What's Love Got to do With It? (Parenting, That Is)

Every year as Valentine’s Day nears, the consumerist clamor escalates. Advertisers try, yet again, to sell us on the notion that flowers, candy and jewelry is what love is all about. If you’ve been in a relationship that’s lasted beyond the falling-in-love stage, you know that’s not the case.

Thinking about Valentine’s Day brings to my mind another essential kind of love: the unconditional love parents have for our children.

The phrase, unconditional love is self-defining. It is, simply, love without conditions.

As important as it is for parents to love unconditionally, it’s probably more essential that our kids feel and have the lived experience of our unconditional love and regard for them. For healthy development, kids need to believe that no matter what they do, their parents love them just as they are -- foibles, irritating habits, differences of opinion, special needs and all.

That doesn’t mean we ought to accept everything our children do -- and it certainly doesn’t imply that we love their inappropriate behavior. Unconditional love isn’t constraint-free love. It’s loving without expecting anything in return. Even when out children behave badly. Even when they scream, “I hate you!” Even when they’re struggling with the limits you’ve set for them. One can hate the behavior but still love the kid.

Not surprisingly, children often experience the setting of boundaries, such as consequences for disrespectful behavior and accountability for their actions (or inaction when action was called for), as proof that we don’t love them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Calling out and setting limits on unacceptable behavior is part and parcel of being a parent. Actually, it’s a considerable part of the job.

How we do that job is key.

As parents, we need to constantly reassure our kids that we love them no matter what. I remember many challenging moments when my kids were teenagers. But even when I was sharing my displeasure at a behavior, or stating consequences for some infraction, I always made a point of articulating and affirming my love.

I’d spell it out quite clearly, actually. I’d say something like, “I know you’re angry at me and don’t like the rules, but the reason they exist is because they’re in keeping with our family values. As your parent, it’s my job to issue consequences when you ignore them. But know this: I love you regardless of how you feel about me right now. In fact, no one loves you more than your dad and I. No one is a bigger fan of yours than we are. No one.”

As parents, let’s constantly express our love for our kids, even in the face of their anger -- or ours. Remember, children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching how we regulate ours. So when your kid says, “I hate you” the worse thing a parent can do is to react in kind.

In fact, when kids say, “You don’t love me” or “I hate you” when we’ve set a limit or enforced a rule, they’re actually trying to make sure we do love them! So let them know that their behavior isn’t going to change the love you have for them, but that there are certain things -- that they well know -- that you're not going to tolerate.

Yes, as parents, we will lose our cool. It’s inevitable because effective parenting can be extremely taxing. When you do lose your temper, approach it as an opportunity not just to amend your behavior, but to rearticulate your love for your kids. Here’s an example: A mom, pressed for time, was making lunch for her 6-year-old, the very same lunch the girl had claimed as her “favorite” several days earlier. As the mom was finishing up, the girl started complaining about the menu. In response, her mother yelled, “Fine!” and threw everything in the garbage.

Immediately the daughter was apologetic, as was Mom, who swept in to repair the rift. But she made sure her daughter understood that she was not apologizing for “being” angry…but for how she expressed it. In their exchange, Mom reinforced the message that there’s nothing wrong with having feelings; we just need to learn healthy ways to express them.

During this year of elevated stress and forced togetherness, pandemic family life has probably gone off the rails once or twice (or a hundred times!) in many of our homes. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many parents casting themselves as “bad parents” because they’ve lost their temper or been angry with their kids. Actually, being angry with one’s kids without withdrawing your love is what helps kids internalize that they are, indeed, loved without conditions.

That’s the best gift we can give our kids. It’s also the answer to the question, “what’s love got to do with it?”

Here’s to a Happy Valentine’s Day -- every day of the year!

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

As I developed my coaching practice, the approach that worked best for most clients was interventive. Parents came to me with a specific concern, and I advised them on ways they might respond that were in keeping with their stated parenting values. The majority of the problems presented were issues I had dealt with many times over -- either in my own parenting or as an educational therapist and consultant. In that sense, I coached from a 10,000-foot view.

Then in March, “go-to-mom-and-parenting coach” met “global pandemic.” Parents, myself included, were in uncharted waters and the waves were sky high. The need for safe harbor grew, and I responded 

Yet as the weeks of the pandemic dragged on with no end in sight -- and equally seismic racial and political issues rocked the U.S. -- I received a lot of call, from clients, colleagues and friends.

I picked up the phone whenever it buzzed. Every parent I knew was shell-shocked, adjusting work and childcare roles to survive in a locked-down world, and scrambling for answers and support. Contrary to the advice I gave my clients, I began to slowly abandon self-care. Forget filling the gas tank; even the fumes ran out. Eventually it was unsustainable -- and I needed to address it.

As the first year of the pandemic drew to a close, I reflected on what I’ve learned (in most cases, re-learned!). I’m sharing the most salient takeaways in my first post of the new year. My guess is I’m not the only parent in need a refresher as we continue to face down the pandemic in 2021. 

No one is immune to parenting problems -- not even parenting coaches.

When the pandemic hit, I was thrust into a world exactly like the ones my clients faced. I, too, had to create a family plan to address the risks of the coronavirus, which was rumored to be both highly contagious and deadly. My personal situation was eerily similar to clients with college-aged kids who had to decide if it were safe to send them back to school come Fall. My middle daughter, a newly minted grad and I had to negotiate what the coronavirus rules would be when she moved home to take a job nearby. And like another subset of parents, it was up to me to figure out how to support elderly and/or out-of-state family members with ongoing health issues, when contact with and travel to them were deemed unsafe.

