The Unexpected Blessings of Sheltering at Home

One blessing…A family’s way of honoring each other at a weekly award ceremony!

People worldwide are experiencing a multitude of stressors due to the raging COVID-19 pandemic. For moms and dads in particular, the challenges of trying to simultaneously be full-time parents and, often, full-time employees, have brought many a competent adult to the breaking point.

But then, out of the blue and often just when it is needed most, a friend reaches out with a word of support…a brother makes a daily effort to connect with his sister…an unexpected gift appears on a doorstep…or a child intuitively offers Mommy a huge hug.

These are just a few of the gifts parents are discovering as we inch our families forward -- moment by moment, day by day -- through the single most momentous global happening in a century.

As stated so eloquently in a recent Esalen Institute newsletter:

“No other moment in recent history has brought the world together on one singular path quite like the COVID-19 pandemic…reminding us that this juncture is allowing us to strengthen our connection with ourselves and each other even more. By doing so, we have the capacity to expand our human potential in ways we may have never imagined.”

In my work as a parenting coach and through my philanthropic service, I’ve been hearing about the many unintended gifts of this time -- and the inherent beauty of the directive to “shelter” at home. For what else ought our homes be for our children and are families if not a shelter and sanctuary from an invisible enemy?

And when could it be more important than right now, when our compliance can quite plainly mean the difference between life and death?

Here is just a sampling of the ‘gifts’ I’ve been hearing about:

·      Being able to FaceTime one’s parents every day

·      Dropping off a box of presents and singing “Happy Birthday” to a 5-year-old (from a safe distance!)

·      Beginning a tradition of weekly family meetings

·      The privilege of having jobs we can perform remotely, providing incomes to care for our families

·      A 12-year-old’s suggestion that her family create handmade COVID-19 awards for one another and bestow them weekly in a ceremony complete with a podium and Olympic music; her mother’s prized award to date is the ‘Best at Admitting You Were Wrong’ Award!

·      One mother of two hadn’t realized just how much she missed her busy 3rd grader until schools closed; she is now savoring this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend more time with both her girls

·      A profusion of craft-making and game-playing

·      “Found time” with college-aged kids who know they are safe and wanted back at home

·      Families becoming “communities” committed to fully participating in all the chores required to make a house a home

·      Zoom or other video-enabled gatherings to continue celebrating birthdays and other important occasions -- and simply to reconnect with friends with whom we’ve lost touch in the busyness of life before the pandemic

·      Family pets that offer unconditional love 24/7 -- and a reason to get much-needed exercise

·      Being mindful of what brings us meaning rather than simply checking items off a to-do list

A final thought:  Globally, there are many, many parents less privileged by race, geography and systemic inequities who are unable to provide for their children’s most basic needs or shield them from the effects of the coronavirus and the impact of lost livelihoods. If you are able, consider giving of your resources to organizations helping families in need both in your local communities and worldwide.

COVID-19, Quarantine and Divorce

I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to deal with the stress of life and divorce on hold and self-quarantine with someone you no longer wish to be married to. Here are my best tips:

So you were in the midst of divorce or separation and then COVID-19 happened and now you find yourself quarantined with a spouse you don’t want to be with... what now?

As a parent coach, I want to focus my advice on those of you with children in the house.

Whether they are toddlers or college age kids who have been forced home, you must show them your best selves right now.  As a divorce survivor myself, I feel your pain. At whatever place you were in your separation or divorce proceedings, you had made the decision to end your marriage and now that is on hold.... along with the rest of your life. This situation is challenging for all and can seem untenable for those of you suffering in your marriage.

But, your children have to come first here.

They look to us for the answers and we don’t have many for them right now. They don’t know when they are returning to school, when they can see their grandparents, or when they can go back to the park. What you CAN (and should) do is practice effective co-parenting. If and when you are able to separate/divorce you will have to navigate co-parenting so it’s a good opportunity to practice. Stop focusing on you vs. me and start focusing on us vs. COVID-19.

Once you survive this crisis you can get back to figuring out your next steps.

