COVID ’21: A Whole New ‘Back to School’ Experience

“The more things change…the more they stay the same.”  This feels incredibly apt right now as families face yet another back-to-school season in the time of Covid.

 What’s really striking is that the collectively relieved parental vibe that clients, family and friends emitted even just a short six weeks ago has in recent days morphed into a lamentable chorus of here-we-go-agains.

Just when it had seemed children might have a quasi-normal, much-needed and highly recommended return to academic life (endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics), parents are once more fretting about sending kids into classrooms and feverishly scanning the headlines for sound medical guidance to allay their fears about the Delta coronavirus variant.

As one mother of a rising 4th grader shared: “While I’m not going to second-guess my city’s decision to return children to the classroom, I have much more anxiety about my unvaccinated child going to school this Fall than I did even a month ago. Naturally, I trust that school administrators have considered all the variables and will instate all the appropriate safety measures so that everyone — kids, teachers and staff — can stay safe. But the situation is far from ideal.”

Far, indeed. It’s hard to predict whether the CDC guidance for Covid prevention in K-12 schools, originally issued on July 9, will get a facelift given the alarming uptick in Covid infections. And it’s not farfetched to suppose that things could completely derail in September because with the pandemic, you just never know.

But one thing is certain: While there are still plenty of unknowns, there is still much parents can do to prepare their K-12 and college students for the coming academic year.  

Manage your negative feelings. There’s a lot at stake this back-to-school season, so parents are facing a mixture of anxious, fearful and even contradictory (e.g., I’m afraid for my kid, but can’t wait for school to start) feelings. No matter what they are, be sure you have a safe place to discharge your anxiety and vent your frustration, either with other parents, a parenting coach, a therapist and/or friends. Address and validate your own experience so that the face your kids see is one they can rely on to help them manage their fears and keep them safe.

Acknowledge the greater good.  Parents the world over are thrilled that the social isolation their have children faced the last 16 months is behind them. Moreover, in-person learning will address the inequities of distance learning exacerbated during the pandemic. These include mitigating the negative impact on academic achievement for students of color and non-English-speaking students; re-bridging the digital divide; and addressing the increase in mental health issues children and adolescents suffered during the pandemic.

Don’t sugarcoat it. Transitions are hard on everyone -- especially kids. So let yours know that it’s okay if they feel a little anxious about going back to school during Covid. If you emphasize how much fun they’ll have and how great it will be, you set your children up with the expectation that everything is going to be rosy. Which means you run the risk that they’ll lock up their fears inside for fear of disappointing you.  

Do make sure you emphasize your confidence that the school will do everything possible to keep them safe. And reassure them that they’ll be able to debrief about their experience every day at home.

Gather as much information from your school district as you can. Now is the time to be a proactive parent. While many school districts will have similar safety measures in place (masking; regular testing; improved ventilation; social distancing; regular hand washing, keeping sick kids home), there will be local variations.

Remember -- the more you know about what the school year will look like, the sooner you can prepare your kids for what’s to come.

·      For early-childhood learners, find out if there will be a pre-visit school day or a Zoom Open House to familiarize your child with their teacher and classroom. Also, try to get a class list and arrange a pre-school play date so that your child will see at least one familiar face on Day 1.

·      For grade-schoolers, be sure to confirm what the drop-off/pick-up protocols will be and share them; consider a practice drill since it’s been such a long time since school was last in session.

·      For teens, continue to be your kids’ frontal lobes. Ask “what if” questions, such as “What are you planning on doing after school? How do you plan to stay safe if you’re around kids that aren’t vaccinated? Role-play with them so they can practice how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Keep a watchful eye on any signs of anxiety.

·      With college students, especially incoming freshmen, ensure they have all the supplies they’ll need (masks, hand sanitizer, etc). Encourage them to research school safety and testing protocols and familiarize themselves with the location and capacities of on-campus medical and mental health resources. Most important, ensure your family has a plan for what to do if they get Covid.

Reorient your kids to the realities of school life. Remote learning has had a profound impact on kids of all ages and grades, and many children may have forgotten about the rigors and challenges of school life. It may surprise them that the transition won’t be as smooth as they expect it to be.

While many children thrived academically during Covid, it could partly be because they had a lot of educational and psychic support at home from parents (or paid teachers/tutors) during the pandemic that they won’t have come Fall.