I was humbled. All parents, myself included, were struggling with not having answers to the tidal wave of questions we had. We were all forced to make decisions in the face of a tsunami of information that was changing by the day. Nothing was predictable, and no amount of research made it less so.

The situation was antithetical to how I had always made parenting decisions and practiced my work. Down I came from that 10,000-foot perch. I was 100% “in it” with every parent with whom I worked.

Being so humbled -- and feeling afresh the vulnerability of parenting -- was a gift. For me, the visceral identification with my clients’ states-of-mind was a type of grace that rallied my best self as I tuned in to them in my practice. For clients, seeing me wrestle with the same decisions they were facing, humanized me. They were comforted when I reiterated again and again that we were all doing the best we could in the moment. Off I came from any perceived pedestal I might have been on. And in the process we all served our children, who were witnessing first-hand just how much of life is impossible to know, predict or plan for.

Even if you’re isolating…don’t isolate!

I had a high rate of anxiety about catching COVID-19 (still do). From the start I planned to isolate, even if it flew in the face of how others were comporting themselves. It was the right decision for me, but it had consequences.

First, it meant I would no longer rely on outside help as I had pre-pandemic. Overnight, my at-home workload increased substantially.

Isolation also took away the myriad social and personal interactions I was accustomed to and enriched by in daily life. By relying on contact-less delivery, I effectively eliminated visits with the many people who lived and worked in my neighborhood. Business meetings, with their introductory chit-chat and welcoming hugs, were replaced by Zoom calls where people preferred to simply get down to business. I didn’t see my partner for months, because he was in contact with his 90-year-old father who was at high risk so we created separate pods.

Historically I’d been no ace at articulating or getting my needs met, but in the face of COVID-19, I contracted further. I reached out less. Didn’t make calls. An invitation from a friend to go for a walk -- even masked and socially distanced -- was inconceivable. I simply said No.

Eventually, my loneliness forced me to reckon with the difference between isolating from the virus and isolating from people. I gathered people I could rely on into a virtual cohort. I ratcheted up my communication with a group of high school best friends -- long on a group text chain-- because they felt like family and I found the increased contact comforting.

These days, when I get an invitation I’m not comfortable with, I know to say “I would like time with you…I just don’t know how to do it safely. Can we figure that out together?”

Self-care reduces stress -- and it’s time-expanding to boot!

I once gave a talk about dealing with stress to a professional women’s group. Back then I handled most everything with the confidence that I would successfully navigate life’s inevitable pitfalls -- or pivot when the need arose.

Then came COVID.

Because it descended like a shroud on top of the tensions of modern family life, pandemic stress felt aggressive, wanton and out of control. Every parent I knew had to completely overhaul family life in an atmosphere of utter fear.

As a coach, I effectively help clients deal with their stress, but I was trying to manage my own solo. Since I was busier, I cut back on exercise. Because of that, I was not sleeping well. Before long, the self-care items on my calendar began to feel more like onerous to-dos rather than the affirming, time-expanding practices I knew them to be.

The addition of two major life changes -- returning to school for another credential and selling the home where I raised my children -- complicated matters exponentially. Because they were time-sensitive, I had to take them both on. Even in normal times they would have added stress to my life. But dealing with them during COVID forced my hand.

My body and my emotions let me know things were out of sync and I resolved to act. I checked in with a therapist to get grounded. I started attending a bi-weekly Zoom meditation group with some women friends. I upped my physical activity. I started keeping a gratitude journal. I signed up for a Whole30 group to start the new year focused on healthy eating with a supportive cohort.

Life is a mystery.

I never imagined a global public health capacity of this nature could happen in my lifetime. Or even in my children’s lifetime. Yet its existence, while exceedingly frightful and difficult at times, has also underscored the immense role families play in society, as well as the resilience which we are all capable of - parents and children alike. The challenges we have all faced, and continue to face, will shape and define us. I for one, want to learn from this experience and emerge a better version of myself. I also want to afford myself the grace and compassion I so readily offer others as I navigate these uncharted waters.

10 Reasons 2020 Will be a Year to Remember

Let’s acknowledge the astounding realities of 2020 up front.

We spent months and months (and months!) washing hands, social distancing and wearing masks. We learned Zoom and other video platforms so we could collaborate at work and stay connected to friends and family. Our kids were yanked from every vestige of normalcy they’d known, from friends to school to camps, experiencing a steady stream of frustration and loss in the process. Most of us tried our best not to hoard toilet paper.  

And yet still, across the globe, COVID-19 is raging at levels not seen to date.

The final blow? This holiday season and the lack of ability to be with family and friends has been devastating for so many of us striving to keep our loved ones and ourselves safe.

A friend of mine sums of COVID fatigue like this: “Over the last nine months, every time I’ve been invited to do something, I’ve had to discern whether or not it’s ‘safe’ to do so. From now on, no matter how awesome the invitation, my answer is No. I simply cannot have that conversation with myself one more time!”

Her sentiments echo the rest of ours. We’re exhausted by the strain of it all. Bereft by the still-growing death toll. Beyond worried about the impact on our children. Too many have become economically destitute, without a social safety net to soften the blow of lost jobs and other economic impacts.

