecting the couple a core parenting value. Teaching kids they come first is a mistake. Once your kids are ‘grown and flown’ it’ll be just you and your partner. The goal is to launch the children and maintain your marriage.

Parenting Hack #8 – Build a community

Build a community around your children and you create an efficient circle of caring adults willing to go to bat for all the kids in the tribe, yours included. How might you go about it?

·      Be a member of groups in which your kids are involved

·      Be an advocate and partner at their school

·      Be an active member of your religious and/or community organizations

·      Create a sense of partnership and collaboration with other parents

Although there is ample confusion about the provenance of the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” it’s decidedly true.

Parenting Hack #9 – Love them

A friend recently shared that when she asked her husband how much he loved her, he answered, “More than you’ll ever know.” At first, it seemed to her a sweetly romantic response. But on reflection, she realized how much he loved her shouldn’t be a mystery! She should have no doubt that he loves and respects her by how he talks to and treats her. And vice versa.

It’s the same with our kids.

What children need from parents most of all is love and acceptance. There shouldn’t be any doubt in their minds about that, regardless of their physical appearance, emotional challenges, academic capacity or reprehensible developmental stage. As amazing as our world is, it can also be a critical and rejecting and dismissive place. That’s why parents must verbalize and demonstrate and model for our kids just how dear they are to us.

Empty Nest, Full Heart

Aack!  I woke up on August 1st and faced the reality that for the first time in 23 years, I won’t have any children living at home beginning September 15th.

My “baby” graduated from high school June 2017, so come back-to-school season, there will be no breakfasts to make, no lunches to pack, no sporting events to attend, no teacher conferences to schedule, no band concerts to buy tickets to, no cookie dough to sell…

What’s a mom to do?!?

Nothing, actually.

That’s the aim of parenting. Our job is to get them ready to leave; to help create launchable people. So I’m proud.

I’m fortunate in that things have gone more or less according to plan, with all three of my kids doing what they want to be doing. My oldest just moved to another city to start his first job. My middle one will head back to college. My youngest will set off on his gap year. And I will have an empty nest.

No first day of school for this mom. Starting very soon, I will be waking up for me alone. I will still be a parent, but a different type of parent, one who is much less hands-on.

I have been thoughtful about positioning myself – and them – for this moment. When I transitioned to high school mom, I stopped being their alarm clock. They got themselves to and from school. They scheduled their own haircuts and made their own plans. When I transitioned to gap year and college mom, I didn’t always know where they were. They booked their own travel, chose their own classes, managed their own time. That was intentional.

I also made sure I built a full life for myself– as more than a mom. But truth is, my favorite job is this mom gig. I relished each phase of their development, and I never guessed (or didn’t let myself think) it would be over so soon.

I realize I’m not the only parent facing this. If you have been a stay-at-home-mom or dad, how do you redefine your life when your purpose has been taking care of children?  Take some advice from this mom…plan ahead. It may seem like it is way in the future, but it will feel like it arrives as quickly as tomorrow.

Step back. Allow your kids more autonomy and more responsibility. Build your life: volunteer, consider a new career, get engaged in your community, become an activist. Our world needs more amazing people like you! 

Get ready, folks. They will leave. But that’s the goal.

It’s still really hard to see them go. So while my nest may be empty September 2017 –I’ll have a full heart forever.

Top 4 Parenting Resolutions for 2017

Somewhere in the melee that often accompanies the holidays, I hope you will find a few minutes to consider how you can develop your parenting skills to have a more fulfilling family experience in 2017.

My Top 4 New Year’s Parenting Resolutions have the potential to make you more intentional, confident, tolerant and grateful parents.

Resolution #1

Ensure You and Your Co-Parent (Married, Cohabiting or Divorced) Agree on Core Parenting Values

There is no job more significant and challenging than becoming a parent. And yet…what is a bumpy ride in the best of circumstances will feel like a rollercoaster off the rails if co-parents don’t agree to the core values by which they’ll parent and make decisions.

Here are some examples:

·      As parents, we will be kind, honest, respectful and supportive of one another and our children – and we will teach our children to do the same.

·      We will not undermine our parenting values in front of the children. If there is a conflict, we’ll go behind closed doors and discuss the situation.

·      No hitting. By anyone, of anyone.

·      As parents, we have the final say; family rules must be respected.

·      Our home will be a safe place, where diversity of opinion and personal needs are valued and honored.