Engage your kids in conversation about the reality of an all-day scholastic program, the demands of independent learning and self-monitoring, and dealing with social distractions. Stay vigilant, especially in those first couple months. Keep a close watch on their homework and other performance metrics so you can be fully prepared for that first parent-teacher conference.

Many students experienced a loss of academic progress during the pandemic. If this is true for your child, be sure to arrange a meeting with teachers before the school year to set up tutoring or other educational scaffolding your children may need.

Be mindful of the pressures on teachers, school administrators and staff. Families aren’t the only ones feeling frazzled. Returning to the classroom will also be extraordinarily stressful for teachers, administrators and staff who want to keep kids safe while staying healthy themselves. Remember, these professionals went into education because of their passion for helping students learn. On the whole, their efforts during the pandemic have been Herculean, albeit imperfect. Be sure to express your appreciation for everything they do.

Be prepared to pivot. Change is inevitable during normal times, and more so during a global pandemic. So plan vigorously -- but be ready to change when the need arises.

Give Dads Their Due this Father's Day

In my Mother’s Day post last month, I noted the dramatic escalation in the workload and roles that mothers have been experiencing during the pandemic. Even though moms have long logged off from their professional stints only to clock in for a second shift of child- and household care -- the uptick during COVID is something from which few mothers (if any) have fully recovered.

This isn’t to say that the pandemic has been a cakewalk for dads, who experienced a different sort of sea change. Perhaps more accustomed to setting aside familial responsibilities (including the weighty mental load) once they crossed the threshold of their offices, factories or organizations, fathers who migrated home to work remotely were suddenly thrust into the chaos of upended family lives as schools and day cares closed and the country went on lockdown.

For starters, many dads got woke to the massive amounts of energy their wives and/or partners expend in myriad ways caring for the family. Fathers who lost their jobs and found themselves in an at-home parent role reversal learned this in a most immediate way.

From what I’ve heard anecdotally from friends and clients, however, most dads responded vigorously and helpfully to the vast amount of family responsibilities that required renegotiation during the pandemic:

·       who oversees schooling and after-school activities

·       how do daily chores get accomplished

·       how to deal with work meetings that could not be interrupted

·       which responsibilities and chores could (or should) be handed over to kids

·       tending to everyone’s anxiety and uncertainly around the virus

·       helping every family member cope with the abrupt isolation from loved ones, friends and beloved communities

Once the pandemic became a workaday reality, many dads discovered the benefits of parenting 24/7 far outweighed the rigors as this Harvard study found. Among my client base, for example, most dads appreciated the increase in family-centric experiences and traditions (weekly talent shows, dance parties and back-yard camping trips, for example) that made family members feel more connected. And huge numbers of fathers savored the increased opportunities to engage with their kids -- and vice versa.

One working-at-home dad spoke of his 3rd grader who, having learned more about his day job running a college writing center, figured out he could come in mighty handy, especially as her homework had begun to include more writing assignments! Plus, his aptitude for technology perfectly dovetailed with her increased engagement with it because of remote schooling. As her tech abilities grew, he said, so did her interest. Their shared enthusiasm led to increased Dad-daughter time spent making art videos and playing with other tech tools, ultimately strengthening their bond.

I’ve also heard from fathers whose active involvement in their kids’ day-to-day school deepened. Ensuring kids logged onto Zoom on time supporting them academically became de rigueur for many dads, of course. But the real delight was eavesdropping on their kids’ interactions with teachers and students and witnessing them engage with new ideas in real time.

Pandemic family life mimicked pre-Covid life in one significant way: improvements in family cohesiveness were often the result of missteps or frustration that allowed moms and dads alike to (re)learn the value of do-overs. Lost your temper (again)? Apologize to your kids and talk about how you’ll handle it differently the next time. Then there were the multitude of pandemic-induced upsets like the abrupt cancellation of friend visits, school sports and summer camps. These gave parents tons of opportunities to collaborate on new ways to engage kids -- as well as to discover how their parenting choices in response to disappointment can actually build resiliency.

Naturally, dads felt the downside of 24/7/365 family life; who among us didn’t?! One often reported complaint was the virtual obliteration of private time, denying dads the chance to hang with friends, play team sports or engage in personal hobbies or pastimes. But many consider that a small price to pay.

How might the experiences fathers had during COVID translate to their professional lives once the pandemic is firmly behind us? From what I’m hearing my clients and colleagues say, I suspect that dads will push for an explicit reworking of the corporate “benefit” of work-life balance, one that truly accommodates flexibility for remote work and reduced travel so dads can continue to be more present in their children’s lives.