Despite all the adversity adjacent to the pandemic, there have been some familial upsides, and we have learned a lot (some more positive than others) about ourselves, our families and the larger world.

Here’s my top 10:

1.    It’s not just kids who are resilient -- parents are resilient! From the start, parents made a monumental effort to stay apprised of the tsunami of information concerning the coronavirus, and we pivoted family life to adapt to its demands for safety. Oh, and we refashioned our homes into schoolhouses and work sites to boot.

2.    Parents and partners got a close-up-and-personal, day-to-day look at the tremendous load of the emotional and household labor mothers bear -- often to the detriment of their careers. Some couples addressed those inequities.

3.    During the initial months of the lockdown, families had the unprecedented opportunity to spend an outsized amount of private, quality bonding time together.

4.    The murder of George Floyd in particular prefaced a cross-cultural, cross-racial uprising against systemic racism and its impact on socio-economic access and success. Black Lives Matters has escalated its mission unabatedly; it’s unclear how the majority (and governments) plan to contribute to righting these centuries-old wrongs.

5.    We learned how critical having a tribe is; how important they are to our family’s emotional well-being and physical safety.

6.    The enforced absence of elders, as well as friends and family most at risk for coronavirus, reawakened us to the immense value families and friends have in our lives. As soon as it’s safe, I plan to visit everyone!

7.    Families got extremely creative once the weather warmed up -- reimaging every conceivable summer tradition -- from family vacations to summer camps to everyday play dates and sleepovers.

8.    We got infinitely more tech-savvy -- whether we wanted to or not. Some of us even learned how to drive an RV (present company included!)

9.    Parents and parental figures helped children weather the unending string of disappointments that the pandemic has wrought -- and taught them resilience in the process.

10. Then, just this month, the announcement of three promising and efficacious vaccines give us reason for hope and optimism. Seeing videos of the first vaccines being administered this week was incredible. An end-date for the pandemic is in sight -- albeit at a minimum 6-12 months down the road.

As we bring 2020 to its much anticipated close, let’s each pledge to take all we’ve learned and use it to propel us forward into the new year. When you consider all that has transpired and how we’ve survived and, in some cases, thrived, I’m confident that families the world over will make it through.

Best wishes for the holidays - stay safe.

Why Pandemic Self-Care for Parents is Paramount

Take a minute to take a few deep breaths.

If that short pause is all the time you have for self-care today, I get it. But I’ll bet you wish you had time for more.

It’s been an extraordinarily rough seven-plus months of the pandemic, punctuated by the supremely stressful back-to-school season. One mom, whose kids who are at school “in person,” told me feels that she’s a better parent now that her kids are gone during the day.

That’s telling. The majority of parents have been burning the candle from both ends. Unfortunately, that block of wax is down to the quick and you’re running on fumes, hoping you can “power through” yet another week of remote work, remote schooling and all the rest that’s on your plate.

This way of life is simply unsustainable. Especially since experts are telling us there’s no way to reliably predict an end date for when life will go back to “normal.” That’s why parents need to bolster our immune systems and strengthen our resilience in whatever ways we can -- every day if possible -- so that everyone in our families can emerge from this unique period with our health and our sense of purpose intact.

The key is parental self-care -- and I’ve long been a proponent of it. Years ago when I started this blog, it was with a two-parter on the topic. But those pre-pandemic days were easier for parents by comparison.

Please know this: I am not trying to add to your to-do list. Self-care during the pandemic is not about learning a new language or taking up the ukulele. It’s about ameliorating the universal problem of parental burnout given the burden parents are facing.  Self-care will enable you to better manage all of the challenges you are facing. To that end, here are some suggestions for retooling your approach to self-care in several arenas.

Physical and Emotional Health.  Tending to our physical and emotional well-being has never been more important. See if you can incorporate just one idea -- or an idea of your own -- this coming week.

Physical health

·      Exercise as often as you can, outside when possible; if you’re super pressed for time, try breaking exercise into smaller, more doable chunks. When on non-video calls I am now standing rather than sitting.

·      Adhere to regular bedtimes / wakeups for everyone. At the very least, have everyone in their bedrooms and winding down at set times

·      Use these meal-prep time-savers to “make” time for exercising

o   Plan a week’s worth of healthy meals each weekend so you’re only thinking about meal prep, including making grocery lists and shopping, once a week versus every day

o   Make a double batch of a favorite recipe and do meal exchanges within your pod

o   Use part of your unused entertainment budget to get as-healthful-as-possible carryout -- especially on the busiest days

o   Give older kids responsibility for fixing meals either alone or with siblings at least one night/week; this both takes something off your plate and lets your kids learn a new skill

Emotional health

·      Journaling, meditation, and yoga are all great tools for emotional health; if these aren’t for you, find other centering activities you like

·      Leverage the availability and flexibility of online support groups

·      Acknowledge and share how you’re feeling with an empathic friend; if you’re anxious or sad, say so; don’t be afraid to ask for what you need

·      Arrange a tele-health appointment with a parenting coach or therapist if you feel the need; sometimes a check-in is all you need to feel OK about how you’re doing

Give your marriage / partnership the attention it needs.  Given how much forced togetherness you and your partner have had lately, this may seem antithetical. But here’s why focusing on our partnerships is critical:

·      Your kids are paying extremely close attention to how you’re treating one another and working together now that the stakes are raised 

·      As partners, we need more compassion from one another; use this opportunity for self-compassion and to express more compassion to your partner

·      Amp up your communication about the additional demands on your lives and make sure the home / work / home-schooling duties (and stress) are shared

·      Establish screen-free times for you and your partner when your relationship can take center stage

Fortify (or create) your pod. A pandemic is not the time to parent in isolation. If you feel extremely risk-averse about COVID-19 (and I can relate), create a pandemic pod with people who are taking the same COVID precautions you are.

