8 Steps for Teaching Resilience

Think back through the past week and call to mind all the setbacks, curveballs and challenges you had to navigate. (Pause).

I’ll bet you fashioned quite a list. Chances are, you found (or are working on) a workaround for each one. That’s resilience. It’s a learned skill parents need to teach kids…a lesson best taught (and practiced) early and often.

As much as we may want to shield our children from life’s disappointments, they will face inevitable setbacks at every stage of development:

·      A toddler playmate breaks a favorite toy

·      Mommies and daddies go off to work leaving little ones in the care of relatives or babysitters

·      The long-anticipated first day of school disappoints

·      A treasured family pet dies

·      A ‘tween bestie suddenly prefers other friends

·      The starting position on the baseball team goes to a classmate

·      A teen is bullied online

·      A high school senior receives rejection letters from every one of her top choices

·      New college grads have trouble find a job that fits

No matter what form the problem takes, children often look to parents to make the problem and its pain go away. As they should. Yet as every parent knows, we too feel the pain of our child’s rejection, hurt feelings, grief or loss of hope. So how do we help our children manage setbacks and effectively manage change – and deal with our feelings as well?

It begins with recognizing that while we may have suffered a narcissistic injury that we’ll need to address, our first responsibility is to attend to the needs of our kids.

Here’s an example. Let’s say your uber-talented son didn’t make the cut at the performing arts high school that’s part of an established pipeline to his top-choice prestigious music school, while a less capable (in your mind) student was accepted. Your teen, who has long labored evenings and weekends practicing his horn and composing new music, is understandably devastated that his hoped-for academic path is now off-course. There’s a decent chance he’s pissed off, too.      

Were you to magnify his ire by railing against the injustice and trashing the admissions office, it may feel as if you’re being empathic because you’re reflecting your kid’s feelings. Think again. Rather than helping your son manage the situation, you’re actually escalating it. While he may feel momentarily justified and “supported” by you, relief of this sort is extremely short-lived. Worse, he won’t have learned one positive thing about how to successfully manage his feelings or chart a new path forward.

Teaching children resilience is a two-fer, enabling parents to help their kids develop a sense of self-efficacy in dealing with setbacks, as well as helping parents free their kids to differentiate from them – a critical developmental activity.

 Here are 8 steps (which will not happen in one conversation) for doing just that:

1.    Listen to what your children have to say about the setback – in as much detail as they want to share (and don’t be shy about prompting).

2.    Invite them to describe how they feel about it – and express empathy for their pain or unease.

3.    Ask them if they have any ideas for managing the situation (naturally, young children may need some strategizing help).

4.    Let them know you support their efforts. Ask them what they think they might need from you to move through their feelings and find a workable solution.

5.    Make sure they know you have confidence in them, and that you trust they will reconcile the situation.

6.    If they choose to figure out and/or execute a fix-it plan without your aid, don’t keep asking them how it’s going.

7.    Reiterate that learning how to fail is just as important as learning how to succeed (actually, it’s even more important!). Kids need to understand that the only real failure is not learning from our mistakes. It’s helpful to share examples of how you’ve bounced back from failure.

8.    Take time to process how you feel about your kids’ setback AWAY from them. You may be heartbroken, disappointed, frustrated, scared, etc., but you must process those emotions independently or with the help of another adult. This way you can be present for your child and not contaminate the situation with your issues.

A deeper dive on number eight is in order.

So often parents come to me personally distraught about whatever issue their kid is navigating. We forget that the job of parents is to give our children the dignity to have their own lives and to support them in solving the problems that arise as a result.

Parents need occasional reminders that our children are not extensions of us. When they become tweens, their friends become more important than we are and they start to pull away from us. Often, parents struggle with what they perceive as rejection. But that’s not what’s happening at all. They are simply differentiating from us – a necessary and critical developmental milestone. When we are clear about where we end and our kids begin, we’re better able to accept, tolerate and celebrate their choices, successes and failures as theirs, not ours. 

As it turns out, parenting is a master class that helps parents hone their own resilience when it comes to their kids’ differentiation. 