While you are stuck inside together I do not recommend trying to negotiate the parenting plans for the future. Navigating issues around custody, visitation and vacation schedules is not optimal right now as it’s hard to take a break when things feel contentious. Instead work together to take care of yourselves, the kids, your work responsibilities and the house.

Check out my ten tips for parents. These are particularly relevant for you as you have the added stress of your in flux situation.

1.) Manage your own anxiety. Get the support you need so you don’t escalate fear for your children.

2.) Stay informed. The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. In addition, stay on top of communication from your children’s school, pediatrician, tutors, etc.

3.) Focus on what you CAN control. It’s important for our children to still feel like they are empowered. Involve older kids in setting up hand washing stations in the house; create a checklist to wipe down handles, light switches and knobs regularly and assign the tasks.

4.) Make a plan. Structure is important for kids and they like being able to anticipate what is happening next. Post your daily schedule and use colors and pictures for little ones. Be mindful of work demands for yourself and your partner as you plan the day. NO parent can be effective if they do not have an opportunity for self-care.

5.) Be prepared to PIVOT. You may need to revisit the plan as the situation changes. Be flexible.

6.) Have family meetings. A weekly forum (or more frequent if necessary) to check in with each other will help manage the stress of all of this together time.

7.) Dedicate private space. Everyone should have a special place in your home that is just his/hers. It can be a fort in the corner of the living room, but privacy is important.

8.) Don’t isolate emotionally or psychologically. Stay connected to your extended family, friends and community. We are all in this together. Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp) to check in and ‘see’ each other.

9.) Share your best ideas. Post a great pantry staple recipe. Share a fun family game.

10.) Do something for someone else. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

You can read the full article here: Coronavirus, Self-Quarentine and Divorce

6 Parental Concerns and Answers for Coping with Covid-19

Days have turned into weeks since the social distancing and stay-at-home directives to stem the spread of Covid-19 were first announced. And it’s safe to say that weeks may turn into months.

As hard as this is for everyone, the current conditions have a particular impact on families and children. 

As we hunker down in social isolation, some of us are starting to crack under the strain. In my parenting coach practice, a number of parents have admitted to struggling more than they anticipated. Here are some of the most common complaints -- and my advice for how to cope.

“I am not cut out to be a full-time teacher.” 

I get it. So don’t try. But there are a few things you can do:

·      Take full advantage of whatever distance learning support is provided by the school

·      Create a kid-friendly environment in your home that is conducive to learning

·      Let your children know you are proud of their efforts

·      Remind yourself that whatever you’re doing to support your child’s learning is good enough.

“My teenage son/daughter keeps pushing to see their friends.”

Sorry, this is a hard NO. The one thing each of us can do to help stop this pandemic is social distancing. Expert after expert says it is the only way to curb the spread, and we have a collective responsibility to do our part. Be empathic and acknowledge how hard it is for your teens to be separated from their all-important friends, but do not allow them to socialize with their friends except virtually.

“How do I balance MY work responsibilities with the needs of my kids?”

This is a real challenge for working parents.  Managing your workload and being accountable to your boss, colleagues and clients while being a full-time parent, chef and teacher is overwhelming. Here, too, you just have to do the best you can. This is a global crisis and many people are navigating the same issues. Here are some tips for finding a balance:

·      If you haven’t already done so, talk to your manager about which projects take priority.

·      Sit down with your partner and strategize how to insure you both have some protected ‘quiet time’ for the most urgent work-related issues.

·      Stash a few special toys/crafts in the closet. When you need some uninterrupted time pull one out to distract your kids.

·      Use screen time wisely. Rather than watching the show together, use the screen time to get your work done and then play games together.

·      Create a sign that says “Mom/Dad at work” or “Do Not Disturb” but only use it when you absolutely have to.  You want to train your kids to respect the sign so don’t put it up unless you are on an important business call and truly can’t be interrupted.

“It is hard having my college age kids back in the house.”

Some kids were home for spring break and couldn’t go back to school. Others were kicked off campus as the virus spread. Still others were sent home from study-abroad programs. Whatever the reason, there are a lot of college age kids sheltering in place with their parents. And it is stressful for both parties. So you need to have a family meeting ASAP. Here’s how I recommend structuring it:

·      These are young adults and they need to be part of the problem solving

·      Discuss the issues together and work to create a plan

·      Revisit the plan and adjust as necessary

·      Respect that your kids have been managing on their own so to be back under your roof is hard for them

“When will this end?”

