What's Next? Planning a COVID-19 Summer

Just as parents the world over were coming to grips with the reality that school would be virtual for the rest of the academic year, a new unknown loomed: What will summer look like in the midst of a worldwide pandemic?

This much we can assume -- it will not be summer as usual.

The sad fact is the virus isn’t going away. The science on whether or not summertime heat will “quiet” the virus is inconclusive at best. Even the once-promising impact of antibody testing isn’t a guarantee that we will be safe from reinfection or from infecting others. Nor can we predict what local or state restrictions will be. In short - we’re not going to get a green-light reprieve from the confines and challenges of the current situation.

So now what?

First, remember you’re not alone. Every parent and family is facing the same uncertainties and worries about how to maintain family health and unity throughout the summer in these unprecedented times. The not-so-good news is that no one delivers a one-size-fits-all solution that will make the questions of what to do this summer fall neatly into place. Each family’s plan needs to be individualized to fit your unique circumstances and needs.

What I offer is a template for what to be thinking about so you will be better equipped to create a new version of summer this year.

1.     Take a deep breath. I know I am not alone in craving normalcy. Take a moment to digest the additional potential losses for yourself and your children. Camp, summer travel, summer jobs, etc. Each new loss can compound feelings of despair and heighten anxiety. Acknowledge this reality, but don’t allow it to keep your from the next steps.

2. Don’t wait to start strategizing. Don’t put your head in the sand in hopes that a cure or vaccine will make your what-if planning unnecessary. Compared to our old lives, the world could remain shut down -- including social distancing and stay-at-home orders -- for a couple more weeks or months. Make it a priority to think through various what-if scenarios with your partner, co-parent and/or family and close friends.

3.     Assess your financial situation. If both parents are lucky enough to still have jobs, will one of you need to take a leave from work if your risk tolerance precludes sending kids to childcare or if summer camps don’t open? If you are a single working parent and don’t have the option of not working, what, if any, sources of outside income or support can you call upon?

4.     Assess your risk tolerance. What are your feelings about being part of the first wave of workers returning to an office setting? If either or both parents are called back to work in an office setting, are you willing to take the risk of possible exposure to the virus or do you need to negotiate with your boss about continuing to work remotely?

As far as kids are concerned, are you comfortable sending children to childcare centers, camps or park districts this summer?

5.     If you’re divorced, talk with your co-parent. Managing children between two households can be tough in normal times. Be sure to have a frank conversation about your respective needs and obligations over the summer with your co-parent. Utilize a mediator if necessary.

6.     Contact your daycare centers and summer-camps.

The CDC has already issued guidelines for daycare centers. If your particular daycare center closed now but is reopening this summer, ask hard questions about their cleaning regimens and other plans to keep children safe. If they don’t have one this far into the crisis, consider investigating other providers.

If you’ve already registered your kids for summer camps, call and find out if they are strategizing options for families such as Camp-in-a-Box or other virtual experiences. Some camps may open depending on geography, so find out if they are instituting precautions such as limiting the number of children per group.

Parents of teens scheduled to work as camp counselors this summer also need to consider their tolerance for risk, as well as what to do if your teen gets the virus.

Many summer camps (local or sleep-away) are awaiting final CDC guidelines. Be sure to sign up for weekly CDC updates via newsletter.

7.     Look to your tribe. It’s virtually impossible to maintain the existing scenario of being a full-time caregiver and maintain a full-time career. Since every family is going to need help, what is your tolerance for widening your quarantine circle? Can you bring parents, siblings or other close relatives into your orbit to help? What about neighborhood resources? Can parents help homebound teens on your block create a safe local version of “summer camp”?

As the pandemic has unfolded, I’ve spoken with many parents -- of both single and multiple children -- who are immensely concerned about the negative impact of ongoing social isolation on their kids. I hear the concerns -- and empathize completely. But children truly are resilient -- as long as parents remain engaged with them throughout this ordeal.

Expose them to what’s happening in the world and take advantage of the many teaching opportunities the pandemic offers. Provide lessons in empathy and community engagement by helping them sew masks to distribute or send thank-you cards to essential workers or isolated seniors. Help them gain essential skills like cooking, proper housecleaning and planting a garden. Engage their bodies and guard their mental health by building lots of physical activity and movement into their days (and yours!). Above all, be there when they need to vent or cry or express their feelings about their seemingly dashed end-of-school and summer plans. Be compassionate about the losses they are experiencing even as you practice gratitude for good health, resources, etc.

As absolutely tough as this is -- on every one of us -- I firmly believe families can and will recover. COVID-19 is offering an unsolicited master-class in resilience. Now is the time to start to think about what’s next for yourself and your family.

