9 Values-Based 'Parenting Hacks' for 2020

I love hacks. Like most busy parents, I’m on board with anything that helps me manage my time and activities more effectively. I’ve learned lots of tricks and tips to stay organized, cut corners, or save time. But all of those hacks are on the micro-level, so for the New Year, I am sharing my macro-level parenting-hacks to make the job more satisfying and the outcomes more desirable.

Parenting Hack #1 – Anchor every decision in your values

Want to make the thousands of parenting decisions you’ll face easier and more effective? Then be sure to adhere to my #1 parenting hack, which also happens to be the foundation of my coaching practice.

The advantage of said values – covering issues like family rules, discipline, education and communications– is that they become your true north, making your decisions nimbler. Remember, the more firmly established and articulated your values, the harder it is to veer from them – particularly when you have to make a decision that’s liable to disappoint.

Tip for prospective parents: Check out my primer on parenting values to help you establish the values that will govern your particular brand of childrearing.

Parenting Hack #2 –Take the long view

It may seem hyperbolic to infer that taking the long view is a shortcut, but in practice, it’s precisely that.

Parenting is hardly a straight line. Your kids and your family will zig and zag in ways you can’t possibly imagine or predict. That’s why it’s important to keep your eyes on the big picture of what you want for your children and how you plan to get them there – so that you can more serenely navigate the many meandering moments without losing sight of your true north.

Taking the long view requires you increase your tolerance for the deviations and the plentiful curves that define parenting in the modern age. Fortunately, that’s a practice made easier by focusing on “What kind of adult do I want my child to become” versus “What grade do I want them to get on the upcoming test?”

Parenting Hack # 3 – Let. It. Go.

The best way to save untold stress and aggravation is to adjust your expectations – sometimes more than you’d prefer.

One mom I’ve coached has twin toddlers who (rightfully) suck up most every second of her day and absolutely every ounce of her energy, leaving her home in disarray. This former neat freak had to reconcile the primary needs of her tots against her preference for a spotless home. Clearly one thing had to go – and it couldn’t be the toddlers.

Was it disappointing? Of course. But when we own the reality of our particular situation, we can see the wisdom of tossing expectations that while important, aren’t central to what we ultimately want for our families. The upside is that everyone breathes a little easier.

Parenting Hack #4 – Don’t lose sight of your perspective

Your age and experience, not to manage your fully developed frontal lobe, makes you the expert on just about everything your children confront. Losing a girlfriend, getting a C, not making first chair in the orchestra. To a kid, such events can feel devastating. You know it’s not the end of the world.

So maintain your perspective. Of course be empathetic and model resilience so the next disappointment is a tad easier to bear. But don’t get caught up in your kid’s calamitous response. That’s not parenting, that’s enmeshment. Getting into the rabbit hole with our kids is a disservice to everyone.

Parenting Hack #5 – Only fight the good fights

The best advice I ever received was to not attend every fight or argument my kids invited me to. As every parent knows (or learns), when it comes to finding an end-run around a rule or just wearing parents down, kids are relentless.

So ignore the sly attempts to renegotiate your parenting decisions ad nauseum. If your decisions are anchored in your values and you’ve communicated that, arguing is moot. So share your decision (no cell phones at the dinner table), set appropriate limits (lights out at 10 pm) – and call it a day.

Now that’s a true shortcut.

Parenting Hack #6 – Take care of yourself

Some parents believe that the sign of a good parent is round-the-clock attentiveness to their kids’ every want and need.

Crisis situations aside, parents who dote excessively on their kids and ignore their own physical, emotional or spiritual renewal don’t just set themselves up for failure and resentment. They pave the way for the development of narcissistic, self-centered offspring.

That’s why I tell every mom and dad who ask me how to cope with the stress and strain of parenting: “You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.”

That’s not to say self-care is easy to accomplish, especially when children are small. But if you and your co-parent are not taking care of your own needs, your ability to be there for your kids when it counts will suffer.

If you’re stumped where to start, consider these self-care tips I shared in one of my early blog posts.

Parenting Hack #7 – Protect the couple

When kids are little, it is easy to focus all of the attention on them and ignore the spouse. Children are demanding and primary care providers can feel exhausted and ‘touched-out’ (little people have no regard for personal space).