We don’t know how long this will be the reality for families and we need to be honest with our kids about that. What we do know is what we must do today to keep our kids and ourselves safe. Don’t make promises about tomorrow or next week. The situation is too fluid and you don’t want to set your children up for disappointment.

“It seems like there’s no time to take care of myself after tending to everyone else’s needs!”

It is critical that parents not isolate emotionally even as we sequester in our own homes. So what can we do to stay emotionally strong and healthy?

·      Remember that you’re not alone; we’re all in this together

·      Stay connected to your tribe -- including extended family, friends and communities

·      Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp, etc.) to virtually check in and ‘see’ each other

·      Find a moment to do something for someone else. Being able to recognize that we can still help others can allow us to feel gratitude. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

The upending of life as we knew it impacts all of us. Since children are the least equipped to process and deal with it, they need the reassurance and steadfastness of their parents more than ever. Above all, take the long view and recognize that we are all working to survive and doing the best we can.

If you have a unique question or concern you’d like to discuss, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.

creating a Family Plan for the Coronavirus

Please wash your hands.

According to the CDC, that’s one of the very basic precautions that should be in every family’s plan for helping to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.

These days, it’s impossible to turn on a radio or television or log on to a digital media platform without hearing about the virus and its trek worldwide. While the disease may not yet be virulent in the U.S., the coverage certainly is.

That’s a good thing. As global citizens, we need to be and stay informed about what could become a substantial health crisis.

No one can predict with certainty if the virus will become widespread in the United States, certainly not at this early stage. Yet as parents we need to start thinking about the possible major impacts on family life -- and have contingency plans in place to address them.

In my opinion, here are the big issues families ought to be thinking about proactively:

Deal with your own anxieties. If you’re seriously worried about the virus, find a safe place to express your concerns to other adults. Talk to your partner and your friends. If your worry is outsized, consult a therapist. Bottom line, get the support you need so you don’t end up passing your anxiety on to your children.

Get informed.  The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. On it you can find out about the symptoms of COVID 19, the disease caused by the virus; how it spreads; children-specific data; prevention tips and precautions; FAQs; travel restrictions; recommendations for when to call a doctor and more -- all vetted by the best medical professionals in the county.

Stay informed.  You can easily sign up for weekly updates about the virus on the CDC website. Or choose any reputable new sources to keep yourself informed, especially in the case of breaking news.

Make a plan for school closures.  If the coronavirus becomes prevalent in your city, the local school district may decide to close schools. Talk to friends and neighbors to figure out a contingency plan if that possibility becomes an eventuality.

Talk to employers about working remotely. Many businesses will allow workers whose jobs can be performed remotely to work from home. If you’re not sure if your employer will do so -- or you have the type of job that cannot be performed remotely and you’ll need child care -- develop a plan that will keep your kids safe and supervised while you’re at work.

Summer camps and summers abroad. The school year will end before we know it. I haven’t seen much about local cities cancelling summer camps at this point, but be sure to have a back-up plan. Many summer programs abroad are already being preemptively cancelled. Now is the time to partner with your college-aged children and their institutions for a Plan B for Summer 2020.

Consider needs of parents and other elderly relatives. In early March when the disease was starting to gain a foothold in Seattle, Washington city officials recommended that anyone over the age of 60 stay in their homes. Stay in regular touch with elders in your life and encourage them to take precautions as advised.

Think about summer vacation plans. Since no one knows where or how the virus will spread, you’ll need to be flexible about summer vacation plans, especially if you’ve already made them. Fortunately, many airlines are lifting restrictions and waiving fees around rebooking. But those financial reprieves won’t soothe disappointed feelings…so take a look at what you’ve planned and see what you can adjust so your family can still enjoy the summer.

Talk to your kids about the virus. Don’t know where to start or how much information to reveal? NPR recently had a superb three-minute segment specifically directed at kids that explains what the virus is and how it’s affecting all of us. Sit your kids down for a listen together and then answer their questions. The site also features a great graphic comic just for kids that explains the virus.