If you’ve been parenting for a while, you may believe you’ve established and agreed on your core values, albeit tacitly. I promise that making the process explicit will enervate your collective resolve to parent more effectively and collaboratively.

Obviously you and your partner won’t agree on everything. Some discord is to be expected; after all, you’re unique individuals. But you do need buy-in on the values that matter most. On less-critical topics related to preference or temperament, you can work out how to accommodate the other’s needs. For example, a stay at home parent might be able to tolerate a lot of noise during the day, but is happy to ensure that home is more serene after the workday for a breadwinner who prefers a quieter household.

Naturally, the parenting conversation will continue as your kids age. But don’t wait too long to think through potential problems. I’m a huge proponent of proactively anticipating how you’ll navigate certain issues.

It’s not necessary to determine in Year 1 what you’ll do (in the unlikely event, of course!) that your son or daughter will come home drunk at 15. But when kids hit age 12 or so, that is the time to anticipate, discuss and agree on how you will react if and when it occurs.

Oh – and make sure you communicate your values and red rules to all your frontline caregivers, including family and paid help. They don’t need to agree with your values, but they do need to abide by them.

Resolution #2

Spend Less Time Negotiating Rules and Engaging in Verbal Tugs-of-War with Your Kids

If I see one more mom crouched in front of a 5 year-old trying to understand his or her “feelings” in the middle of a tantrum, I’m going to lose it! When we indulge an out-of-his-mind child in a conversation about feelings, we think we’re meeting his needs, but we’re not. What that child needs isn’t, “Use your words.” He needs support and containment.

Likewise with trying to get your kid to agree that your decision is final. Remember Mateo, the precocious child in the Linda, Linda, Listen video? It’s clear who runs the show in that household – and it’s not Linda.

Bottom line, parenting decisions do not require explanation, convincing, clear rationales, justification or proof of fairness.

 “No” is a complete sentence. “Because I said so” is, too.

 I’m not advocating being tyrannical. Certainly there are multiple age-appropriate opportunities for conversation about the family rules. And when my kids need an explanation of why, for example, they couldn’t have a cell phone at age 8, I explained why. What I didn’t do was try to convince them my position was right.

Resolution #3

Tolerate Mistakes – Yours, Your Co-Parent’s and Your Kids’

One of the most important lessons you’ll teach your child is to accept their imperfections – and to own up to their missteps when they make them.

All of us make mistakes. Sad to say, it generally takes time – and more than a single infraction – to learn how to moderate and modulate our behavior. That’s where kids need our modeling.

A typical “Dana” mistake is overscheduling. I usually pull it off, but sometimes it comes at a cost. What’s important is owning it – and making sure they see me make better decisions about what I put on my plate.

A frank admission from a parent who errs goes an extremely long way toward helping a tween feel understood. It can be as simple as, “I blew it; that was the wrong call. I’m so sorry. I’ll be more thoughtful next time.”  The more we can model how to own and learn from our mistakes, the more our kids will have the opportunity to do so themselves.

As our kids enter their teens, the stakes get even higher. At that point, our job is to help our kids think through – and avoid -- what could be catastrophic consequences of their inevitable gaffes. If your teen is the rare one who will never pick up a drink, post an unfortunate picture, or have sex, mazel tov. But since most teens will experiment in those areas, I made sure my kids understood several things:

·      If you’re going to drink – don’t drink and drive

·      The internet does not have a reliable delete button

·      If you’re going to have sex – use condoms or take birth control

·      Speaking of sex – don’t do it at a party where someone can videotape you

Tolerating the mistakes of our partner or co-parent? Not so easy, I know. It’s much easier to tolerate one’s own shortcomings – or that of a beloved first-born – than your wife’s or husband’s. What helps is remembering that we love them…and therefore they deserve the benefit of the doubt, too.

Resolution #4

Enjoy the Ride

Parenting is the most important job we’ll ever have. Personally, I think there’s nothing better. And I know there’s nothing more challenging.

The ride begins the moment we find out we’re pregnant, start the adoption process or hire the surrogate. That’s often when the fantasy about how our child’s life will unfold begins.

It’s a trap. Truth is, we cannot map out our kids’ lives. There isn’t any advance warning – like the Waze app for drivers – that prepares us for upcoming jam-ups and detours. But the ride can be enjoying and even thrilling all the same.

Some bumps are easy; others…devastating. Imagine a 2nd grader who’s not reading. A 5th grader who is being harshly bullied. A 17-year-old diagnosed with bone cancer.