My guidance for all parents is to make protecting the couple a core parenting value. Teaching kids they come first is a mistake. Once your kids are ‘grown and flown’ it’ll be just you and your partner. The goal is to launch the children and maintain your marriage.

Parenting Hack #8 – Build a community

Build a community around your children and you create an efficient circle of caring adults willing to go to bat for all the kids in the tribe, yours included. How might you go about it?

·      Be a member of groups in which your kids are involved

·      Be an advocate and partner at their school

·      Be an active member of your religious and/or community organizations

·      Create a sense of partnership and collaboration with other parents

Although there is ample confusion about the provenance of the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” it’s decidedly true.

Parenting Hack #9 – Love them

A friend recently shared that when she asked her husband how much he loved her, he answered, “More than you’ll ever know.” At first, it seemed to her a sweetly romantic response. But on reflection, she realized how much he loved her shouldn’t be a mystery! She should have no doubt that he loves and respects her by how he talks to and treats her. And vice versa.

It’s the same with our kids.

What children need from parents most of all is love and acceptance. There shouldn’t be any doubt in their minds about that, regardless of their physical appearance, emotional challenges, academic capacity or reprehensible developmental stage. As amazing as our world is, it can also be a critical and rejecting and dismissive place. That’s why parents must verbalize and demonstrate and model for our kids just how dear they are to us.

How to Use the Power of Intention(al Parenting) to Create Meaningful Holidays

Consider the key elements of a “picture perfect” holiday season:

• Low stress

• High satisfaction

• No (or limited) family drama

• Meaningful experiences

• Memorable takeaways

Sounds good, right? Especially when you consider the alternative: a stress-filled, commercially driven, energy-draining slog from now to the end of the year!

I’m a parenting coach (and mother of three), so I never promise perfection…but I know from experience that no matter which holiday(s) you celebrate as you close out 2019, taking an intentional parenting approach to planning for and celebrating these special days can make a marked difference in your family’s experience.

Read on to discover how making just a few mindful adjustments to seven major components of the holiday season can make what is often a high-pressure, lengthy to-do list into a family affair of shared effort and satisfying times. And don’t forget to get everyone engaged. Even little kids can take part by decorating cookies, making menorahs and helping tidy up their toys when company is due.

Gifts.  If gifts are an essential part of the holidays for you and your kids, revel in it. Just be intentional about it.

How? Let’s say one of your children has become interested in fitness and health. Show them that what they values matters to you by getting them a gym membership or new workout clothes. Buy them a new healthy-eating cookbook or a set of weights and resistance bands for the house. Put a new pair of sneakers under the tree. You get the (themed) picture.

Another intentional gift-giving strategy that minimizes parental stress and gets our kids involved is a family-giving circle. In one popular scenario, all the cousins names get thrown in a hat and each cousin is responsible for identifying a gift for their pick within a certain price range. The guessing games about who picked whom, the relief aunts and uncles feel for not having to buy for all and the big reveal when gifts are exchanged can make it fun for everyone.

If you’d like to rein in the amount of gifts you give, consider the 4-gift rule, whereby parents give their offspring four presents total. Something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. For some families, such restraint can be a radical departure from tradition, but if all family members are on board it can be an interesting approach to try – even if just for one year. Feel free to create your own four categories.

Another approach for gifts is bespoke, fancy-speak for hand- or custom-made. If you or your kids have a special talent (or just an adorable palm print), homemade gifts can be among the most meaningful to receive because of the personal effort that went into producing them. Hand print aprons were a hit with grandma in my house! And lots of people can enjoy sweet or savory home-roasted nuts or peppermint bark in a festive tin.

Giving.  Are you a family that leans more toward giving then getting? If so, you’ve probably already staked out a philanthropic intention for your holiday. Take time to share your commitments with your children. The dollar amount isn’t important; rather, it is an opportunity to articulate your values. A second intention could be to make holiday giving a family activity. For example, ask each of your children to adopt a cause that has personal meaning for them and help them come up with some novel ideas for how to make a meaningful contribution. If your kids receive an allowance or have money of their own, offer to match their personal contribution toward the cost of the donation to double their impact. Here are a few ideas:

• Your young animal lover could go to a big-box store and pick up food and toys to drop off at a local pet shelter

• Your bookworm can gather up some treasured books to donate to the local library or a school in need.