Sadly but not surprisingly, both male and female parents reported mental and physical health declines during COVID. But one study really caught my attention. It reported that 82% of fathers said “they could have used more emotional support” during the pandemic.

So here’s my plug for Father’s Day 2021. Every parent wants to be appreciated and told they’re doing a good job. Dads are no exception. They want to hear specifically -- from their partners and the kids -- what they’re doing well and right. So let’s make Father’s Day 2021 the day we do just that!

#Mother's DAY is Not Enough

“....And Moms are still not OK.”

That’s the line that got me. It appeared in an article about moms and the pandemic that hit my in-box late March.

Fourteen months in, and I’m still hearing from clients and friends that moms bear the brunt of the increased work- and stress-loads brought about by the pandemic. And that’s not even accounting for the lost wages and forfeited gains in the labor force that mothers, especially those of color, have endured due to both the lack of childcare and the persistence of remote K-12 learning. Not to mention centuries of the unpaid, undervalued and unacknowledged labor of women.

For Mother’s ‘Day’ 2021, I say we aim much, much higher when it comes to supporting mothers…because one day out of 365 is not enough respite for anyone.

In fact, let’s tag it: #MothersDAYisnotenough.

I know this defies Rule #1 of successful hashtag creation (“don’tputamillionwordsinonehashtag”), but if ever there was a time for rule-breaking, it’s now…when women are collapsing from the strain of all that’s been put on and taken from them during this past year. 

Moms -- working, single and stay-at-home alike -- have shouldered the primary responsibility for the roles of teacher/tutor, chef, housekeeper, babysitter, therapist and coach imposed by the pandemic. Of course, that’s in addition to any paying work they may have.

This isn’t just anecdotal. Study after study after study provide evidence of the pandemic’s disproportionate impact on mothers’ workload and well-being.

I’m not saying there aren’t some dads and partners out there who hold up 50% of the parenting, caregiving and household burden; nor am I denying that some fathers have stepped up to take on more of the responsibilities of family life during COVID. And there are increasing numbers of fathers who are the primary parent, caregiver and home-keeper. But a study from the Pew Research Center last year noted that despite those efforts, “many of the dynamics between couples haven’t changed much during this turbulent time.”

So now what?

If you’re a mother or the primary parent…

·       I’m like a broken record on this topic, but moms must prioritize self-care -- full stop

o   For starters, on your next walk (sans kids), listen to one of the free webinars on Gemmawomen.com on topics including “Mom Guilt: When Does it End” and “Setting Boundaries with Families”

·       Practice saying “No” (it’s actually a full sentence); you simply cannot do everything -- and everything simply does not need to be done

·       If parenting and other family responsibilities aren’t being fairly distributed between you and your partner, talk honestly with them about what you need

·       Involve your partner and your children in the problem-solving and in the doing, even little kids can (and want to) contribute in the home

·       Share your experience with other moms and enjoy the mutual benefits of support and empathy, as well as the reminder that you’re not alone

·       Refuse to participate in or accept mom-shaming -- on the job, on social media or in conversation; there is no shame in not being able to meet wildly unrealistic expectations -- either your own or society’s

If you’re a dad or the non-primary parent…

·       Transform your approach to Mother’s Day by frankly talking with your co-parent about the caregiving or housekeeping areas where she is feeling particularly stressed…and devise ways you can lighten her load in those arenas going forward

·       Ask the mom in your life how she would like to spend Mother’s Day

·       Acknowledge your partner’s Herculean efforts on behalf of the family during the pandemic…apologize if you’ve not done your share…and demonstrate what you plan to do differently

·       This one is crucial: Initiate a discussion with your wife, partner or co-parent about the “mental load” they carry regarding both parenting and household upkeep. This includes the often-invisible load of anxiety, anticipating, planning and follow-up that moms typically shoulder. For example, some dads may be surprised to know that moms start researching summer camps right after they’ve cleaned up the New Year’s noisemakers. Make a plan to relieve your co-parent of some of this “worry work”

If you’re a friend or family member of a single parent…

·       Check in with single moms regularly to offer emotional support -- and let them know they can call on you in an emergency or just to chat

·       Offer to take the kids for an afternoon to give her a much needed break

·       Call before you go to the grocery store to see what you can pick up for her; or consider giving a gift card for grocery delivery

·       Gently encourage her to not neglect self-care, even if she only has a few minutes a day for it

These are just a few suggestions.  I’m sure if you open up the conversation with the mother you co-parent with or other primary caregivers in your circle, you’ll no doubt hear additional suggestions for how you can make a positive impact on their workload and well-being.

