Pandemic Parenting - A Pause to Say Bravo!

Parenting during a pandemic is like nothing parents have ever had to face.

The dangers of the coronavirus led to a lockdown, working remotely, homeschooling, addressing our kids’ compounding disappointments, at-home-summer-camp coordination -- not to mention monitoring regular hand-washing, masks and social distancing. Altogether, it’s been over four months of unparalleled stress. If your kids are still upright at the end of each day, you have done an outstanding job. No question about it.

So at this mid-summer juncture, I wanted to simply say Bravo, Parents! 

In truth, I have been blown away by my clients’ and other parents’ resilience during the last four months. I’ve heard (and experienced) just how hard it is to do one’s paying job while managing all the extra roles parents have had to take on  -- and this goes doubly for parents of young and school-aged kids. More disheartening, every parent has had to deal with the uncertainty, ambiguity and fear about how long this situation might last, feelings that sometimes permeate every (sometimes-unending) day.

In talking to parents, several approaches that have been especially helpful have repeated themselves with regularity:

·      A literal change of scenery, if resources allow…or a virtual shift in daily / weekly activities if you’re unable to leave home

·      A resurgence of and increase in family meetings, so that every member of the family can get involved and buy into helping the family thrive despite the difficulties

·      Cooperating and creating opportunities for family engagement versus pointing fingers at who’s not doing what

·      Preparing and eating at least one meal a day as a family

·      Relinquishing some of the 100% hands-on care we wrongly think a “good” parent always provides

Still, I have to acknowledge that even these things don’t make the problems related to the coronavirus go away or give us a sense of what the future holds, which is the thing we and our children are craving most.

For parents, “not knowing” is probably one of the biggest challenges of the pandemic. After all, parents are accustomed to coming up with solutions to the constant flow of problems life and kids throw our way, but at this moment we have no control over what happens outside our homes -- even though it affects us profoundly. We can’t control the virus. We can’t control government mandates. We can’t make plans that our kids can count on. There are tons of what-ifs.

Given all this stress and uncertainty, every parent is experiencing burnout and major COVID fatigue. That’s why I invite every parent to make sure taking care of yourself is at the very top of your list each day. Try using these suggestions or craft some techniques that work for you:

·      Mindfulness / Meditation / Deep breathing (include the kids if you can)

·      Regular exercise and outside time

·      Consistent bedtime / wake-up schedules

·      Color…listen to music…rock in a rocking chair or hammock -- anything that is self-soothing

·      Limit multi-tasking

·      REPEAT daily…and at any point when you become anxious about the uncertainty of it all

Most important, give yourselves a pat on the back for all you and your family have weathered these last four months.

As each week has passed -- without being conscious of it -- your family has been writing the story of your resilience during an exceptional time in human history. So take a few minutes during a quiet time and jot down some memories of your family’s COVID chapter. Write down the things you’ve accomplished against enormous odds. Take the time to note the things that worked and even those that didn’t. Reflect on what your kids have learned -- and the surprisingly things you’ve learned about them as they’ve weathered their COVID experience.

Above all, acknowledge that while you may not have done it perfectly, you’ve survived and your family is intact and perhaps even thriving in some ways. You’ve been great. So please, revel in it.

The next chapter is just ahead.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Racism

When the magnitude of racism erupts throughout society, as it has since the violent deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery, you can bet that kids will have copious questions and challenging feelings. Given that the public outcry is as widespread and politicized and combustible as it is now…their questions and feelings will be even more pressing and troubling.

As parents, our job is to engage our children in conversations that are direct, age-appropriate and fact- and values-based. Here are 3 key areas in which to anchor your approach:

·      Awareness - being open to learning and speaking honestly and factually about race in America

·      Acknowledgement - validating your children’s feelings (and your own)

·      Action - defining ways your family can work toward creating a more just and equitable world

Let’s start with awareness.