How To Turn Our 'National Conversation' Into A 'Teachable Moment'

Toss the phrase “national conversation” into the ether these days and it’s abundantly clear you’re referring to the explosion of sexual harassment and sexual assault claims in entertainment, media, politics, and beyond. While the daily reveal of perpetrators has abated somewhat, what hasn’t stopped is the energy driving the conversation, as well as the analyses and proposed remedies by lots of folks.

As a parenting coach and champion of children, however, my interest is singular: How do we turn this national conversation into teachable moments for our kids?

There are several vital issues to establish upfront. First is the understanding that any time there is a power differential between people, the potential for harassment and abuse exists. With children, however, this imbalance is profoundly predatory. Kids simply aren’t skilled discerners about inappropriate adult behavior and they tend to trust the words – and follow the instructions of – adults.  

Second, it’s essential to not assume the binary that it’s always a male predator and female victim. Sexual harassment and abuse is applicable to both boys and girls, no matter where they fall on gender and sexuality spectrums.

Third, the current conversation isn’t about “stranger danger.” Perpetrators of sexual abuse against kids are generally known to their victims; a personal relationship with an abuser may, in fact, make abuse more probable.

While not every adult in authority is creep-worthy, the list of possible predators is, sadly, broad. It include parents, stepparents, older relatives, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, babysitters, adults in religious, community and other family-centered organizations, camp counselors, workers in the home, friends’ parents, older students and members of law enforcement.

No parents can bear to imagine their child might one day be a victim. If you ever find yourself face-to-face with this horror, your foremost job will be to create a supremely safe environment for your child to talk about it without shame or fear. You will need to take time to process your rage and fear, as well as reach out to therapeutic, legal and law enforcement resources. But first, your child will need you in these very particular ways:

·      Stay calm and present.

·      Be an active listener.

·      Ensure he or she feels heard – and believed.

·      Have as many conversations about it as your child wants and initiate them when you sense    there may be more they need to share.

·      Assure them with absolute certainty that you take their experiences seriously and that you are there for them 100% – even if you don’t have all the answers in the moment.

·      Express admiration for the courage to share their story.

·      Above all, let them know you’re going to keep them safe and that you will get them the help they need.

Since it’s almost impossible for most kids not to have heard something about this story, I’d encourage parents to have teachable-moment conversations with your kids (of most ages) that can both shore up previous discussions you’ve likely already had about staying safe, as well as give them an opportunity to share their feelings and ask questions. Here are a few pointers:

Young primary school-agers are likely not aware of the current societal reckoning, but it’s wise to gently and regularly talk to them about the basic rules of safety.

With tweens, I’d address several topics. First, they need to understand unequivocally that their body is private. No one has the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable – even if the touching is innocuous or acceptable by other people’s standards. Encourage them to trust their intuition; if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Another fact your tween needs to understand is that responsible adults – whether strangers or adults known to them – always respect the boundary between themselves and children. Reiterate that responsible adults never look to children for help, or ask them to keep secrets from their parents, or threaten them or their families. Given the viral spread of the news and the #metoo conversation on social media, most teenagers are aware of what’s been going on, have likely talked about it with peers and it may even have been a topic in the classroom. At home, it can be a springboard for conversations that confirm sexual flirtation from adults is never okay, about not blaming the victim and reminding them that if they see something, say something.

Have some sort of safe code with your kids that clearly communicates that they’re in trouble and need an out. For example, if my kids were in a situation they were uncomfortable with and wanted my help or a ride home, they knew they could text me “911” and I’d pick them up immediately.

Most importantly, let your children know that it’s never too late for them to talk to you about something that may have happened in the past. Don’t for a second think it’s an invasion of their privacy if you probe when it’s obvious by your kids’ behavior that something is wrong. Without doubt, if your child has been victimized, it is manifesting in some way.

Our job as parents is to keep our kids safe. We do that most effectively by paying attention to them and their lives and not letting our concerns go unaddressed. We tell our kids all the time to trust their guts when something doesn’t feel right. As parents, let’s do the same.