In the meantime, I’m going to give #Mother’sDAYisnotenough a shot. It may not go viral on social or bring about the policy and institutional changes the world needs to make mothering more equitable and primary caregivers less stressed, but if it makes a difference in your home, I’m good.

How to Spring Forth Safely: 4 To-Dos for Parents

With Spring just about sprung -- and cabin fever at an unmatched pitch -- it could be majorly tempting for families to lighten up on COVID precautions.

After all, we finally have some hope. The world has several high-quality vaccines, the number of vaccinated people is rising and coronavirus antibodies appear to last for months. Another promising sign (at least for folks in the northern hemisphere) is that after a long, dark winter we now have warmer weather -- and more opportunity for socially distanced engagement out-of-doors.

BUT…

1.     We are still very much in the midst of a global pandemic. As is evidenced by the horrific numbers of cases across Europe, the two new coronavirus variants pose an even greater threat in terms of contagion and severity of illness. Researchers are still studying the effectiveness of the FDA-approved vaccines against them.  Most troubling, public health experts say “the virus is not done evolving.”

2.     Even though most grandparents are vaccinated, they aren’t 100% immune and can still be carriers. Not to mention, the millennial kids and grandkids they are traveling to visit remain largely unvaccinated. (On the plus side, the CDC says it’s safe for fully vaccinated individuals to travel.)

3.     Cabin fever and COVID fatigue are at their height 13 months on, making continued compliance more difficult than ever.

That’s why parents continue to play a vital role in keeping families and communities safe as we celebrate the marvels of Spring.

In other words, it’s déjà vu all over again. Whether it’s April or December, parental decision-making hasn’t changed. We have to gather as much information as possible, digest it, construct a family plan -- then engage our kids in understanding everyone’s role going forward. 

So, as we move into Spring and early Summer, what do I think should be on every parent’s to-do list?

✔  Understand and manage your kids’ capabilities and expectations when it comes to your family’s safety protocols.

Your kids’ developmental stage dictates their level of engagement in the process:

·       For school-agers and younger, they simply need to be informed what the family plan is -- and what your expectations of them are.

·       High-schoolers, for whom some autonomous decision-making is appropriate, still have undeveloped frontal lobes. That means parents gather and relay essential info, put guardrails in place and then empower teens to make decision within those limits.

·       College students may need to be reminded of the impact of their decision-making on the larger society; as burgeoning adults, it’s no longer just about them getting their spring-break needs met.

✔  Recognize that not all families are going to do it the same way -- even pod families that you’ve been in lockstep with about pandemic precautions.

Parents must continue to honor their own level of tolerance in terms of COVID-19 exposure -- and the safety precautions that engenders. This can be particularly tough in states and provinces where the official mandates have been severely curtailed or even 100% abandoned. In some areas, kids are being invited to return to school,either part-time or full-time, complete with sports and extra-curricular activities, making that another piece of the decision-making puzzle.

✔  Involve the entire family in creating ideas for safe warm-weather activities.

As most parents have experienced, our kids’ point-of-view about the world is valid -- and often poignant. The more we listen to and take their ideas seriously, the more everyone benefits. So give kids age-appropriate roles in coming up with strategies for how your family can continue to stay COVID-safe this Spring.  

✔  Err on the side of hope and make your kids’ summer plans.

Just do so with the sure knowledge that the virus will have the last word, so a last minute pivot might be required. Plus, my bet is that summer programming for kids will continue to make COVID-safe protocols a key component of their offerings.

As Dr. Peter Hotez, director of the Texas Children’s Hospital Center for Vaccine Development, notes, “If we want to plan the best summer for our families, we need to stay vigilant for the near term while more adults are being vaccinated.”

So let’s do just that.

The Unexpected Benefits of Blended Families

During the 2020 presidential campaign, the Biden/Harris ticket put more than their policies and plans before the American public: they put their very blended, very modern families front and center too.

And with all due props to the attention given the multiple-ceiling-shattering career achievements of Madam Vice President, I have been equally pleased to see the media focus on her multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi-faith family, because it makes explicit the reality that many families live every day.

