#Mother's DAY is Not Enough

“....And Moms are still not OK.”

That’s the line that got me. It appeared in an article about moms and the pandemic that hit my in-box late March.

Fourteen months in, and I’m still hearing from clients and friends that moms bear the brunt of the increased work- and stress-loads brought about by the pandemic. And that’s not even accounting for the lost wages and forfeited gains in the labor force that mothers, especially those of color, have endured due to both the lack of childcare and the persistence of remote K-12 learning. Not to mention centuries of the unpaid, undervalued and unacknowledged labor of women.

For Mother’s ‘Day’ 2021, I say we aim much, much higher when it comes to supporting mothers…because one day out of 365 is not enough respite for anyone.

In fact, let’s tag it: #MothersDAYisnotenough.

I know this defies Rule #1 of successful hashtag creation (“don’tputamillionwordsinonehashtag”), but if ever there was a time for rule-breaking, it’s now…when women are collapsing from the strain of all that’s been put on and taken from them during this past year. 

Moms -- working, single and stay-at-home alike -- have shouldered the primary responsibility for the roles of teacher/tutor, chef, housekeeper, babysitter, therapist and coach imposed by the pandemic. Of course, that’s in addition to any paying work they may have.

This isn’t just anecdotal. Study after study after study provide evidence of the pandemic’s disproportionate impact on mothers’ workload and well-being.

I’m not saying there aren’t some dads and partners out there who hold up 50% of the parenting, caregiving and household burden; nor am I denying that some fathers have stepped up to take on more of the responsibilities of family life during COVID. And there are increasing numbers of fathers who are the primary parent, caregiver and home-keeper. But a study from the Pew Research Center last year noted that despite those efforts, “many of the dynamics between couples haven’t changed much during this turbulent time.”

So now what?

If you’re a mother or the primary parent…

·       I’m like a broken record on this topic, but moms must prioritize self-care -- full stop

o   For starters, on your next walk (sans kids), listen to one of the free webinars on Gemmawomen.com on topics including “Mom Guilt: When Does it End” and “Setting Boundaries with Families”

·       Practice saying “No” (it’s actually a full sentence); you simply cannot do everything -- and everything simply does not need to be done

·       If parenting and other family responsibilities aren’t being fairly distributed between you and your partner, talk honestly with them about what you need

·       Involve your partner and your children in the problem-solving and in the doing, even little kids can (and want to) contribute in the home

·       Share your experience with other moms and enjoy the mutual benefits of support and empathy, as well as the reminder that you’re not alone

·       Refuse to participate in or accept mom-shaming -- on the job, on social media or in conversation; there is no shame in not being able to meet wildly unrealistic expectations -- either your own or society’s

If you’re a dad or the non-primary parent…

·       Transform your approach to Mother’s Day by frankly talking with your co-parent about the caregiving or housekeeping areas where she is feeling particularly stressed…and devise ways you can lighten her load in those arenas going forward

·       Ask the mom in your life how she would like to spend Mother’s Day

·       Acknowledge your partner’s Herculean efforts on behalf of the family during the pandemic…apologize if you’ve not done your share…and demonstrate what you plan to do differently

·       This one is crucial: Initiate a discussion with your wife, partner or co-parent about the “mental load” they carry regarding both parenting and household upkeep. This includes the often-invisible load of anxiety, anticipating, planning and follow-up that moms typically shoulder. For example, some dads may be surprised to know that moms start researching summer camps right after they’ve cleaned up the New Year’s noisemakers. Make a plan to relieve your co-parent of some of this “worry work”

If you’re a friend or family member of a single parent…

·       Check in with single moms regularly to offer emotional support -- and let them know they can call on you in an emergency or just to chat

·       Offer to take the kids for an afternoon to give her a much needed break

·       Call before you go to the grocery store to see what you can pick up for her; or consider giving a gift card for grocery delivery

·       Gently encourage her to not neglect self-care, even if she only has a few minutes a day for it

These are just a few suggestions.  I’m sure if you open up the conversation with the mother you co-parent with or other primary caregivers in your circle, you’ll no doubt hear additional suggestions for how you can make a positive impact on their workload and well-being.

In the meantime, I’m going to give #Mother’sDAYisnotenough a shot. It may not go viral on social or bring about the policy and institutional changes the world needs to make mothering more equitable and primary caregivers less stressed, but if it makes a difference in your home, I’m good.