The Unexpected Blessings of Sheltering at Home

One blessing…A family’s way of honoring each other at a weekly award ceremony!

People worldwide are experiencing a multitude of stressors due to the raging COVID-19 pandemic. For moms and dads in particular, the challenges of trying to simultaneously be full-time parents and, often, full-time employees, have brought many a competent adult to the breaking point.

But then, out of the blue and often just when it is needed most, a friend reaches out with a word of support…a brother makes a daily effort to connect with his sister…an unexpected gift appears on a doorstep…or a child intuitively offers Mommy a huge hug.

These are just a few of the gifts parents are discovering as we inch our families forward -- moment by moment, day by day -- through the single most momentous global happening in a century.

As stated so eloquently in a recent Esalen Institute newsletter:

“No other moment in recent history has brought the world together on one singular path quite like the COVID-19 pandemic…reminding us that this juncture is allowing us to strengthen our connection with ourselves and each other even more. By doing so, we have the capacity to expand our human potential in ways we may have never imagined.”

In my work as a parenting coach and through my philanthropic service, I’ve been hearing about the many unintended gifts of this time -- and the inherent beauty of the directive to “shelter” at home. For what else ought our homes be for our children and are families if not a shelter and sanctuary from an invisible enemy?

And when could it be more important than right now, when our compliance can quite plainly mean the difference between life and death?

Here is just a sampling of the ‘gifts’ I’ve been hearing about:

·      Being able to FaceTime one’s parents every day

·      Dropping off a box of presents and singing “Happy Birthday” to a 5-year-old (from a safe distance!)

·      Beginning a tradition of weekly family meetings

·      The privilege of having jobs we can perform remotely, providing incomes to care for our families

·      A 12-year-old’s suggestion that her family create handmade COVID-19 awards for one another and bestow them weekly in a ceremony complete with a podium and Olympic music; her mother’s prized award to date is the ‘Best at Admitting You Were Wrong’ Award!

·      One mother of two hadn’t realized just how much she missed her busy 3rd grader until schools closed; she is now savoring this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend more time with both her girls

·      A profusion of craft-making and game-playing

·      “Found time” with college-aged kids who know they are safe and wanted back at home

·      Families becoming “communities” committed to fully participating in all the chores required to make a house a home

·      Zoom or other video-enabled gatherings to continue celebrating birthdays and other important occasions -- and simply to reconnect with friends with whom we’ve lost touch in the busyness of life before the pandemic

·      Family pets that offer unconditional love 24/7 -- and a reason to get much-needed exercise

·      Being mindful of what brings us meaning rather than simply checking items off a to-do list

A final thought:  Globally, there are many, many parents less privileged by race, geography and systemic inequities who are unable to provide for their children’s most basic needs or shield them from the effects of the coronavirus and the impact of lost livelihoods. If you are able, consider giving of your resources to organizations helping families in need both in your local communities and worldwide.

COVID-19, Quarantine and Divorce

I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to deal with the stress of life and divorce on hold and self-quarantine with someone you no longer wish to be married to. Here are my best tips:

So you were in the midst of divorce or separation and then COVID-19 happened and now you find yourself quarantined with a spouse you don’t want to be with... what now?

As a parent coach, I want to focus my advice on those of you with children in the house.

Whether they are toddlers or college age kids who have been forced home, you must show them your best selves right now.  As a divorce survivor myself, I feel your pain. At whatever place you were in your separation or divorce proceedings, you had made the decision to end your marriage and now that is on hold.... along with the rest of your life. This situation is challenging for all and can seem untenable for those of you suffering in your marriage.

But, your children have to come first here.

They look to us for the answers and we don’t have many for them right now. They don’t know when they are returning to school, when they can see their grandparents, or when they can go back to the park. What you CAN (and should) do is practice effective co-parenting. If and when you are able to separate/divorce you will have to navigate co-parenting so it’s a good opportunity to practice. Stop focusing on you vs. me and start focusing on us vs. COVID-19.

Once you survive this crisis you can get back to figuring out your next steps.

While you are stuck inside together I do not recommend trying to negotiate the parenting plans for the future. Navigating issues around custody, visitation and vacation schedules is not optimal right now as it’s hard to take a break when things feel contentious. Instead work together to take care of yourselves, the kids, your work responsibilities and the house.

Check out my ten tips for parents. These are particularly relevant for you as you have the added stress of your in flux situation.

1.) Manage your own anxiety. Get the support you need so you don’t escalate fear for your children.

2.) Stay informed. The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. In addition, stay on top of communication from your children’s school, pediatrician, tutors, etc.