The Importance of ‘Family Time’ When College Kids Come Home For Break

Last year your junior successfully completed the college selection process I blogged about, survived the college campus visits during senior year and has been happily ensconced in his or her ideal-fit university since September.

Then came Thanksgiving break. Prior to their arrival, you’d imagined leafy walks arm-in-arm with your offspring or, at the very least, looked forward to seeing their shining face across the Thanksgiving table laden with their favorite foods.

What happened? They graced you with their presence for 45 fleeting minutes during the entire four-day weekend! And you had to share that time with the family pet who was greeted with more enthusiasm.

No more, you promised yourself. Come Winter break, that wayward child is going to spend time with the family – and love it!

Doesn’t sound like much fun, does it?

What could be satisfying, though, is a negotiated two-party solution. Your newly independence-loving college freshman agrees to a set amount of family time in exchange for the freedom to catch up with their besties and do everything else that college kids long to do during their month off.

Getting there will take more than a wish and a prayer – but not much more. Here is what I recommend:

Communicate your needs and expectations.

Begin a conversation before Winter Break so everyone fares better between semesters. Naturally, every family is going to have different needs and desires about how much family time is enough. No matter the amount, the tactic is the same: Clearly communicate exactly what it is you and your co-parent want and need from your kids. That’s critical, because they won’t have any idea what we’re expecting if we don’t tell them. For example, I typically ask my home-for-the-holidays kids for one or two family dinners per week, as well as their presence with our extended brood on the actual holidays. Any other family time (and it turns out, there’s plenty) is a bonus.

Articulate the “Why.”

Saying what we want isn’t enough. Parents need to communicate why family time matters. This is a values conversation, and I never miss an opportunity to tie my values into my conversations with my kids. I happen to believe spending time together is one of the best ways to strengthen our family community. So I make sure I remind them of that.

Manage unreasonable expectations.

Rein in on asking for the moon. Once our kids are in college, it’s not appropriate for us to hold them hostage 24/7 when they’re home. When you carefully examine your own expectations of them and make reasonable requests, you model for them how to navigate differences and be respectful others. For example, while my college kids don’t have a nightly curfew, per se, I tell them that when they come home at 3 am it’s disruptive to me. Let them know you understand their needs (to see their friends; lounge in their rooms; paint the town), too.

Acknowledge when they do as you’ve asked.

The power of “Thank you” cannot be overestimated. Don’t take it for granted that you asked your kids for something important to you and they did it! Not only does it make our kids feel appreciated for making the effort, subsequent visits home are much more likely to go better too. 

So, if Thanksgiving wasn’t everything you hoped it would be, make sure you wrap up this all-important conversation sooner rather than later. Once they leave, email me and let me know how it went!

3 Rules for Acing the College Selection Process

If you’re the parents of a high-school junior, right about now your family is gearing up for the trip to crazy town that is the modern college-selection process. Determining the right set of colleges to apply to when senior year rolls around can be harrowing if you follow the crowd and fixate on securing a spot at one of the elite schools that only a teeny-tiny fraction of applicants achieve.

As an alternative, I offer the Dana Hirt Promise: You can help your child navigate (and master) the process with relative ease – and distance yourself from its nuttier aspects – by following three key rules:

Rule #1.  Understand that crafting the perfect resume guarantees nothing…except potentially an overwhelmed, burned out kid.

Rule #2.  Empower your teen to take the reins.

Rule #3.  Make “fit” – not college ranking -- the focus of the selection process.

Bonus Advice: Consider this recommendation you may find surprising.

Rule #1 is self-explanatory – and I implore you to take it to heart. Why? Because much of the time, the college admissions process is an exceedingly subjective and arbitrary one. Idiosyncratic and institution-specific, there’s just no way to game the system. This is not to say that achievement of all kinds in high school is not important. Naturally good grades, club involvement, leadership activities and all the rest are great! They just don’t guarantee acceptance letters. 

Rule #2 is a win-win-win. First, empowering teens to take the reins of the college investigation and selection process gives them the opportunity to work to the limit of their developmental ability on a long-term, multi-faceted endeavor.