For white parents, educating ourselves about racism isn’t about being reactive or expressing our outrage. It means learning about and facing the systemic oppression and institutionalized inequities that have favored whites and subjugated blacks.

Hard truths, to be sure, but truth nonetheless. That’s job #1. Once we have educated ourselves and confronted our own feelings, we will be more adept at helping our children. It’s critical to understand that our education is ongoing. Part of my personal journey to awareness has been acknowledging all that I do not know or understand and committing to learn more.

Job #2 is ensuring that talking about racism, as well as the value of diversity, becomes an ongoing family conversation.

In black families, these discussions have been happening for decades because to raise a black child in America is to raise them in a world that generally treats them as suspect. Plus, black parents know that the larger society isn’t structured to instill pride in and empower black children, so they must take on that task themselves.

In white families -- where privilege is conferred simply by virtue of skin color -- parents need to foster ongoing dialogue about how the differences between people doesn’t confer different value about people. Actually, scholars say such talk should start when kids are preschoolers. Too early, you might think? Far from it. As I pointed out in a post on teaching the value of diversity, studies reveal that kids as young as 4 demonstrate a marked bias regarding skin color and gender even when they themselves are from a minority group.

But the type of dialogue that’s required now that we’re in the crucible of racial unrest is different.

So let’s talk the present-day importance of hearing and acknowledging your kids’ experiences.

It bears repeating that parents need to reinforce your family’s values about equality. And if there is unrest or rioting going on where you live, it’s important to reassure your kids that you will do everything in your power to keep them safe.

Naturally, our kids’ ages dictates the tenor of how these conversations unfold. My young-adult children who are quarantining with me during the pandemic are outraged about current events, and we have had deep and wide-ranging discussions about our complicity in the social construct of racism and our privilege.

Teens, who come to family discussions with an arsenal of information garnered from social media, are often eager to share their insights and experiences with parents and siblings. Their viewpoint, while age-appropriately naïve, should still be respected and, when necessary, challenged by your broader perspective. In other words, don’t pretend to be an expert on race relations but do provide historical and other context when appropriate. And remember, when parents share our own feelings of frustration and despair, kids feel safer to share theirs too.

With school-aged kids and younger, who may have heard or seen the news but are much less capable of processing it, the role of the parent as child advocate becomes most crucial.

In an earlier post on helping kids cope with violent events, I said that the most important job of parents before having a discussion about societal violence is to find out what your kids already know. In the current situation, if they are aware that something bad happened to black people but haven’t seen the video of the officer’s knee on Mr. Floyd’s neck or images of protestors being dispersed with tear gas, you can decide the specifics of what you share.

Jacqueline Douge, MD, a Maryland pediatrician and child advocate, suggests that because kids understand the concept of fairness, they will understand when you explain that what happened is that black and brown people were treated unfairly simply because of the color of their skin.

And with school-aged and younger kids, be especially mindful of your conversations with other adults within earshot of little ones, and be mindful of their exposure to explicit media reports and images.

Now let’s address action. This is an every-family-member-on-deck practice. And like family conversations about equality and racism, action also needs to be ongoing.

With young kids, parents can talk about how to act on the playground and what to do if they witness kids of color being bullied or ignored. Parents can be more inclusive when it comes to birthday parties or other kid celebrations. Teens can identify where their behavior with peers can be improved and how they might foster discussion among their friends or even school-wide. As a family, you might discuss where to donate money if you have the resources, as well as where and how to volunteer and work toward unity. Families that have businesses might consider donating a percentage of their sales to organizations that fight inequality. I know many of us are overwhelmed with feelings; many of us are unsure what to do. I don’t have all of the answers. I just know that action matters. Take time to become more aware; find ways to acknowledge your experience; do not fail to act. We all have to be a part of the solution in whatever lane we choose.