How to Spring Forth Safely: 4 To-Dos for Parents

With Spring just about sprung -- and cabin fever at an unmatched pitch -- it could be majorly tempting for families to lighten up on COVID precautions.

After all, we finally have some hope. The world has several high-quality vaccines, the number of vaccinated people is rising and coronavirus antibodies appear to last for months. Another promising sign (at least for folks in the northern hemisphere) is that after a long, dark winter we now have warmer weather -- and more opportunity for socially distanced engagement out-of-doors.

BUT…

1.     We are still very much in the midst of a global pandemic. As is evidenced by the horrific numbers of cases across Europe, the two new coronavirus variants pose an even greater threat in terms of contagion and severity of illness. Researchers are still studying the effectiveness of the FDA-approved vaccines against them.  Most troubling, public health experts say “the virus is not done evolving.”

2.     Even though most grandparents are vaccinated, they aren’t 100% immune and can still be carriers. Not to mention, the millennial kids and grandkids they are traveling to visit remain largely unvaccinated. (On the plus side, the CDC says it’s safe for fully vaccinated individuals to travel.)

3.     Cabin fever and COVID fatigue are at their height 13 months on, making continued compliance more difficult than ever.

That’s why parents continue to play a vital role in keeping families and communities safe as we celebrate the marvels of Spring.

In other words, it’s déjà vu all over again. Whether it’s April or December, parental decision-making hasn’t changed. We have to gather as much information as possible, digest it, construct a family plan -- then engage our kids in understanding everyone’s role going forward. 

So, as we move into Spring and early Summer, what do I think should be on every parent’s to-do list?

✔  Understand and manage your kids’ capabilities and expectations when it comes to your family’s safety protocols.

Your kids’ developmental stage dictates their level of engagement in the process:

·       For school-agers and younger, they simply need to be informed what the family plan is -- and what your expectations of them are.

·       High-schoolers, for whom some autonomous decision-making is appropriate, still have undeveloped frontal lobes. That means parents gather and relay essential info, put guardrails in place and then empower teens to make decision within those limits.

·       College students may need to be reminded of the impact of their decision-making on the larger society; as burgeoning adults, it’s no longer just about them getting their spring-break needs met.

✔  Recognize that not all families are going to do it the same way -- even pod families that you’ve been in lockstep with about pandemic precautions.

Parents must continue to honor their own level of tolerance in terms of COVID-19 exposure -- and the safety precautions that engenders. This can be particularly tough in states and provinces where the official mandates have been severely curtailed or even 100% abandoned. In some areas, kids are being invited to return to school,either part-time or full-time, complete with sports and extra-curricular activities, making that another piece of the decision-making puzzle.

✔  Involve the entire family in creating ideas for safe warm-weather activities.

As most parents have experienced, our kids’ point-of-view about the world is valid -- and often poignant. The more we listen to and take their ideas seriously, the more everyone benefits. So give kids age-appropriate roles in coming up with strategies for how your family can continue to stay COVID-safe this Spring.  

✔  Err on the side of hope and make your kids’ summer plans.

Just do so with the sure knowledge that the virus will have the last word, so a last minute pivot might be required. Plus, my bet is that summer programming for kids will continue to make COVID-safe protocols a key component of their offerings.

As Dr. Peter Hotez, director of the Texas Children’s Hospital Center for Vaccine Development, notes, “If we want to plan the best summer for our families, we need to stay vigilant for the near term while more adults are being vaccinated.”

So let’s do just that.

The Unexpected Benefits of Blended Families

During the 2020 presidential campaign, the Biden/Harris ticket put more than their policies and plans before the American public: they put their very blended, very modern families front and center too.

And with all due props to the attention given the multiple-ceiling-shattering career achievements of Madam Vice President, I have been equally pleased to see the media focus on her multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi-faith family, because it makes explicit the reality that many families live every day.

Couples divorce. Spouses die. Sexual orientations shift. When new marriages and partnerships happen, children can find themselves living in homes with a new ‘parent’ or new ‘siblings’ they may not know very well - or perhaps don’t even like. That makes for a lot of shifting and readjusting for everyone, to be sure.

Do family members move easily from the old to the new? Seldom. That’s why parents and kids alike need support through the rupture, pain and trauma of family dissolution. The adjustment often includes challenges like dealing with different discipline styles at each parent’s home, the overnight change in “birth order” for kids in blended families, and how best to respond when step siblings don’t (or won’t) get along.