The second win is this: The more students have a voice and vote in determining the schools they apply to (and ultimately attend), the better their chance of success. In my personal and professional experience, students who had a true say in their college selection had a higher tolerance for the tough times that inevitably surface during a college career.

Lastly, parents win by keeping your family off the roller-coaster. Your role, strategically, is to help your teen develop a structure for the project and offer guardrails when he veers off course.

Here’s the most important rule of all: Leverage your experience and expertise by helping everyone keep their eyes on the prospective student’s temperament, interest and abilities – the essentials for Rule #3’s all-important idea – “FIT.”

Considering there are approximately 3,000+ 4-year colleges and universities in the United States alone, finding the right schools to apply to is a daunting task.

But not if you and your teen put ‘fit’ at the top of your agenda.

Parents and teens alike need to ignore the plethora of lists that rank a university’s cache and desirability and focus on FIT. Here are the most fundamental and personal criteria:

Personality and interests. Challenge your high schooler to write down the key aspects of their personality and interests. After outlining their temperament, interests, and wants and needs, the things that matter in this category are setting (suburban, rural or city-based); geography (distance / ease of travel home); social scene (love Greek life or hate it?); and culture (religious school, traditional institution, liberal/conservative). Campus visits are hugely instructive when it comes to finding a school that “fits.” I remember my eldest son was on one campus for just 10 minutes before he knew it wasn’t for him. The school he eventually went to? He felt “at home” immediately. Empower kids to trust their instincts and ‘listen’ to how they feel on campus.

Make campus visits more economical by viewing “like” campuses closer to home. For example, a large state university campus looks and feels a lot like all the others (flora and weather aside) – certainly enough alike to give your teen a sense of what to expect. Likewise with a technical college. Better to save your traveling dollars for specialized schools, as well as those your child has a strong interest in.

Academic interests. When kids know what degree they’re after, then the smartest option is to pick the schools with the best academic department in that field that he or she can get into – even if the school’s overall ranking is lower. If your teen is unsure of a major, consider Malcolm Gladwell’s theory of “relative deprivation,” which he describes in his book David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits and the Art of Battling Giants. From a college admissions standpoint, the theory purports that students who end up in the top 10% of a lesser-tier school fare much better than those who end up at the bottom 30% of a top-tier school they just squeaked into.

Money. Finances are always a part of the equation. That’s why I advocate looking far beyond the top 100 schools to the expansive range of options that will better fit your teen – and likely, be more affordable. Ultimately, your teen’s choices of where to apply will come down to the best combination of fit and finances.

A Few Additional Tips

I googled “college selection process” and immediately received about 10 million hits. Who’s got that kind of time? In addition to you and your teen asking a trusted few who’ve been through the process for their preferred resources and favorite websites, here are a few of mine:

·      Given the ratio of students to guidance counselor at public high schools, many parents pop for an independent consultant to aid the search

·      Many parents, myself included, consider College Confidential an invaluable resource. Check out their parents’ forum.

·      Education First’s Explore America website provides a thorough overview of the college visit

·      The Fiske Guide to Colleges is also a must-read resource

And finally, the promised…

Bonus Advice

Consider the value of a gap year. I outline the many benefits of a gap year and how it can be important for a teen’s development in my blog post on HuffPost, but if you’re time-stretched, here are the highlights:

·      It will help your child become more independent, resilient and capable of weathering and thriving during high times and low

·      Most colleges will accept deferrals for a gap year – and will even defer scholarships

·      The benefits of expanding one’s world view are immeasurable

It may be a tad bumpy, but enjoy this ride. Trust me – your nest will be empty before long.

Tips For Keeping Grandparenting The Great Gig That It Is!

The official commemoration of Grandparent’s Day is the Sunday after Labor Day, but most grandparents will tell you that every day is grandparent’s day if you’re lucky enough to be one!

I suspect you’ve heard (or said!) some variant of this: “I know I’m biased, but my granddaughter / grandson is one of the smartest / most creative / most coordinated / most [you-name-it!] child I have ever known.” 

It’s a great job if and when you get it – and everyone benefits from intergenerational relationships. Let me enumerate the benefits first…and then I’ll share a few tips for hanging on to this plum assignment!