Couples divorce. Spouses die. Sexual orientations shift. When new marriages and partnerships happen, children can find themselves living in homes with a new ‘parent’ or new ‘siblings’ they may not know very well - or perhaps don’t even like. That makes for a lot of shifting and readjusting for everyone, to be sure.

Do family members move easily from the old to the new? Seldom. That’s why parents and kids alike need support through the rupture, pain and trauma of family dissolution. The adjustment often includes challenges like dealing with different discipline styles at each parent’s home, the overnight change in “birth order” for kids in blended families, and how best to respond when step siblings don’t (or won’t) get along.

There is no minimizing the effort and energy moving through the transition requires. So if you’re in this situation now, I encourage you to get professional support.

Yet I promise you this: there is a huge upside on the other side of the pain. Eventually, the diversity and richness of blended families far outweigh the ruptures and heartache that precipitated their creation.

My own life is a case in point.

My parents divorced more than 40 years ago, when my siblings and I ranged in age from 9 to 12. Sad to say the divorce and subsequent co-parenting were contentious. While there was much heartache to resolve about my nuclear family’s split, the multiple blessings that resulted from both my parents’ remarriages was an outcome I never could have anticipated.

For starters, I gained a bonus parent who I have long considered “step” in legal name only, someone that has been there for me, supporting me at every turn and fulsomely embracing the role of grandparent.

I went from having just 2 siblings to being one of 7 -- all of whom have become a real support system to me, not to mention the 12 amazing nieces and nephews they have provided!

After my own marriage ended when our three kids were elementary school-aged, their father and I were able to create a mutually supportive co-parenting arrangement that put our children’s welfare first. While at first it felt as if my family shrunk from “the 5 of us” to “just the 4 of us” -- in time and with mindful attention, it eventually expanded to include my ex-husband’s new wife, her parents and sibling, my ex-in-laws, as well as my new partner, his daughter and family.

For sure we share fun times like family vacation adventures, milestone birthdays and graduations. During our quarantined holidays at the end of 2020, we created a “WTF” (With the Family”) event with bespoke T-shirts, wherein each family member was responsible for planning a day’s worth of games and activities. Equally important to the fun we have, our combined family means there are that many more adult heads in the game when one of “our” kids need help or want advice.

An in-the-public-eye exemplar of the power of blended families is the reaction of quarterback Tom Brady’s ex-partner after he and his team clinched the win to put them in Super Bowl LV.

In an Instagram post, Brady’s ex-partner Bridget Moynahan posted in support of Brady’s accomplishments. While her post was admiring and celebratory of Brady, what she really was doing was telling her son, “This is how I honor and treat your father.” In my book, that’s a win for that entire clan. Hundreds of Instagram and Twitter users agreed.

The pandemic has also “blended” families that weren’t expecting it. Adult children, having lost a job due to the coronavirus or needing to care for elderly relatives, move back into their childhood homes, grandchildren in tow. Such situations, while challenging in predictable ways, offer young parents and their kids the opportunity to re-experience the safety and security of loving, albeit imperfect, parents.

Not all stories I hear about are as heartwarming. Far too often, exes won’t play fair with their spouses -- no matter how much it damages the kids. Sadly, unless and until the offending parents are willing to focus on family strategies that would be more beneficial, it’s up to the healthier spouse to put their attention on the things that are in their locus of control and appreciate what is working.

The beauty of blended families is that they’re bigger than any one individual. Every member plays a part in its success by their willing to look at themselves and say, “Sure - this isn’t what I thought would happen to my family, but what things are in my control? How can I be empowered to contribute? What are the blessings available to me in this new situation?”

With a resilient mindset like that, I guarantee you’ll create a rich, diverse and loving place for everyone in the family to land.

What's Love Got to do With It? (Parenting, That Is)

Every year as Valentine’s Day nears, the consumerist clamor escalates. Advertisers try, yet again, to sell us on the notion that flowers, candy and jewelry is what love is all about. If you’ve been in a relationship that’s lasted beyond the falling-in-love stage, you know that’s not the case.

Thinking about Valentine’s Day brings to my mind another essential kind of love: the unconditional love parents have for our children.

The phrase, unconditional love is self-defining. It is, simply, love without conditions.

As important as it is for parents to love unconditionally, it’s probably more essential that our kids feel and have the lived experience of our unconditional love and regard for them. For healthy development, kids need to believe that no matter what they do, their parents love them just as they are -- foibles, irritating habits, differences of opinion, special needs and all.