There is no minimizing the effort and energy moving through the transition requires. So if you’re in this situation now, I encourage you to get professional support.

Yet I promise you this: there is a huge upside on the other side of the pain. Eventually, the diversity and richness of blended families far outweigh the ruptures and heartache that precipitated their creation.

My own life is a case in point.

My parents divorced more than 40 years ago, when my siblings and I ranged in age from 9 to 12. Sad to say the divorce and subsequent co-parenting were contentious. While there was much heartache to resolve about my nuclear family’s split, the multiple blessings that resulted from both my parents’ remarriages was an outcome I never could have anticipated.

For starters, I gained a bonus parent who I have long considered “step” in legal name only, someone that has been there for me, supporting me at every turn and fulsomely embracing the role of grandparent.

I went from having just 2 siblings to being one of 7 -- all of whom have become a real support system to me, not to mention the 12 amazing nieces and nephews they have provided!

After my own marriage ended when our three kids were elementary school-aged, their father and I were able to create a mutually supportive co-parenting arrangement that put our children’s welfare first. While at first it felt as if my family shrunk from “the 5 of us” to “just the 4 of us” -- in time and with mindful attention, it eventually expanded to include my ex-husband’s new wife, her parents and sibling, my ex-in-laws, as well as my new partner, his daughter and family.

For sure we share fun times like family vacation adventures, milestone birthdays and graduations. During our quarantined holidays at the end of 2020, we created a “WTF” (With the Family”) event with bespoke T-shirts, wherein each family member was responsible for planning a day’s worth of games and activities. Equally important to the fun we have, our combined family means there are that many more adult heads in the game when one of “our” kids need help or want advice.

An in-the-public-eye exemplar of the power of blended families is the reaction of quarterback Tom Brady’s ex-partner after he and his team clinched the win to put them in Super Bowl LV.

In an Instagram post, Brady’s ex-partner Bridget Moynahan posted in support of Brady’s accomplishments. While her post was admiring and celebratory of Brady, what she really was doing was telling her son, “This is how I honor and treat your father.” In my book, that’s a win for that entire clan. Hundreds of Instagram and Twitter users agreed.

The pandemic has also “blended” families that weren’t expecting it. Adult children, having lost a job due to the coronavirus or needing to care for elderly relatives, move back into their childhood homes, grandchildren in tow. Such situations, while challenging in predictable ways, offer young parents and their kids the opportunity to re-experience the safety and security of loving, albeit imperfect, parents.

Not all stories I hear about are as heartwarming. Far too often, exes won’t play fair with their spouses -- no matter how much it damages the kids. Sadly, unless and until the offending parents are willing to focus on family strategies that would be more beneficial, it’s up to the healthier spouse to put their attention on the things that are in their locus of control and appreciate what is working.

The beauty of blended families is that they’re bigger than any one individual. Every member plays a part in its success by their willing to look at themselves and say, “Sure - this isn’t what I thought would happen to my family, but what things are in my control? How can I be empowered to contribute? What are the blessings available to me in this new situation?”

With a resilient mindset like that, I guarantee you’ll create a rich, diverse and loving place for everyone in the family to land.

What's Love Got to do With It? (Parenting, That Is)

Every year as Valentine’s Day nears, the consumerist clamor escalates. Advertisers try, yet again, to sell us on the notion that flowers, candy and jewelry is what love is all about. If you’ve been in a relationship that’s lasted beyond the falling-in-love stage, you know that’s not the case.

Thinking about Valentine’s Day brings to my mind another essential kind of love: the unconditional love parents have for our children.

The phrase, unconditional love is self-defining. It is, simply, love without conditions.

As important as it is for parents to love unconditionally, it’s probably more essential that our kids feel and have the lived experience of our unconditional love and regard for them. For healthy development, kids need to believe that no matter what they do, their parents love them just as they are -- foibles, irritating habits, differences of opinion, special needs and all.

That doesn’t mean we ought to accept everything our children do -- and it certainly doesn’t imply that we love their inappropriate behavior. Unconditional love isn’t constraint-free love. It’s loving without expecting anything in return. Even when out children behave badly. Even when they scream, “I hate you!” Even when they’re struggling with the limits you’ve set for them. One can hate the behavior but still love the kid.