• Children of every age can go through their closets for unused or gently used clothes and toys that can be donated to a local center that serves families in need

Traditions.  Holiday traditions cover a wide range of activities, but all of them are focused on one thing: bringing your family together to create meaningful moments your kids will remember their whole lives.

Remember…creating memorable traditions isn’t about what you do – it’s about how intentional you are in making sure they happen – year after year. That’s how you create a family story that endures. There are as many traditions as there are families who have them. Here are a few:

• Read “The Night Before Christmas” on Christmas Eve after everyone is ready for bed.

• Have “breakfast for dinner” on Thanksgiving Eve

• Let your kids take turns lighting the Mishumaa Saba or the Menorah

• Write a love letter to your spouse for New Year’s Day

• Take an annual photo of the kids lined up from oldest to youngest in the same spot

• Celebrate HFCDTTTGSAOCSOTC Day! (Read the post to learn more about it!)  

One of my personal favorites is creating a holiday card that contains a photo of your kids “past’ and “present” in the same pose.

Family Experiences.  Digital gadgets eventually get obsolete (or replaced by newer models) and trendy items can go out of style or out of favor. But a family trip? That’s the kind of gift that keeps on giving!

Opting to create a memorable travel experience is one way to intentionally put the focus on family during the holidays. Not everyone has the means or time to travel, so be sure to weave special family experiences into the fabric of each year’s celebration. Consider an annual mother-son date to see a musical, holiday-themed game nights and a dress-up family portrait.

Or wrap up a family experience “coupon” for the family to enjoy in the new year. Waterpark passes, museum memberships, a downtown hotel stay or an art or cooking class for the family are just a few options to consider.

Food.  We all have favorite dishes we make and eat each year. I encourage you to bring your children into the kitchen.  Share family recipes and get the kids involved. I have so many memories of being in my mother’s kitchen and helping, watching and sampling…long before I discovered my own love of cooking. And don’t be shy about asking family and friends to bring a dish too so the burden isn’t anyone’s to bear alone. Even offering to pick up ice can be a big help for a hostess. Try extending your holiday intentionality to food as well. There’s something about the holidays that compels many of us to over-cook and/or overeat! Keep in mind some tenets of mindful eating as you indulge in the treats of the season.

Going Beyond Your Nuclear Family.  One of the benefits of any holiday – especially those at the end of the year – is that the world slows down, giving us extra time to celebrate with our tribe. As a child, one of my favorite holiday traditions was having a friend over for one of the nights of Hanukkah – then going to her house the night her family trimmed the Christmas tree! I also enjoy baking holiday cookies with friends and everyone goes home with a full tin of different treats.

As you consider how to celebrate with family, be sure to make plans with your besties and their families. There’s a richness there that shouldn’t be missed.

Spirituality.  If you follow a religious or spiritual path, be sure to make your faith tradition an intentional aspect of your family’s holiday experience. That alone makes clear your intention to broaden the meaning of the holidays beyond the commercial. If there’s an ancient narrative associated with it, retell the story aloud at the dinner table and talk about its meaning and why we commemorate it. Or attend religious services as a family.

Being intentional about how we celebrate year-end holidays doesn’t eliminate all the stresses and hard work involved in making holidays a cherished family time. But this I will promise: being intentional will help you prioritize your time and choices and will make the holiday season better!

Happy Holidays – however you celebrate!

p.s.  Please send your tips for having an intentional holiday to danahirtparenting@gmail.com

The Dos and Don'ts of Helping Your College Grad

Calling all helicopter (and other) parents of soon-to-be college grads!

Wondering if it is acceptable to lend a job-search hand to your kids? There’s great news on that front according to placement pros – if we rein in our exuberance and let their kids do the heavy lifting.

I like the simplicity of Dos and Don’ts. Ever the optimist, let’s start with the DOs.