For parents looking for resources for family discussions about race and current events, I highly recommend these:

·      The National Museum of African American History & Culture’s online guide to “Talking About Race” includes a special section for parents and caregivers

·      The New York Times recently published an article highlighting books for parents and kids of all ages to “help start the conversation” at home

·      Child Mind Institute has a live conversation on Facebook about how parents can talk to kids about racism and violence  

How to Craft a DIY Safe, Fun (& Resilient) COVID Summer

In my last post -- presuming that 2020 would not be summer as usual -- I advised parents to think “what if”, evaluate your risk tolerance and turn to your tribe to lay the groundwork for when summertime decision time arrived.

Well…it’s here.

While a number of states are cautiously reopening, some parents have  already decided that it feels too risky for them to have their kids away from home in any capacity this summer. Other parents, who had hoped the kids could still attend their annual camp, are just now hearing about 2020 closings or deciding against the relatively restrictive and rather un-camp-like CDC guidelines for summer camps.

As a result, both working and stay-at-home parents are surrendering to the idea that summer 2020 is going to be a DIY project for the whole family.

But first, there are feelings to be shared. Lots of feelings.

As the pandemic morphed from the early days of uncertainty to weeks of cancellations and shut-downs, children of all ages have had to endure an unending string of disappointments in a very short period of time. Even so, there remained the hope that “maybe” the virus would be contained by summer and they could resume some sense of normalcy.

Now that has been taken from them too.

The result? Kids are grieving -- and need their parents to help them navigate yet another loss.

Over and over in my blog, I’ve talked about how parents can help kids feel seen and validated, whatever their feelings. The “guidance” is even more important during COVID:

·      Give kids space to share their frustration and anger without criticizing or judging

·      Acknowledge the depth of their disappointment and grief; don’t minimize it

·      Validate their feelings and be empathic

·      Take the opportunity to teach (or remind) them that feelings are fluid and don’t last forever

·      Reassure them that you’re confident they will get through it

·      Let them know they can come to you whenever their negative feelings resurface or flare up

·      Provide the wider perspective of the global experience and their relative privilege  

·      Help them shift their focus to the things they can control  

As a parent coach and educational therapist, I’d be remiss if I didn’t call out the huge side benefit of helping kids manage their negative emotions due to the pandemic -- and that’s strengthening their resilience in the face of obstacles.

And as famed author and parenting pro Julie Lythcott-Haims points out, “Maybe this is an opportunity for children to reclaim some of the very best aspects of childhood that we’ve paved over with enrichment programs.” Indeed.

Even with those upsides, the question remains: what are the options for kids this summer now that baseball games, camp, pools, sleepovers, amusement parks and all the other traditional activities of summertime are no longer part of the equation?

One thing’s for sure. Some of the best answers for how to spend Summer 2020 will emerge by giving our kids a leading role. In fact, giving children a sense of responsibility and ownership over their summer is yet another resilience- and creativity-building process. Not to mention, giving kids agency over hot to craft a fun summer translates to the type of buy-in that money and pleading just can’t buy.

A family meeting is a great place to start the brainstorming. With the oldest child or a parent acting as the scribe, let your kids imagine how they might turn their favorite summertime activities into things they can safely do at home. Suggest weekly themes to riff off of. Explore online classes and virtual activities. Schedule a camping weekend in your backyard. Add a hefty dose of DIY opportunities. Build in a variety of skill-learning options -- with end-of-summer prizes and awards. Allow for some screen and reading time, too.

And be prepared for meltdowns, frustration and the “growth opportunity” that frustration will bring (including your own!).

I’m not suggesting that creating a bespoke summer camp will be a cakewalk -- nor do I for a second underestimate the enormous logistics effort required to get kids signed up, supplies bought and guardrails put in place. Yet I maintain that the pandemic offers parents the chance to acknowledge the profound loss for the entire family -- and to project the confidence that as a family, you’ll get through it.