·      Given the duration of the pandemic, it’s vital for kids and adults alike to socialize within a safe circle of like-minded folks

·      Consider using your trusted tribe to help manage distance learning: if you and your pod mates are dual-working parents, perhaps share the expense of hiring a teacher’s aid to help the kids in a blended classroom, or consider sharing among you the role of “teacher’s aid” so everyone can get a free morning or afternoon.

Pat yourself on the back!  We’re nearly eight months into a global pandemic with a deadly and novel virus that scientists are still learning about -- not to mention all the political and cultural upheaval -- and you and your family have survived!

·      Acknowledge and celebrate your resilience…and even the tiniest of victories

·      Be especially mindful of your self-talk and dial down any self-criticism; keep your internal chatter positive and compassionate

·      Don’t up the ante on expectations of yourself or your partner; everyone is doing their best to survive these trying times and may not always be playing their “A” game

Banish guilt and comparison parenting.  Sadly, the pandemic offers multiple opportunities for parents to feel we’re falling short. But know this: every parent is struggling. There’s not a parent out there who feels comfortable with the vast array of decisions they’ve been forced to make during the pandemic, often with inadequate information to support them.

·      The premise of my practice has always been to reassure clients that the right thing for their family is always what they think is the right decision; so figure out what’s right for you and do the best you can

·      Continue to make decisions based on your parenting values.

·      Let go of outcomes; if your decisions and actions were made in good faith, accept what comes, even (especially!) when things don’t turn out as you hoped

·      Remind yourself regularly that our kids will come out of the pandemic intact as long as they know they are safe and loved and that we have their backs

·      Refuse to parent-shame yourself or others

·      Reduce your consumption of social media sites that paint a rosy picture of pandemic parenting -- especially now at the start of a new, largely at-home school year.

Find things to be grateful for.  When your life feels turned completely upside down, finding things to be grateful for can seem futile. But the benefits of gratitude are plentiful and they’re backed by research. Given the impact of the pandemic, what have you got to lose by trying?

Students Report on 'K-12 During COVID'

This summer, my coaching calls with parents torn about sending their kids to college campuses were predictably interspersed with calls from K-12 parents concerned about what the upcoming school year would be like for their children.

Managing work, school and family life during a pandemic has proven to be an incredibly difficult challenge for parents of K-12ers. Kids, on the other hand, have mostly proven to be pretty resilient. Over the last seven months, the realities and the constraints of the pandemic have sunk in, and they learned to make the best of a tough situation -- with one major caveat. Most are feeling the fundamental absence of social-emotional engagement with their friends, and even with other students, teachers and staff (who doesn’t remember a favorite janitor, security guard or beloved crossing guard?). As a comprehensive article on the impacts of distance learning makes clear, “Many things that happen in schools simply cannot happen at a distance.”

Four weeks into the 2020/2021 school year, I decided to modify my most recent post about how college students are adapting and turn the focus on K-12 students.

But first, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to K-12 teachers, most of whom devoted their summers to a crash course in remote technology and pedagogy, ensuring that their students’ classroom experience this Fall would not be as haphazard and fraught as it was last Spring.

Now, let’s hear from our K-12 learners.

Kindergarteners -- Private Elementary Schools, Chicago, IL and Haverford, PA (Kindergarteners are so cute, I had to include two!)

Our first tyke, a super social boy, really struggled last Spring with the lack of structure after his school closed. He terribly missed learning new things and being with his friends. Thrilled to be in kindergarten, Mom says he’s been bounding into the building every day! (So sweet.)

Interestingly, COVID protocols have been virtually invisible to this young boy. He talks about having to wash his hands a lot, but without any negative affect. Same with masks. While wearing a mask all day was tough day one, it’s become so normalized Mom says he simply grabs it when leaving the house for any reason. To him, it’s just what you do in kindergarten! Yet another sign of the resiliency and adaptability of children.

I was really pleased to hear that his teachers use clear masks when doing letter and sound recognition -- anything phonics related -- so kids can see the teachers’ mouths move and match those movements with the sounds they’re hearing. What a simple yet supremely effective adaptation.

Mom has been incredibly impressed with how the school managed and communicated their reopening and operational plans. Everyone acknowledges the risks with in-person classes, but staff and parents alike feel the kids are safe and secure. One ingenious idea the school has employed to mitigate risk is to teach the kindergarteners an adapted sign language they can use to communicate during lunch when they aren’t wearing masks.

When I asked our Haverford, PA kindergartener, an energetic and happy soul, what school was like, I got an enthusiastic, “It’s fun!”  As it should be.