Have a family meeting. This is the time for parents to share they have a plan in place -- and not just for big issues like school closings. Talk about your every-day family plan in terms of hand-washing, more frequent laundry, and other precautions you’ll be following.

Revise and repeat. Circumstances are bound to change if and when the virus becomes more active in the United States. Regularly review and revise your plans, if necessary, and be sure to keep everyone informed.

And again, please wash your hands!

How to Make Politics a Family Affair

Politics has become more rancorous than ever. The divisiveness played out daily in the media may be intended for adult-eyes only, but our kids are affected -- and sometimes even targeted -- by the polarized political environment we live in.

But wait! Ever the parental optimist, I believe the current election cycle is an ideal opportunity to advance three key aims:

1.     Educate our children -- of all ages -- about the democratic process and our role in it as members of the body politic.

2.     Share and demonstrate how our personal values shape not only our parenting decisions but all our life choices, including who we vote for and the issues we engage in.

3.     Foster the development of our kids’ values and be respectful, even when (especially when) their burgeoning political perspectives differ from our own. 

Not to mention, even the most unsavory aspects of the current climate can become object lessons when we create the lens through which our kids view such political discourse.

For example, uncivil speech and name-calling can be lessons in how not to communicate about issues and/or with adversaries. We can also help our kids decode the messaging in political ads, separating fiction from facts…just like we teach them to see how advertisers try to influence them in commercials and social media.

And the parade of political pundits and polls? Let’s help our kids learn how to challenge the news. An opinion expressed on a news channel can be rightly shown to be just that, an opinion. And polls, as we well know, are incomplete and often wrong (cue the 2016 election).

Just how can parents make politics a family affair for kids of all ages?  

PRESCHOOLERS

·       Political posters and garden flags are just about their height, so while you’re on a walk with little ones, tailor your comments to their level of understanding. While three-year-olds can’t process a lecture about the three branches of government, they can grasp what it means to be someone who’s in charge.

·       Speaking of which, you might ask them what would they do if they were the president. Developmentally, of course, they think it means they’d be the boss of everything. Help them see that it’s like at home, where mommies and daddies are in charge of important things, but kids can have opinions and preferences, too. That it’s the well-being of the whole family that really matters.

GRADESCHOOLERS

·       Because of how powerful we parents still are to children this age, be judicious when discussing politics with grade school-aged children. It’s possible to be resolute about your values without legislating your kid’s stance.

·       Introduce the importance of voting by taking them to the polling place with you. Let them know you can use notes and outside resources, and that leaving something blank because you aren’t well-enough informed doesn’t negate the rest of your ballot.

·       Even if it’s not happening on the national stage, model consensus building at home.

o   Demonstrate a key tenet of democracy -- majority rules -- by scheduling a family meeting about where to go on a family vacation or some other decision where everyone’s input is appropriate.

o   Be sure to talk about the importance of the minority opinion – and how it can help inform and shape the majority. After all, our president still needs to represent 100% of the people no matter the outcome of the election.

·       Point out how more and more women and people of color are running for office, ensuring that diverse voices and viewpoints become standard.

·       Read kid’s books with political themes together. Share and discuss a political cartoon. And when traveling, visit state capitols and/or historical museums. 

TEENS

·       One of my parenting values is that teenagers get to figure out what’s important to them. Encourage teens to do their own research and figure out how they feel about the candidates and the issues.

·       Another value is respecting their stances -- even when they’re molded by idealism or age-induced immaturity. Challenge their thinking, of course, but do so respectfully and in a manner that demonstrates how to give airtime to alternate sides of an issue.

·       Be supportive if they express a lot of passion about gun control or the environment, issues that teens often feel particularly impacted by.

·       Watch debates together while simultaneously logged onto a fact-checker site.

·       Reach out to friends and colleagues who are more engaged in politics and enlist them as resources for teens who have questions beyond your ability to answer.

·       Advise them to be mindful of social media’s role and influence on politics. Teens are less discerning about what they see on social media, so be sure to talk about the use of targeted and negative ads used to sway voters.

COLLEGE-AGE

·       Remind college students to register to vote in their college state, where their vote might make more of an impact than a vote at home; let them know about absentee ballots if they prefer to vote in their home state.