It’s hard when your child doesn’t following the same trajectory as their peers. Incredibly so. The way to be a fully present and intentional parent is to do all you can to understand the new normal. Live it fully. Accept that it will be a roller coaster. You may not know when the next twist may come, but you know there’s going to be one.

There is no straight line in parenting…and no right way either. When that reality is acknowledged it takes the pressure off.  Perfection is an illusion and the Instagram and Facebook stories we are inundated with are a lie.  We all have those magical moments when everyone in the house is happy and if our lives could be a reel of those isolated moments strung together (oh yeah, that is Facebook!), we would all think life is grand.  But real like is messy and in truth it makes it more fun…and helps to build more resilient kids that can tolerate the inevitable bumps in the road.

I believe that if you do the things that make you a more thoughtful and intentional parent, you’ll feel more confident and enjoy the ride.   

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Parenting as Easy as 1,4,4: 1 Week. 4 Questions. 4 Answers.

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”  So said 19th century French critic and writer Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr.

While Karr likely wasn’t referring to parenting when he coined the phrase, it rings true nonetheless.

While modern parents are beset by “more is more” consumerism, whether it’s kid gear, how-to books or digital experts trafficking in truth, the basics of good parenting really hasn’t changed over millennia – at least not from my perspective.

You know what else hasn’t changed? The questions parents ask about raising their children.

Last week I heard from 4 different clients, each asking one of the most-frequently-asked parenting questions I’ve heard over the years. In this post, I’m sharing them – and my answers – with the blogosphere! 

QUESTION #1 – How do I create even a little ‘ME’ time?

This question is so universal and ubiquitous that I actually launched my blog with a post on the importance of self-care.  There was so much to say, I continued the conversation in my second blog post!

Here’s the crux: You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.

Let’s say you’re having a beyond-crazy week. What “good” parents (usually moms) think they “should” do is free up a little time by cancelling the one thing that’s on the calendar for themselves. In the end, everyone suffers, especially the children we mistakenly believe our selflessness will benefit.

Why does eliminating self-care backfire? Because if we are exhausted, or worse, falling apart at the seams, we don’t have the bandwidth or resilience to be the intentional, positive parents we want to be.

Trust me on this: I learned the hard way.

I was the Mom who was always available and present for my kids. I managed to put them first all of the time -- at the expense of myself and, at times, my marriage.  After my divorce, I was drowning and could barely keep my own head above water, much less my kids’. But wouldn’t you know it, in a moment of sanity, I realized they were more than capable of treading water – even swimming!

I eventually saw I was doing my children a grave disservice by always sacrificing my needs to attend to theirs - even their perceived needs. So I pulled back on being there 24/7/365 – and amped up teaching them how to navigate and negotiate life’s challenges. As a result, we were all able to recover, and even thrive, through and after the divorce.

Don’t believe it’s possible to carve out “me time”?  Here are a few suggestions for parents of kids of all ages.

Toddlers. Create an activity bag with enough toys and puzzles to keep little ones occupied for 10 minutes. It gives them the opportunity to have some righteous “alone time” right outside the open bathroom or bedroom door while you have a shower or do 10 minutes of mindful meditation.

School-aged. Go to your room after dinner for 20 minutes and relax while the kids clear the table and load the dishwasher. (Promise me you won’t redo it, even if they waste precious space!)

Teens.  Older kids need autonomy. Go out for a run, take a yoga class or grab coffee with a friend. By this age, your teens know your boundaries – and the consequences if they cross them.

QUESTION #2 – Why do my kids fight all the time?

What parent likes being a referee when their kids fight over seemingly inane matters? None I know. But far too often, parents become arbitrators because they think it’s what good parents do.

Bow out now. It’s not your job to be judge and jury over every sibling squabble. (Caveat: if an older child is striking a younger one or safety is at risk in any way, get involved.)

A sibling spat may not be Instagram or Facebook worthy, but it’s a fact of life for every family. Skirmishes among siblings – over having the best toys, a parent’s favor or yadda-yadda – is a natural sibling dynamic that’s actually developmentally appropriate.

If you’re one of those parents who can tune it out while your kids work it out, consider yourself lucky. But for some of us, that level of disruption and disquiet is uncomfortable at best and unnerving at worst.

What to do? My MO was to give my kids one “Knock it off!” in hopes they’d do just that. When they didn’t, the rule in our house was that they each went into separate rooms until they were able to co-exist.