There are tons of resources online - almost too many. So I’ve compiled a short list of options (see below), that run the gamut from camp-in-a-box deliveries to DIY projects for all ages to interactive virtual camps on subjects from fashion to ocean science to get you started. Many are offering discounts due to the pandemic and several are free.

Summer is here, whether we are ready or not; if you need support, I’m here.

SUMMER 2020 Online Resources

activityhero.com  Hub for live interactive classes and camps including fashion, cooking, coding, ocean science and more for kids of all ages.

camp.wonderopolis.org   FREE online summer-learning destination.

connectedcamps.com   Founded by three “girls geeks,” this nonprofit focuses on the positive potential of tech. Game design and architecture largely through Minecraft platform. Ages 8-17

creativebug.com   Arts and crafts activities taught through award-winning videos. 

diy.org   Clearinghouse for step-by-step video instruction on a variety of projects for kids capable of independent work. Rube goldberg machines, drawing demos, sewing activities and more.

idtech.com   Virtual weeklong tech camps + online private lessons in coding, STEM, game development, etc. Ages 7+.  

https://www.musicinst.org. Music Institue of Chicago. Private lessons and groups K-12, beginners on up. Musical theater camps and teaching how to play an instrument.

https://www.nashvillechildrenstheatre.org   Fully integrated and interactive online theater classes -- including online productions -- for ages 8-18.

mycampbox.com    Joys and crafts of summer camp delivered to your doorstep. Interactive elements including Campfire Chats via Zoom. Ages 6+.

outschool.com   Fun, social and safe online learning experiences over live video for kids 3-18.

ctd.northwestern.edu   Center for Talent Development at Northwestern is offering online opportunities for kids from pre-school through high school.

unicoistudio.com   “Together we Camp” art projects to go plus live virtual classes.

varsitytutors.com    Week long camps. K-12. 1 hour live daily classes taught by celebrity instructors.

wideopenschool.org   A FREE online learning resource hub for all ages, including virtual field trips.

What's Next? Planning a COVID-19 Summer

Just as parents the world over were coming to grips with the reality that school would be virtual for the rest of the academic year, a new unknown loomed: What will summer look like in the midst of a worldwide pandemic?

This much we can assume -- it will not be summer as usual.

The sad fact is the virus isn’t going away. The science on whether or not summertime heat will “quiet” the virus is inconclusive at best. Even the once-promising impact of antibody testing isn’t a guarantee that we will be safe from reinfection or from infecting others. Nor can we predict what local or state restrictions will be. In short - we’re not going to get a green-light reprieve from the confines and challenges of the current situation.

So now what?

First, remember you’re not alone. Every parent and family is facing the same uncertainties and worries about how to maintain family health and unity throughout the summer in these unprecedented times. The not-so-good news is that no one delivers a one-size-fits-all solution that will make the questions of what to do this summer fall neatly into place. Each family’s plan needs to be individualized to fit your unique circumstances and needs.

What I offer is a template for what to be thinking about so you will be better equipped to create a new version of summer this year.

1.     Take a deep breath. I know I am not alone in craving normalcy. Take a moment to digest the additional potential losses for yourself and your children. Camp, summer travel, summer jobs, etc. Each new loss can compound feelings of despair and heighten anxiety. Acknowledge this reality, but don’t allow it to keep your from the next steps.

2. Don’t wait to start strategizing. Don’t put your head in the sand in hopes that a cure or vaccine will make your what-if planning unnecessary. Compared to our old lives, the world could remain shut down -- including social distancing and stay-at-home orders -- for a couple more weeks or months. Make it a priority to think through various what-if scenarios with your partner, co-parent and/or family and close friends.

3.     Assess your financial situation. If both parents are lucky enough to still have jobs, will one of you need to take a leave from work if your risk tolerance precludes sending kids to childcare or if summer camps don’t open? If you are a single working parent and don’t have the option of not working, what, if any, sources of outside income or support can you call upon?