Not surprisingly, children often experience the setting of boundaries, such as consequences for disrespectful behavior and accountability for their actions (or inaction when action was called for), as proof that we don’t love them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Calling out and setting limits on unacceptable behavior is part and parcel of being a parent. Actually, it’s a considerable part of the job.

How we do that job is key.

As parents, we need to constantly reassure our kids that we love them no matter what. I remember many challenging moments when my kids were teenagers. But even when I was sharing my displeasure at a behavior, or stating consequences for some infraction, I always made a point of articulating and affirming my love.

I’d spell it out quite clearly, actually. I’d say something like, “I know you’re angry at me and don’t like the rules, but the reason they exist is because they’re in keeping with our family values. As your parent, it’s my job to issue consequences when you ignore them. But know this: I love you regardless of how you feel about me right now. In fact, no one loves you more than your dad and I. No one is a bigger fan of yours than we are. No one.”

As parents, let’s constantly express our love for our kids, even in the face of their anger -- or ours. Remember, children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching how we regulate ours. So when your kid says, “I hate you” the worse thing a parent can do is to react in kind.

In fact, when kids say, “You don’t love me” or “I hate you” when we’ve set a limit or enforced a rule, they’re actually trying to make sure we do love them! So let them know that their behavior isn’t going to change the love you have for them, but that there are certain things -- that they well know -- that you're not going to tolerate.

Yes, as parents, we will lose our cool. It’s inevitable because effective parenting can be extremely taxing. When you do lose your temper, approach it as an opportunity not just to amend your behavior, but to rearticulate your love for your kids. Here’s an example: A mom, pressed for time, was making lunch for her 6-year-old, the very same lunch the girl had claimed as her “favorite” several days earlier. As the mom was finishing up, the girl started complaining about the menu. In response, her mother yelled, “Fine!” and threw everything in the garbage.

Immediately the daughter was apologetic, as was Mom, who swept in to repair the rift. But she made sure her daughter understood that she was not apologizing for “being” angry…but for how she expressed it. In their exchange, Mom reinforced the message that there’s nothing wrong with having feelings; we just need to learn healthy ways to express them.

During this year of elevated stress and forced togetherness, pandemic family life has probably gone off the rails once or twice (or a hundred times!) in many of our homes. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many parents casting themselves as “bad parents” because they’ve lost their temper or been angry with their kids. Actually, being angry with one’s kids without withdrawing your love is what helps kids internalize that they are, indeed, loved without conditions.

That’s the best gift we can give our kids. It’s also the answer to the question, “what’s love got to do with it?”

Here’s to a Happy Valentine’s Day -- every day of the year!

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

As I developed my coaching practice, the approach that worked best for most clients was interventive. Parents came to me with a specific concern, and I advised them on ways they might respond that were in keeping with their stated parenting values. The majority of the problems presented were issues I had dealt with many times over -- either in my own parenting or as an educational therapist and consultant. In that sense, I coached from a 10,000-foot view.

Then in March, “go-to-mom-and-parenting coach” met “global pandemic.” Parents, myself included, were in uncharted waters and the waves were sky high. The need for safe harbor grew, and I responded 

Yet as the weeks of the pandemic dragged on with no end in sight -- and equally seismic racial and political issues rocked the U.S. -- I received a lot of call, from clients, colleagues and friends.

I picked up the phone whenever it buzzed. Every parent I knew was shell-shocked, adjusting work and childcare roles to survive in a locked-down world, and scrambling for answers and support. Contrary to the advice I gave my clients, I began to slowly abandon self-care. Forget filling the gas tank; even the fumes ran out. Eventually it was unsustainable -- and I needed to address it.

As the first year of the pandemic drew to a close, I reflected on what I’ve learned (in most cases, re-learned!). I’m sharing the most salient takeaways in my first post of the new year. My guess is I’m not the only parent in need a refresher as we continue to face down the pandemic in 2021. 

No one is immune to parenting problems -- not even parenting coaches.

When the pandemic hit, I was thrust into a world exactly like the ones my clients faced. I, too, had to create a family plan to address the risks of the coronavirus, which was rumored to be both highly contagious and deadly. My personal situation was eerily similar to clients with college-aged kids who had to decide if it were safe to send them back to school come Fall. My middle daughter, a newly minted grad and I had to negotiate what the coronavirus rules would be when she moved home to take a job nearby. And like another subset of parents, it was up to me to figure out how to support elderly and/or out-of-state family members with ongoing health issues, when contact with and travel to them were deemed unsafe.