Her mom echoed the appreciation for the school’s approach to safety. While the pre-pandemic kindergarten class size was 18, this Fall they capped enrollment at 12 while still retaining the same amount of staff; three teachers and one aide. Before kids get out of the car, they get a temperature check. As long as the weather is palatable, all teaching and activities take place outdoors, with everyone wearing masks and staying six feet apart. There is a sink outside for regular hand washing and kids sit on parent-supplied yoga mats on the cricket field (it’s a lab school on a college campus). When the weather is inclement, the children are split between the upstairs and downstairs rooms of the schoolhouse so that social-distancing protocols can be maintained.

My favorite creative idea from this school was that while the teachers are always masked, each wears an apron that sports a full-sized picture of their unmasked face! Nice touch.

When I try to imagine what it must be like to be 5 or 6 and have to wear a mask all day and not be able to hug and be close to your friends, it sounds difficult. But this little girl just rolls with the punches. She was more interested in telling me “what I love best is that I made new friends” and all about “T, B and F” -- the letters she’s learned so far this year! Aside from the fact that she “misses her big sister” who goes to school at home, there’s nothing about school she doesn’t like. Except this: “Actually, I don’t like it when my friends fall down and get hurt.”

3rd Grader - Public Elementary School, Evanston/Skokie, IL

This cheerful 3rd grader’s most treasured pre-pandemic school memory is that she got to celebrate her birthday last March with her classmates “in person” -- just days before the pandemic forced schools to abruptly go remote. Her recollection of the rest of 2nd grade is a series of ever-changing deadlines for returning to school and technologically unprepared teachers -- a rough situation that she “just dealt with.”  

Her magnet public elementary school outfitted each of her classmates with a Chromebook laptop that she uses to access both Zoom (for academic subjects) and Google Classroom (for activities like PE, art, drama and library). With her feet now firmly planted in 3rd grade, she feels “super lucky with the teachers that I got” and is basically enjoying school -- “especially library, because I love books!”

When asked what she likes most and least about distance learning, she said so far she likes that there is less homework, although the prospect of difficult math challenges like division and multiplication loom. Her least fave? “Too many meetings in Google Classroom! You only get 40 minutes to eat lunch -- and you have to do workbook pages then, too. There’s just not enough break time.”

Afterschool activities are pretty much what they would have been pre-COVID, including dance, Spanish and religious school, but now they’re all completely online. Smartly, she and a dance-class pal are making the most of the pleasant Fall weather by bringing an iPad outside and participating in the class together, masked and socially distanced of course!

Teacher and student engagement seems to be on par with pre-pandemic times, although it’s no surprise this young student misses hanging out with her friends during recess, at lunch, and before and after school. FaceTime with friends has had to suffice for the most part, although she does get to play, COVID-safe, with her best friend and her cousin. Mom and Dad, both educators who work remotely and within earshot of their daughter’s classroom, says distance learning has given them both the chance to observe their daughter’s teacher up close. As Mom notes, “I’m impressed with her classroom management and with the surprising amount of 1:1 engagement with students,” given the digital format.

This bright and affable 3rd grader was quick to note several upsides of going to school from home: being able to watch TV during breaks…being responsible for getting her own snacks…having more time to practice drawing (she does an impressive hand!)…and learning a lot about technology. “I even taught my friends how to do a screen shot!”

When asked to give distance learning a thumbs up or thumbs down, she wisely opted for sideways: “I’m taking school seriously, but it doesn’t actually feel real. I have to say I’m not thrilled, but I’m making the best of it.”

7th Grade Twins -- Private Elementary School, Berkeley, CA

If going into 7th grade isn’t hard enough, imagine doing it at home -- with your twin! That’s the case for these 7th grade fraternal twins whose private junior high school is 100% online. Not surprisingly, the downside to learning at home is the lack of privacy and independence they would have had if school were in session. But on the upside, the house is big enough that they can “go to school” far enough apart that it mitigates any potential problems with digital feedback and personal distraction. And it helps to have a sibling around when there’s a technical glitch!

From an academic perspective, things are going pretty well for both 7th graders. One in particular said she “really likes having my own time to do my work.” While both kids feel students have about the same amount of material and homework as they did last year, I was impressed that they recognize that distance learning requires a lot more work for teachers -- and they definitely noticed the improvement in their teachers’ facility with the technology versus last Spring.

Two of their favorite and most engaging online classes are art and humanities. “It helps that we can share our drawings and writings online” with classmates. Physical Education? Not so much. “PE is so much harder online. Not everyone has the same resources at home -- and the teacher doesn’t seem to have mastered the technology.”

Perhaps because it’s a small school and it’s harder for students to get lost in the shuffle, they feel teachers “are doing a good job of keeping kids engaged.” Teachers aren’t requiring that every student have their video on during class. While most students do, some do not.

Socially, however, the twins feel isolated and “miss going to school and seeing our friends.” This is developmentally right on for this age group. To compensate, they’ve created a social bubble with another friend - and being able to “hang out in person really helps.” As do virtual “hangouts” on Google. But nothing can substitute for the sense of independence 7th graders get to practice and enjoy when school is in session.

These two are particularly fortunate that their private school offers rich exploratory options for extra-curricular engagement, with classes like GPS globetrotting and comic book art. Non-school activities include baseball and horseback riding, both fun exercise options, and they’re finding remote piano and guitar lessons work surprisingly well on line.

Overall, these two are pretty happy “but regular school is better!” Recently they had their school pictures taken outside in a park across the street from the school; having that experience “was nice and felt somewhat normal.”