3.) Focus on what you CAN control. It’s important for our children to still feel like they are empowered. Involve older kids in setting up hand washing stations in the house; create a checklist to wipe down handles, light switches and knobs regularly and assign the tasks.

4.) Make a plan. Structure is important for kids and they like being able to anticipate what is happening next. Post your daily schedule and use colors and pictures for little ones. Be mindful of work demands for yourself and your partner as you plan the day. NO parent can be effective if they do not have an opportunity for self-care.

5.) Be prepared to PIVOT. You may need to revisit the plan as the situation changes. Be flexible.

6.) Have family meetings. A weekly forum (or more frequent if necessary) to check in with each other will help manage the stress of all of this together time.

7.) Dedicate private space. Everyone should have a special place in your home that is just his/hers. It can be a fort in the corner of the living room, but privacy is important.

8.) Don’t isolate emotionally or psychologically. Stay connected to your extended family, friends and community. We are all in this together. Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp) to check in and ‘see’ each other.

9.) Share your best ideas. Post a great pantry staple recipe. Share a fun family game.

10.) Do something for someone else. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

You can read the full article here: Coronavirus, Self-Quarentine and Divorce

6 Parental Concerns and Answers for Coping with Covid-19

Days have turned into weeks since the social distancing and stay-at-home directives to stem the spread of Covid-19 were first announced. And it’s safe to say that weeks may turn into months.

As hard as this is for everyone, the current conditions have a particular impact on families and children. 

As we hunker down in social isolation, some of us are starting to crack under the strain. In my parenting coach practice, a number of parents have admitted to struggling more than they anticipated. Here are some of the most common complaints -- and my advice for how to cope.

“I am not cut out to be a full-time teacher.” 

I get it. So don’t try. But there are a few things you can do:

·      Take full advantage of whatever distance learning support is provided by the school

·      Create a kid-friendly environment in your home that is conducive to learning

·      Let your children know you are proud of their efforts

·      Remind yourself that whatever you’re doing to support your child’s learning is good enough.

“My teenage son/daughter keeps pushing to see their friends.”

Sorry, this is a hard NO. The one thing each of us can do to help stop this pandemic is social distancing. Expert after expert says it is the only way to curb the spread, and we have a collective responsibility to do our part. Be empathic and acknowledge how hard it is for your teens to be separated from their all-important friends, but do not allow them to socialize with their friends except virtually.

“How do I balance MY work responsibilities with the needs of my kids?”

This is a real challenge for working parents.  Managing your workload and being accountable to your boss, colleagues and clients while being a full-time parent, chef and teacher is overwhelming. Here, too, you just have to do the best you can. This is a global crisis and many people are navigating the same issues. Here are some tips for finding a balance:

·      If you haven’t already done so, talk to your manager about which projects take priority.

·      Sit down with your partner and strategize how to insure you both have some protected ‘quiet time’ for the most urgent work-related issues.

·      Stash a few special toys/crafts in the closet. When you need some uninterrupted time pull one out to distract your kids.

·      Use screen time wisely. Rather than watching the show together, use the screen time to get your work done and then play games together.

·      Create a sign that says “Mom/Dad at work” or “Do Not Disturb” but only use it when you absolutely have to.  You want to train your kids to respect the sign so don’t put it up unless you are on an important business call and truly can’t be interrupted.

“It is hard having my college age kids back in the house.”

Some kids were home for spring break and couldn’t go back to school. Others were kicked off campus as the virus spread. Still others were sent home from study-abroad programs. Whatever the reason, there are a lot of college age kids sheltering in place with their parents. And it is stressful for both parties. So you need to have a family meeting ASAP. Here’s how I recommend structuring it:

·      These are young adults and they need to be part of the problem solving

·      Discuss the issues together and work to create a plan

·      Revisit the plan and adjust as necessary

·      Respect that your kids have been managing on their own so to be back under your roof is hard for them

“When will this end?”

We don’t know how long this will be the reality for families and we need to be honest with our kids about that. What we do know is what we must do today to keep our kids and ourselves safe. Don’t make promises about tomorrow or next week. The situation is too fluid and you don’t want to set your children up for disappointment.

“It seems like there’s no time to take care of myself after tending to everyone else’s needs!”

It is critical that parents not isolate emotionally even as we sequester in our own homes. So what can we do to stay emotionally strong and healthy?

·      Remember that you’re not alone; we’re all in this together

·      Stay connected to your tribe -- including extended family, friends and communities

·      Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp, etc.) to virtually check in and ‘see’ each other

·      Find a moment to do something for someone else. Being able to recognize that we can still help others can allow us to feel gratitude. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

The upending of life as we knew it impacts all of us. Since children are the least equipped to process and deal with it, they need the reassurance and steadfastness of their parents more than ever. Above all, take the long view and recognize that we are all working to survive and doing the best we can.