4.     Assess your risk tolerance. What are your feelings about being part of the first wave of workers returning to an office setting? If either or both parents are called back to work in an office setting, are you willing to take the risk of possible exposure to the virus or do you need to negotiate with your boss about continuing to work remotely?

As far as kids are concerned, are you comfortable sending children to childcare centers, camps or park districts this summer?

5.     If you’re divorced, talk with your co-parent. Managing children between two households can be tough in normal times. Be sure to have a frank conversation about your respective needs and obligations over the summer with your co-parent. Utilize a mediator if necessary.

6.     Contact your daycare centers and summer-camps.

The CDC has already issued guidelines for daycare centers. If your particular daycare center closed now but is reopening this summer, ask hard questions about their cleaning regimens and other plans to keep children safe. If they don’t have one this far into the crisis, consider investigating other providers.

If you’ve already registered your kids for summer camps, call and find out if they are strategizing options for families such as Camp-in-a-Box or other virtual experiences. Some camps may open depending on geography, so find out if they are instituting precautions such as limiting the number of children per group.

Parents of teens scheduled to work as camp counselors this summer also need to consider their tolerance for risk, as well as what to do if your teen gets the virus.

Many summer camps (local or sleep-away) are awaiting final CDC guidelines. Be sure to sign up for weekly CDC updates via newsletter.

7.     Look to your tribe. It’s virtually impossible to maintain the existing scenario of being a full-time caregiver and maintain a full-time career. Since every family is going to need help, what is your tolerance for widening your quarantine circle? Can you bring parents, siblings or other close relatives into your orbit to help? What about neighborhood resources? Can parents help homebound teens on your block create a safe local version of “summer camp”?

As the pandemic has unfolded, I’ve spoken with many parents -- of both single and multiple children -- who are immensely concerned about the negative impact of ongoing social isolation on their kids. I hear the concerns -- and empathize completely. But children truly are resilient -- as long as parents remain engaged with them throughout this ordeal.

Expose them to what’s happening in the world and take advantage of the many teaching opportunities the pandemic offers. Provide lessons in empathy and community engagement by helping them sew masks to distribute or send thank-you cards to essential workers or isolated seniors. Help them gain essential skills like cooking, proper housecleaning and planting a garden. Engage their bodies and guard their mental health by building lots of physical activity and movement into their days (and yours!). Above all, be there when they need to vent or cry or express their feelings about their seemingly dashed end-of-school and summer plans. Be compassionate about the losses they are experiencing even as you practice gratitude for good health, resources, etc.

As absolutely tough as this is -- on every one of us -- I firmly believe families can and will recover. COVID-19 is offering an unsolicited master-class in resilience. Now is the time to start to think about what’s next for yourself and your family.

The Unexpected Blessings of Sheltering at Home

One blessing…A family’s way of honoring each other at a weekly award ceremony!

People worldwide are experiencing a multitude of stressors due to the raging COVID-19 pandemic. For moms and dads in particular, the challenges of trying to simultaneously be full-time parents and, often, full-time employees, have brought many a competent adult to the breaking point.

But then, out of the blue and often just when it is needed most, a friend reaches out with a word of support…a brother makes a daily effort to connect with his sister…an unexpected gift appears on a doorstep…or a child intuitively offers Mommy a huge hug.

These are just a few of the gifts parents are discovering as we inch our families forward -- moment by moment, day by day -- through the single most momentous global happening in a century.

As stated so eloquently in a recent Esalen Institute newsletter:

“No other moment in recent history has brought the world together on one singular path quite like the COVID-19 pandemic…reminding us that this juncture is allowing us to strengthen our connection with ourselves and each other even more. By doing so, we have the capacity to expand our human potential in ways we may have never imagined.”

In my work as a parenting coach and through my philanthropic service, I’ve been hearing about the many unintended gifts of this time -- and the inherent beauty of the directive to “shelter” at home. For what else ought our homes be for our children and are families if not a shelter and sanctuary from an invisible enemy?