Sadly, it could be awhile before “normal” is back.

Freshman, Public High School, Chicago, IL

Freshman year is completely online for this high school newcomer. All classes are conducted on a digital video platform, but once teachers present the content and homework is assigned, they typically allow kids to do work the remainder of the period and check in as needed.

While teachers are having real expectations of students this Fall, in this freshman’s experience, interaction with them “is pretty minimal.” Students are free to email teachers and can ask questions during class, of course. But without the informal connections before and after class, “it feels harder to get to know them and for them to know and see me.” For this over-achieving young teen, that’s a tough spot to be in.

Academically, math seems to transfer online most successfully, “but probably because it’s less discussion-based -- and I have a great teacher.” AP Human Geography, on the other hand, isn’t going as well because the massive amount of information presented on a flat screen makes it harder for him to stay focused.

“The best thing about remote learning is the freedom to choose when you do something,” he says. “I can use the time after the teacher presents to reach out to a friend in the same class to discuss something, do work for that class or another, take a snack break or check in with my teacher and ask a question.”

But as distance learning gives…it also takes away.

“The worst thing is the inability to freely interact with one another. Exchanging contact information with classmates is challenging because we’re not allowed to post our phone numbers. We can email, but that’s not really the way my generation connects.” Plus, as a freshman in a new school, the digital format makes it hard to assess people when “you only see them as a 1” x1” face on a Zoom call -- and that’s if they have their video on.”

The one bright spot socially for this freshman is lunch period, which provides a touchstone…a chance to call a friend and connect more personally. “It would be nice to have more opportunities for connecting with other freshmen -- like Google Chat assignments.”

This particular high school wasn’t great about advertising afterschool clubs either. A virtual club fair was held, but it was sparse because many club presidents who were asked to create videos… didn’t. He has basically joined clubs he learned about through friends who are upper classmen. At this school, social engagement relies heavily on a freshman’s initiative and confidence -- which can be a lot to ask, developmentally.

Note to teachers: schools would do well to provide activities that create chances for more normative social interactions for kids other than email.

Senior, Private high school, New York, NY

This senior transferred to a new private school for his senior year and is “really motivated to do well this trimester because I want to get into a good college.” He says he definitely finds it more challenging to engage with teachers remotely, but he’s “making a concerted effort and showing the right attitude.”

Most of his Zoom classes are live, although some are pre-recorded, which students can watch on their own timetable. He particularly likes learning from home because he can go to school from anywhere. In fact, when I interviewed him he was in California for a week living with a family friend and studying from there.

The downside of distance learning, he says, is that it can be harder to stay engaged. Overall, he finds “the work has been easier for me because everything is in one place. I’m not moving from class to class and having to track assignments.”

It’s interesting to note that in both “live” and distance learning, it’s the student’s facility with the material and the quality of the teacher that are the strongest predictors of enjoyment and achievement. Unlike the freshman above, this student feels math class translates the worst online, but he admits that may be because it’s his most challenging subject. History class, with lectures, assigned readings, and question-and-answer sessions is going much better.

Surprisingly, even though he’s a transfer student, this senior is connecting to his classmates via social media. Perhaps that reflects his self confidence, developmental readiness or just fewer restraints this private school places on kids posting personal information like cell phone numbers.

When the trimester began, this school’s plan was that students would be learning remotely until November 3, when students will return to school at least part time. As with all plans related to the pandemic, however, expectations are fluid and subject to change depending on infection rates. Fingers crossed all goes according to plan.

So there you have it -- straight from the mouths of the students themselves. Thanks to all of the students who shared their insights with me and you!

5 Students Report on 'College During COVID'

I spent a number of weeks this summer coaching distressed parents who were struggling with the decision of whether or not to send their kids to college as planned pre-pandemic. Given the reports of coronavirus outbreaks at colleges across the country, it’s safe to say those who decided Yes have had more than their share of fear and anxiety.

Every parent has a different story to tell. There is a subset who report feeling relief that their kids are at least having some sort of a college experience, albeit not ‘normal’. On the other end of the spectrum are parents frantically checking social media to ascertain if their children are practicing safe social distancing. And every parent worries about the call that tells us our kids are sick.  

Across the country, campuses are dealing with coronavirus outbreaks in myriad ways. The majority of schools quarantine students who have tested positive in special dorms. In fact, I recommended college students leave home with a packed quarantine bag for that precise reason. In some situations, kids who contract COVID-19 decide (or are instructed by mom and dad!) to come home to quarantine and recuperate with parents near at hand.

Overall, the situation on campus is tentative at best. With colder weather ahead, more students will be forced inside. That, coupled with the risk of COVID fatigue and flu season, has led many to guess that campuses could see an uptick in cases.

But let’s look at the situation from the students’ perspective. Here’s a sampling of what five students from across the country are witnessing, thinking about and feeling about “college during COVID.”

Freshman, University of Iowa Tippie College of Business, Iowa City, IA

This freshman in Iowa says “many kids are acting like everything is normal” -- with the expected consequence that they’re contracting COVID-19. In fact, she’s noticed a number of empty dorm rooms lately, presumably students who are quarantining elsewhere.

To date, she’s kept her pod small and they are careful about social distancing, but other people are “out and about.” Like other students I’ve heard from, this young woman says she is academically thriving despite the fact that one of her two in-person classes has already gone remote for the time being because of COVID exposure.