If you have a unique question or concern you’d like to discuss, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.

The Dos and Don'ts of Helping Your College Grad

Calling all helicopter (and other) parents of soon-to-be college grads!

Wondering if it is acceptable to lend a job-search hand to your kids? There’s great news on that front according to placement pros – if we rein in our exuberance and let their kids do the heavy lifting.

I like the simplicity of Dos and Don’ts. Ever the optimist, let’s start with the DOs.

DO…be supportive. It takes courage for anyone to pit their skills, smarts and savvy against other qualified candidates – no matter how welcoming the job market. Parents can offer reassurance that our kids are on the right path or provide a tweak in their approach, and that may be all that some college grads want or need.

 DO… encourage your college senior to take every advantage of their college placement office. These pros offer resources to help students launch a successful job search, including resume writing, job fairs and help preparing for interviews. In addition, they can help grads tap into alumni networks. And they’re part of what all those hard-earned tuition dollars fund, so students ought not miss the opportunity to get their money’s worth! If available and affordable, working with a career coach can help them align their strengths and their professional desires.

DO…leverage your network of relevant friends and business associates. Help the college grads in your orbit learn more about available careers and tap into the hidden job market through informational interviews. Not only do such meetings help prospective graduates learn about the day-to-day reality of particular careers, they also provide opportunities to practice talking about their capabilities in a professional setting.

To close friends of the family, you can probably send a group email to share that your child is soon to graduate and to be prepared for a reach out, which of course they are free to decline. I have served in this role for a number of my friends’ children and have enjoyed every encounter and helped make valuable connections.

To business and professional colleagues, I’d err on the side of individual emails asking if they’d be open to hearing from your child who just graduated from [name of university] with a degree in [blank]. Be sure to offer a wide berth for them to bow out if the timing isn’t right or if they’d simply rather not. If they do agree, only then would I send a second email with a cyber introduction to your grad.

DO…offer your grad these fundamental tips about informational interviews:

·      Arrive promptly and dress professionally

·      Use a notepad to keep track of your questions and take notes

·      Keep mobile phones off and out of sight

·      Ask both broad (How did your career get started?) and specific and relevant questions (What is the profile a the person most recently hired at my level?)

·      Inquire about internship opportunities

·      Don’t leave without asking to be connected to another professional (or two) to interview

·      Be responsible for ending the meeting on time

·      Follow up promptly with a written thank-you note if possible

DO…recommend a pre-career lesson in financial literacy. Have them spend a session or two with a financial adviser (some do it gratis in hopes of future business) so they can learn what salary they’ll need to earn in order to meet the demands of their soon-to-be-adult life. Many parents entirely fund their children’s college careers, making our kids entirely clueless just how much it costs to house, feed, clothe, entertain and build a nest egg for oneself. Becoming financially literate about budgeting and how to take advantage of 401k plans are lessons well learned.

DO…remind them that social media is not just about having fun! And while it may seem obvious, it doesn’t hurt to remind our grads to leverage social media platforms for professional networking like LinkedIn, Meetup and Jobcase. In addition, its helpful to remind them that their social media presence is available to potential employers and they should be thoughtful of how they could be perceived based on what they post.

Now, what shouldn’t parents do?

DON’T...do anything your graduate could and should do for themselves. In other words, don’t write their resume or cover letters; set up appointments, research (or accompany them to) job fairs, asking interviewers for questions in advance or attempting to sit in on interviews. These may sound like absurd acts, but placement professionals say parents have tried to control the process in just these ways.

DON’T… attach your grad’s resume or boast about their achievements and aspirations when you contact your network. Relaying pertinent information is strictly your kid’s responsibility. As is diligently preparing themselves for these interviews.

DON’T… steer your kids into a personally admired or known-to-be-lucrative career. We all want our children to have a fulfilling and rewarding professional life. That’s a given. But when you try to cajole your grad into a career of your choosing, you not only undermine their confidence in their capabilities and desires…you’ll more than likely put them on a path that will require them to retrace their steps once the inevitable dissatisfaction sets in.

DON’T…continue to support them without forethought and communication. If you want to provide financial support for your burgeoning careerists – especially if your kid’s dream job doesn’t pay enough to support them fully – consider several forms of in-kind contributions.

Perhaps you could let them live at home (with agreed upon rules and ongoing communication). You might also agree to keep them on your health insurance until age 26. Or offer the use of an extra family car. If you choose to provide direct financial assistance, set expectations for when the money train will stop or clarify the kinds of expenses you are willing to cover. After all, isn’t helping our children grow into competent, capable and confident adults the end-result we’ve all been working toward?