Kids naturally want to draw us into understanding why they did what they did to their brother or blame their sister. But resolving the issue is not your job; it’s theirs. Kids want you to label one the victim and the other the villain. As long as you continue to do that, the frequency of squabbling only escalates.

How long must they be apart before the time out is over, you ask?  As long as it takes. I always tell my clients that a “time out” isn’t about time, per se. It’s about “out.” How long “out” lasts depends on our kids’ willingness to peacefully co-exist.

QUESTION #3 – Why won’t my husband get with the program?

Let’s start with the positive.

According to a Pew Research Center report on American fathers, generally speaking they are more ”with the program” than not.

In another Pew report on the division of labor in households with two working parents, things appear generally, if not exactly, equitable. 

Then there are the outliers.

I often hear from women – like the one who asked this question – who say they do everything related to child care and domestic duties; their partners are simply not engaged. When talking about a male and female partnership, it’s safe to say the sexes function differently. In my experience, unengaged Dads fall into several categories:

1.    They want to be the “fun” dad, leaving everything else to Mom.

2.    They want to engage, but struggle to participate.

3.    They engage, but feel as if their efforts aren’t appreciated or aren’t good enough.

4.    They don’t want to do the work of family life, but are willing to pay for outside help (housecleaners, nannies, etc.).

5.    They don’t want to engage and they don’t care how it makes their partner feel.

With the first three categories, the opportunity for success is great. If your partner is a #4 and you’re okay with such an arrangement, then a happy home life can be yours as well. A #5 partner is a situation beyond the limits of my coaching expertise – so definitely engage a therapist (or divorce lawyer).

Certainly, as women, we need to hold our partners accountable – not by keeping a tally of infractions and blowing up when we can’t take it anymore – but by speaking up in the moment and objectively communicating how we feel without judging or blaming. If you’re unable to communicate effectively – or if you can yet your partner still doesn’t understand -- then by all means bring in a third party like a therapist or parenting coach to help.

Here’s the hugely important thing, women with partners like #3 must do: Let their efforts be good enough.

Perhaps the dishwasher doesn’t get loaded exactly as you would like or no one in the family has matching socks when he does laundry or your daughter’s luscious locks look gnarly no matter how many styling lessons you’ve proffered.

Let it go, let it go, let it go.

Conversely, if there’s something you absolutely positively need to be done a certain way, then take it off your partner’s list and swap it for something you don’t care about. What’s important is that the two of you are more or less equally engaged in making sure the kids are safe, healthy and (relatively) happy. The rest pales in comparison.

QUESTION #4 – Why is my kid lying on the floor instead of doing his homework?

Great question. Why is your kid lying on the floor instead of doing his homework?

In this particular situation, school had just started. Her otherwise compliant 9-year-old son refused to answer the list of questions his teacher had posed to all her students in an attempt to get to know them. Instead, he flopped down on the floor, flapping about, refusing to do the work.

And Mom? She mimicked his flapping to prove to him how ridiculous he looked.

It hardly made the boy want to jump up and get to work.

My response to any child who is avoiding responsibility is to engage with her or him to get to the crux of the resistance. After all, a child who feels confident and competent about her abilities isn’t going to avoid an opportunity to let her teacher know just how smart she is.

So what exactly was going on? I coached my client through the following scenarios:

•      Was her son having a difficult transition from summertime to school?

•      Is he over scheduled?

•      Does he need a snack and some downtime after school before hitting the books?

•      Was he overwhelmed by the sheer number of questions in the assignment?

•      Did he know the answers, but was embarrassed by his handwriting?

•      Was his behavior part of a pattern of avoidance?

•      Could there be a learning disability?

•      What about an emotional block?

After careful analysis, my client realized her son was dealing with an execution issue. After a summer off, he was simply overwhelmed by the task of sitting down to write out all of the responses. Mom agreed to be his scribe so he could answer fulsomely without having to face the onerous task of writing. In this case, it was a great solution. The teacher was trying to get a sense of her new students, it wasn’t a handwriting exercise. And as it turned out, the boy was happy to to share his thoughts when he wasn’t constrained by the writing. 

As parents, our most important job is to pay the right kind of attention to our kids so we can understand what makes them tick – and to see where they need extra sensitivity and empathy.