That doesn’t mean we ought to accept everything our children do -- and it certainly doesn’t imply that we love their inappropriate behavior. Unconditional love isn’t constraint-free love. It’s loving without expecting anything in return. Even when out children behave badly. Even when they scream, “I hate you!” Even when they’re struggling with the limits you’ve set for them. One can hate the behavior but still love the kid.

Not surprisingly, children often experience the setting of boundaries, such as consequences for disrespectful behavior and accountability for their actions (or inaction when action was called for), as proof that we don’t love them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Calling out and setting limits on unacceptable behavior is part and parcel of being a parent. Actually, it’s a considerable part of the job.

How we do that job is key.

As parents, we need to constantly reassure our kids that we love them no matter what. I remember many challenging moments when my kids were teenagers. But even when I was sharing my displeasure at a behavior, or stating consequences for some infraction, I always made a point of articulating and affirming my love.

I’d spell it out quite clearly, actually. I’d say something like, “I know you’re angry at me and don’t like the rules, but the reason they exist is because they’re in keeping with our family values. As your parent, it’s my job to issue consequences when you ignore them. But know this: I love you regardless of how you feel about me right now. In fact, no one loves you more than your dad and I. No one is a bigger fan of yours than we are. No one.”

As parents, let’s constantly express our love for our kids, even in the face of their anger -- or ours. Remember, children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching how we regulate ours. So when your kid says, “I hate you” the worse thing a parent can do is to react in kind.

In fact, when kids say, “You don’t love me” or “I hate you” when we’ve set a limit or enforced a rule, they’re actually trying to make sure we do love them! So let them know that their behavior isn’t going to change the love you have for them, but that there are certain things -- that they well know -- that you're not going to tolerate.

Yes, as parents, we will lose our cool. It’s inevitable because effective parenting can be extremely taxing. When you do lose your temper, approach it as an opportunity not just to amend your behavior, but to rearticulate your love for your kids. Here’s an example: A mom, pressed for time, was making lunch for her 6-year-old, the very same lunch the girl had claimed as her “favorite” several days earlier. As the mom was finishing up, the girl started complaining about the menu. In response, her mother yelled, “Fine!” and threw everything in the garbage.

Immediately the daughter was apologetic, as was Mom, who swept in to repair the rift. But she made sure her daughter understood that she was not apologizing for “being” angry…but for how she expressed it. In their exchange, Mom reinforced the message that there’s nothing wrong with having feelings; we just need to learn healthy ways to express them.

During this year of elevated stress and forced togetherness, pandemic family life has probably gone off the rails once or twice (or a hundred times!) in many of our homes. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many parents casting themselves as “bad parents” because they’ve lost their temper or been angry with their kids. Actually, being angry with one’s kids without withdrawing your love is what helps kids internalize that they are, indeed, loved without conditions.

That’s the best gift we can give our kids. It’s also the answer to the question, “what’s love got to do with it?”

Here’s to a Happy Valentine’s Day -- every day of the year!

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19

As I developed my coaching practice, the approach that worked best for most clients was interventive. Parents came to me with a specific concern, and I advised them on ways they might respond that were in keeping with their stated parenting values. The majority of the problems presented were issues I had dealt with many times over -- either in my own parenting or as an educational therapist and consultant. In that sense, I coached from a 10,000-foot view.

Then in March, “go-to-mom-and-parenting coach” met “global pandemic.” Parents, myself included, were in uncharted waters and the waves were sky high. The need for safe harbor grew, and I responded 

Yet as the weeks of the pandemic dragged on with no end in sight -- and equally seismic racial and political issues rocked the U.S. -- I received a lot of call, from clients, colleagues and friends.

I picked up the phone whenever it buzzed. Every parent I knew was shell-shocked, adjusting work and childcare roles to survive in a locked-down world, and scrambling for answers and support. Contrary to the advice I gave my clients, I began to slowly abandon self-care. Forget filling the gas tank; even the fumes ran out. Eventually it was unsustainable -- and I needed to address it.

As the first year of the pandemic drew to a close, I reflected on what I’ve learned (in most cases, re-learned!). I’m sharing the most salient takeaways in my first post of the new year. My guess is I’m not the only parent in need a refresher as we continue to face down the pandemic in 2021. 

No one is immune to parenting problems -- not even parenting coaches.