Socially, the situation on campus is hard, she says. After all, unlike upperclassmen, freshmen simply don’t have previous friendships to rekindle in the new academic year. And “with all the coronavirus precautions come fewer opportunities to meet and connect with fellow students, not to mention tons more isolation and downtime.”

With colder weather on the horizon in Iowa, social distanced hangouts on the quad will force students inside -- which doesn’t bode well.

Freshman, University of Georgia, Athens, GA

This freshman notes that within the dorms, most students are operating as they should be. Masks are required and are being worn. In the bathrooms, students are assigned specific showers and changing stalls. From her perspective, since there is no monitoring of whether students are adhering, the strictures seems more about demonstrating effort on the part of the college versus true accountability.

She notes students are not supposed to go into other dorm buildings or other rooms. Not surprisingly, given the not-fully-developed pre-frontal cortex of 18-year-olds, she admits that she and some of her friends have been sneaking into other girls’ rooms. If they’re caught, they get “written up” by the RA. So far, she says, she was caught but hasn’t received an official citation so is “in the clear.”

As for when students get COVID, they either go into quarantine dorms or check into hotels. She also knows that some students with COVID are simply not reporting it and are isolating in their dorms.

Freshman, Brandeis University, Waltham, MA

“A little strange and a little exciting” is how this freshman describes his first few weeks at Brandeis. Naturally, he enjoys living a more independent lifestyle and the freedom of selecting which courses he wanted to take. What has surprised him is how much faster the coursework is versus high school, but he’s acclimating and enjoying the work.

Unlike at a large number of colleges, three of his four classes are actually in person, and he feels the university has done a great job of optimizing everything for the pandemic. While he appreciates that effort in terms of safety and students and professors are engaged, he admits “it does feel a bit alienating at times, like I’m in my own little bubble.” Oddly, the course that is online is music. Anyone who has been in a Zoom meeting is familiar with the platform’s lack of synchronicity, so it’s a bit of a disappointment for him - but the professor’s efforts and resources make up for it.

Newly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes just a couple weeks before leaving home, he says “this is no doubt the strangest part” of college life. Forced to pay strict attention to when and how he eats, he’s not always able to go to the dining hall when everyone else does and sit at a table and start a conversation with someone -- which is how he was accustomed to meeting people in high school. Even coordinating meals with friends is hard at times.

What’s surprised him the most about college life is “how easily people adapted to the COVID regulations. “Walking around campus,” he says, it looks very similar to how life was at the beginning of the year” -- except, gratefully, everyone is wearing masks and following social distancing guidelines. For a variety of reasons, it took him a bit longer to get comfortable being outside and doing stuff, but once he made the leap, it felt good to do so again.

Junior, University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA

After a cross-country drive from Chicago, this USC junior spent two days settling into his off-campus studio apartment with his girlfriend. When they stopped by the USC Village to grab lunch the day before classes began, essentially everyone they saw was wearing a mask -- but there was hardly anyone around! As he put it, “It felt more like a random day of winter break than the start of the semester.” The tableau was so unlike the thousands of students and families who, pre-pandemic, would have been circulating the plaza.

During the first week of online classes, he found himself pleasantly surprised by how discussion-based his courses were -- even over Zoom. But by the end of week two -- with the addition of online socializing and six hours of “virtual” band practice -- Zoom fatigue was already setting in. As he so aptly describes it, “Something about spending hour after hour sitting and staring at your computer screen sucks the life out of you.” Another reminder that this is “no normal semester?” With USC football inactive, he won’t have the payoff of marching on the field playing his bass drum with the 300-member Trojan Marching Band in front of a sold-out coliseum!

USC is doing random COVID testing of students, and he’s had several tests so far. USC is offering free, unlimited testing for non-symptomatic individuals. Unfortunately, he reports, “cases have been spiking lately. During the week of August 30, the positive percentage rate jumped from 3.6% to 17.5%, with 137 students testing positive.” Interestingly, he notes a Los Angeles Times article that indicated what’s spreading the disease isn’t necessarily large gatherings, but the smaller day-to-day hangouts, with individuals spreading the virus from bubble to bubble. Apparently big parties aren’t the only sort of gathering to be mindful about.

If it weren’t for his internal motivation to get out and exercise, the welcoming warmth of southern California weather and the many outdoor activities available within a short drive of USC, it would be easy to spend all his time in his small studio. Fortunately, he and his girlfriend are going on hikes, biking and playing tennis, enjoying socially distanced meals with friends outside -- and even baking pastries for friends at the drumline house who are running a contactless café. Recent air quality concerns have forced them inside, as if the pandemic wasn’t enough to navigate.

The strange thing about this new normal is that the routine is pretty limited, he says. “All of our essential activities take place over zoom, so unless you go out of your way to do so, you would not have to leave the apartment at all.”

Senior, University of Georgia, Athens, GA  (sibling of UGA freshman above)

Given the public health crisis, the presence or absence of college sports programs varies. According to this senior, Georgia’s student body is very committed to making sure football season continues -- and equally committed to keeping freshmen and sophomores on campus. Students are wearing masks and classes are mostly online. Courses with smaller numbers of students are doing a hybrid style, but she says that for her, multiple approaches make scheduling class times and other activities harder to track.