I was humbled. All parents, myself included, were struggling with not having answers to the tidal wave of questions we had. We were all forced to make decisions in the face of a tsunami of information that was changing by the day. Nothing was predictable, and no amount of research made it less so.

The situation was antithetical to how I had always made parenting decisions and practiced my work. Down I came from that 10,000-foot perch. I was 100% “in it” with every parent with whom I worked.

Being so humbled -- and feeling afresh the vulnerability of parenting -- was a gift. For me, the visceral identification with my clients’ states-of-mind was a type of grace that rallied my best self as I tuned in to them in my practice. For clients, seeing me wrestle with the same decisions they were facing, humanized me. They were comforted when I reiterated again and again that we were all doing the best we could in the moment. Off I came from any perceived pedestal I might have been on. And in the process we all served our children, who were witnessing first-hand just how much of life is impossible to know, predict or plan for.

Even if you’re isolating…don’t isolate!

I had a high rate of anxiety about catching COVID-19 (still do). From the start I planned to isolate, even if it flew in the face of how others were comporting themselves. It was the right decision for me, but it had consequences.

First, it meant I would no longer rely on outside help as I had pre-pandemic. Overnight, my at-home workload increased substantially.

Isolation also took away the myriad social and personal interactions I was accustomed to and enriched by in daily life. By relying on contact-less delivery, I effectively eliminated visits with the many people who lived and worked in my neighborhood. Business meetings, with their introductory chit-chat and welcoming hugs, were replaced by Zoom calls where people preferred to simply get down to business. I didn’t see my partner for months, because he was in contact with his 90-year-old father who was at high risk so we created separate pods.

Historically I’d been no ace at articulating or getting my needs met, but in the face of COVID-19, I contracted further. I reached out less. Didn’t make calls. An invitation from a friend to go for a walk -- even masked and socially distanced -- was inconceivable. I simply said No.

Eventually, my loneliness forced me to reckon with the difference between isolating from the virus and isolating from people. I gathered people I could rely on into a virtual cohort. I ratcheted up my communication with a group of high school best friends -- long on a group text chain-- because they felt like family and I found the increased contact comforting.

These days, when I get an invitation I’m not comfortable with, I know to say “I would like time with you…I just don’t know how to do it safely. Can we figure that out together?”

Self-care reduces stress -- and it’s time-expanding to boot!

I once gave a talk about dealing with stress to a professional women’s group. Back then I handled most everything with the confidence that I would successfully navigate life’s inevitable pitfalls -- or pivot when the need arose.

Then came COVID.

Because it descended like a shroud on top of the tensions of modern family life, pandemic stress felt aggressive, wanton and out of control. Every parent I knew had to completely overhaul family life in an atmosphere of utter fear.

As a coach, I effectively help clients deal with their stress, but I was trying to manage my own solo. Since I was busier, I cut back on exercise. Because of that, I was not sleeping well. Before long, the self-care items on my calendar began to feel more like onerous to-dos rather than the affirming, time-expanding practices I knew them to be.

The addition of two major life changes -- returning to school for another credential and selling the home where I raised my children -- complicated matters exponentially. Because they were time-sensitive, I had to take them both on. Even in normal times they would have added stress to my life. But dealing with them during COVID forced my hand.

My body and my emotions let me know things were out of sync and I resolved to act. I checked in with a therapist to get grounded. I started attending a bi-weekly Zoom meditation group with some women friends. I upped my physical activity. I started keeping a gratitude journal. I signed up for a Whole30 group to start the new year focused on healthy eating with a supportive cohort.

Life is a mystery.

I never imagined a global public health capacity of this nature could happen in my lifetime. Or even in my children’s lifetime. Yet its existence, while exceedingly frightful and difficult at times, has also underscored the immense role families play in society, as well as the resilience which we are all capable of - parents and children alike. The challenges we have all faced, and continue to face, will shape and define us. I for one, want to learn from this experience and emerge a better version of myself. I also want to afford myself the grace and compassion I so readily offer others as I navigate these uncharted waters.

10 Reasons 2020 Will be a Year to Remember

Let’s acknowledge the astounding realities of 2020 up front.