·       Encourage young adults to get involved in campaigns if they feel strongly about the issues or a particular candidate.

·       When they’re home during breaks pre-election, engage with them. Ask about their political perspectives on topical issues.

A chief parental role -- and one of our highest hopes -- is to grow our kids into young adults who can engage in and contribute to society. Politics is a real-life opportunity to create civic-minded offspring, so be sure to take advantage of it.

9 Values-Based 'Parenting Hacks' for 2020

I love hacks. Like most busy parents, I’m on board with anything that helps me manage my time and activities more effectively. I’ve learned lots of tricks and tips to stay organized, cut corners, or save time. But all of those hacks are on the micro-level, so for the New Year, I am sharing my macro-level parenting-hacks to make the job more satisfying and the outcomes more desirable.

Parenting Hack #1 – Anchor every decision in your values

Want to make the thousands of parenting decisions you’ll face easier and more effective? Then be sure to adhere to my #1 parenting hack, which also happens to be the foundation of my coaching practice.

The advantage of said values – covering issues like family rules, discipline, education and communications– is that they become your true north, making your decisions nimbler. Remember, the more firmly established and articulated your values, the harder it is to veer from them – particularly when you have to make a decision that’s liable to disappoint.

Tip for prospective parents: Check out my primer on parenting values to help you establish the values that will govern your particular brand of childrearing.

Parenting Hack #2 –Take the long view

It may seem hyperbolic to infer that taking the long view is a shortcut, but in practice, it’s precisely that.

Parenting is hardly a straight line. Your kids and your family will zig and zag in ways you can’t possibly imagine or predict. That’s why it’s important to keep your eyes on the big picture of what you want for your children and how you plan to get them there – so that you can more serenely navigate the many meandering moments without losing sight of your true north.

Taking the long view requires you increase your tolerance for the deviations and the plentiful curves that define parenting in the modern age. Fortunately, that’s a practice made easier by focusing on “What kind of adult do I want my child to become” versus “What grade do I want them to get on the upcoming test?”

Parenting Hack # 3 – Let. It. Go.

The best way to save untold stress and aggravation is to adjust your expectations – sometimes more than you’d prefer.

One mom I’ve coached has twin toddlers who (rightfully) suck up most every second of her day and absolutely every ounce of her energy, leaving her home in disarray. This former neat freak had to reconcile the primary needs of her tots against her preference for a spotless home. Clearly one thing had to go – and it couldn’t be the toddlers.

Was it disappointing? Of course. But when we own the reality of our particular situation, we can see the wisdom of tossing expectations that while important, aren’t central to what we ultimately want for our families. The upside is that everyone breathes a little easier.

Parenting Hack #4 – Don’t lose sight of your perspective

Your age and experience, not to manage your fully developed frontal lobe, makes you the expert on just about everything your children confront. Losing a girlfriend, getting a C, not making first chair in the orchestra. To a kid, such events can feel devastating. You know it’s not the end of the world.

So maintain your perspective. Of course be empathetic and model resilience so the next disappointment is a tad easier to bear. But don’t get caught up in your kid’s calamitous response. That’s not parenting, that’s enmeshment. Getting into the rabbit hole with our kids is a disservice to everyone.

Parenting Hack #5 – Only fight the good fights

The best advice I ever received was to not attend every fight or argument my kids invited me to. As every parent knows (or learns), when it comes to finding an end-run around a rule or just wearing parents down, kids are relentless.

So ignore the sly attempts to renegotiate your parenting decisions ad nauseum. If your decisions are anchored in your values and you’ve communicated that, arguing is moot. So share your decision (no cell phones at the dinner table), set appropriate limits (lights out at 10 pm) – and call it a day.

Now that’s a true shortcut.

Parenting Hack #6 – Take care of yourself

Some parents believe that the sign of a good parent is round-the-clock attentiveness to their kids’ every want and need.

Crisis situations aside, parents who dote excessively on their kids and ignore their own physical, emotional or spiritual renewal don’t just set themselves up for failure and resentment. They pave the way for the development of narcissistic, self-centered offspring.