Values of GrandParenting

The Job Description Can’t Be Beat.

Hands down, the #1 reason grandparenting is so great is that you get all the fun of being a parent without any of the responsibilities! Revel in your special role as cheerleaders, spoilers, supporters and bestowers of unconditional love.

You Get to Share Your History and Passions

Grandchildren, particularly as they grow up, look to grandparents for their perspectives and advice. So share your values, your family history and what life was like for you at their age.

Share your passions, too. My parents are great art lovers and collectors, and they’ve shared this with my kids both in terms of cultural outings and gifts of art. Of course my kids appreciate the inherent value of the works, but they truly treasure being a part of their grandparents’ legacy.

Even so, it’s not the “stuff” grandparents give; it’s the connection. My mom always sent my kids little things to let them know she was thinking of them. Pinecones she collected on a walk…a random purchase on the street…a funny postcard. My kids loved receiving it all.

The Gifts (of Health) Keep On Giving

Being a grandparent can help older adults stay active, which often translates to better health. There are mental health benefits as well.

One study demonstrates that women who spent one day a week caring for young grandchildren may have a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disorders. Another studied examined the link between quality grand-parenting relationships and depression and found that if the relationship is a high-quality one and support is mutual, both grandparents and grandchildren experience reduced incidence of depression.

You Can Help Out When / If You Want

Many grandparents have the economic freedom to defray education or medical costs for their grandchildren. If you have the means and want to help, it’s a great feeling. And typically there aren’t any negative tax consequences.  My children and I are grateful for the college tuition assistance and also recognize my Dad’s commitment to their education.

When it comes to your time, it’s up to you to set limits based on your energy and availability.

How to Keep the Gig!

Let Parents Rule.

Parents have a major role to play in the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren in that they set the rules and determine the consequences for the moral and ethical education of their kids.

One grandmother I know has the right approach. She says she always lets her daughter and son-in-law make the parenting rules – and she never shares her opinion on anything except to admire it. “I might not always agree with them, but my opinions are not on the table. The kids are their responsibilities to raise and our responsibility to love.”

Adopt the Right Tone.

Don’t be judgmental. Your grandkids will experiment with tons of things that may be foreign to you. Unless your grandkids are into something dangerous, keep your opinions to yourself. Respect and honor their choices about food, hairstyles, clothing, etc. Unsolicited advice or commentary is often heard as criticism and may be alienating.

p.s. Don’t be hurt by the occasional sassy comment. Kids can be insensitive, but it’s often age-appropriate and not intended to be rude or disrespectful.

Learn to Use Technology.

If grandparents want to have full access to their grandkids, they have to get proficient with the technology their grandchildren are using. My kids never listen to voicemails, so my Mom knows that if she wants to get in touch, she needs to text them. And while Facebook may be the preferred social media for baby boomers, their teen and tween grandkids are much more apt to use Instagram or Snapchat.

Stay Involved.

Don’t always wait for an invite. Offer to help by taking the kids out for an afternoon if you’re local or for a visit if you’re long-distance. Other ways to stay involved is to gift parents with a cleaning service or a spa afternoon. Remember how overwhelming it was for you as new parents and do something you might have appreciated.

But don’t keep score on who is contacting whom. If you want to stay engaged with your grandchildren, reach out to them.

Make Your Home Welcoming

A kid-friendly home makes visiting much less stressful for everyone. Make a quick sweep around the house to remove breakables and irreplaceables. If possible, borrow, rent or buy things like strollers, pack-n-plays, high chairs and even bikes so your kids don’t have to schlep them. And stock some fun toys and children’s books.

What if there aren’t any grandparents in the picture, either by death or lack of interest?   

Building a tribe is always the best solution – even when grandparents are in the picture. One friend of mine, who regularly volunteered at a senior center, unofficially 'adopted' grandparents for her kids.

If you’re the type that would like a more detailed primer on how to be the perfect grandmother or grandfather, check out the American Grandparents Association for resources, tips and other perks.

Either way, enjoy the best job in the world!