And when could it be more important than right now, when our compliance can quite plainly mean the difference between life and death?

Here is just a sampling of the ‘gifts’ I’ve been hearing about:

·      Being able to FaceTime one’s parents every day

·      Dropping off a box of presents and singing “Happy Birthday” to a 5-year-old (from a safe distance!)

·      Beginning a tradition of weekly family meetings

·      The privilege of having jobs we can perform remotely, providing incomes to care for our families

·      A 12-year-old’s suggestion that her family create handmade COVID-19 awards for one another and bestow them weekly in a ceremony complete with a podium and Olympic music; her mother’s prized award to date is the ‘Best at Admitting You Were Wrong’ Award!

·      One mother of two hadn’t realized just how much she missed her busy 3rd grader until schools closed; she is now savoring this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend more time with both her girls

·      A profusion of craft-making and game-playing

·      “Found time” with college-aged kids who know they are safe and wanted back at home

·      Families becoming “communities” committed to fully participating in all the chores required to make a house a home

·      Zoom or other video-enabled gatherings to continue celebrating birthdays and other important occasions -- and simply to reconnect with friends with whom we’ve lost touch in the busyness of life before the pandemic

·      Family pets that offer unconditional love 24/7 -- and a reason to get much-needed exercise

·      Being mindful of what brings us meaning rather than simply checking items off a to-do list

A final thought:  Globally, there are many, many parents less privileged by race, geography and systemic inequities who are unable to provide for their children’s most basic needs or shield them from the effects of the coronavirus and the impact of lost livelihoods. If you are able, consider giving of your resources to organizations helping families in need both in your local communities and worldwide.

COVID-19, Quarantine and Divorce

I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to deal with the stress of life and divorce on hold and self-quarantine with someone you no longer wish to be married to. Here are my best tips:

So you were in the midst of divorce or separation and then COVID-19 happened and now you find yourself quarantined with a spouse you don’t want to be with... what now?

As a parent coach, I want to focus my advice on those of you with children in the house.

Whether they are toddlers or college age kids who have been forced home, you must show them your best selves right now.  As a divorce survivor myself, I feel your pain. At whatever place you were in your separation or divorce proceedings, you had made the decision to end your marriage and now that is on hold.... along with the rest of your life. This situation is challenging for all and can seem untenable for those of you suffering in your marriage.

But, your children have to come first here.

They look to us for the answers and we don’t have many for them right now. They don’t know when they are returning to school, when they can see their grandparents, or when they can go back to the park. What you CAN (and should) do is practice effective co-parenting. If and when you are able to separate/divorce you will have to navigate co-parenting so it’s a good opportunity to practice. Stop focusing on you vs. me and start focusing on us vs. COVID-19.

Once you survive this crisis you can get back to figuring out your next steps.

While you are stuck inside together I do not recommend trying to negotiate the parenting plans for the future. Navigating issues around custody, visitation and vacation schedules is not optimal right now as it’s hard to take a break when things feel contentious. Instead work together to take care of yourselves, the kids, your work responsibilities and the house.

Check out my ten tips for parents. These are particularly relevant for you as you have the added stress of your in flux situation.

1.) Manage your own anxiety. Get the support you need so you don’t escalate fear for your children.

2.) Stay informed. The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. In addition, stay on top of communication from your children’s school, pediatrician, tutors, etc.

3.) Focus on what you CAN control. It’s important for our children to still feel like they are empowered. Involve older kids in setting up hand washing stations in the house; create a checklist to wipe down handles, light switches and knobs regularly and assign the tasks.

4.) Make a plan. Structure is important for kids and they like being able to anticipate what is happening next. Post your daily schedule and use colors and pictures for little ones. Be mindful of work demands for yourself and your partner as you plan the day. NO parent can be effective if they do not have an opportunity for self-care.

5.) Be prepared to PIVOT. You may need to revisit the plan as the situation changes. Be flexible.