DO…be supportive. It takes courage for anyone to pit their skills, smarts and savvy against other qualified candidates – no matter how welcoming the job market. Parents can offer reassurance that our kids are on the right path or provide a tweak in their approach, and that may be all that some college grads want or need.

 DO… encourage your college senior to take every advantage of their college placement office. These pros offer resources to help students launch a successful job search, including resume writing, job fairs and help preparing for interviews. In addition, they can help grads tap into alumni networks. And they’re part of what all those hard-earned tuition dollars fund, so students ought not miss the opportunity to get their money’s worth! If available and affordable, working with a career coach can help them align their strengths and their professional desires.

DO…leverage your network of relevant friends and business associates. Help the college grads in your orbit learn more about available careers and tap into the hidden job market through informational interviews. Not only do such meetings help prospective graduates learn about the day-to-day reality of particular careers, they also provide opportunities to practice talking about their capabilities in a professional setting.

To close friends of the family, you can probably send a group email to share that your child is soon to graduate and to be prepared for a reach out, which of course they are free to decline. I have served in this role for a number of my friends’ children and have enjoyed every encounter and helped make valuable connections.

To business and professional colleagues, I’d err on the side of individual emails asking if they’d be open to hearing from your child who just graduated from [name of university] with a degree in [blank]. Be sure to offer a wide berth for them to bow out if the timing isn’t right or if they’d simply rather not. If they do agree, only then would I send a second email with a cyber introduction to your grad.

DO…offer your grad these fundamental tips about informational interviews:

·      Arrive promptly and dress professionally

·      Use a notepad to keep track of your questions and take notes

·      Keep mobile phones off and out of sight

·      Ask both broad (How did your career get started?) and specific and relevant questions (What is the profile a the person most recently hired at my level?)

·      Inquire about internship opportunities

·      Don’t leave without asking to be connected to another professional (or two) to interview

·      Be responsible for ending the meeting on time

·      Follow up promptly with a written thank-you note if possible

DO…recommend a pre-career lesson in financial literacy. Have them spend a session or two with a financial adviser (some do it gratis in hopes of future business) so they can learn what salary they’ll need to earn in order to meet the demands of their soon-to-be-adult life. Many parents entirely fund their children’s college careers, making our kids entirely clueless just how much it costs to house, feed, clothe, entertain and build a nest egg for oneself. Becoming financially literate about budgeting and how to take advantage of 401k plans are lessons well learned.

DO…remind them that social media is not just about having fun! And while it may seem obvious, it doesn’t hurt to remind our grads to leverage social media platforms for professional networking like LinkedIn, Meetup and Jobcase. In addition, its helpful to remind them that their social media presence is available to potential employers and they should be thoughtful of how they could be perceived based on what they post.

Now, what shouldn’t parents do?

DON’T...do anything your graduate could and should do for themselves. In other words, don’t write their resume or cover letters; set up appointments, research (or accompany them to) job fairs, asking interviewers for questions in advance or attempting to sit in on interviews. These may sound like absurd acts, but placement professionals say parents have tried to control the process in just these ways.

DON’T… attach your grad’s resume or boast about their achievements and aspirations when you contact your network. Relaying pertinent information is strictly your kid’s responsibility. As is diligently preparing themselves for these interviews.

DON’T… steer your kids into a personally admired or known-to-be-lucrative career. We all want our children to have a fulfilling and rewarding professional life. That’s a given. But when you try to cajole your grad into a career of your choosing, you not only undermine their confidence in their capabilities and desires…you’ll more than likely put them on a path that will require them to retrace their steps once the inevitable dissatisfaction sets in.

DON’T…continue to support them without forethought and communication. If you want to provide financial support for your burgeoning careerists – especially if your kid’s dream job doesn’t pay enough to support them fully – consider several forms of in-kind contributions.

Perhaps you could let them live at home (with agreed upon rules and ongoing communication). You might also agree to keep them on your health insurance until age 26. Or offer the use of an extra family car. If you choose to provide direct financial assistance, set expectations for when the money train will stop or clarify the kinds of expenses you are willing to cover. After all, isn’t helping our children grow into competent, capable and confident adults the end-result we’ve all been working toward?