We spent months and months (and months!) washing hands, social distancing and wearing masks. We learned Zoom and other video platforms so we could collaborate at work and stay connected to friends and family. Our kids were yanked from every vestige of normalcy they’d known, from friends to school to camps, experiencing a steady stream of frustration and loss in the process. Most of us tried our best not to hoard toilet paper.  

And yet still, across the globe, COVID-19 is raging at levels not seen to date.

The final blow? This holiday season and the lack of ability to be with family and friends has been devastating for so many of us striving to keep our loved ones and ourselves safe.

A friend of mine sums of COVID fatigue like this: “Over the last nine months, every time I’ve been invited to do something, I’ve had to discern whether or not it’s ‘safe’ to do so. From now on, no matter how awesome the invitation, my answer is No. I simply cannot have that conversation with myself one more time!”

Her sentiments echo the rest of ours. We’re exhausted by the strain of it all. Bereft by the still-growing death toll. Beyond worried about the impact on our children. Too many have become economically destitute, without a social safety net to soften the blow of lost jobs and other economic impacts.

Despite all the adversity adjacent to the pandemic, there have been some familial upsides, and we have learned a lot (some more positive than others) about ourselves, our families and the larger world.

Here’s my top 10:

1.    It’s not just kids who are resilient -- parents are resilient! From the start, parents made a monumental effort to stay apprised of the tsunami of information concerning the coronavirus, and we pivoted family life to adapt to its demands for safety. Oh, and we refashioned our homes into schoolhouses and work sites to boot.

2.    Parents and partners got a close-up-and-personal, day-to-day look at the tremendous load of the emotional and household labor mothers bear -- often to the detriment of their careers. Some couples addressed those inequities.

3.    During the initial months of the lockdown, families had the unprecedented opportunity to spend an outsized amount of private, quality bonding time together.

4.    The murder of George Floyd in particular prefaced a cross-cultural, cross-racial uprising against systemic racism and its impact on socio-economic access and success. Black Lives Matters has escalated its mission unabatedly; it’s unclear how the majority (and governments) plan to contribute to righting these centuries-old wrongs.

5.    We learned how critical having a tribe is; how important they are to our family’s emotional well-being and physical safety.

6.    The enforced absence of elders, as well as friends and family most at risk for coronavirus, reawakened us to the immense value families and friends have in our lives. As soon as it’s safe, I plan to visit everyone!

7.    Families got extremely creative once the weather warmed up -- reimaging every conceivable summer tradition -- from family vacations to summer camps to everyday play dates and sleepovers.

8.    We got infinitely more tech-savvy -- whether we wanted to or not. Some of us even learned how to drive an RV (present company included!)

9.    Parents and parental figures helped children weather the unending string of disappointments that the pandemic has wrought -- and taught them resilience in the process.

10. Then, just this month, the announcement of three promising and efficacious vaccines give us reason for hope and optimism. Seeing videos of the first vaccines being administered this week was incredible. An end-date for the pandemic is in sight -- albeit at a minimum 6-12 months down the road.

As we bring 2020 to its much anticipated close, let’s each pledge to take all we’ve learned and use it to propel us forward into the new year. When you consider all that has transpired and how we’ve survived and, in some cases, thrived, I’m confident that families the world over will make it through.

Best wishes for the holidays - stay safe.

Why Pandemic Self-Care for Parents is Paramount

Take a minute to take a few deep breaths.

If that short pause is all the time you have for self-care today, I get it. But I’ll bet you wish you had time for more.

It’s been an extraordinarily rough seven-plus months of the pandemic, punctuated by the supremely stressful back-to-school season. One mom, whose kids who are at school “in person,” told me feels that she’s a better parent now that her kids are gone during the day.

That’s telling. The majority of parents have been burning the candle from both ends. Unfortunately, that block of wax is down to the quick and you’re running on fumes, hoping you can “power through” yet another week of remote work, remote schooling and all the rest that’s on your plate.

This way of life is simply unsustainable. Especially since experts are telling us there’s no way to reliably predict an end date for when life will go back to “normal.” That’s why parents need to bolster our immune systems and strengthen our resilience in whatever ways we can -- every day if possible -- so that everyone in our families can emerge from this unique period with our health and our sense of purpose intact.

The key is parental self-care -- and I’ve long been a proponent of it. Years ago when I started this blog, it was with a two-parter on the topic. But those pre-pandemic days were easier for parents by comparison.