That’s why I tell every mom and dad who ask me how to cope with the stress and strain of parenting: “You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.”

That’s not to say self-care is easy to accomplish, especially when children are small. But if you and your co-parent are not taking care of your own needs, your ability to be there for your kids when it counts will suffer.

If you’re stumped where to start, consider these self-care tips I shared in one of my early blog posts.

Parenting Hack #7 – Protect the couple

When kids are little, it is easy to focus all of the attention on them and ignore the spouse. Children are demanding and primary care providers can feel exhausted and ‘touched-out’ (little people have no regard for personal space).

My guidance for all parents is to make protecting the couple a core parenting value. Teaching kids they come first is a mistake. Once your kids are ‘grown and flown’ it’ll be just you and your partner. The goal is to launch the children and maintain your marriage.

Parenting Hack #8 – Build a community

Build a community around your children and you create an efficient circle of caring adults willing to go to bat for all the kids in the tribe, yours included. How might you go about it?

·      Be a member of groups in which your kids are involved

·      Be an advocate and partner at their school

·      Be an active member of your religious and/or community organizations

·      Create a sense of partnership and collaboration with other parents

Although there is ample confusion about the provenance of the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” it’s decidedly true.

Parenting Hack #9 – Love them

A friend recently shared that when she asked her husband how much he loved her, he answered, “More than you’ll ever know.” At first, it seemed to her a sweetly romantic response. But on reflection, she realized how much he loved her shouldn’t be a mystery! She should have no doubt that he loves and respects her by how he talks to and treats her. And vice versa.

It’s the same with our kids.

What children need from parents most of all is love and acceptance. There shouldn’t be any doubt in their minds about that, regardless of their physical appearance, emotional challenges, academic capacity or reprehensible developmental stage. As amazing as our world is, it can also be a critical and rejecting and dismissive place. That’s why parents must verbalize and demonstrate and model for our kids just how dear they are to us.

How to Use the Power of Intention(al Parenting) to Create Meaningful Holidays

Consider the key elements of a “picture perfect” holiday season:

• Low stress

• High satisfaction

• No (or limited) family drama

• Meaningful experiences

• Memorable takeaways

Sounds good, right? Especially when you consider the alternative: a stress-filled, commercially driven, energy-draining slog from now to the end of the year!

I’m a parenting coach (and mother of three), so I never promise perfection…but I know from experience that no matter which holiday(s) you celebrate as you close out 2019, taking an intentional parenting approach to planning for and celebrating these special days can make a marked difference in your family’s experience.

Read on to discover how making just a few mindful adjustments to seven major components of the holiday season can make what is often a high-pressure, lengthy to-do list into a family affair of shared effort and satisfying times. And don’t forget to get everyone engaged. Even little kids can take part by decorating cookies, making menorahs and helping tidy up their toys when company is due.

Gifts.  If gifts are an essential part of the holidays for you and your kids, revel in it. Just be intentional about it.

How? Let’s say one of your children has become interested in fitness and health. Show them that what they values matters to you by getting them a gym membership or new workout clothes. Buy them a new healthy-eating cookbook or a set of weights and resistance bands for the house. Put a new pair of sneakers under the tree. You get the (themed) picture.

Another intentional gift-giving strategy that minimizes parental stress and gets our kids involved is a family-giving circle. In one popular scenario, all the cousins names get thrown in a hat and each cousin is responsible for identifying a gift for their pick within a certain price range. The guessing games about who picked whom, the relief aunts and uncles feel for not having to buy for all and the big reveal when gifts are exchanged can make it fun for everyone.

If you’d like to rein in the amount of gifts you give, consider the 4-gift rule, whereby parents give their offspring four presents total. Something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. For some families, such restraint can be a radical departure from tradition, but if all family members are on board it can be an interesting approach to try – even if just for one year. Feel free to create your own four categories.

Another approach for gifts is bespoke, fancy-speak for hand- or custom-made. If you or your kids have a special talent (or just an adorable palm print), homemade gifts can be among the most meaningful to receive because of the personal effort that went into producing them. Hand print aprons were a hit with grandma in my house! And lots of people can enjoy sweet or savory home-roasted nuts or peppermint bark in a festive tin.