Early on there was a COVID-19 breakout on campus, she says, but it’s pretty controlled at this point. Georgia tracks coronavirus cases through a self-reporting digital platform called DAWG check. Students, faculty and staff with COVID are asked to be personally accountable and update their symptoms and test results daily. If students report erroneously on the site, they are sent to the Student Honor Board.

Strikingly, two of her 10 roommates have contracted COVID-19 it so far - and it’s barely the end of September. As a house, they made the decision to quarantine until everyone tested negative.

Personally, she says although she has had social plans and some people are going to the bars, there’s a lot more downtime than usual and she admits to feeling lonely at times.

From her vantage point, the University of Georgia “kinda turns a blind eye. I would say it’s the most laid back out of every school I’ve heard about right now, but it’s not the right way to be.”

College Bound Face COVID-19 (Parents, Too!)

Last week, I watched my youngest son, a college junior, drive away from home en route to his off-campus apartment in California. As it happens every time one of my kids leave, a part of me broke. Especially knowing that because of COVID, I won’t be flying out to watch him play his big bass drum during halftime at a football game. And it’s the first time any of the kids have left for college without definitive plans for their next trip home.

As I mourned the loss and struggled with the uncertainty, I reminded myself how grateful I am that my co-parent and I raised three launch-able kids.

Truth be told, a big part of me wished my son would have stayed home and studied online. But he wanted to go back, and he’s proven himself to be a responsible young adult many times over, especially through the pandemic. So as he loaded up the car with his stuff, I supplemented with disinfecting wipes and spray, several boxes of disposable masks, a fully stocked medical kit including a pulse oximeter, an instant-read thermometer and electrolyte tabs -- hoping for the best.

Your student is likely departing soon as well and like the majority of families you’re in the thick of final travel preparations. Yet surprisingly, some campuses are still in flux. 

As of this writing, about a quarter of the nearly 3,000 colleges and universities in the U.S. have not yet decided which educational approach their campus will take: fully online; primarily online; hybrid; primarily in person; fully in person; and “other” (whatever that might mean). Not only is there no national standard, even within large cities, schools are taking varied approaches.

It almost doesn’t matter which pedagogical approach campuses are taking because absolutely nothing will be “normal” about college this year. The near-total loss of a normative college experience -- developing new learning communities, dorm life, study abroad, football season, Greek life, if desired -- is hard on everyone. As parents, we need to manage our own feelings of sadness even as we help our kids manage their expectations.

Considering the high-stakes decision schools are making by welcoming students back to campus, most have exhaustive plans for mitigating contagion on campus, including:

·      Strictly scheduled and time-limited dorm drop-offs

·      Online dorm orientations and at some schools, no roommates

·      No parent-and-family weekends

·      Mask-wearing and social distancing mandates

·      Increased number of remote classes

·      Grab-and-go vs. sit-down cafeterias

·      Big Ten, PAC-12 and other sports (plus bands) off the calendar for Fall

·      Size limits for gatherings

·      Spring study abroad cancelled

·      Regularly coronavirus testing

·      Codified quarantine plans for infected students

·      Severe penalties (suspension and/or expulsion) for those who don’t comply.

Despite the many precautions, every parent is justifiably worried that no matter how careful your kids are, they could contract COVID-19 -- or a campus-wide outbreak could occur. Already a dorm at Colorado College is under quarantine and UNC reported COVID-19 positivity rates at Campus health up from 2.8% to 13.6% in just one week resulting in a complete shift to remote learning for undergraduates.

That’s precisely what parents and students need to plan for. Here’s how:

Flex your parental muscles before they leave. COVID fatigue has set in for a lot of young people. It’s understandable: being vigilant isn’t particularly fun. Our college-bound kids need to understand that they are the sole arbiters of their health and safety on and off campus. That means establishing boundaries with roommates and friends from the start and calling out those who act recklessly. If necessary, they must advocate for themselves by reaching out to administrators or parents for guidance and support.

Have an inviolable communications agreement. No matter how cautious your child is or how much you’ve drilled the importance of safety measures into them, they still may get sick. In some cases, they may be reluctant to tell you. Have an agreement that they will let you know if they start to have any kind of symptoms. They must believe you’re their 9-1-1, no matter what.

HIPPA. Another top priority is to be sure they’ve signed off on the required HIPPA forms so medical providers can legally talk to you if they get sick.

Medical care. Find out in advance what on-campus Health Services are available whether your kid gets COVID or has a chronic condition that increases their risk. Your child needs to know what resources are available. Also, identify a physician/telehealth provider and a hospital near campus. Finally, think through several scenarios whereby near-by relatives or friends may be able to help if your child gets COVID-19 and needs assistance.

Have an exit strategy. If there’s a major outbreak on campus and the school shuts down, they will need an exit plan. This includes knowing what transportation method they will use to get them home or where they’ll stay if they remain.

As parents inevitably learn, no matter how well we plan, nothing is set in stone -- especially now. The best parents can do is be nimble, flexible and ready to pivot as quickly as required. Our children need to be a part of this planning and we need to continue to help them anticipate consequences and think through scenarios.

Pandemic life feels more like a wartime environment than anything I’ve ever experienced as a parent. It’s just that this “enemy” is invisible to the naked eye. All we can do is prepare our kids as best we can, then hope they practice healthy behaviors and adhere to the moral compass we helped them develop.