Please know this: I am not trying to add to your to-do list. Self-care during the pandemic is not about learning a new language or taking up the ukulele. It’s about ameliorating the universal problem of parental burnout given the burden parents are facing.  Self-care will enable you to better manage all of the challenges you are facing. To that end, here are some suggestions for retooling your approach to self-care in several arenas.

Physical and Emotional Health.  Tending to our physical and emotional well-being has never been more important. See if you can incorporate just one idea -- or an idea of your own -- this coming week.

Physical health

·      Exercise as often as you can, outside when possible; if you’re super pressed for time, try breaking exercise into smaller, more doable chunks. When on non-video calls I am now standing rather than sitting.

·      Adhere to regular bedtimes / wakeups for everyone. At the very least, have everyone in their bedrooms and winding down at set times

·      Use these meal-prep time-savers to “make” time for exercising

o   Plan a week’s worth of healthy meals each weekend so you’re only thinking about meal prep, including making grocery lists and shopping, once a week versus every day

o   Make a double batch of a favorite recipe and do meal exchanges within your pod

o   Use part of your unused entertainment budget to get as-healthful-as-possible carryout -- especially on the busiest days

o   Give older kids responsibility for fixing meals either alone or with siblings at least one night/week; this both takes something off your plate and lets your kids learn a new skill

Emotional health

·      Journaling, meditation, and yoga are all great tools for emotional health; if these aren’t for you, find other centering activities you like

·      Leverage the availability and flexibility of online support groups

·      Acknowledge and share how you’re feeling with an empathic friend; if you’re anxious or sad, say so; don’t be afraid to ask for what you need

·      Arrange a tele-health appointment with a parenting coach or therapist if you feel the need; sometimes a check-in is all you need to feel OK about how you’re doing

Give your marriage / partnership the attention it needs.  Given how much forced togetherness you and your partner have had lately, this may seem antithetical. But here’s why focusing on our partnerships is critical:

·      Your kids are paying extremely close attention to how you’re treating one another and working together now that the stakes are raised 

·      As partners, we need more compassion from one another; use this opportunity for self-compassion and to express more compassion to your partner

·      Amp up your communication about the additional demands on your lives and make sure the home / work / home-schooling duties (and stress) are shared

·      Establish screen-free times for you and your partner when your relationship can take center stage

Fortify (or create) your pod. A pandemic is not the time to parent in isolation. If you feel extremely risk-averse about COVID-19 (and I can relate), create a pandemic pod with people who are taking the same COVID precautions you are.

·      Given the duration of the pandemic, it’s vital for kids and adults alike to socialize within a safe circle of like-minded folks

·      Consider using your trusted tribe to help manage distance learning: if you and your pod mates are dual-working parents, perhaps share the expense of hiring a teacher’s aid to help the kids in a blended classroom, or consider sharing among you the role of “teacher’s aid” so everyone can get a free morning or afternoon.

Pat yourself on the back!  We’re nearly eight months into a global pandemic with a deadly and novel virus that scientists are still learning about -- not to mention all the political and cultural upheaval -- and you and your family have survived!

·      Acknowledge and celebrate your resilience…and even the tiniest of victories

·      Be especially mindful of your self-talk and dial down any self-criticism; keep your internal chatter positive and compassionate

·      Don’t up the ante on expectations of yourself or your partner; everyone is doing their best to survive these trying times and may not always be playing their “A” game

Banish guilt and comparison parenting.  Sadly, the pandemic offers multiple opportunities for parents to feel we’re falling short. But know this: every parent is struggling. There’s not a parent out there who feels comfortable with the vast array of decisions they’ve been forced to make during the pandemic, often with inadequate information to support them.

·      The premise of my practice has always been to reassure clients that the right thing for their family is always what they think is the right decision; so figure out what’s right for you and do the best you can

·      Continue to make decisions based on your parenting values.

·      Let go of outcomes; if your decisions and actions were made in good faith, accept what comes, even (especially!) when things don’t turn out as you hoped

·      Remind yourself regularly that our kids will come out of the pandemic intact as long as they know they are safe and loved and that we have their backs

·      Refuse to parent-shame yourself or others

·      Reduce your consumption of social media sites that paint a rosy picture of pandemic parenting -- especially now at the start of a new, largely at-home school year.

Find things to be grateful for.  When your life feels turned completely upside down, finding things to be grateful for can seem futile. But the benefits of gratitude are plentiful and they’re backed by research. Given the impact of the pandemic, what have you got to lose by trying?