My take away from my clients this week is that all parents would be well served if we regularly shared our parenting trials and tribulations with each other.  So much of what parents go through – especially the tough times – aren’t unique.  Finding out you are not alone eases the burden considerably, alleviates anxiety and offers you multiple ways to deal with challenging moments.  So let’s keep sharing.

There you have it. 1 week. 4 questions. 4 answers. Now I’d love to hear about your concerns!

Ask a parenting question. 

“Dear Stress, Let’s Break up!”

That’s how I began the presentation I gave at the EPWNG (Exclusive Professional Women’s Networking Group) annual luncheon that featured four presentations on the topic, “Unstress for Success: Tools for Shifting Stress into Power.”  

Think about it: Who among us wouldn’t like to break up with stress once and for all? Certainly nobody – and for sure no parent – I know.

But given what a pipe dream that is, I quickly followed up my opening line with the reality:“Stress is Here to Stay.” 

But don’t despair. In my view, stress often results from good intentions. Here’s what I told my audience:

So, if stress is here to stay…what tools can we parents use to manage the inevitable and be more successful and happy in our lives?  I’ve got four such tools I’d like to share with you. Here they are:

De-Stress Tool #1 – Make choices to avoid stressful situations.

There is a certain amount of what I call “optional” stress in everyone’s life. In these situations, we have the opportunity to be thoughtful about the decisions we’re making.

I can tell you first-hand that volunteering to give a presentation at a professional meeting definitely qualifies as “optional” stress! Clearly, I could have completely avoided the angst of preparing for and delivering the presentation at EPWNG, but obviously I believed the benefits of doing so far outweighed the stress it caused. (p.s. It totally did!)

I often help parents see how they usher optional stress into their lives with open arms. The classic example, of course, is bringing young children to a nice restaurant.

Granted, the $$ you save on babysitting by bringing your child to your neighborhood’s newest farm-to-table spot virtually covers the cost of at least one fabulously prepared meal. But it’s a Faustian bargain at best. Eliminate such unnecessary stress by not putting young children in environments where they can’t possibly perform well. Sadly, there’s no guarantee your toddler won’t have a meltdown in a family-friendly restaurant, but you’re much more likely to garner empathy from co-diners versus the death stares you’ll likely get in a 5-star establishment.

Parents can also eliminate a good measure of weekday morning stress by differentiating decision-making and execution from time of departure. By making decisions – what you’ll pack for lunch; what you and the kids will wear in the morning; confirming everything that needs to go in the backpack or briefcase in advance – then executing those tasks each evening, you’ll eliminate morning stress for you and your kids. As you well know, they don’t like starting their day with yelling anymore than you do!

De-Stress Tool #2 – Acknowledge when you’re in a stressful situation.

Traffic jams.

Performance reviews.

A sick child.

Travel.

Public speaking. :) 

Who among us has ever had a day go precisely as planned?  No one. That’s why before I dig in to help clients unpack a stressful situation and plan how to deal with it, I make sure they vent – and I acknowledge – the stress that is happening in their lives.

Just as important as not denying our stress?  Not adding guilt to the mix. This, sadly, seems to be a super power we women have. Men? Not so much.

De-Stress Tool #3 – Don’t own anyone else’s stress.

Kids are master stress dumpers, given their exaggerated sense of urgency and their lack of perspective about what is and is not your responsibility. Frankly, it’s not always up to us to solve their problems – as much as they may want us to!  Our job is to teach our children the same de-stressing tools we’re trying to implement. Here’s how I put it in my talk: 

Secondhand stress just doesn’t come from our kids, of course. Co-workers, bosses, family and friends can all be instigators, intentionally or not. While our instinct may be to intervene or rescue, let’s all vow to consciously remind ourselves that someone else’s bad planning is their emergency, not mine.

De-Stress Tool #4 – Use stress to motivate change.

Once we recognize and acknowledge stress, we begin to see what an amazing opportunity we have to control what we can control – and that’s our own reaction to stressful situations.

I remember early on when my ex-husband would bring his girlfriend to kids or family events, I let their presence contaminate my experience. But after realizing that if I were to feel 100% of the joy I wanted to feel at my child’s graduation or piano recital, it was up to me to find a way to manage my reaction. Once I did, those experiences were better for all of us.

Stress can also function as a positive motivator, such as when we take on a challenging work assignment. Or when we work with a therapist or support group to learn how to better regulate our emotions and reactivity.

The more we practice these four tools to de-stress, the more effective we will be at handling the inevitable stressed faced by humans around the globe.

I’d like to end this post with a final positive reminder…