Giving.  Are you a family that leans more toward giving then getting? If so, you’ve probably already staked out a philanthropic intention for your holiday. Take time to share your commitments with your children. The dollar amount isn’t important; rather, it is an opportunity to articulate your values. A second intention could be to make holiday giving a family activity. For example, ask each of your children to adopt a cause that has personal meaning for them and help them come up with some novel ideas for how to make a meaningful contribution. If your kids receive an allowance or have money of their own, offer to match their personal contribution toward the cost of the donation to double their impact. Here are a few ideas:

• Your young animal lover could go to a big-box store and pick up food and toys to drop off at a local pet shelter

• Your bookworm can gather up some treasured books to donate to the local library or a school in need.

• Children of every age can go through their closets for unused or gently used clothes and toys that can be donated to a local center that serves families in need

Traditions.  Holiday traditions cover a wide range of activities, but all of them are focused on one thing: bringing your family together to create meaningful moments your kids will remember their whole lives.

Remember…creating memorable traditions isn’t about what you do – it’s about how intentional you are in making sure they happen – year after year. That’s how you create a family story that endures. There are as many traditions as there are families who have them. Here are a few:

• Read “The Night Before Christmas” on Christmas Eve after everyone is ready for bed.

• Have “breakfast for dinner” on Thanksgiving Eve

• Let your kids take turns lighting the Mishumaa Saba or the Menorah

• Write a love letter to your spouse for New Year’s Day

• Take an annual photo of the kids lined up from oldest to youngest in the same spot

• Celebrate HFCDTTTGSAOCSOTC Day! (Read the post to learn more about it!)  

One of my personal favorites is creating a holiday card that contains a photo of your kids “past’ and “present” in the same pose.

Family Experiences.  Digital gadgets eventually get obsolete (or replaced by newer models) and trendy items can go out of style or out of favor. But a family trip? That’s the kind of gift that keeps on giving!

Opting to create a memorable travel experience is one way to intentionally put the focus on family during the holidays. Not everyone has the means or time to travel, so be sure to weave special family experiences into the fabric of each year’s celebration. Consider an annual mother-son date to see a musical, holiday-themed game nights and a dress-up family portrait.

Or wrap up a family experience “coupon” for the family to enjoy in the new year. Waterpark passes, museum memberships, a downtown hotel stay or an art or cooking class for the family are just a few options to consider.

Food.  We all have favorite dishes we make and eat each year. I encourage you to bring your children into the kitchen.  Share family recipes and get the kids involved. I have so many memories of being in my mother’s kitchen and helping, watching and sampling…long before I discovered my own love of cooking. And don’t be shy about asking family and friends to bring a dish too so the burden isn’t anyone’s to bear alone. Even offering to pick up ice can be a big help for a hostess. Try extending your holiday intentionality to food as well. There’s something about the holidays that compels many of us to over-cook and/or overeat! Keep in mind some tenets of mindful eating as you indulge in the treats of the season.

Going Beyond Your Nuclear Family.  One of the benefits of any holiday – especially those at the end of the year – is that the world slows down, giving us extra time to celebrate with our tribe. As a child, one of my favorite holiday traditions was having a friend over for one of the nights of Hanukkah – then going to her house the night her family trimmed the Christmas tree! I also enjoy baking holiday cookies with friends and everyone goes home with a full tin of different treats.

As you consider how to celebrate with family, be sure to make plans with your besties and their families. There’s a richness there that shouldn’t be missed.

Spirituality.  If you follow a religious or spiritual path, be sure to make your faith tradition an intentional aspect of your family’s holiday experience. That alone makes clear your intention to broaden the meaning of the holidays beyond the commercial. If there’s an ancient narrative associated with it, retell the story aloud at the dinner table and talk about its meaning and why we commemorate it. Or attend religious services as a family.

Being intentional about how we celebrate year-end holidays doesn’t eliminate all the stresses and hard work involved in making holidays a cherished family time. But this I will promise: being intentional will help you prioritize your time and choices and will make the holiday season better!

Happy Holidays – however you celebrate!

p.s.  Please send your tips for having an intentional holiday to danahirtparenting@gmail.com