6.) Have family meetings. A weekly forum (or more frequent if necessary) to check in with each other will help manage the stress of all of this together time.

7.) Dedicate private space. Everyone should have a special place in your home that is just his/hers. It can be a fort in the corner of the living room, but privacy is important.

8.) Don’t isolate emotionally or psychologically. Stay connected to your extended family, friends and community. We are all in this together. Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp) to check in and ‘see’ each other.

9.) Share your best ideas. Post a great pantry staple recipe. Share a fun family game.

10.) Do something for someone else. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

You can read the full article here: Coronavirus, Self-Quarentine and Divorce

6 Parental Concerns and Answers for Coping with Covid-19

Days have turned into weeks since the social distancing and stay-at-home directives to stem the spread of Covid-19 were first announced. And it’s safe to say that weeks may turn into months.

As hard as this is for everyone, the current conditions have a particular impact on families and children. 

As we hunker down in social isolation, some of us are starting to crack under the strain. In my parenting coach practice, a number of parents have admitted to struggling more than they anticipated. Here are some of the most common complaints -- and my advice for how to cope.

“I am not cut out to be a full-time teacher.” 

I get it. So don’t try. But there are a few things you can do:

·      Take full advantage of whatever distance learning support is provided by the school

·      Create a kid-friendly environment in your home that is conducive to learning

·      Let your children know you are proud of their efforts

·      Remind yourself that whatever you’re doing to support your child’s learning is good enough.

“My teenage son/daughter keeps pushing to see their friends.”

Sorry, this is a hard NO. The one thing each of us can do to help stop this pandemic is social distancing. Expert after expert says it is the only way to curb the spread, and we have a collective responsibility to do our part. Be empathic and acknowledge how hard it is for your teens to be separated from their all-important friends, but do not allow them to socialize with their friends except virtually.

“How do I balance MY work responsibilities with the needs of my kids?”

This is a real challenge for working parents.  Managing your workload and being accountable to your boss, colleagues and clients while being a full-time parent, chef and teacher is overwhelming. Here, too, you just have to do the best you can. This is a global crisis and many people are navigating the same issues. Here are some tips for finding a balance:

·      If you haven’t already done so, talk to your manager about which projects take priority.

·      Sit down with your partner and strategize how to insure you both have some protected ‘quiet time’ for the most urgent work-related issues.

·      Stash a few special toys/crafts in the closet. When you need some uninterrupted time pull one out to distract your kids.

·      Use screen time wisely. Rather than watching the show together, use the screen time to get your work done and then play games together.

·      Create a sign that says “Mom/Dad at work” or “Do Not Disturb” but only use it when you absolutely have to.  You want to train your kids to respect the sign so don’t put it up unless you are on an important business call and truly can’t be interrupted.

“It is hard having my college age kids back in the house.”

Some kids were home for spring break and couldn’t go back to school. Others were kicked off campus as the virus spread. Still others were sent home from study-abroad programs. Whatever the reason, there are a lot of college age kids sheltering in place with their parents. And it is stressful for both parties. So you need to have a family meeting ASAP. Here’s how I recommend structuring it:

·      These are young adults and they need to be part of the problem solving

·      Discuss the issues together and work to create a plan

·      Revisit the plan and adjust as necessary

·      Respect that your kids have been managing on their own so to be back under your roof is hard for them

“When will this end?”

We don’t know how long this will be the reality for families and we need to be honest with our kids about that. What we do know is what we must do today to keep our kids and ourselves safe. Don’t make promises about tomorrow or next week. The situation is too fluid and you don’t want to set your children up for disappointment.

“It seems like there’s no time to take care of myself after tending to everyone else’s needs!”

It is critical that parents not isolate emotionally even as we sequester in our own homes. So what can we do to stay emotionally strong and healthy?