When the pandemic hit, I was thrust into a world exactly like the ones my clients faced. I, too, had to create a family plan to address the risks of the coronavirus, which was rumored to be both highly contagious and deadly. My personal situation was eerily similar to clients with college-aged kids who had to decide if it were safe to send them back to school come Fall. My middle daughter, a newly minted grad and I had to negotiate what the coronavirus rules would be when she moved home to take a job nearby. And like another subset of parents, it was up to me to figure out how to support elderly and/or out-of-state family members with ongoing health issues, when contact with and travel to them were deemed unsafe.

I was humbled. All parents, myself included, were struggling with not having answers to the tidal wave of questions we had. We were all forced to make decisions in the face of a tsunami of information that was changing by the day. Nothing was predictable, and no amount of research made it less so.

The situation was antithetical to how I had always made parenting decisions and practiced my work. Down I came from that 10,000-foot perch. I was 100% “in it” with every parent with whom I worked.

Being so humbled -- and feeling afresh the vulnerability of parenting -- was a gift. For me, the visceral identification with my clients’ states-of-mind was a type of grace that rallied my best self as I tuned in to them in my practice. For clients, seeing me wrestle with the same decisions they were facing, humanized me. They were comforted when I reiterated again and again that we were all doing the best we could in the moment. Off I came from any perceived pedestal I might have been on. And in the process we all served our children, who were witnessing first-hand just how much of life is impossible to know, predict or plan for.

Even if you’re isolating…don’t isolate!

I had a high rate of anxiety about catching COVID-19 (still do). From the start I planned to isolate, even if it flew in the face of how others were comporting themselves. It was the right decision for me, but it had consequences.

First, it meant I would no longer rely on outside help as I had pre-pandemic. Overnight, my at-home workload increased substantially.

Isolation also took away the myriad social and personal interactions I was accustomed to and enriched by in daily life. By relying on contact-less delivery, I effectively eliminated visits with the many people who lived and worked in my neighborhood. Business meetings, with their introductory chit-chat and welcoming hugs, were replaced by Zoom calls where people preferred to simply get down to business. I didn’t see my partner for months, because he was in contact with his 90-year-old father who was at high risk so we created separate pods.

Historically I’d been no ace at articulating or getting my needs met, but in the face of COVID-19, I contracted further. I reached out less. Didn’t make calls. An invitation from a friend to go for a walk -- even masked and socially distanced -- was inconceivable. I simply said No.

Eventually, my loneliness forced me to reckon with the difference between isolating from the virus and isolating from people. I gathered people I could rely on into a virtual cohort. I ratcheted up my communication with a group of high school best friends -- long on a group text chain-- because they felt like family and I found the increased contact comforting.

These days, when I get an invitation I’m not comfortable with, I know to say “I would like time with you…I just don’t know how to do it safely. Can we figure that out together?”

Self-care reduces stress -- and it’s time-expanding to boot!

I once gave a talk about dealing with stress to a professional women’s group. Back then I handled most everything with the confidence that I would successfully navigate life’s inevitable pitfalls -- or pivot when the need arose.

Then came COVID.

Because it descended like a shroud on top of the tensions of modern family life, pandemic stress felt aggressive, wanton and out of control. Every parent I knew had to completely overhaul family life in an atmosphere of utter fear.

As a coach, I effectively help clients deal with their stress, but I was trying to manage my own solo. Since I was busier, I cut back on exercise. Because of that, I was not sleeping well. Before long, the self-care items on my calendar began to feel more like onerous to-dos rather than the affirming, time-expanding practices I knew them to be.

The addition of two major life changes -- returning to school for another credential and selling the home where I raised my children -- complicated matters exponentially. Because they were time-sensitive, I had to take them both on. Even in normal times they would have added stress to my life. But dealing with them during COVID forced my hand.

My body and my emotions let me know things were out of sync and I resolved to act. I checked in with a therapist to get grounded. I started attending a bi-weekly Zoom meditation group with some women friends. I upped my physical activity. I started keeping a gratitude journal. I signed up for a Whole30 group to start the new year focused on healthy eating with a supportive cohort.

Life is a mystery.

I never imagined a global public health capacity of this nature could happen in my lifetime. Or even in my children’s lifetime. Yet its existence, while exceedingly frightful and difficult at times, has also underscored the immense role families play in society, as well as the resilience which we are all capable of - parents and children alike. The challenges we have all faced, and continue to face, will shape and define us. I for one, want to learn from this experience and emerge a better version of myself. I also want to afford myself the grace and compassion I so readily offer others as I navigate these uncharted waters.