·      Remember that you’re not alone; we’re all in this together

·      Stay connected to your tribe -- including extended family, friends and communities

·      Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp, etc.) to virtually check in and ‘see’ each other

·      Find a moment to do something for someone else. Being able to recognize that we can still help others can allow us to feel gratitude. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

The upending of life as we knew it impacts all of us. Since children are the least equipped to process and deal with it, they need the reassurance and steadfastness of their parents more than ever. Above all, take the long view and recognize that we are all working to survive and doing the best we can.

If you have a unique question or concern you’d like to discuss, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.

creating a Family Plan for the Coronavirus

Please wash your hands.

According to the CDC, that’s one of the very basic precautions that should be in every family’s plan for helping to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.

These days, it’s impossible to turn on a radio or television or log on to a digital media platform without hearing about the virus and its trek worldwide. While the disease may not yet be virulent in the U.S., the coverage certainly is.

That’s a good thing. As global citizens, we need to be and stay informed about what could become a substantial health crisis.

No one can predict with certainty if the virus will become widespread in the United States, certainly not at this early stage. Yet as parents we need to start thinking about the possible major impacts on family life -- and have contingency plans in place to address them.

In my opinion, here are the big issues families ought to be thinking about proactively:

Deal with your own anxieties. If you’re seriously worried about the virus, find a safe place to express your concerns to other adults. Talk to your partner and your friends. If your worry is outsized, consult a therapist. Bottom line, get the support you need so you don’t end up passing your anxiety on to your children.

Get informed.  The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. On it you can find out about the symptoms of COVID 19, the disease caused by the virus; how it spreads; children-specific data; prevention tips and precautions; FAQs; travel restrictions; recommendations for when to call a doctor and more -- all vetted by the best medical professionals in the county.

Stay informed.  You can easily sign up for weekly updates about the virus on the CDC website. Or choose any reputable new sources to keep yourself informed, especially in the case of breaking news.

Make a plan for school closures.  If the coronavirus becomes prevalent in your city, the local school district may decide to close schools. Talk to friends and neighbors to figure out a contingency plan if that possibility becomes an eventuality.

Talk to employers about working remotely. Many businesses will allow workers whose jobs can be performed remotely to work from home. If you’re not sure if your employer will do so -- or you have the type of job that cannot be performed remotely and you’ll need child care -- develop a plan that will keep your kids safe and supervised while you’re at work.

Summer camps and summers abroad. The school year will end before we know it. I haven’t seen much about local cities cancelling summer camps at this point, but be sure to have a back-up plan. Many summer programs abroad are already being preemptively cancelled. Now is the time to partner with your college-aged children and their institutions for a Plan B for Summer 2020.

Consider needs of parents and other elderly relatives. In early March when the disease was starting to gain a foothold in Seattle, Washington city officials recommended that anyone over the age of 60 stay in their homes. Stay in regular touch with elders in your life and encourage them to take precautions as advised.

Think about summer vacation plans. Since no one knows where or how the virus will spread, you’ll need to be flexible about summer vacation plans, especially if you’ve already made them. Fortunately, many airlines are lifting restrictions and waiving fees around rebooking. But those financial reprieves won’t soothe disappointed feelings…so take a look at what you’ve planned and see what you can adjust so your family can still enjoy the summer.

Talk to your kids about the virus. Don’t know where to start or how much information to reveal? NPR recently had a superb three-minute segment specifically directed at kids that explains what the virus is and how it’s affecting all of us. Sit your kids down for a listen together and then answer their questions. The site also features a great graphic comic just for kids that explains the virus.

Have a family meeting. This is the time for parents to share they have a plan in place -- and not just for big issues like school closings. Talk about your every-day family plan in terms of hand-washing, more frequent laundry, and other precautions you’ll be following.

Revise and repeat. Circumstances are bound to change if and when the virus becomes more active in the United States. Regularly review and revise your plans, if necessary, and be sure to keep everyone informed.

And again, please wash your hands!